Octopus98 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Hi, does anyone else also likes to imagine cuddling with another person? I have been doing that for some time and I usually do it to calm down myself when I am too anxious to fall asleep (I have been dealing with really bad anxiety for some time now). I usually imagine cuddling/lying in the same bed with a male (I am heteroromantic, so maybe that's why). I know that there is nothing wrong about it, that it probably reflects my need for safety and intimacy, but it feels a bit strange. Firstly, I hear about people having sexual fantasies and I don't get it. I do not understand why people have sexual intercourse (which seems gross to me), while they can just cuddle. Secondly, I am Christian and technically I am not allowed to have any kind of sexual fantasies (yes, I know that many people disagree with this view). And well, my cuddling fantasies do not involve sex at all, but this entire experience places me in a weird position. Basically, the mainstream Christian teaching does not consider a possibility of a man and woman being close, but not having sex. So you either have sexual thoughts, or you don't imagine being close with someone else at all. As a result, it feels very weird to have these cuddling fantasies, and then hear about why I should prevent myself from having sexual thoughts. I just don't know why so many people assume that everyone has a sex drive, and that having a close physical contact will inevitably result in sex. Thanks for reading my ranting. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Yep, definitely relate to this! 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 minute ago, Iam9man said: Yep, definitely relate to this! 😊 I should add: I’ve personally made peace with such thoughts and my faith. I have struggled more with aesthetic attraction, as I feel this quite intensely, and I can’t quite decide where the line for looking at someone “lustfully” is. In my personal opinion cuddling as an asexual, or desiring to do so is not lustful, at least in my experience. 28 minutes ago, Octopus98 said: I just don't know why so many people assume that everyone has a sex drive, and that having a close physical contact will inevitably result in sex This! 🙄 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbogen Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Well I'm sorry your religious teachings have such a limited view of what things are okay to imagine and of what people are even able to imagine, but obviously your cuddling fantasies are proof that it's possible to think about just cuddling without ever crossing into sexual fantasies, so if it's sexual thoughts specifically that your religion is against then by that logic you're not doing anything wrong. Sex and cuddling are very different things and as @CBC said the reason people assume it will often lead to sex is because almost everyone does feel sexual desire. So to people not familiar with or accepting of asexuality it's a fair assumption to make that "everyone feels that way". To them, cuddling probably looks like "an unnecessary temptation" when one is trying to avoid any thoughts of sexual intimacy whatsoever. But that's obviously not the case for you so again you're not breaking their rules or anything. I also have cuddling thoughts when I feel overwhelmed and want to comfort myself. But instead of cuddling with an imaginary person I imagine another version of me cuddling me. (I mostly just do it that way because to me it feels weird to think about cuddling with a fake/fictional person or with someone I don't know/don't feel close to, and right now I have no one I know and am close to enough to want a hug from, so I just cuddle and comfort myself). Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 I'm sexual and I have cuddling fantasies that are completely sex-free and nudity-free. I have sexual fantasies too but sometimes I really just crave some non-sexual physical contact. When I fantasize about cuddling it sometimes leads to sex but definitely not always, usually it's just about cuddling (there might be kissing though) and I don't even think about sex when I have those fantasies. There's nothing sexual about it. Sometimes I just want to do nothing but cuddle with someone. No sex. I just really want to cuddle with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Was brought up in the same "Sex is bad" Christian/Catholic mentality, as well as the idea that anyone sharing a bed was always with the ultimate goal of having sex, with the added warning that as a guy, you were a danger to all women so the girls were to remain away from you at all times. Not that these "warnings" are needed for me as the only thing anyone would have to fear from sharing a bed with me would be that I would stab them. I have a very high need of personal space and despise being touched so the only thing you would get out of a cuddle, would be a stab. Link to post Share on other sites
