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How do you become certain that you are ace?


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Hello :) To those aces, who didn't have an instant of sudden realisation that they were asexual as soon as they understood the meaning of the term, how did you eventually come to realise that you identify as asexual? How do you go from being unsure to knowing (or something close to knowing) that you're ace? I feel like I am still unsure or something is holding me back from being comfortable calling myself ace, but I don't know what would have to happen for me to be certain about my sexuality... 

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It was very gradual for me. I didn't want a relationship, so I didn't seek one out. After a few years, I kinda just gave up without knowing that asexuality was a thing. I just naturally fell into not seeking a relationship and it not mattering. The second I heard it explained, it clicked.

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Janus the Fox

Sudden realization with doubt that over time pretty much made the certainty stronger years in the making.  Sudden as at realization of having had nothing that explain any sexuality, doubts that something could develop with a relationship, stronger certainty the more the relationship is not developing an sense of sexuality either in a 3 year relationship.

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Disclaimer: I don't do "labels".

 

I guess the only thing that will make a difference is time. It'll either make you surer (more sure?) or care less about what your feelings are called.

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It started with anxiety about being gay for me. I saw the word asexual online, and I felt better. I didn't use asexual to describe myself until many years later though. I felt content knowing there was a word to potentially describe how I felt. After an unfortunate firing from my job, I went into a spiral of uncertainty which forced me into having to recognize and accept that part of myself, that being asexual was normal. It still took almost two years for me to be comfortable enough to be able to talk about it and come out to people. 

It sucks that I had to deal with so much anxiety in order to be able to accept myself; but I'm able to look back at those times to remind myself that I am good enough and worthy of anything I do and accomplish. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. 

Edited by Save4Ace
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Thanks for sharing @Save4Ace I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but it seems it left you stronger and self-loving ❤️ 

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Purple Wanderer

For me it came down to one question...  Have I ever actually wanted to hump someone? No.   Job done. 

 

I applied for my ace card that day

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For me, it was realising that it really doesn't matter.

 

Was I ace yesterday? Will I still be ace tomorrow? Probably. Possibly not. But for today, right now, I'm happy using the term.

 

It's a label, not a life sentence. Adopting it isn't irrevocable; if you later realise that it's not the most accurate term, or you reassess your situation following a better understanding of yourself, you can drop it.

 

My understanding of what it is to be "asexual" is personal to me. Although we can apply as many broad-scope definitions to it as we like, ultimately we will all present in a completely unique way. I adopt the term asexual because, for now, it largely covers my current understanding of myself. If that changes in the future, no worries!

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It was rather simple for me. I've never had sex because I've never wanted to. I didn't think much about it nor did I care what anybody else thought. I'd never heard the term asexual until I found AVEN. All it means is there are others like me. As I've said before, I'm not a label. 

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So not sure I fall into the "sudden realization" category or not because I spent time stewing over it. I made a comment to a friend that had her asking if I was gay or at least into women and it got me thinking that I didn't view men and women as different. I assumed it must mean I was bisexual because I could have sexual fantasies and sex theorietically wasn't off the table for me, though it never really interested me before (at least more than objective curiosity). Over time, I realized my equal feeling towards all genders wasn't any kind of interest that way, so it was me feeling nothing for everyone, rather than something for everyone. I didn't know that I fit asexual at the time and assumed it was something made up because it was a common joke for those in my fandom. ("I don't like real guys anymore. I'm only into fictional guys.") But I joined AVEN and tested the waters, feeling it fit more over time and eventually becoming certain that if it still feels true and accurate in describing me 7 years later, it's probably a good label for me to use until further notice. 

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@Verb, thank you for bringing that up. One of the more difficult things I had to come to terms with, and I hope others can learn to be more accepting of that aspect of any queer identity

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Vincent Marie

It was a very slow realization for me. It had always been there in that while I've always had a strong interest in finding a romantic partner to cuddle with,  I never found myself "needing" or pursuing sex or sexual partners. However it wasn't until I was in a sexual relationship that I realized that I found it to be too much of a hassle & not worth the fuss of things like preventing pregnancy or spread of STIs. Not to mention I just found it gross on principal what with the bodily fluids involved.

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Like Verb and Vincent Maria.

I have always been asexual I just didn’t know there was label or orientation for how I felt or didn’t feel. Can relate to Vincent Marie about wanting affection and cuddling. But having to stop there. And just keeping things platonic or non-physical/sexual.

I never really had an interest in sex like my friends in high school and college and did not understand why guys found girls “hot” or “sexy” still do not.

