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Mairisue

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Hello, 

I’ve just found this site, and am bravely doing something I’ve never done before – typing “anonymously” on a site I barely understand, in the hope that I’ll maybe begin to understand myself more...

I’m in my late 50s, and have just left a marriage of nearly 40 years, during which time I never enjoyed the (often daily) sex, but felt utterly unable to say so.  I felt it must be my fault:  there was something wrong with me;  perhaps I wasn’t relaxed enough;  or maybe (wickedness personified!!) I’d married my husband when I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t really “love” him at all.  Whatever the reason, it was my shame, my guilt – and absolutely my secret.  I told no-one.  
Increasingly, having sex with my husband felt like having sex with a much-loved brother - and just as wrong and inappropriate.  I did it for as long as I could.  A couple of years ago I finally managed to negotiate separate rooms (following a breakdown during which I was hospitalised for 4 months - I claimed I needed “space” to recover when I got home) and last year I left the 38 year relationship. 
I am so delighted to be lying down at night by myself, with no thought of sex at all - but I am consumed by guilt at the hurt I have caused, and have had no understanding of why I didn’t and couldn’t enjoy or want sex like the rest of the world seems to.  
Tonight a tentative google search brought me to you – and perhaps, eventually, to some understanding of myself, my failings, my feelings (or lack of them) and (hopefully, hopefully...) to some measure of self-forgiveness for all the hurt and disappointment I have caused.

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@Mairisue, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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7 hours ago, Mairisue said:

Hello, 

I’ve just found this site, and am bravely doing something I’ve never done before – typing “anonymously” on a site I barely understand, in the hope that I’ll maybe begin to understand myself more...

I’m in my late 50s, and have just left a marriage of nearly 40 years, during which time I never enjoyed the (often daily) sex, but felt utterly unable to say so.  I felt it must be my fault:  there was something wrong with me;  perhaps I wasn’t relaxed enough;  or maybe (wickedness personified!!) I’d married my husband when I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t really “love” him at all.  Whatever the reason, it was my shame, my guilt – and absolutely my secret.  I told no-one.  
Increasingly, having sex with my husband felt like having sex with a much-loved brother - and just as wrong and inappropriate.  I did it for as long as I could.  A couple of years ago I finally managed to negotiate separate rooms (following a breakdown during which I was hospitalised for 4 months - I claimed I needed “space” to recover when I got home) and last year I left the 38 year relationship. 
I am so delighted to be lying down at night by myself, with no thought of sex at all - but I am consumed by guilt at the hurt I have caused, and have had no understanding of why I didn’t and couldn’t enjoy or want sex like the rest of the world seems to.  
Tonight a tentative google search brought me to you – and perhaps, eventually, to some understanding of myself, my failings, my feelings (or lack of them) and (hopefully, hopefully...) to some measure of self-forgiveness for all the hurt and disappointment I have caused.

Oh my gosh, the mere thought of "often daily sex" leaves me feeling nauseated!

 

You stuck with a marriage for 38 years, and it was without planning to cause any hurt, right? You didn't know there was an actual word for your orientation, you just felt guilty and like a failure. I was married for only 14-1/2 years, but can relate. During our marriage we just drifted apart as a couple and mainly just lived together as roommates. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him and explain what I now know about myself, but I will let that remain in the past. My ex has since remarried and seems happy, so I am grateful for that. 

 

I hope you can "forgive" yourself and find some peace in your new understanding. It's a process....

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Sorry, didn't mean to quote the entire post! I was going to go back and only keep the parts I was responding to, but forgot.

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Thank you so much, teatree.  I didn’t know what it would feel like when (if) anyone replied - but it feels wonderful to be understood.  Thank you ❤️

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I first "discovered" asexuality a few years ago, from a British news article that showed up in my Facebook feed. I casually read it and then... Oh. My. God. This is ME!!! I was about 57, learning about it for the first time. I was gobsmacked. But also excited to know there were others!!!

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2 minutes ago, teatree said:

I first "discovered" asexuality a few years ago, from a British news article that showed up in my Facebook feed. I casually read it and then... Oh. My. God. This is ME!!! I was about 57, learning about it for the first time. I was gobsmacked. But also excited to know there were others!!!

