Limerence-Or-Longing Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Uhm help? I’m new to AVEN. but I need some advice I’m (20/NB) and just recently had a mutual breakup with my LDR partner of a year (21/NB) we are both Asexual so there was no problem on that front it’s just after the breakup and with Valentines Day coming up I began to question myself. Am I just unlovable? Or I do not have the capacity to love? I’ve definitely felt crushes and that hammering feeling in my chest but now I’m starting to doubt myself and it’s terrifying. I’ve labeled myself as Non-binary/Bi/Ace for years and having that slip is making me feel sick to my stomach. I was definitely confused by the concept of crushes as a kid. I didn’t know why everyone had to ‘date’ each other on the playground or why Prom was so important and what the heck was marriage all about besides tax benefits? if you really love each other why do you need to make a big ceremony about it? But I also love the concept of love? I’m a hopeless romantic I like the idea of soulmates, fairytales, romantic poetry! I love writing romantic fan fiction! I like playing dating simulations! I ship fictional characters! Sorry for all the rambling it’s just I’m so scared that I’m broken or there’s something wrong with me! And I’ve seen how the LGBT community treats Aro/Ace folks I’m scared and sick to my stomach... and I just want some kind of answer. EDIT: Over a year later I realize I am an aro ace non-binary lesbian and I am not broken. I am not interested in romantic relationships but I enjoy romance in fiction occasionally. I am happy with who I am and I am married to myself and my work. Thank you for all the words of encouragement I have become a stronger and better person over the past year in quarantine and I am at peace with myself. 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
Rynn Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 If you want my honest opinion, I think this is just the break-up affecting you. I don't think it's uncommon to feel unlovable or like you'll never find something like that again after such a thing. If you've experienced crushes, and you want to have a romantic relationship, then I don't see why you'd identify as aromantic. And even if you were aromantic, that doesn't mean you're broken, or that you'll be alone forever. The aro people I know have wonderful QPR's and tons of close friendships. That doesn't sound too bad to me. But yeah, I didn't get why everyone had to date when I was a kid either. I never went to a prom because I thought it was BS and I didn't like drinking anyways. I don't understand the big deal about marriage either, why would you need a piece of paper issued by the state to prove that you love someone? And the whole thing with planning a gigantic super expensive super formal party around it sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. My parents don't think much of marriage either, they're not married. They're for sure not aromantic, and neither am I. And screw the LGBT people who are shitty to aro/ace folks. Honestly, it'll take a while, but the more visibility we gain, the better things get, and the more people come around. (And also screw valentines day. Stupid marketing making everyone feel inadequate just to make a couple extra bucks.) Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 4 hours ago, Limerence-Or-Longing said: Am I just unlovable? Or I do not have the capacity to love?... I’ve definitely felt crushes and that hammering feeling in my chest... But I also love the concept of love? I’m a hopeless romantic... As an aro-ace who's known about this aspect of the self for longer than some folks here have been on the planet surface 😮 (I'm mid 50s) let me zero in on three things you've said, in the order in which I quote them above, and ask you one or two things... Do you see love as the companionship of a romantic partner who is thereby (supposedly) more than a friend because of both the physical and emotional intimacy you have with each other? Or do you see love as a perceived and shared knowledge that you are each close to the other by virtue of being on the same wavelength? In other words, do you want to feel close by cuddling - do you want to know through physicality and then reflect on this - or do you want to achieve intimacy by knowing you have a soul-mate on an ineffable non-physical level that can't be fully felt or expressed simply by putting your arm around someone? On crushes:- did you tell yourself they were crushes when they were really squishes? Did you act out a squish and 'pretend' it was a crush when what you really wanted was a platonic soul-mate rather than a cuddle buddy? What is it that you love about romantic love? Is it the perceived quality you know (on a non-rational level) and would like to express in a non-sexual way? Or is it the physical communication of non-sexual touch? Do you love with your heart-mind through your body? Or do you love with your heart-mind and wish to know the other (and have them know you) in a more or less non-physical way? What would you say to someone who asked you to describe how you see the difference between what you call 'the concept of love' and love? On a lighter note, I think the questions you ask show plenty of self-awareness so no, I don't think you're broken. 🙂 Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
Limerence-Or-Longing Posted February 14, 2020 Author Share Posted February 14, 2020 16 hours ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said: As an aro-ace who's known about this aspect of the self for longer than some folks here have been on the planet surface 😮 (I'm mid 50s) let me zero in on three things you've said, in the order in which I quote them above, and ask you one or two things... Do you see love as the companionship of a romantic partner who is thereby (supposedly) more than a friend because of both the physical and emotional intimacy you have with each other? Or do you see love as a perceived and shared knowledge that you are each close to the other by virtue of being on the same wavelength? In other words, do you want to feel close by cuddling - do you want to know through physicality and then reflect on this - or do you want to achieve intimacy by knowing you have a soul-mate on an ineffable non-physical level that can't be fully felt or expressed simply by putting your arm around someone? On crushes:- did you tell yourself they were crushes when they were really squishes? Did you act out a squish and 'pretend' it was a crush when what you really wanted was a platonic soul-mate rather than a cuddle buddy? What is it that you love about romantic love? Is it the perceived quality you know (on a non-rational level) and would like to express in a non-sexual way? Or is it the physical communication of non-sexual touch? Do you love with your heart-mind through your body? Or do you love with your heart-mind and wish to know the other (and have them know you) in a more or less non-physical way? What would you say to someone who asked you to describe how you see the difference between what you call 'the concept of love' and love? On a lighter note, I think the questions you ask show plenty of self-awareness so no, I don't think you're broken. 🙂 Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 > I crave emotional and physical AND physical intimacy but I don’t see I for lack of a better word “love” as just being physical. My idea a relationship or a romantic one at least is that you understand each other through communication and feel on the same wave length as them like mind wise. Like your weird mind feelers click or something and science happens? I want to feel close to someone, I definitely want that. It’s not just sex that makes a romantic relationship special and powerful. I think it’s a deeper understanding. Moving onto crushes I think at least 50% of the time I was tricking my brain into I had romantic interest in someone when really they weren’t on my wavelength and I was just afraid of standing out even more for not doing the ‘dating thing’ in reality the person was just aesthetically attractive or they just payed attention to me so I couldn’t differentiate those feelings? I’ve definitely had squishes before I think? Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 So you want a connection? Okay. Now, how exactly do you want to be connected? Do you need physical closeness of not? Link to post Share on other sites
AllTimeBubble Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 I just want to say no matter if you end up being aro or not, you are not broken! You are welcome here and you are whole. It is okay to feel the way you do. You Are Not Broken Link to post Share on other sites
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