How do you deal with men who want to hook up with you or ask you out?

[Chloe88]

It happens to me often but this month I've been asked out or asked for a hook up 6 times, and it's only mid-may through this month. Yesterday I was signing off some work carried out by electrical testers when one of them just said "I'm staying in a hotel in Birmingham City Center why don't you come over for a laugh?" and he was acting a bit creepy before that. I just didn't reply to which he asked again, then he asked "You deaf?" and I still didn't reply then he muttered something which I could not hear and he walked off and slammed the door on his way out. So childish!

A taxi driver the same day asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I asked him "how is this relevant to this journey?" to which he said "I'm just asking". When I arrived at the destination I walked off without paying.

And last week I was looking at a top in a fashion shop when a man who I don't even know comes up and with his phone held out, asks me "lets have your number" and looks me up and down. I actually thought he was some security guard and he thought I stole something but this was another shopper. 

I just ignore him to which he asks repeatedly and I just continue looking at clothes and then he repeats "whats wrong?" and "are you Polish? you don't understand English?" but I pretend that he's not there.

Eventually he goes away.

 

I deal with it by not replying or talking which I know really pisses them off. How do other girls deal with this?

[nutterwithasolderingiron]

ok. i've had this from straight girls and gay guys. i've also had lot's of friends experience this kinda thing. basically my rule is always decline politely and if they cant take the rejection, then there are precautions you can take. in most bars, if you tell the bar staff what they wont take the hint, they'll get security on them and in some cases, even set you aside in the back room for your own safety. 

 

shops can be the same but you're usually safer in shopping centers because most shopping centers have security. if it's a high street shop, you can usually explain the situation to the staff and they'll try helping. a few times when i worked in retail, we did that. 

as for the taxi situation. the best thing you can do is report them to the taxi company. multiple complaints about 1 driver is usually enough to get them fired or at least pulled up. taxi drivers usually have to take on lots of hours and even the idea of 1 week of no pay could be a good deterrent 

 

the sad truth is many people can feel they are gods gift to the world and rarely take rejection well. i've had friends who have told the police what happened and have been told "oh they're only being nice" or "maybe you should avoid dressing like that" which to me is part of the problem. plus in the uk, you can be fined or ever arrested for using pepper spray to defend yourself (well most pepper spray is illegal because it can do long term damage to a persons eyes if used on multiple occasions. which kinda says it all. dont punish men for being creeps but punish people who are at risk) 

[Acing It]

That must be really annoying if not exhausting. And the rude behaviour of those men as well! I'm too old for now for this but ignoring seems to work, eventually. It is very tiresom, though. On top of that comes the doubt about the underlying reason men are kind to you. I feel it's appaling the way women have to adapt their behaviour dress to avoid this kind of attraction. I guess the best technique is where you acknowledge them (so their pride is intact) but then politely decline? Still tiresome, though.

I would feel threatened on the other hand, when someone comes into my home to do something technical and they behaved in a creepy way or asked me out. I think it's outrageous behaviour.

[Acing It]

2 minutes ago, nutterwithasolderingiron said:

dont punish men for being creeps but punish people who are at risk

This is the sad truth of what is happening I think.

[Iam9man]

I’m sorry, I have no useful advice, but just wanted to say:

 

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

"You deaf?"

🤮

 

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

"lets have your number"

🤮

 

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

"are you Polish? you don't understand English?"

🤮

 

50 minutes ago, nutterwithasolderingiron said:

"maybe you should avoid dressing like that"

🤮

 

Talk about toxic masculinity. I’m embarrassed to be male and British 🤮🤮🤮

[weird elf]

"Sorry, I only date guys* with manners."

 

*or "people", depending on the situation, but as this is about males ... y'know.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Some men just believe that all women owe them sex. They are either genuinely unable to notice that a lot of women are not interested in them, to consider that it's even just rude to hit on strangers this way - or perhaps they do it because the culture has taught them that it's the way to behave. Some of them may not even be so hypersexual at all, they (try to) hook up with random women because they have internalised the idea that a man's value is measured by the number of women he has "seduced".