 

After I meeting with and talking with other asexuals. I know because I could relate and my story was very similar to others.

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I haven't felt sexual attraction after it's gone and still don't. Asexuality makes sense as it's not coming back.

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On 2/13/2020 at 8:28 PM, Vincent Marie said:

However it wasn't until I was in a sexual relationship that I realized that I found it to be too much of a hassle & not worth the fuss of things like preventing pregnancy or spread of STIs. Not to mention I just found it gross on principal what with the bodily fluids involved.

I agree. I just never understand why friends, guys and girls "needed" sex. Or what they got of it. Or how that showed or "loved" someone....Not to mention STD's and unexpected pregnancy's. It was not worth it to me. Can count on one hand the amount of times I have slept with someone. And it's that enjoyable to me either.

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I'm still somewhat in the middle of the process of figuring out where on the ace spectrum I am - whether I'm grey-ace (my current hypothesis) or actually more of a sex-neutral ace.  (I wonder whether choosing "grey-ace" as a label for me at the moment is more of a hedging tactic - not intending to imply that grey-ace wasn't a real thing, at all, just being "suspicious" of myself.) But just realizing that the way I felt wasn't a mental disorder or "just me being weird" and that there is a whole spectrum and community behind this word "asexuality" has helped me feel more relaxed and reassured already.

It dawned on me gradually, too. I came to have my doubts about my formerly assumed sexual identity while in the dragged-out death-throes of my last relationship. The aftermath thereof made me want to do research on the subject of sexuality for the first time, and I ended up here. But again only after a period of struggling with and worrying about accepting for myself that this is what I am - and that this is OK, not a personal fault. 

 

I think a lot of my struggle with allowing myself to identify as on the ace spectrum came (and comes) from social expectations (as in society, not so much as in direct social environment). Maybe it's something similar keeping you from wholeheartedly "labelling" yourself, too, @Stupsi?

 

Edited by Greypan.da
corrections for clarification of meaning
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@Stupsi Hi and welcome to AVEN!

 

To answer your question:For me it was super gradual.Ever since i was a kid,i knew something was wrong with me.All of the other kids around me started falling in love,while i was just in the corner-not knowing what the Hell was going on.Back then i thought i was just a late bloomer (i was only 7-8 back then after all),so i didn't pay much attention to it.

 

Some time passed,and i was around 12-13.My friends and classmates were falling in love and entering their first relationships.While i was just standing all alone,looking at the guys my friends found 'hot' and trying to see what they see in them.

 

Around the time i was maybe 13-14,i started suspecting that something was off about me.That i was different.I started thinking that i might be a lesbian.After all,i never found any guy attractive and i always thought women were more attractive then men so i must be a lesbian,right?

 

But whenever i seriously thought about whether or not i would have sex with a women or be with one in a relationship,the answer was always negative."So,i'm just a late bloomer who hadn't found her type yet,that's all.There's no need to worry."i thought.

 

But as time went on,the gape between me and everyone around me grew bigger and bigger.Around the time when i was maybe 14-15,i heard about the term 'asexuality'.I thought it was so cool and how i complitely identified with it.But i still didn't apply it to myself though.I wanted some more time to pass so that i could be 100% sure i was ace.

 

Fast forward a year or two,and now i'm 16.I've recently started self-identifying as an aroace (i'm still in the closet,nobody knows about my identity).

 

I know that i might be too young to know for sure,but i feel like this is the right label for me.If it does change in the future,that's great.But if it doesn't,that's also great.

 

I love the fact that i've finally found out who i am,and i'm far happier now.

 

I hope my story has helped you at least a bit.If you ever feel like you need somebody to talk to,i'm always here.

 

Until then,go and explore AVEN,find out more about yourself and make some amazing friends on here!😊💖

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When I was a freshman at college, I used to have a big crush on one of the upperclassmen. I was attracted to his looks, voice, behavior, brain (he was so smart). It was hard for me to focus on anything when he was around, I felt sad when I heard that he had a girlfriend, then I felt sad when I heard that he argued with his girlfriend (cause I didn't want him to be unhappy). When he didn't get his first study abroad choice, I prayed so hard for him that he gets the second one (I'm Christian). So here I was - all signs of "falling in love". And then came a moment when I thought "hey, at this point most people start thinking about sex, if they haven't already". And I realized that I DIDN'T. I didn't want to do anything sexual with him - it just felt weird and unnecessary. And I didn't pursue him in any way - even if he didn't have a girlfriend, I don't think that I would try to ask him out or whatever. So that was the moment when I realized that I am ace - after months of being strongly attracted to someone , I still did not have a need or desire to engage in a sexual activity.