Yes, absolutely.  That’s the age I am now, and this new “awareness” has blown my mind!! 

If this is true, if this is me – then there is no longer any need for guilt.  I can feel myself walking a little taller.  I have hated my body my whole life, but this morning while I was swimming, the thought, “This body was never meant to have sex, and doesn’t ever need to again,” came to me, and suddenly there were possibilities for my body (yoga, dance, walking) that I could look forward to with a smile.  That has never happened before;  my body has always been “the enemy”.  
I am grateful for this site – for the opportunity to rethink my “reality”, and to reframe myself in a kinder and much more helpful way. ❤️

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Welcome, @Mairisue!

cfe685b5-8a6f-4cef-aecd-d318a1f3d8cb_1.J

(there are any number of "welcome" cakes, but I got a chuckle out of this Canada one)

 

I guess I was "lucky" enough to be a shy, awkward male who very rarely got up the courage to ask women out, so I never got as far as marriage. But it's not as if we had much (or any) info about asexuality back in the day, and even these days it's not as well-known as it should be. Of course, that's one of the main reasons AVEN is here. It is good when we can learn about the possibility of asexuality. It does answer a lot of questions and doubts for many people.

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On 2/14/2020 at 10:00 PM, daveb said:

Welcome, @Mairisue!

cfe685b5-8a6f-4cef-aecd-d318a1f3d8cb_1.J

(there are any number of "welcome" cakes, but I got a chuckle out of this Canada one)

 

I guess I was "lucky" enough to be a shy, awkward male who very rarely got up the courage to ask women out, so I never got as far as marriage. But it's not as if we had much (or any) info about asexuality back in the day, and even these days it's not as well-known as it should be. Of course, that's one of the main reasons AVEN is here. It is good when we can learn about the possibility of asexuality. It does answer a lot of questions and doubts for many people.

A lovely cake! Thank you 😊 

And yes, indeed – if only we had known ourselves then, as we know ourselves now.

But then, the wisdom of age is always hard-won, I guess...

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what the face
On 2/13/2020 at 10:44 PM, Mairisue said:

I am so delighted to be lying down at night by myself, with no thought of sex at all - but I am consumed by guilt at the hurt I have caused, and have had no understanding of why I didn’t and couldn’t enjoy or want sex like the rest of the world seems to.

To be delighted in any present moment is a gift, one you've given yourself.

 

Guilt of hurt caused, for caring people anyway will stay around like a unhealed wound until we find forgiveness. 

I hope you find understanding about yourself and your past.

 

Delight is so much better than consuming guilt.

Right?

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Phantasmal Fingers

I'm very pleased for you, @Mairisue! Welcome to AVEN! 🍰

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Hi Mariesue.  I can totally relate to your post.  I literally just found this group tentatively googling around.  It's just occurred to me this past week that I really don't enjoy sex.  I haven't had sex in 23 years, and I don't miss it all.  But then I decided, okay, something's wrong with me, so I'm going to force myself.  Assuming I was gay, I joined a gay hook-up site.  Met two guys, it was awful.  And I just thought, "Well, there's something seriously wrong with me."  And then I realized, wait, maybe I just don't like sex!  And it was like a veil lifted away from me.  I honestly didn't even know this was a real thing until I did some google searches.  But it makes a lot of sense.  I've been reading about aromanticism as well, and I think I'm aromantic.  I have so many wonderful people in my life; I just don't want to have sex with any of them.   I feel completely relieved.

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  • 2 weeks later...
CrazyCatLover

I feel very lucky to have discovered asexuality when I was nineteen. I remember thinking to myself, "well, I've never had a crush on anyone without actively deciding to" an searched asexuality. AVEN came up and was an immense relief. I didn't realize how asexual I was until I joined this site though. For example, I knew that I didn't crave sex and most people my age did. I figured it was just because I hadn't ever had it before though. Finding out that everyone else wanted sex before their first sexual experience was a major eye-opener and really reinforced my asexuality. 

 

Welcome to AVEN. 

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