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rivianmage

25 and feel ashamed

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rivianmage

Hi everyone,

 

Newly registered, looking for answers. I don't ever remember having a sexual attraction to someone. I turned 25 this week and all of my relationships have been sexless (I am still a virgin, which I feel ashamed about, for whatever reason).

 

My last 'serious' relationship we fooled around, and hated when he fingered me (TMI, sorry) I mentioned to him that I thought I might be asexual and he just said 'we need to have a serious conversation in the future. If you are, you can't expect me to not go out looking for sex'. Coincidentally, he ended things a few days later.

 

I don't know the purpose of this thread, I just wanted to vent and ask if anyone had similar situations/experiences? 

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Jade Cross

Could have had a little more tact that straight out basically implying "I will cheat, if you dont give me sex", but its for the best to separate when incompatibility is a deal breaker.

 

No shame in being a virgin at 25 or being a virgin at all. Plenty of us here, your age and older are virgins and were ok with it. Many have gone through the same so you will find lots of people that can help

 

 

 

 

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

I'm 30 and still virgin and very happy, having sex is never a need. Do not feel ashamed in not doing what many others expect you to do, so that you fit what they WANT you to be. I've never been in a physical relationship or married and never will. I'll never be sexual on any level with anyone and never will masturbate, neither of them are a "need", you should never feel pressured to do either just because society expects everyone at least once in their lives been sexual with someone. 

Trying sexual intercourse is a WANT and never a "need" today's society is too sexualized and I do not like it one bit. 

You may get the "But you're missing out" "You'll change your mind when you find the right person" To far more horrible responses that are not fit to repeat for here.

If anyone tries telling you you "need" to try it, simply say you never desired it, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with never wanting sex or trying it.

In fact I never felt the want or "need" to love anyone or wanting to be loved, it's not a need but a want that most have that I never desired or could understand.  

Be happy to be virgin, there are MANY older people that are virgin and extremely happy.

I was 13 when I knew I'd never want to be sexual, love anyone or date and to this day I've never had a physical relationship, I'm not missing out, it's not unfortunate or a thing I "need" professional help for.

Be happy who you are, and know there ARE more like you HERE in AVEN...... you'll have support here.

 

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Acing It

Whether you feel shame is a different matter but there's no shame in being a virgin at all. In a very sexualised society, society tries to make you believe there's something wrong with you if you haven't had sex by 14 (slight exagerration or not?) but that's just make belief in my view. Have a look at this thread:

Welcome  by the way! I hope you find some soulmates here! 🙂

Edited by Acing It
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CBC
5 minutes ago, Acing It said:

society tries to make you believe there's something wrong with you if you haven't had sex by 14 (slight exagerration or not?)

Definitely an exaggeration. The majority of 14-year-olds are not having sex.

 

26 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Could have had a little more tact that straight out basically implying "I will cheat, if you dont give me sex", but its for the best to separate when incompatibility is a deal breaker.

Well I don't quite think it's quite cheating if you tell someone what your plan is. But yeah I doubt this relationship will work.

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Expedition

'Give me sex' isn't really how sexuals tend to think of it. More like 'have a mutually desirous sexual element to our relationship'. 

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Eutierria
48 minutes ago, rivianmage said:

I feel ashamed about, for whatever reason).

Have you heard of Brene Brown? Look up their work on shame resilience. It might help you shift some unhelpful thought patterns. 

 

Do what feels right for you. Some cultures contribute to older virgins feeling shame & some cultures contribute towards slut-shaming if individuals start to experiment as teenagers or not "save themselves for marriage". There really is no "right way". 

 

This kind of stuff can take a long time to figure out. Don't feel like you have to rush it. Good luck! 🍰

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Laurann

I've also recently turned 25 and am a virgin (though I don't like that word and think we should probably delete it from the English language). I don't feel ashamed. Having sex was never the plan, so not having had it isn't a failure. I'm right on track.

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Jade Cross
37 minutes ago, CBC said:

Definitely an exaggeration. The majority of 14-year-olds are not having sex.

Umm, well Im not so sure. I mean I dont have any statistics or anything at hand but  a certain memory seeing a 13 year old pregnant girl with her mother furiously loomimg over her (and a few other cases), is edged in my head and I cant get over the (I dont even know hownto properly describe it )sensation I felt seeing a little girl with her stomach looking like that. If they had said it was a tumor or something, I would have logically assesed it better.

 

Im not shaming the girl or anything. Im sure she was in more than enough trouble as it was.

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CBC
1 minute ago, Jade Cross said:

Umm, well Im not so sure. I mean I dont have any statistics or anything at hand but  a certain memory seeing a 13 year old pregnant girl with her mother furiously loomimg over her (and a few other cases), is edged in my head and I cant get over the scared shitless sensation I felt seeing a little girl with her stomach looking like that.  

