Invisibility Cloak?

[A-Panda]

Good evening,

 

I'm new to all this. And I might just not be able to come up with the right search words to answer my question from what is an here already. I've asked this in my "introductional thread" already in a very short form. But I wanted to clarify and maybe get a more concise answer - if there is one.

 

I've come across the term "sexual sonar" recently in connection with asexuality, with the "non-ace" person using it describing an incident where they were unaware of the presence of an "ace" person in a group of presumably non-ace people because their "sexual sonar" didn't throw anything back from them. They just didn't register for them until they came up to introduce themselves directly.

This felt surprisingly familiar for me, from the "invisible" point of view, though I've mostly attributed it to me not being outgoing or talkative enough to register in any group of more than two. As I can fade into stealth mode in full goth "battle gear", I'd discount just  looking too unassuming. I'd also like to state that this doesn't necessarily bother me as my friends seem to be able to still see me even when others don't. ^^'

 

So is that just me? Do others identifying as on the asexual spectrum have similar experiences?

Is there a "sexual sonar" and do aces just not ping back (or not loudly enough)?

[A-Panda]

Thank you for the reply. Maybe I should add that the person suggesting the "sexual sonar" hypothesis also held the belief that people give off different levels of sexual energy, grouping themselves as someone radiating on a high level.

So it would be less of a mutual signalling than something like background radiation, or lack of, completely disconnected from whether two (or more) people wanted to communicate sexual interest to each other.

 

I know this chain of events from personal experience, as I said, so maybe that just proves I'm an extremely boring person. 🤔

[Sniveon]

I think in most scenarios people don't talk much about their sexuality and even though some asexuals feel unconfortable talking about sex I feel indiferent so I don't really care. 

[SithLord]

The use of quotes here is making me feel they're somehow meant to delegitimize the terms. Can I ask why you felt the need to isolate the labels inside quotation marks? 

[SithLord]

If I'm overlooked, it's because I'm quiet and a wallflower. I've found the more I insert myself into things, the more I'm noticed and remembered. It has nothing to do with my asexuality, moreso with my social anxiety and introversion. 

[A-Panda]

2 minutes ago, SithEmpress said:

The use of quotes here is making me feel they're somehow meant to delegitimize the terms. Can I ask why you felt the need to isolate the labels inside quotation marks? 

With "sexual sonar" it was basically to imply that this probably isn't a scientific term and maybe not even a real thing.

 

With "ace"/"non-ace" it's just me being unsure about what labels and terms to use for whom without accidentally insulting or excluding anyone while still transporting my intended meaning in as short a form as possible.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, CBC said:

That sounds a bit like nonsense to me.

Yeah...

 

I dont think I could tell a sexual from an ace unless they told me their personal likes and dislikes...

 

There certainly is no energy I get from them. 

[gisiebob]

I am sure there are people who have the understanding that sexual expression is important enough to consider it a second sight, and won't notice me as readily simply because I don't put any effort to express sexuality.

there's certainly a "feels correct to the brain" feedback loop that could cause that

 

but when people talk about asexuality being an invisible orientation, they are more talking about assuming someone is a different orientation, such as "you haven't talked about your sexuality, so you must be straight" or "you haven't talked about the opposite gender so you must be gay" 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, CBC said:

Me neither unless it's someone I'm attracted to.

Well... yeah. I get a certain energy from my partner. But, that's an established sexual connection. Otherwise, people are just people to me. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, CBC said:

For me that's kind of part of developing the connection, feeling that energy. It's generally not instantaneous upon interacting with someone for the very first time ever and obviously it strengthens/deepens over time, but it doesn't have to be, like... an established partnership. It's part of how one would begin.

For me it's only happened once and it happened after 6 months of dating...

[Guest]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Yeah my experience is... different then.

Yeah. I can't even imagine attraction or chemistry with someone without a serious love type bond formed first. Like... the thought of kissing someone or anything by the 3rd date is literally repulsive to me. Which is why I gave up on dating.  Guessing yours is the more common experience. 

[daveb]

2 hours ago, SithEmpress said:

If I'm overlooked, it's because I'm quiet and a wallflower. I've found the more I insert myself into things, the more I'm noticed and remembered. It has nothing to do with my asexuality, moreso with my social anxiety and introversion. 

Same for me. I have been overlooked and/or felt invisible any number of times, but more often than not it was under general non-sexual circumstances (waiting to be waited on at a store or restaurant, for example). Probably the reverse of the proverbial greasy wheel.  

[A-Panda]

Thanks everybody for replying and sharing their thoughts so far. :-)

 

I find it interesting that most people in the comments seem not to see much of a connection, attributing such experiences to factors of their personality rather than sexuality, while it looks like very slight majority thinks they have observed something of a correlation. 

I myself am anything but sure as to whether or not there is a connection - which is why I asked and also haven't voted myself. Maybe it's just because I've still a lot of figuring out to do that made me consider this idea at all. I cannot yet quite grasp in how many areas of my social life being on the ace spectrum will have played a role concerning experiencing and observing things differently from people not on the ace spectrum. But I have a hunch that it isn't "only" non-platonic relationship stuff. And I'm someone who is ridiculously reassured by numbers and percentages... ^^'

[Snao Cone]

I feel more overlooked because of lifestyle/relationship status, which has more to do with aromanticism than asexuality. But that's in environments with mostly people past the age of 30, when sexual adventure isn't as novel or appealing. 

[daveb]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

Yeah in a general sense I find it easy to get by unnoticed for that reason. I'm quiet and I'm fine with that, I don't like drawing lots of attention.

"It's a blessing. And a curse."

 

Yeah, I don't like to attract lots of attention either. But seriously, when I'm trying to get food and am getting overlooked it's not good. I've had that happen more than once, that's for sure.

[Homer]

I don't do "labels", but being an elephant, I'm difficult to overlook.

[gisiebob]

maybe it's the sort of thing where people who connect sexuality with extrovertion don't find a lot of opinions counter to what they think

 

like the people in "staple a card to your forehead" club don't necessarily read what cad someone else has stapled to their forehead because it's probably a SCYF club card, even when in reality it was just a bizarre ad idea for this guys lawncare company and he's just glad to be in the company of people who don't think he's crazy for it.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Well, I don't know - about a thousand years ago, in my early 20s, I went out clubbing with some work mates and ended up kind of surrounded by lads. Just dancing with me and giving me a lot of attention, so much so that it started a joke at work that I was a 'man magnet'. 

 

This was so weird and unusual for me, that I was talking to a housemate about it - 'that never usually happens to me' I said - and he said 'No, I would never go for you in a club. You just don't look like you'd be up for it.'

 

From this I gathered that, in that kind of situation, there IS some kind of sexual energy that men try to detect....? It mystified me. 

 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

 I guess so. People can definitely sense the presence of sexual tension, so they must also sense its absence - though an absence is obviously not a vibe (that said, I have been told I give off vibes that I don't want a sexual relationship). If someone was watching an asexual person closely they might eventually work out that this person never gives off any sexual energy, with anyone...In my experience, people can sense something they might consider unusual, even if they wouldn't specifically detect an asexual person. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have only once knowingly met other aces offline... and it was specifically an ace meetup.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

I've never met anyone who identifies as ace in real life, but I definitely wonder about a couple of people I know. Maybe more people will start to openly identify that way in future - for younger people than me that's probably already true!