[weird elf]

"You deaf?" / "don't understand English?" - "What do you want? I don't speak Moron"

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

"You deaf?"

 

 

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

you don't understand English?"

🤮&😡 to these both - I actually have just walked away to which they may draw either conclusion. It's so uncomfortable & creepy.  Especially the ones who for whatever reason, think you'll eventually agree if they ask enough times. 

 

Depends on the mannerisms & immediate environment- sometimes politely declining is accepted.

 

If it's a colleague or friend - it can take a lot of courage, perhaps acknowledge that. 

 

I used to think being with a group of friends would feel safer - it wasn't all that much better. Especially when the friends are allo & they see it as "fun".

 

Imagine if bars had some kind of colour coding - red wristband/table/zone means not interested, yellow means maybe & green means welcome to approach. Wouldn't affect me as I don't tend to frequent bars...perhaps I'll start going if such a system was introduced & people respected those rules. 

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

taxi driver

A taxi driver turned around & made comments on how much I looked like his Thai wife. It was uncomfortable being stared at & looking back, I wish I got out the car but I froze. Luckily, I had the sense to ask to be dropped off a street or two before mine. 

[Rynn]

(Not a girl but society doesn't care)

Depends on the situation.

• If I could've reasonably not heard them, then yeah, ignoring and quickly moving on is safest and easiest.
• If I looked them in the eye or something else that makes it clear that I must've heard them, then I'll either just shake my head with an awkward smile or say 'No sorry', and then I'll quickly move on. 
• If they ask if I have a boyfriend, then you bet I do! I don't and am not even interested in dating men, but they don't need to know that.
• If it could be believable, then sometimes I do actually pretend not to speak their language. I speak a bunch of languages so I just pick one that I don't think they'll speak and start sounding confused in that one. Can be very effective.
• I have also given dudes who wouldn't stop my wechat back when I lived in China. It's not necessarily linked to a phone number, so ignoring after that is very easy.
• If we'd just been chatting about other stuff and suddenly the conversation shifts to 'I've decided you're going to be my girlfriend,' (Yes that's what he said. I'd met him 5 minutes earlier. Then he sent a picture of me to his mom saying that he'd found his new girlfriend.) then another strategy is the "Yeah okay" "Uhuh" "Oh sure" strategy. You're saying yes, but you make no effort to actually make that happen, and it's fairly clear in your tone that you mean no. I learned this one from my mom. She uses it in arguments. I can have all the brilliant arguments in the world, and she'll just say 'Darling, you're right' in a way that makes it clear that she absolutely does not think so. Any more arguing just leads to "Yes, darling, you're right." Great conversation stopper.
• If I'm not alone, and therefore feel safer, I'm more likely to give them an awkward 'You're being weird' look (I especially did this a lot back when I was 15 and getting hit on by 30 year olds, once even when standing right next to my dad).
• If I am alone and it's street harassers, hard ignore. Do not look in their direction (I've trained myself to not instinctively immediately look in the direction of loud noises or yelling). You pretend you don't know they are there, while really, you're hypervigilant and trying to rely on your hearing to know exactly how far they are and whether they are approaching. Pull out your phone.
• If it's street harassers yelling and whistling and I'm not alone, I'm more likely to yell back at them, which I don't recommend, but hey sometimes you're just so sick of this shit and sick of not being allowed to do anything about it because safety. "I'm not a fucking cat!" for example, for when dudes try to get your attention with those sucky mouth noises usually reserved for pets. But staying polite is better.
• If a dude starts touching and I'm alone, I freeze. Not good. But it's the truth. No advice there. Dunno how to deal.
• If a dude walks by and sneakily grabs my ass and I'm not alone, I tell whoever I'm with 'That dude just grabbed my ass,' dunno why, it's never helped, nobody's ever done anything about it, and I don't know what they even could do, but I just blurt it out without thinking. But those dudes generally just quickly leave themselves, so there isn't really a need for me to react properly to make sure I'm safe.
• If being followed, or someone in public transport stares at me for half an hour, I take out my phone and turn on whatsapp location sharing, tell people what's going on, and then I may start calling people asking them to meet me somewhere so I don't have to be alone, or fake-calling people and saying things like 'Hey (masculine name) I'm almost there, you'll be waiting for me at the bus stop right? Alright see you in a bit!' to make the dude think I won't be alone anymore soon and scare them off. This would probably also be what I'd have done in that taxi scenario.