And? That's a few people, that's not all 13-year-olds. Think of all the young teen girls you see who aren't pregnant. Which would be the vast majority of them. Do some people have sex that young? Of course. My best friend was 14 and I knew another girl who was 13. Far more people were in their late teens though, and early 20s as well.

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Jade Cross
1 minute ago, CBC said:

And? That's a few people, that's not all 13-year-olds. Think of all the young teen girls you see who aren't pregnant. Which would be the vast majority of them. Do some people have sex that young? Of course. My best friend was 14 and I knew another girl who was 13. Far more people were in their late teens though, and early 20s as well.

Apologies. I guess that came out wrong.

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CBC

Yeah all that sounds about right.

 

Other than... Jesus Christ, back in 1991, 10.2% of teens had had sex before the age of 13...?! Damn. Yep, sex is great and all (I know I know, asexuals are not likely to agree there haha), but why are you having it at 11 or 12 or whatever? Lotta nope there. That makes me uncomfortable to think about.

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Jade Cross
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah all that sounds about right.

 

Other than... Jesus Christ, back in 1991, 10.2% of teens had had sex before the age of 13...?! Damn. Yep, sex is great and all (I know I know, asexuals are not likely to agree there haha), but why are you having it at 11 or 12 or whatever? Lotta nope there. That makes me uncomfortable to think about.

Sometimes curiosity, sometimes pressure, sometimes both.

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CBC

Well yeah, but. Yikes. There's even such a huge difference between 11/12 and, say, 14/15.

 

Truthfully, for all my progressive and very sex-positive attitudes, I super don't like the idea of really young teens getting it on. Keep it in your pants and learn to masturbate. You don't need to be shagging at 13.


I'm am no prude in general, but. 
 

/soapbox

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Jade Cross

Preteens/teens dont exactly measure consequences (even adults fuck up with this), even moreso with the lack of initiative to at least teach them somewhat about sex, and hope they make the best decisions for themselves, plus the  shamming culture of having sex on one end and the virging shaming on the other, which kids will engageusually  in either. I think many of our personal experiences will confirm that, after all we have plenty of people of all ages still struggling with these things.

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

Just be happy you get to go to appointments where they have you fill out an application and getting to explain "I've never been sexual with anyone" and BE HAPPY for that, society is to wired and too hyped up on sex, I've now got my doctor beginning to wonder how in all my years never been sexual, never masturbated and saying I'll never do either, and or get into a physical romantic relationship. 

People in our society should be taught that not everyone desires physical contact with another being, and or never have. For some like myself it's actually far better for me to remain alone, never letting another human live with me, touch me or being in a relationship. I've never been stressed, depressed, repressed, "lonely" with never dating or getting into a romantic relationship. 

There are many who prefer never being sexual and it's perfectly normal, never be ashamed...... Do not pressure yourself into thinking you have to try sex in order to fit "mainstream" society.

Be happy for who you are, I'm extremely happy in never having sexual intercourse, and never wanting it.

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stampoc
2 hours ago, rivianmage said:

you can't expect me to not go out looking for sex. Coincidentally, he ended things a few days later.

 

Hey I'm so proud that you told this person you are asexual. No one should ever coerce you into sex when you don't want to. I wish I had the guts to stand up for my asexuality back in my past and end things quickly, no matter how long I'd known that person. I was asexual whilst an ex-friend was allo and he was really abusive to me. I wish I was more assertive and ended things sooner. Sometimes friendships need to be totally broken if they don't accept your asexuality.

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rivianmage

Thankyou for all your kind words! I’m happy with myself, but I’m panromantic/biromantic (I think?) and I do get lonely. I guess I just feel as though I’ll never find someone who is asexual but all romantic in ‘real life’ 

 

I just need a hug 😪

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GreyOwl79

I'm 40 and a virgin. I understand feeling "shame" over it, especially since there's a movie called 40 Year Old Virgin that basically makes fun of the subject. I typically don't tell people I am a virgin still, because they take it as a sign to bombard you with questions. And seeing as how I just discovered I'm not broken, those questions are always tough to answer. I, too, am pretty lonely. I'd like someone as a partner, someone I can just kiss and cuddle with and stuff. But it isn't easy when prospective partners are wanting sex. At age 40, it is even harder because most people are married at this point, and being in school again, most of the people I am around all day are also far too young for me. 

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Nemon

I can definitely relate to this post, been in relationships that have been more or less sexless (I mean, depending on the definition of what sex is). Not exactly ashamed myself, for me it's been more of a slight sorrow. Knowing that I can't meet the expectations of my (potential) partner, or simply the fact that it's unlikely worth to pursue dating someone or committing to a relationship since my asexuality is likely gonna be a dealbreaker at the end of the day. And just like you (and I'm guessing many others), it feels like I'll never meet someone that'll have more or less the same romantic but not sexual needs that I have..

