Who Am I?

[swedchef13]

Greetings!

 

My husband found this network for me, as he has reached a point where he can no longer deal with a lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage.  I have a very difficult time talking about, thinking about, dealing with sex (well, and really, anything that might be 'wrong' with me), and things have just reached a point where I have to do something about myself or risk losing my marriage and everything I have.

 

Here's the backstory:

-First exposure to the male body was when my mother went to the local convenience store and purchased me a Playgirl.  She told me to look it over and ask her if I had any questions.

-No one in my family talks about sex.

-Intimacy, feelings of romance, are never shown in public; these actions are also rarely done in front of others.

-I am an only child.  I have 3 aunts and 2 uncles.  All three aunts married men that they do not want to have sex with.  I don't know about my mother, because that's never something we ever talked about, but I assume it's the same.

-My grandmother and my mother were both massive flirts.  I have confirmation from an aunt that my grandmother did cheat on both her husbands.  I have suspicion that my mother has cheated on my father with a 'close family friend'.

-I developed early in life (4th grade) and was made horrid fun of for this from then through jr. high.  Boys would bring their mother's bras in and stuff them and make fun of me.  They would ride their bikes behind our house and scream 'bra stuffer' at me.  Girls would poke my breasts to find out if the bra was stuffed.

-My aunt's husband attempted to molest me when I was 16.  They would take us jet skiing and he would wrap his arms around my chest 'for protection'.  He would stick his hands inside my life jacket.  He made several obscene comments to me while I was helping him paint some rental units they owned.  I told my mother, she forbid me to spend any more time with him.  We gave my aunt various excuses for why I could no longer come over and help her or see her.  She does not to this day what he tried to do.

-Lost my viginity when I was 18, the summer between high school and college.  Once we started having sex, that was what the relationship turned into.

-Went to a Christian college and decided that I didn't want to have sex before I got married.

-Met someone my junior year of college and became engaged the summer between my junior and senior years.  Started having sex since I was going to marry him.

-Mother found out I was having sex with my fiance and kicked me out of the house (literally had me move out all my things, including my cat).

-I 'moved in with' my fiance and his roommate, meaning all my stuff was in their apt and I would visit on the weekends and we would have sex.

-I got married after my senior year (not graduated because I needed a couple extra credits) because I could not go back home and didn't think I could make it on my own.

-During my first year of marriage, husband worked several part time jobs, while I worked full time at a grocery store.  We were hit and miss on spending time together.

-On our first anniversary, I dressed up all nice in lingerie and waited for my husband to come home from work.  He finally called to say that he was asked to stay over to work and he had.

-After that incident, I completely gave up on anything romantic with him, and pulled away from sex with him.  Sex became an obligation and chore, and was done with my arm across my forehead so that he couldn't kiss me or touch me.

-Got a phone call right after my second anniversary from his friend (the best man at our wedding), telling me that my husband confided in him that he was cheating on me with someone from work and that he had an STD.  Best man said that it wasn't okay for him to put me in jeopardy like that, and if he didn't tell me that he was cheating and had an STD, then he would.  Husband chickened out and best man called me and told me.  Husband was moved downstairs in our two floor apt that weekend.

-Divorce was mutually agreed upon.  Husband would live downstairs and continue on with his girlfriend.  I would live upstairs and do what I wanted as far as dating.  Husband was rarely home, as he was spending all his time with his girlfriend or at work.

-Husband moved out and divorce was finalized.  Girlfriend was pregnant with their first child at the time of our divorce.

-Best man and I kept in contact as friends.

-I took this time after my divorce to behave as I would have during college.  I dated around, I had sex with multiple people I was dating, had sex with a couple people I wasn't dating.

-I got the chance to 'date' my love interest from college (before my fiance came into the picture).  I was madly in love with this person.  He had no feelings for me other than friendship, and we were close.  He had been through one relationship, did not have sexual intercourse with her, but did everything but.  When he and I attempted to 'date', it became very clear to me very quickly that the only thing he was interested in was what he could get out of me sexually, aside from intercourse.  After only a couple times of me going to see him over the weekend, I fled the house one morning after he went out for a run because I knew I was being used for 'sex' and couldn't confront him about it.  I also got the impression from him that if I were to 'cut off' any sexual activity that he would reject me entirely.

-Best man and I continued talking throughout this time.  Then best man had some personal issues and went to prison.

-Best man and I exchanged phone calls, letter, and visits during his first year away.

-One year after he had been in prison, he realized he had feelings for me and expressed them.  I expressed them back.

-We continued to 'court' through his prison time.  We would kiss and hug in the prison visiting room, but were very limited in what we could do and for what length of time, as intimacy was prohibited.

-He was released and came to live with me.

-About 2 months after he was home, we started a sexual relationship.  Prior to this time, we would hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc.

-The personal reason he went to prison was because he hurt his children (one each from each failed marriage).  After having sex for about 2 months, using only condoms, and only using those sometimes, he had a panic attack one night after sex and thought that I might be or would end up pregnant.  This was the last time we had sex.  That was 13 years ago.

-My anxiety and depression began between the time he came home and the time we got married.

-We were married 3 years later.  We thought we would have sex after we were married.  I was not able to do so.

-When he would want to talk about sex, I would tell him that I was trying to figure things out and that I didn't know how to fit sex into my life (I operate on a routine daily, and often get flustered when taken off that routine).

-He was put on medication for his own mental illnesses and became a 'zombie' when it came to sex.  This lasted for 5-6 years.

-He would bring up sex about once a year, we would talk, and I would make no changes to my behavior, and would dismiss things, as they would go away and I wouldn't have to deal with them for another year.

