Questions for older aces from a young ace

[Princess KittenSparkles]

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

6. Any advice?

I hope it's okay to ask these Q's. You don't necessarily have to answer all of them, just pick and choose!  

[argar]

Hmm,

 

1. I was just me for along time, with a healthy bit of confusion with certain aspect sin my life, but after discovering asexuality I am still just me with a lot less confusion. It would also be a no on the partner question.  The social convention of kids an marriage used to be a weight I carried every year i got older. Now, I am comfortable with the idea that I will not have kids, and if I find  partner great, but my life is pretty fulfilling without one.

 

2. My sexuality yes, and also the world around me to an certain extent. 

 

3. I didn't have anything to help me deal with the anxiety of being asexual. Keep in mind I have been ace before the term was coined. I will say finding out that it made sense with the way I run my life, it did help me with a lot of the anxiety I carried about the future.

 

4. Nope. There was too much of a chance things might turn sexual, and I was not comfortable with that, so I actively avoided dating. Plus, I have terrible taste in women, and was way too uncomfortable to ask anyone out. 

 

5. I think better is subjective term. In my case, I was just happy putting down the weigh that society had taught me was an expectation that I had to fulfill.

 

6. I think if you keep reading different threads, and make some friends, things will start making some kind of sense. In the end, you are the one that defines you. But just because you might have a definition, remember that sexuality is a fluid concept, and in some cases so is the definition. 

 

[Philip027]

Pretty well, mainly because I'd like to think I can choose my friends wisely.  I did end up getting married, to someone on this site in fact.

 

I wasn't ever "closeted" or particularly uncomfortable about it.  ("It's everyone else that's the weird ones!")

 

I don't really "date", not in the traditional sense, anyway.  In my book, dating is something you do to get to know someone that's relatively "new" to you and determine whether or not you could see them as long-term relationship material, and a date is something I would never, ever do with someone that was "new" to me; it could only be with someone that I already know and get along with well, at which point I struggle to call it a date.  But, that's just me and how I operate; most other people probably aren't as weird about it.

 

Most things get better, except wrinkles.  (Seriously though, it's not always so much that things get "better" but rather that your ability to deal with those things gets better.  That's pretty much how a lot of counseling/therapy processes work, for that matter.  They're not there to fix anything -- it's often issues that literally cannot be fixed -- but rather it's to help you develop healthier coping mechanisms so that the broken things aren't as debilitating.)

 

Advice?  Sexuality is merely one possible way we can connect with other people.  It doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all for you just because it might be to some others.  Find people that can accept and respect that (they're out there, even amongst sexuals) and you'll still be fine.

[Zagadka]

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

I'm lucky, my friends and family have stayed out of my business and haven't bothered me about my lack of relationships. I haven't even tried for a relationship in 20 years, and I'm happy with the friends I have been able to make over the years freely.

 

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

Yes, I'm happy with my lifestyle. The world around me doesn't bother me terribly much. I don't like how everything is sexual, but I am happy that so many people are finding happiness in their sexuality.

 

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

Finding out about asexuality was a relief, so clearing up that answered a lot of questions for me.

 

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

Nope.

 

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

As you get older, you gain a different perspective, answer questions more, get more set in ways. I made peace with a lot of the things that bothered me before, and some things aren't important anymore.

 

6. Any advice?

Take life at the moment. Live the best you can for the time you're in, and don't worry too much about being part of a bigger picture.

[CrazyCatLover]

I'm in my 30s and generally don't consider myself old. However, this forum steers towards teenagers, so I do feel old here. I also feel like I probably have enough life experience to answer your questions. You, obviously, will be the judge, however.

 

1. Overall, life has treated me okay. I was married to a man who had "permanently" lost his sex drive as the result of a medication. It turned out to not be permanent; when he got his sex drive back, he thought I owed him sexual satisfaction because I was his wife. I had been upfront from the start that I was asexual and sex-repulsed though. We divorced. 

