Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Hey guys! This is my first post in quite some time. I haven't been checking in in the AVEN forums for a while now...no specific reason for not, but I decided to poke my head in tonight. Like a lot of aces, I struggle with understanding the concept of sexual attraction, and it bothers me because I've only recently (in the past year) decided that I am in fact, asexual, and yet the more I read about what sexual attraction is, the more I think I may have experienced it at different points in my life. I am quoting something I found on a thread here about the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire, it said: Sexual attraction - Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you'd like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such. It's attraction to another person that at it's end wants to be physically intimate, as opposed to being attracted to someone in a way where you think, "I'd like to get to know them" or "I want to be their best friend" or "I want to be close to that person".Sexual desire - The desire to actually follow through with sexual attraction. I don't consider physiological reactions to be part of sexual desire, really, because in my case I know my body responds to sexual stimulus, the difference is that my mind isn't interested. So sexual desire is another mental thing, wanting actively to perform sexual acts with another person and believing that if you do you will feel gratified. So ok, the issue i have with reading these definitions, or opinions rather, is that "the lack of feeling of sexual attraction" is in the asexual definition, and yet I think I may have experienced it a very few times in life. The thing is, I still never had the desire to act on it so then I ask, am I still asexual? Or is it that if you experience sexual attraction, and yet don't want sex, there is something wrong with you? I'm kind of even more confused now. I have never had the desire to have sex with anyone, like actually carry through with it, (I only ever did out of social expectation) and I actually consider myself sex-repulsed. I don't link any sort of importance to it as far as a meaningful relationship goes, do not understand how anyone could possibly NEED it or how they can link it with love or connection, but I guess I'm just bothered because I've experienced something that goes against the asexual definition, and I really wanted to have my answer as to what my orientation is...any thoughts would be appreciated. 💜 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, CBC said: It doesn't have to be "seeing someone" though. I can feel attracted to someone who's not right in front of me and it's not based on appearance. It's just wanting to be sexual with a person, based on literally anything about them. Ok, and I think I understand that, my main question though, was that if you experience what you believe is sexual attraction, but never ever have the desire to act on it, can you still call yourself ace, or is there just something wrong? Like I said, I find the act repulsive really so yeah, wouldn't act on it but... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Another way of thinking about whether you're asexual is to ask yourself if you'd be bothered if you never had sex again, and whether you'd be happier in a sexless romantic relationship than one which had sex as an intrinsic way of sharing the bond between you and your partner. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, CBC said: Sorry, I just woke up and am not paying good attention. I... that scenario seems to come up with people, yeah, and the answer is that I've no idea. I feel like if you're thinking "I feel obviously sexual feelings for this person but I don't want to actually have sex with them", there's probably something else going on there. Others will disagree though, I can guarantee that. Yes maybe right? Do you see how that is distressing though, because I went from thinking, finally! Other people like me, I'm not broken! To thinking, oh maybe there is something wrong....having said that, do I want to change the fact that I don't want to have sex? No. Personally for me (and this is nothing against sexuals), i think it would be a pain in the ass for me to want sex, i like that it's not a part of my life, but, still conflicting because of definitions and such. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 1 minute ago, Expedition said: Another way of thinking about whether you're asexual is to ask yourself if you'd be bothered if you never had sex again, and whether you'd be happier in a sexless romantic relationship than one which had sex as an intrinsic way of sharing the bond between you and your partner. Omg, this actually helped so much thank you. I guess I'm super hung up on definitions lately, and wanting to fit in somewhere. No, I would not care if I ever had sex again and would LOVE to find someone with the same mindset so that I dont even have to hear the word mentioned again! (Within my relationship that is) Lol. I'd be perfectly fulfilled that way yes. Thanks again. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Without going near the whole definition rabbit-hole - the simplest definition of asexuality is just 'someone with no intrinsic desire to have sex with anyone else'. It avoids all the subjective unknowableness of however fuck you define 'sexual attraction', which nobody seems to be able to do to the satisfaction of AVEN. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 Just now, CBC said: Lol I mean, sometimes it is. Overall, no. What Expedition said is a reasonable way to look at it. Yes I will try to look at it that way then, that helps. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, Expedition said: Without going near the whole definition rabbit-hole - the simplest definition of asexuality is just 'someone with no intrinsic desire to have sex with anyone else'. It avoids all the subjective unknowableness of however fuck you define 'sexual attraction', which nobody seems to be able to do to the satisfaction of AVEN. Yes, this makes sense. I agree definitions are often hard because they have other definitions within them 🙄 I guess if I think about it that way, that yeah, I have no desire to have sex with someone, regardless of the rest, that works. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 16, 2020 Author Share Posted February 16, 2020 43 minutes ago, CBC said: What a bloody shame all threads don't go this way. Hahha right??? 😂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, Pheedre said: Ok, and I think I understand that, my main question though, was that if you experience what you believe is sexual attraction, but never ever have the desire to act on it, can you still call yourself ace, or is there just something wrong? Like I said, I find the act repulsive really so yeah, wouldn't act on it but... I mean... when it comes to relationships and how it relates to other people, it's not "I feel sexual feelings about you" that really matters. It's "I want to have sex with you/ I desire sex with you". If you tell your partner you find them hot and arousing OK they might feel good. But, if you never have sex with them, it's still gonna cause issues. So, I guess it depends on what you're trying to communicate. You could say gray/grey if you don't want to communicate no sexual reaction to people, but really, if you never desire having sex (partnered sexual interactions, not just PiV...) then to a sexual partner that grey probably won't matter much. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 The definitions are different everywhere, it is important to come to terms with using a more personal definition. A mystery to me too, though helpful links can help form a determination Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 1 hour ago, CBC said: Is it, though? What if my personal definition of 'bread' is "a home appliance used to wash laundry"? Bread can be used as a cleaning instrument in some applications so it isn’t too far from reality bread could be used for not-eating, not going too philosophical. No what I mean is Asexual definitions are different, like the desire vs.attraction, sex vs. No sex to the more extremes of disorder, illness, elitist or other reasons. To avoid debate, it’s open for personal definition only to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 4 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said: Bread can be used as a cleaning instrument in some applications so it isn’t too far from reality bread could be used for not-eating, not going too philosophical. No what I mean is Asexual definitions are different, like the desire vs.attraction, sex vs. No sex to the more extremes of disorder, illness, elitist or other reasons. To avoid debate, it’s open for personal definition only to me. Just.... no. Saying 'sexual attraction' is open to literally any definition anyone wants under some weird semantic exceptionalism is just logically wrong. Language only works because the speaker and the audience agree on its meaning. Without that factor, we might as well just go 'mooo mooo mooo' at each other with slightly different intonations. If you want to use the phoneme 'apple' to mean a citric soft fruit with segments, pith, and peel, in your internal narrative then fine. But it doesn't mean either 'apple' or 'orange' are subjectively defined in the world outside your head. ETA: More concretely, this sort of 'words mean whatever I want them to mean' nonsense is exactly why people like @Pheedre get confused in the first plac.e 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 8 hours ago, CBC said: Ah bugger it, I guess it was inevitable. 'Twas a beautiful lil masterpiece of a thread for a while. 🙃 😂 it's ok, I'm going to go with what one response said and consider it that, since I do not desire sex with anyone, and it isn't something that makes me feel broken, or like I'm missing anything in life, I'm ace. I'm ok with that 😊 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 I think I also read a second definition of asexuality here at one point too that said, "lack of desire for partnered sex", which I personally like way better because then you don't have to worry about the definition of "sexual attraction" or whether or not you've experienced it, you just have no desire to have sex with someone. For me, throw repulsion in there as well, and it's the perfect definition for me lol. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, CBC said: Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. Just no innate desire to connect sexually with other people. To me, it makes so much sense to define it that way. Right?? Because if you feel aroused or what have you, whatever you want to say, when you look at a person, fine, but if you have no desire to act on it, that is out of the norm so, I think it is a good definition. The other one is good too for people who don't experience it at all but yeah. 😊 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 hour ago, Pheedre said: I think I also read a second definition of asexuality here at one point too that said, "lack of desire for partnered sex", which I personally like way better because then you don't have to worry about the definition of "sexual attraction" or whether or not you've experienced it, you just have no desire to have sex with someone. For me, throw repulsion in there as well, and it's the perfect definition for me lol. 1 hour ago, CBC said: Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. Just no innate desire to connect sexually with other people. To me, it makes so much sense to define it that way. I absolutely agree. I can feel some kind of sexual attraction too - it's definitely more sexual than simply "esthetic attraction". But there's no way I'd actually have sex. Such an idea is just terrifying. Although, I don't like the wording "having no desire to act on it". To me it sounds like just... lack of a motivation? And to me it's much more - I don't just lack a desire for sex, I feel an active desire to never suffer sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 17 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said: Although, I don't like the wording "having no desire to act on it". To me it sounds like just... lack of a motivation? And to me it's much more - I don't just lack a desire for sex, I feel an active desire to never suffer sex. Hadn't thought of it that way, you're right, and I feel the same. I'm sex-repulsed as well so it's like, actively avoiding it for sure, not just not desiring. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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