Back Again--And Struggling.

[nightingale95]

I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe there's someone out there who's felt this way before.

 

I've posted here before but have been inactive for a while. When it comes to responses, I prefer that they be from ace folks who have been sexually active or are sexually active since I believe that they would understand my experience best.

 

Lately I've been having a lot of weird feelings about my sex life. I've noticed that I'm not all there when it's happening. I feel very disconnected from my body. For the longest time people would ask me what I like and I would tell them, "I don't know." I don't really know what that question means. And I don't know why I'm having sex at all. I've done it with a lot of people, many of them were people I wouldn't normally consider having sex with, but I guess I liked the feeling of being desirable and considered "good in bed." I'm a very introverted and solitary person. I have friends but I text them sporadically. I don't attend parties or festivals or gatherings--I'd rather be at the library reading, or writing, or drawing. Sex offered me a way to attain (what I perceived to be) some kind of good social status/reputation through one-on-one interactions. My being sexually active made me feel less like a "loser," I guess. But, here's the thing: I feel more like a loser when I'm having sex than I do when I'm not.

 

I feel like I'm betraying myself in some way and it's made me feel very internally hostile towards sexuality, sex-positivity, and the queer community (to which I de facto "belong" to, being an NB person). The queer community has become emblematic of sexual excess and abuse to me... and I've known and slept with one too many queer/poly people who have turned out to be pretty horrible human beings, one of them even had sex with me when I was terribly drunk and depressed and then never spoke to me again. That's not to say that I believe queers are inherently hedonistic and abusive, it's just that whenever I think about attending a queer gathering or event I am immediately reminded of every single crappy queer person I have ever let touch me, and how I don't want to be there because I don't want people being attracted to me or wanting to date me. It feels degrading and dehumanizing. I don't like being objectified or sexualized.

 

And then there's romance... I've come to the conclusion that I'm likely aromantic, though I view aromanticism as being akin to atheism, since "romance" doesn't actually exist, it's this metaphysical meaning we give chemical reactions in our brain telling us to mate. I haven't felt the desire for romance or romantic attraction to anyone two years, since my break up with the only person I have ever had a long term romantic partnership with. I think I confused codependency for romantic love...

 

I've begun to feel the same way about sex. I've gone on Tinder and OkC, talked to some people, but didn't really feel a desire to meet them or sleep with them. I kept thinking to myself, Why waste time on a date with someone when I could be working on projects that I actually care about? So I would delete my accounts, go back on again when I felt lonely, remember why I didn't want to be there, and then delete my account again.

 

There's one person in my life, someone I consider to be my best friend at the moment, who I have had regular sex with. I haven't seen her in a while and it's given me the space to think about what it is I want, and I don't want to have sex, because I've disassociated every single time we've done it. It's driving me crazy. I'll tell her the next time I see her that I've been having issues feeling connected to my body, but I'm not going to say anything about my attitude towards sex in general. She's super sex-positive and enjoys kink and has a very high sex drive (weird that I'd be friends with someone like that, but I know enough to separate my own personal feelings from how I view actual people so I don't project my crap onto them) and I feel miserable telling her how I feel. But I can't help it... I've reached my breaking point and forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do and lying about liking it is going to damage me even further.

 

I don't know who to talk to about what's really going on. I don't know anyone else who has ever cultivated this many anti-sexual feelings... but I've being obsessively anti-sex. All I can think about is how much I hate it and how much I hate what I've done and how alone I feel in an oversexed world. I feel like everyone's first reaction would be to tell me: "Oh, it's just shame. Have more sex and stop feeling bad about it." But, shame or not, I feel like that's the equivalent of telling someone with depression to "Just stop feeling sad."

 

Long story... I'm sorry. I'll stop talking now. If anyone understands, please let me know. I'm really tired of feeling alone. And, yes, maybe therapy will help, but right now I just need to know that I'm not the only person on the planet who feels this way.