 

[- Saph -]

From the first phase to the last phase:

1. I ignore them carefully.
2. If it fails I reply politely with very rational arguments then walk away and ignore them. That's usually how I need to react at work. Also with drunk people that are not aggressive I found out that talking them out nicely or jokingly to get their attention to something else could be successful.
3. After a while if I feel cornered my creepiest stare naturally comes out then I just run away.

Usually that's how it turns out. It never really goes easily or feels right. It's not a better reaction than anyone's.

I don't get used to sexual harrassment or other insults.  I would like to be express aggressivity or anger sometimes but it can be dangerous to fuel the fire. So I always feel angry because I had to act spineless and humiliate myself somehow to give them the slip.

 

Also to everyone that had strange experiences with taxis, stay safe.

There have been some cases of abductions by fake taxi drivers in my country. They were picking up clients (preferably drunk ones) at concerts or parties. I always use registered taxi drivers instead of uber and other apps because of this. The drivers affiliated with a company are more likely going to suffer from being reported (and fired) than independent drivers. Of course you may still get exposed to some crass humour, weird stares or womensplaining because it seems like it brightens their day to do this 🙄.

 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

48 minutes ago, Laurann said:

. "I'm not a fucking cat!" for example, for when dudes try to get your attention with those sucky mouth noises usually reserved for pets.

I had this happen to me once so I meowed, then hissed. They left.

 

50 minutes ago, Laurann said:

another strategy is the "Yeah okay" "Uhuh" "Oh sure" strategy. You're saying yes, but you make no effort to actually make that happen,

My go-to when I don't have the spoons. "That's nice." *Reads on phone*

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I guess the only thing I could add is to point out that except in situations where the men are outright rapists, women have all the power in these situations and the men resent the hell out of it. Women have the power of NO! So whatever one does in these situations, it's a no-win scenario. Look at the current president of the United States-- he's an open Creeper who boasts about his exploits in this regard. I suspect that this part of the reason so much of his 'base' is male and why he appeals to them.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if evolutionary psychology evolved human sexuality to the next level where Creepers were the very rare exception?

[TheCookie]

It doesn’t happen very often because I guess I’m not what you would call a head turner, but the few times I was approached in a social situation (like at the pub etc) it either made me immediately clam up and try to escape or if it’s more subtle, it just flies over my head and I think the man (it’s always a man) flirting with me is just friendly. I’ve been catcalled a fair amount of times and it always leaves me kinda shaken. I tried ignoring it (once I was accused of being racist by a very loud man on the bus because he catcalled me and I turned my head in the opposite direction, apparently to him that meant I was discriminating him or something. I was also accompanying a 10 year old child home from school when it happened so he was beyond inappropriate) and it always backfires, the catcaller gets more insistent or straight up laughs at me. Once I turned back and faced the guy, asked him what was his problem. He tried to make it sound like he was just innocently complimenting me while his friends laughed like idiots.

I had to report a Uber driver for looking back at me and saying multiple times that I was beautiful and I absolutely had to have children because that’s what beautiful women have to do in life.

Every time this stuff happens I feel so uncomfortable and sometimes scared. I think about it for days afterwards trying to figure out what would have been an appropriate response.

 I hate it.

[Acing It]

16 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

I always use registered taxi drivers instead of uber and other apps because of this.

That's a very good an important point! In the rare occasions I take a taxi I make sure it's an official one and I let other people know and which company the taxi comes from, ideally even text the numberplate to someone.

[Acing It]

8 minutes ago, TheCookie said:

I had to report a Uber driver for looking back at me and saying multiple times that I was beautiful and I absolutely had to have children because that’s what beautiful women have to do in life.

I bet you don't know what happened afterwards? Just curious whether there are any consequences.