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gisiebob

well, you also haven't formulatted a new alloy that revolutionizes engineered construction yet, and that's ok


I guess
no, actually we're kinda waiting on you. get cracking on that supermetal research please.

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Moderne Jazzhanden
On 2/14/2020 at 5:17 PM, rivianmage said:

I am still a virgin, which I feel ashamed about, for whatever reason. 

This is a problem, don't you think? It's brave of you to admit it. Especially as you admit you don't really know why you feel this way. Where I live - a hundred years ago - it would've been much more likely for someone who was unmarried at your age to say they were ashamed of not being a virgin. But attitudes have changed... 

 

It seems to me that you must - at some point - have internalised a certain attitude (and then repressed it) for you to feel the way you do. There is no need for you (or anyone else) to feel ashamed of not having had sex. Unless of course there is something that you internalised and then repressed and which is impelling you to feel the way you do. 

 

From what you say above about not ever having been attracted to anyone it seems to me that you are ace. But whether you are or not I think you should do something to try and get to the bottom of why you feel this way. 

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moondrop
On 2/15/2020 at 1:17 AM, rivianmage said:

I am still a virgin, which I feel ashamed about, for whatever reason

I feel you ❤️ I am a virgin, which I think I am fine with, but I feel such intense anxiety that I have never been in a romantic relationship, or even a cute lil pre-teen crush "relationship" and I'm almost 26. I know I'm ace or demi at the least, sex is not a driving force or desire for me, but I do experience romantic and sensual attraction slightly more frequently, I think? I have been attracted to mostly masc people (although they also tend to make me more uncomfortable and wary), the occasional femme, but I have either never been in the position to pursue anything or have run away from the potential maybe? It's confusing and weird and I feel queer, but I also feel like a fraud because I'm scared to try and make anything happen. Intellectually I know that I'm not a fraud and my feelings are valid and people don't fit into convenient boxes, but I can't stop the niggling concern that I am just trying to make myself feel romantic attraction because I'm scared of being ace and aro and am trying to convince myself I could fit some hetero life and love.

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Jade Cross
On 2/16/2020 at 11:57 AM, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

This is a problem, don't you think? It's brave of you to admit it. Especially as you admit you don't really know why you feel this way. Where I live - a hundred years ago - it would've been much more likely for someone who was unmarried at your age to say they were ashamed of not being a virgin. But attitudes have changed... 

 

It seems to me that you must - at some point - have internalised a certain attitude (and then repressed it) for you to feel the way you do. There is no need for you (or anyone else) to feel ashamed of not having had sex. Unless of course there is something that you internalised and then repressed and which is impelling you to feel the way you do. 

 

From what you say above about not ever having been attracted to anyone it seems to me that you are ace. But whether you are or not I think you should do something to try and get to the bottom of why you feel this way. 

No, they havent, unfortunately.

 

Nowadays, it is still heavily shamed upon that one remains a virgin for too long past the age of 14, despite the fact that most people at that age hardly have a clue as to the ramifications of sex.

 

It is still tied to having some sort of mental incapacity or being sick because people assume that  no healthy abled body would ever deny sex, much less intentionally avoid it.

 

We are still far from having achieved a stage, as a whole, where "Im a virgin" is not social suicide and call for massive shaming. Thats why we retreat to the virtual world and even here we are hesitant to share our stories. Fortunately we can find others who are/feel the same or wont be judgemental about it but that safety cannot be  so easily found outside the screen, and even then its rare.

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CBC
1 hour ago, Jade Cross said:

Nowadays, it is still heavily shamed upon that one remains a virgin for too long past the age of 14

I still think that's a bit inaccurate. 14? I'd add several years.

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Jade Cross
25 minutes ago, CBC said:

I still think that's a bit inaccurate. 14? I'd add several years.

But then how come 14 is the number that flares up? I used to hear 16 being more common but somehow that doesnt seem to pop up as often now.

 

Even if Im wrong and the numbers are different, the shaming attitude still persists whether youre a virgin at your teen years, 20's, by 30's you'll be given the "your biological clock is running out of time" crap added in , by your 40's you'll become the laughingstock and compared to the "The 40 y/o virgin" movie, by 50+, I dont even want to know what kind of crap people will come up with.

 

 

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CBC
Just now, Jade Cross said:

But then how come 14 is the number that flares up?

Where, here on AVEN? No idea. Are many kids having sexual thoughts and feelings then? Yeah. Are the majority of them not virgins? No.

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Jade Cross
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Where, here on AVEN? No idea. Are many kids having sexual thoughts and feelings then? Yeah. Are the majority of them not virgins? No.

Not on Aven, outside it.

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CBC

Then I don't know the answer to that either. I don't recall feeling like I was being shamed for being a virgin at 14. Most people I knew were also virgins.

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