[Lichley]

Welcome! I’d say for starters that avoiding sex for now is definitely the best call. Give yourself a break from all of that.

 

From the sound of it you’re pretty stressed at the moment, so I’d recommend doing things that calm you down and not worrying about it all the time. Find a nice quiet library corner, or better yet (hear me out here) a garden centre cafe - Reading a good book over some tea and cake surrounded by pretty flowers is super relaxing. Just take some time away from it all.

 

Later you can come back here and the folks in the Sexual Partners Forum can help you sort out a game plan for what to do next. Tell your friend about the dissociation thing, and say that you’re just gonna take a break from it all for a while you figure things out. You can worry about long term stuff later. Focus on taking care of you first. 

 

[Mish40]

Hello Nightingale!

I've been sexually active in the past and although I haven't properly dissociated, I always found it really difficult to stay in the moment and my mind not wander to thoughts that it's just 'an inane rubbing together of body parts' which is pretty much how I think of sex now.  Rather than punish yourself for your past experiences, try and remember that the societal pressure for us to be sexual beings is one of the biggest pressures we face.  Its everywhere isnt it? from tv and movies to advertisements for everything, everywhere! It's no wonder some people dont connect the dots until later in life.  I kept going back to doing physical stuff after I had found out about asexuality because I guess I couldn't believe it was true, because well everyone likes sex dont they?
For now, I'm trying to just be kind to myself and talking on here is helping me to embrace the real me. I've no real rush to come out to anyone yet, I just want to spend time getting to know this new aspect of my character.

 

Hope that helps,

Mish 🍰

[Phantasmal Fingers]

@nightingale95 - let me try and summarise your post in terms of the way it comes across to me. Btw I'm male, aro-ace and had sex a handful of times, a long, long time ago, out of curiosity.

 

The following is what I seem to hear you saying... but, from your side, is it really what you are saying??? 

 

"I use sex to make myself feel better but it's not working. So I don't really understand why I keep doing this. Even though I don't really get anything from sex I know that others do - they connect with each other through having sex. But I can't really connect with anyone this way because during sex, although they are switched on, I'm switched off. I've pretended to be intimate with people I've had sex with, but in a sense we've never really met. I don't really want sex per se or romance per se. I'm alone but I 'd really like to connect with someone - it's the connection I want, not the sex or the romance. From a romantic sexual's viewpoint I'm the wrong way round - they think I want to connect with someone so I can deepen the connection through having sex. I think I may've internalised the idea that I should be this way around. But I've never really been convinced I am like this. I want to meet someone on a deeper meaningful level than sex is for me. I want to know that we both value that - and each other - because of that. I don't really want to fuck anyone. Or fall in love with anyone. I'm pretty sure I'm aro-ace."

 

So am I! 🙂

[nightingale95]

@Mish40 Yes, the pressure is real. And I've never been a fan of claiming any sort of sexual identity. The problem with labels is that it feels like a commitment to embody some sort of societal expectation of what that label means, if that makes sense? I've gone through a revolving door of labels and have broken unspoken rules about what people of that label are supposed to be and do. For example, I identified as a lesbian at one point, then slept with men after coming out, then I identified as bi/pansexual and slept exclusively with women because I didn't like men at all. Now I realize that I'm just over sex, period, but I don't want to claim to be ace because what if I start having sex again--what if people don't believe me because I hid for so long? I think I'd have to have years of celibacy under my belt before I can even consider coming out. Wait until it's been 4 or 5 years and someone asks me, "Why haven't you been dating?" And I'll respond, "You know what, I just don't want to."