8 minutes ago, TheCookie said:

Every time this stuff happens I feel so uncomfortable and sometimes scared. I think about it for days afterwards trying to figure out what would have been an appropriate response.

I do too. I have this one thing that happened to me years ago in that respect and it sometimes still randomly pops up in my mind. I was alone and just got off the train and someone kept insisting the would offer me a lift home and clung on to me (not literally) like a limpet. I would know what to do now but I was too young, shy etc... to know what to do. I got him off my back in the end.

[Chloe88]

2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Some men just believe that all women owe them sex.

 

True. They see women as disposable sex objects, fuck it, then chuck it.

 

 

47 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

always use registered taxi drivers instead of uber and other apps because of this.

Unfortunately, the bad experiences I've had with taxi drivers has all been with registered drivers in Birmingham and the surrounding areas like Coventry. If I complain, I get ignored and once I was told I was a "problem passenger" and that I was to never call them again.

The taxi trade seems to attract some really horny men!

 

3 hours ago, Acing It said:

That must be really annoying if not exhausting.

It's annoying. But for me suddenly it seems to have got worse.

[TheCookie]

39 minutes ago, Acing It said:

I bet you don't know what happened afterwards? Just curious whether there are any consequences.

 

The customer service was awesome. I actually didn't report at first, I didn't even give him one star, but 3... so if you give a low scoring Uber contacts you asking if something happened, I described the interaction and a few minutes later I got a message that my trip had been fully refunded and there would be an investigation.
Honestly I felt guilty because I didn't want to ruin the guy's career... he was creepy, sexist and horrible but I'm such a ball of self loathing and guilt that I actually felt bad for him. I also wondered if he could track down my address in case he got fired or something and decided it was my fault. Yay paranoia! (it didn't happen obviously)

[Acing It]

24 minutes ago, Chloe88 said:

Unfortunately, the bad experiences I've had with taxi drivers has all been with registered drivers in Birmingham and the surrounding areas like Coventry. If I complain, I get ignored and once I was told I was a "problem passenger" and that I was to never call them again.

The taxi trade seems to attract some really horny men!

I'm sorry to hear things have got worse. It's shocking to hear that these are official taxi companies that treat you liek a problem passenger. My gut feeling says that Stacy Dooley could make a meal out of this and bring it out in the open. I'm glad I don't have to rely on taxis but I feel for you. Would there be a possibility to ask for a female driver? Are there any where you live?

[Acing It]

16 minutes ago, TheCookie said:

The customer service was awesome. I actually didn't report at first, I didn't even give him one star, but 3... so if you give a low scoring Uber contacts you asking if something happened, I described the interaction and a few minutes later I got a message that my trip had been fully refunded and there would be an investigation.
Honestly I felt guilty because I didn't want to ruin the guy's career... he was creepy, sexist and horrible but I'm such a ball of self loathing and guilt that I actually felt bad for him. I also wondered if he could track down my address in case he got fired or something and decided it was my fault. Yay paranoia! (it didn't happen obviously)

It's great to hear that they at least seem to take things like this seriously. I've been there too with the paranoia, them tracking me down etc. It's not easy, but don't feel bad about the driver getting in trouble. At least it will make him think and hopefully it's making him a better person if he didn't realise he was being sexist and making you feel threatened. Feeling you're at fault seems to be the go to reaction for many women. You're not!

[Celyn: The Lutening]

14 minutes ago, Acing It said:

Would there be a possibility to ask for a female driver?

There's an all female taxi service in Melbourne, Aus. Can't remember what it's called and I'm not aware of any others.

 

It makes me feel sick that there's even a need for that sort of thing. 

[Acing It]

15 minutes ago, Celyn said:

There's an all female taxi service in Melbourne, Aus. Can't remember what it's called and I'm not aware of any others.

 

It makes me feel sick that there's even a need for that sort of thing. 

Mind you, what would happen if one of those men would get into a taxi driven by a woman. That's an equally difficult position to be in. Chucking someone out of a car is not easy, whether they sit next to you or behind you. You can always drive somewhere 'safe' I suppose but by that time... Anyway, apologies form meandering away from the thread.

