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I can't tell if I'm aromantic or not?


10efletcher

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I got into a relationship with an asexual almost 2 years ago and quickly figured out I was demi-sexual which is awesome, it answered a lot of questions I had about myself.

But now I'm questioning where I sit on the romantic spectrum. I feel like I can't distinguish between a best friend and wifey material. Where I feel they are almost the same thing. 

When she was questioning about it, I've realised I only get aesthetic crushes on people where I just like looking at them and never emotional where I'd feel this 'warmth' and stuff you see on Love Island etc. I only get serious squishes of intrigue and never any thoughts of "you'd be a good romantic partner".

So what the hell am I? It's kinda making it hard to distinguish whether she should just be a friend or someone I should be looking to have a typical romantic future with, although, I really really really do want to have this and can see it happening with her.

Am I just overthinking it and should be happy with what I have?

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17 minutes ago, 10efletcher said:

stuff you see on Love Island etc.

If you take any of that seriously, you're already on a wrong path :D

 

In my experience, these things are rarely ever straightforward. Sometimes people are friends before developing feelings for one another, sometimes romance doesn't work out and they develop a closer platonic bond instead. Sometimes people start off as acquaintances but end up BFFs or whatever this is called. The most rrasonable approach is "wait and see" IMO, although thus probably won't satisfy any desire to put your feelings in one box or another...

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Hey idk what to tell you because I also don't know how to recognize if I can feel romantic attraction, or what exactly romantic attraction even is, but I will say that just because you might not feel the typical stuff associated with romance doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't include romantically coded elements into your relationship. Just because you might not have romantic feelings for someone doesn't mean they can only ever be "just a friend" to you. If you feel like she's more than just a friend and she wants to be more than just a friend then there you go. 

 

Just be honest with each other about what you want out of the relationship and what kind of feelings you have for each other, what you need, what you're comfortable with. If all of it is still compatible and you want to be together in some way that is "more than just typical friendship" does it really matter if it's typical romance or not either? Just do what makes both of you satisfied and happy. 

 

Some people are aromantic but have queerplatonic partnerships, some people prefer to just have friends but not a partner regardless of their romantic orientation, some people are romantic but just a lot looser about what romance means to them in comparison to the usual depictions. There are lots of posibilities and I totally get that it's a hard thing to figure out, but in general maybe just try to follow your feelings and attitudes about it.. Like for example, does the thought of being aromantic make sense to you personally? Like maybe you can appreciate romantic things but identify with the concept of not having romantic feelings attached to those things/actions/your partner? Or does the thought of being aromantic make you sad and feel like you'd be missing out on something in life? Not missing out on having a certain type of relationship, you can have whatever kind of relationship you want as long as you're with someone who's on the same page, but missing out on having that "warmth"/spark/passion that people often describe when talking about having romantic feelings? 

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