 

2. I've always been comfortable with being asexual. I thought the rest of the world was like me until I was in my late teens (I was under the impression that no one crave sex until after they had first had it; since I hadn't had sex yet, I wasn't craving it) and learned that my peers were, in fact, horny all the time. Luckily I discovered AVEN at about the same time, so I had an outlet. 

 

3. My biggest anxiety about my sexuality was finding a life partner who was also ace. After my divorce, I went through a period of never wanting to be with anyone again and started planning a life for myself a single person. I'm now in a long-distance relationship with a fellow asexual. I think I benefited from being single and independent though. I'm going to establish my career before I focus on joining him though living near to each other is a 2-5 year goal for both of us. I think being older allows me to be okay with waiting a bit though. I finish my associates of nursing (ASN) in May but need a bachelors of nursing (BSN) to get a hospital job in CA, and I really want to work in a hospital. My plan is to get a hospital job in a state that hires ASNs, finish my BSN, and then start applying to CA. With my first husband, I moved to Austin, TX without a job because he was there. Looking back, I really limited myself. Gosh, this paragraph probably applies to relationships in general.

 

4. Um...see above. I didn't date anyone for six years after my divorce. I think I needed the time to heal and to find myself.

 

5. Honestly, life has its ups and downs. When I look back on the past fifteen years (ie. my adulthood), I see times when I was doing better than I am now. I also see times when I was doing much worse. For the most part though, I've been happy. 

 

6. My advice is not get too caught up on labels. Figure out who you are and what you want. Labels, if needed, will flow naturally from that. Don't try to force your parents to understand your sexual and romantic orientation either if they don't. I have spent so many hours trying to explain to my mom that I can be asexual but still desire a relationship, and she simply doesn't get it. The best thing I did was take a step back and just tell her when I was dating someone. As far as I know, Dad is still trying to get her to understand the concept of love without sex, but he hasn't been successful. I've learned to be happy with her non-understanding support and love. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Well people have started calling me "Sir" now so I guess that makes me old enough lol.

 

1) Life in general has sucked, with or without asexuality being part of it. People still expect you to have a partner and settle down, have kids, the whole nine yards which I have basically spat in their face because I have none and dont plan on getting none either.

 

2) Im still struggling, to a degree with it because I have nagging thoughts (and kind of things that could justify those thoughts) about if Im actually ace or some severely screwed up guy.

 

3) Pretty much answer #2

 

4) Never dated. Not even when I didnt know about asexuality. Dont really know how that would go/be.

 

5)In social terms? not really. Most people, in the general sense, havent even heard of asexuality much less k ow what it is.

 

6) Take your time. This is not something you figure out overnight

 

 

[Extra Virgin Mary]

29 minutes ago, CrazyCatLover said:

I was under the impression that no one crave sex until after they had first had it; since I hadn't had sex yet, I wasn't craving it

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thought that.

 

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

So far I've been pretty fortunate.  I stumbled into a poly relationship where they figured out I was ace before I did.  So I have a wonderful boyfriend and girlfriend, though I'm trying to become less of a mess on my end.

 

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

I'm still working on it.  I only recently figured out I was ace, though, so hopefully it will get better.

 

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

My friends and partners being so understanding and accepting.  My girlfriend and best friend are both demi, so I have a wonderful support network.

 

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

Yes, and it was awful.  I kept pushing myself further than I was comfortable, then panicked, shut down emotionally, and ghosted the person I was dating.  This happened several times.  My boyfriend was the first person I dated who I was able to tell that I hated making out and could we just cuddle and hold hands please.  I hadn't felt able to ask for that with previous partners.  I have an ex who still thinks I'm a lesbian, since that was the only explanation I could come up with why I wouldn't want to get physical with a guy who I otherwise thought was perfect.

 

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

It has for me so far.  I'm hoping that continues.

 

6. Any advice?

Be honest with yourself.