[Chloe88]

1 hour ago, Acing It said:

I'm sorry to hear things have got worse. It's shocking to hear that these are official taxi companies that treat you liek a problem passenger. My gut feeling says that Stacy Dooley could make a meal out of this and bring it out in the open. I'm glad I don't have to rely on taxis but I feel for you. Would there be a possibility to ask for a female driver? Are there any where you live?

There probably aren't any females so it's not worth asking.

Basically, the taxi-company owners are very defensive and protective of their drivers and they accuse you of lying, so there is no point of complaining.

I do have my own car, but had to take taxis while it went in for servicing.

 

I've told my friends about this and with taxi drivers particularly, there is a problem which a lot of my female friends know about.

[Acing It]

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

the taxi-company owners are very defensive and protective of their drivers and they accuse you of lying

Maybe scared of law suits, especially since that taxi driver rapist got caught. Maybe a step too far but with those in cab cameras, maybe you give them a taste of their own medicine using your mobile phone without them knowing.

1 hour ago, Chloe88 said:

I've told my friends about this and with taxi drivers particularly, there is a problem which a lot of my female friends know about.

That's what I would do as well I think. Maybe the only thing that works is for them not to get any fares from women so it hurts where it matters to them. I never go to Brimingham otherwise I'd be interested to know as well.

[Nylocke]

Luckily I am in a situation where I seldom get attention from men anymore xD

[Celyn: The Lutening]

37 minutes ago, Nylocke said:

Luckily I am in a situation where I seldom get attention from men anymore xD

Likewise

[Nylocke]

Its a great place to be :D Though these days the only thing I have to deal with is my parents trying to push church dudes who are ex crack addicts and acid heads down my throat xD Because ya know, its best to "meet a man in church" despite the fact that no church relations ever work out and my sister is basically a head case because of doing that ...

[Phantasmal Fingers]

On 2/15/2020 at 8:33 AM, Chloe88 said:

It happens to me often but this month I've been asked out or asked for a hook up 6 times, and it's only mid-may through this month. Yesterday I was signing off some work carried out by electrical testers when one of them just said "I'm staying in a hotel in Birmingham City Center why don't you come over for a laugh?" and he was acting a bit creepy before that. I just didn't reply to which he asked again, then he asked "You deaf?" and I still didn't reply then he muttered something which I could not hear and he walked off and slammed the door on his way out. So childish!

A taxi driver the same day asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I asked him "how is this relevant to this journey?" to which he said "I'm just asking". When I arrived at the destination I walked off without paying.

And last week I was looking at a top in a fashion shop when a man who I don't even know comes up and with his phone held out, asks me "lets have your number" and looks me up and down. I actually thought he was some security guard and he thought I stole something but this was another shopper. 

I just ignore him to which he asks repeatedly and I just continue looking at clothes and then he repeats "whats wrong?" and "are you Polish? you don't understand English?" but I pretend that he's not there.

Eventually he goes away.

 

I deal with it by not replying or talking which I know really pisses them off. How do other girls deal with this?

As a male I can understand women (and men) who don't report being raped as it must be deeply traumatic to deal with what happens next. So it seems to me that this sort of low level harassment you describe (although I don't wish to belittle how unpleasant it must be) should DEFINITELY be reported to someone - as  @nutterwithasolderingiron has suggested above - even if you get a negative response to it.

 

Perhaps this might stop a few offenders from moving on to something worse? And also raise awareness of how obnoxious this type of behaviour is. 

[Chloe88]

51 minutes ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

should DEFINITELY be reported to someone

 

I don't disagree with you but I did report it to the taxi company and they dismissed it. What else can I do?  I could have and I still can report it to the council but I doubt they'd listen.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

11 minutes ago, Chloe88 said:

 

I don't disagree with you but I did report it to the taxi company and they dismissed it. What else can I do?

I'm not saying you can do anything else. 

 

12 minutes ago, Chloe88 said:

I could have and I still can report it to the council but I doubt they'd listen.

I'll take your word for that. But I think you should report it anyway. Only if more and more people do that will their attitude change.