 

But, yes, like you I have a completely deconstructed/post-modern view of sex. It's lost its luster. When I was a teenager it was a mystery and I really wanted to do it because that was the "cool" thing to do. Sex seemed cool. And when I was sleeping around I felt cool--there are a lot of folks out there who really struggle with dating but I was darn good at it, and I was darn good at giving people pleasure, but they could never reciprocate. I can't climax with another person, and the physical sensations don't bring on any ecstatic experiences. After four years of sexual activity, I'm finally over it. I've gained an adult perspective, on love and sex, and that perspective is one of "eh, I don't care if I ever do this again." But the pressure remains, and I feel a lot of pressure to have the sex in the queer community because the whole queer community was built on sex to begin with. There seem to be no asexual aspects to queerness, except gender-wise. And I don't mean asexuality as an orientation, I mean queer ways of being that don't involve who you're having sex with or how. I don't get along well in a heteronormative context because I'm GNC and not into men, marriage, kids, etc. but I don't feel like I fit in the queer community either. Where are all the dandies at?

 

@Moderne Jazzhanden Yes, most of what you said is pretty on-point, though the connection aspect is pretty complicated, too. I don't know how to connect with people without sleeping with them. Sex and love are such straight-forward means of making friends, you know that they're into you because they're sleeping with you (most of the time--there are exceptions and I admit, I have slept with people I had no intention of being friends with, which I regret deeply). The friendships were platonic because sex held no special, romantic meaning for me, though it did with the other people, which caused conflict. Now, after all the betrayals and violations, I'm reluctant to connect. Family and community cause sickness and recoil in me. I've entered this endless, self-defeating cycle of social longing and isolation. I know I'm lonely, I just don't know what I'm lonely for. Another mind, I think? No more bodies, just idea exchanges. I'm in a Cartesian headspace--I'm so sick of bodies and people identifying with bodies. That doesn't mean interacting only virtually. What I want are people that aren't all body-centric, who care about intellect more than they do bodily wants.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

So you are ace? 

[QueenoHearts AceoSpades]

Dissociation is definitely real. 
I’m not aromantic but definitely don’t always feel present during sex. Especially if I’ve managed to have an orgasm. But then it’s about the other person. Happy to oblige but I really really vague out and ignore everything going on... only do it if you are committed. If you’re aromantic you probably shouldn’t be putting yourself in that position. 

[nightingale95]

@Moderne Jazzhanden I just want to be a person. A totally sexless person in body and behavior. I want to be the most plain, unsexy human imaginable (without being grotesque, of course), so I can leave behind that whole culture I've been entrenched in all these years. Fortunately, I'm moving out of state. I think that will make the transition a lot easier for me, so long as I don't slip up and give in to peer pressure, again. (I doubt that I will--never before has my desire for that kind of social affirmation been so low. It would feel good to say to myself: "No, you don't have to do it. Yes, you can think it's gross, and that's okay.") I want to believe that what I'm feeling isn't shame. If the cure was "have more sex" then I should've been "cured" long ago. The issue has always been my fear of hurting the feelings of the people I was sleeping with and losing their friendship because we would no longer be doing the one activity that brought us together. But even though telling myself that I don't have to do it feels good, I don't know how to make friends going forward, especially friend's that will stick around. More often than not folks have an established group of friends and I'm like a sticker that gets tacked on: I obviously don't belong there and if I'm removed then it's not like anyone's going to miss way. Sex is the easiest way to establish a solid connection with someone... or so I thought. Of the many people I have messed around with, pretty much every single one of them has had no qualms leaving me.

 

@QueenoHearts AceoSpades Some people I've known (my current partner is an excellent example) like to have sex for entertainment purposes. It's like watching TV or going out to eat... just something we'd do. Our relationship isn't 100% contingent on it, but I still feel like I'm cutting out her favorite activity. She's okay with me not being romantically attached to her. I've told everyone up front that I won't fall in love with them and have had some folks break things off with me because they realized later that they weren't able to handle it. But you're right, I don't want to be doing things that may cause people to form feelings that aren't reciprocated. I wish people were more straightforward, though. What is this thing about saying "nah, we're not going to fall in love" but secretly expecting to fall in love anyway? I think we have this delusion that sex in our culture is high-context when it's really not (American culture is hella low-context, we have to talk our way through everything). That's why consent is such an issue. But that's a whole other can of worms.