Octopus98 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 2:28 PM, Iam9man said: I should add: I’ve personally made peace with such thoughts and my faith. I have struggled more with aesthetic attraction, as I feel this quite intensely, and I can’t quite decide where the line for looking at someone “lustfully” is. In my personal opinion cuddling as an asexual, or desiring to do so is not lustful, at least in my experience. This! 🙄 thanks for writing this! It is so relieving to hear that I am not the only one who experiences this kind of problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Octopus98 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 Thanks for your comments, and yes, I agree with you that some of the Christian teachings about never ever living together before getting married/never ever sleeping in the same bed results from a total lack of understanding what asexuality is. But it is so frustrating to hear this kind of message as an ace. I dream that one day my church leaders will understand that not all people feel sexual attraction to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Andrea KF Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/18/2020 at 11:26 AM, Jade Cross said: Was brought up in the same "Sex is bad" Christian/Catholic mentality, as well as the idea that anyone sharing a bed was always with the ultimate goal of having sex, with the added warning that as a guy, you were a danger to all women so the girls were to remain away from you at all times. Not that these "warnings" are needed for me as the only thing anyone would have to fear from sharing a bed with me would be that I would stab them. I have a very high need of personal space and despise being touched so the only thing you would get out of a cuddle, would be a stab. Whenever I'm forced to share a bed with someone, it ends up with me stealing all the blankets and maybe pushing the other person out. It's a good thing I don't own a knife. Regarding the topic: I guess I could copy and paste what @Salmiakki wrote. Link to post Share on other sites
_alicia_uwu_ Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 lol I relate to this so so so so so so so so much. Link to post Share on other sites
nutterwithasolderingiron Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 i am so into cuddling. like 100000% but sadly, i also have to be super comfortable with the person before i do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Low End Things Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 I looooooooove cuddling! It's the best! And I can have intense fantasies about it. The thought of holding someone I care for makes me go mush. I think it's important to remember that people can have desires for things you don't have, and that's ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 This post may come back at some point Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 I tried it, but it doesn't do anything for me. Link to post Share on other sites
zzkitty42 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 4:59 AM, Octopus98 said: Hi, does anyone else also likes to imagine cuddling with another person? I have been doing that for some time and I usually do it to calm down myself when I am too anxious to fall asleep (I have been dealing with really bad anxiety for some time now). I do this too! I sometimes get anxious, but I know I don't have it too bad. Even so, if I'm stressed, or just in a certain mood, I'll imagine someone cuddling me while going to sleep. It does help me feel calm and safe. Sometimes I'll imagine it's my boyfriend (or before I was dating, my crush) but I also kind of feel weird about picturing a real person, so I kind of just picture ~someone~ cuddling me. On a related, but a more general note, I do sometimes feel a strong desire to cuddle with someone. I'm def asexual and have never experienced that for any sort of sexual situation, but it just feels like I really, really want to hug/cuddle someone in that moment. Cuddling is just really nice! Link to post Share on other sites
Spicy_Mochi Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 I relate to this soso much. My family is Christian too & my parents were very *ahem* protective. Like when I was 11, I pulled my (male) friend into a dark room with me to make our siblings think we got lost. My dad heard me giggling and he was not happy. Back then, I was very naive and I didn’t see any issue with being with a guy. But I got scolded and put on restriction. anyway, I’m a naturally cuddly person. I love hugs and skinship. I’ll hug my friends regardless of gender or how close they are to me. Especially with quarantine, I’ve been feeling really lonely & started daydreaming about snuggles. Its definitely not wrong! It’s a form of affection that doesn’t only exist between lovers. I don’t think that spooning ( is that what it called?) is sexual either. Cuddling is soothing and wholesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Octopus98 Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 Thanks for all your responses, this forum id the only way for me to connect with other people on asexual spectrum. Hearing about other people's experiences often brings me such a great relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 The church has created so much ridiculous dogma. Anyone who tries to do everything by others' interpretation of the book will go nuts! In the end, the only thing that works is doing what feels comfortable for oneself, although feeling comfortable with it could take quite some time. Feelings relating to the Christian faith can mess with one's mind mighty easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Leo1142 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 I'm Christian as well and I don't know which countries you guys are from but cuddling and sleeping in the same bed with the opposite gender is not considered a sin in any way. Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone you're not married to or masturbating sure is, but not cuddling. Link to post Share on other sites
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