-He changed his medications after seeing a new Dr and lost the 'zombie' mental status.  He became more interested in sex.

-We both decided that it would be a good idea to talk to someone about things.  We started seeing a counselor that was supposed to specialize in relationship and sex, but those sessions ended up getting us no farther along in the situation, and we stopped seeing that Dr when I figured out that the problem was me.

-I started seeing a new Dr to talk about my dislike of sex and inability to have it with my husband.  We have spent the last 2 years talking about me, my relationship with my husband, his negative behaviors, and about my views toward sex.

 

And we arrive here today, with my husband finally having had enough after seeing his own therapist and both his Dr and therapist asking him why he hasn't divorced me yet.  We are very bad at talking about sex, often bad at communicating with one another.  I am very introverted and don't like to share my feelings or talk because I inherently believe (and have had many years of experience with) people aren't listening to you because they are actively listening to you, they are listening to you to respond and talk about themselves.  That was the case with my husband for a long time, he would use something I was trying to talk about to turn it back around on himself so he could talk.  He likes to talk, a lot.  In the roles of gender, when it comes to talking, I am the man and he is the woman.  I keep my mouth shut and everything to myself, and he won't stop talking.  However, he is sneaky, likes to hide things, does things while I am not around that I would not approve of (drinking to excess, watching excessive amounts of porn), spent money without telling me ($20,000 in credit cards over the course of a year, all the while I was thinking he was spending money from a side business that he runs instead of our normal income), lies, exaggerates things, etc.  He has never cheated on me, but he does watch a lot of porn.  Within the last year, he has found any show that he can about sex that isn't porn to watch.  He doesn't shower on a regular basis (I am talking once a week if we are lucky), doesn't take care of himself in other ways, is overweight, is depressed about his life, and about once a year tries to sabotage his life in one way or another.  We don't date each other, every day is the same routine for us, and things that we used to do together and enjoy, we don't anymore.

 

So let's come back to me and where I am today.  I don't like sex.  I don't want anything to do with it.  Everything about it disgusts me.  I believe that I am bad at sex and never really wanted to try cause I figured I would be a disappointment to any man I was with (after all, I am really just there for them to get their rocks off and a hole for them to stick their dick in, right?)  I never touch my husband.  I never touch my family members or friends.  I have anxiety when they touch me.  I have anxiety when my husband touches me sometimes.  I know that he wants to have sex with me, and I think that every time he tries to kiss me for more than a peck that he wants to have sex with me.  I pull away.  I don't want anything in my vagina.  I don't have any desire to have sex, with anyone.  I have no sexual attraction for anyone.  I don't want someone else to want me.  I have no desire for anyone, and I have no desire to be desired.  About 5 years ago, I developed a skin condition called HS.  It's gross, and it's where you get these boil or large pimple type lesions on your skin, and they are painful.  They typically occur under the arms, the breasts, and the groin.  Mine are mainly in the groin.  Sometimes they burst, sometimes they don't.  They can leave scarring and tunneling under your skin.  It sucks.  And it certainly doesn't help one feel sexy, although I haven't felt that way in a long, LONG time (before the HS).

 

He mentioned a few weeks ago that I might be asexual after reading about it on Reddit (which can be a very dark and depressing place, and people aren't so nice over there).  I said I would look into it.  I have been reading over what is on here.  I now have to put labels on myself to figure out where I am in the sexual world.  It's the best way to express what I am feeling and thinking.  I think I am asexual, and have become this way over the course of my life.  I used to be sexual, but I am not anymore.  I think I am gray-romantic.  Sometimes I am able to feel romantic feelings for my husband, but that is usually when I am away from him and he hasn't been doing things that piss me off or trying to sabotage his life.  When he acts like a mature, responsible adult, those are the times when I feel romantic feelings.  I think I am sex-adverse.  I don't like sex for me, I don't really enjoying watching sexual situations on TV or in movies, and I certainly am not into porn.  I can watch or discuss such things in a professional or educational matter, but don't like it when it becomes personal.  I think there is WAY too much sex on TV, in music, in movies, and in the media.  I think sex can be used as a very harmful tool and is done so a LOT.  I am sex-positive, as I think it's great for other people to have sex, just not me.  I don't have any problems with LGBTQ, and consider myself an ally.

 

So, we come back to the title of this topic: Who Am I?

-Asexual

-Gray-romantic

-Sex-adverse

-Sex positive

 

And:

-Only child

-Animal lover

-Cat mama of 5

-41

-Former social worker of 20 years

-Caretaker to two elderly parents

-Currently unemployed

-Trying to start a cat cafe

-On psych meds

-Fearful of losing my husband and everything in my life because of lack of sex and intimacy for the last 13 years

 

Nice to meet you.

[Lichley]

Welcome! You’re starting s cat cafe? Those are the best, I’m sure you’ll get tonnes of customers once you’re all set up. 

 

Ok, onto the main topic. It’s clear to me that there has definitely been a breakdown in communication between the two of you, and that you don’t seem the happiest about the relationship you’re in, but you still love and care for him emotionally. You’re both working through a lot, and the added pressure of him wanting intimacy and you not wanting to be touched only compounds this. It sounds to me like you might be touch-adverse.  

 

My point is, you two need to find some kind of compromise that let’s the two of you achieve the intimacy he desires and the emotional connection you desire. Note the use of the word compromise, not a lone sacrifice on your part, but finding a middle ground that you are both comfortable with. Emphasis on you being comfortable with it, because making yourself unhappy just for someone else’s pleasure is going to lead to resentment. 

 

I’d recommend talking to the folks in the sexual partners forum on more specifics of your options, as I’m not the most knowledgable on the subject myself.