Eventually, I moved on, developed another crushes, but I still remember him as the person who made me realize that I am an ace.

Edited by Octopus98
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It was a journey. I remember making myself like boys in elementary school, because thats what you were supposed to do, right? I remember two boys (one in 4th grade and the other in 6th grade) that I made myself like. After moving and going to a new school 7th grade and on I noticed that I was 'attracted' to both boys and girls (actually a lack of attraction but i didnt realize it then)
I'd say i was bisexual but that I didn't date because I wanted to focus on high school, which is what I actually believed. I never really even had a crush in high school - probably made myself like this one attractive guy who had been maybe three years older then me and liked anime lol. I had maybe one guy who had been interested in me but he was complete jerk so I never even considered him.

 And then high school was over and I was in undergrad at college. Now I had more guys who were interested in me, some who weren't even jerks and that I actually enjoyed time with! However I still told myself, no dating until after college because you're paying do be here and relationships can complicate things. There were  times when someone was really interested in me and I was an anxious and confused mess becasue a part of me didn't understand why I didn't just go along with it, even if I did have the 'no dating rule'. At the time dating to me always equaled sex and I just..did not want to have sex. At the time I just thought, hey i must have low self-esteem or something - maybe thats why I'm so opposed. 

Then I graduated and went to graduate school. This was the time where i started to explore more of who I was and I know what exactly caused it. I was with my group of friends and there were a couple of new people in our friend group. One was a guy who showed interest in me. My friends were telling me to go for it and I remember just being a complete mess when one of my friends had told this guy I was interested in him (which wasn't exactly the truth.)

It felt like I had a panic attack, I cried to my mom the morning after asking her why I couldn't be normal and just like a someone! 

After that I spent sometime online where I spotted the term asexual somewhere and just started researching it. I actually cried when I was reading into it becasue it fit me. Here's a term that described everything that I am. And ever since then I've identified as sexual, probably going on 4-5 years now. 

 

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I realised this year or so. I always knew I was not one for what most people did in relationships, then I found something on asexuality and it clicked. I find it harder to come out as ace then when I came out as gay a few years back though. 

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I'm still where you are @Stupsi! I think for me I don't particularly need a label right now, it's just useful to know it's a thing, and currently I'm not really having to make decisions about relationships anyway so I don't need to decide definitely (although I would quite like to know! I'm just trying not to obsess over whether it's the right label or not)

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@Ciki I relate to you at a younger age. At that time, I did not have the resources to realize that I was normal, not broken. In my 20s, I finally gave in to society's normative idea and got into a relationship to seem "Normal" and fit in. 

Long story short, I realized I am happy without a sexual relationship and miserable when i was in a sex demanding relationship. Living without sex is my natural state of being and sex is like an out of body experience. I have no great memories about it. I do not need it. I have never needed it. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
ArcaneArcade

So I'm still relatively new to calling myself asexual (after years of shoving it aside), and the biggest thing that made me realise I'm ace is how anything sexual does nothing for me. I had been with men and women, and while I loved my partners dearly and was very romantically attracted to them, I found that I was bored when it came to sex and felt absolutely nothing. In fact, I asked myself if I would be fine with never having sex again, and ultimately my answer was "yeah". Boom. Case closed.

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The only answer is behavior over time. The important thing is to not define yourself by some term, but to do what feels comfortable for you.

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87

I have a theory that one can be on the boundary of 2 orientations. 

Not set in stone.

You must figure it out yourself.

And never ever care what other think.

It's your life and you decide to live it.

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Low End Things
15 hours ago, Zagadka said:

The only answer is behavior over time. The important thing is to not define yourself by some term, but to do what feels comfortable for you.

This is it right here.

 

To answer the question in another way though: I started telling others I was ace when I was being intimate with a girl and got bored when we got closer and closer to actually having sex. The quote above is still key though; this was the third time it had happened in a row so I figured it probably meant something.

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AceMissBehaving

Time. Eventually patterns emerged, and other explanations as to why they happened slowly got debunked. After that I started to learn about how sexual people actually felt and discovered it was very different from the way I feel, so the conclusion was fairly obvious at that point 

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Thanks everyone for your replies ❤️ it really sounds like I should just give myself some time to figure everything out. And even as much as I would like some clarity, I know it is okay to not know or to be unsure

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