[Ms. Carolynne]

2 hours ago, Princess KittenSparkles said:

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

6. Any advice?

I hope it's okay to ask these Q's. You don't necessarily have to answer all of them, just pick and choose!  

Well, I'm not 100 % sure what I am, possibly gray, but I might be able to lend some perspective. Also, does 24 count as older? I know there are a lot of high schoolers and people early in college on here.

 

1. Not too bad, I guess. I got a lot of shit growing up because I didn't show interest in women, and a lot of people made assumptions about that. So I was gay as far as anyone was concerned, regardless of how I felt or did at the time. Kind of ironic, because I'm not really straight anyway, but it wasn't evident at the time.

 

2. Yes and no. Yes because I became comfortable with asexuality and stopped caring as much when I learned that asexuality was a thing and found this community. No because I might not be asexual at all, but really sex averse and uncomfortable with the idea of sexuality and relationships as I am now. For context I am transgender, which personally has made my sexuality a toss up.

 

3. Learning various terms and models (like split attraction), and finding online communities. AVEN has changed my life, and really changed my perspective on sexuality. Maybe I'm just complicated, but the old gay, straight, bi and that's it is far too simplistic and I feel I don't fit into that model well.

 

4. No, I wasn't really interested or confident in myself in the past. Now I'm going through stuff, and haven't sorted everything else out (so maybe still not entirely confident) so I'm not looking atm. I'd have to at least be out as trans and be open about the fact that I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality if I were to date somebody, which I don't feel would go well. Besides, I don't find a lot of people attractive and haven't had many crushes, as it stands I have a hard time making those kinds of connections.

 

5. I would say it does. People lighten up on the expectations and assumptions when you get older, at least if you're around mature people. The only issue I have now is with ignorance, and people thinking it's some sort of novelty, but that's not restricted to asexuality.

 

6. Not really, other than don't force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with, and don't pretend to be something you're not.

[Homer]

Romance has no place in my life, so everything associated with that is a non-issue. Sex is just one of countless things I'm not interested in and it doesn't bother me, just like the Oscars or Harry Potter don't bother me.

[AceMissBehaving]

3 hours ago, Princess KittenSparkles said:

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

I did. I got married rather young, and before asexuality was widely known, so figured out I was ace after, but after 17+ years together we’re still going strong 

 

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2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

Yes! I’m happy and open about my sexuality, and while somethings still get to me on occasion, I am much more comfortable in my skin, and in the world these days 

 

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3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

Being open, and being supported and seen by my partner, friends, and local community. Coming out and no longer worrying about “passing” lifted the anxieties I had about being asexual off my shoulders.

 

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4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

Not really. I do have people who have been interested in me and knew I was ace though.

 

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5. Does it get better? Why/why not

Yes. Eventually I grew to care a lot less about what other people thought, and found that I could say how I really felt and even if my experiences were different, people were still interested in what I had to say. I also learned that folks aren’t as homogeneous as you think from the surface.

 

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6. Any advice?

Honestly hang in there, and if it’s safe, and you’re in a position to do so be as honest as you can be with the people you care about. Also remember that just because someone tries to start some kind of debate around the validity of you sexuality, or asexuality in general doesn’t mean you have to hear them out or get into it with them. Same thing for invasive questions etc. it’s always ok to say “I’m not open to talking about that”

 

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[In_Omnia_Paratus]

I might not count as an older ace (27) but I've been identifying for over 10 years now so maybe my experiences may be illuminating?

 

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

As an asexual... I suppose I've been treated fairly well. I've found acceptance and have engaged in short relationships with people who accepted my asexuality and I suppose other than one, the relationships themselves dissolved for reasons other than my aceness. 

 

 

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

I can say confidently that I'm very comfortable with my asexuality. I do have especially "A Days" where I'm bogged down by the sexual nature of society, but it doesn't result in questioning of myself. Just a smidgen of loneliness.

 

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

I don't know that I've ever felt terribly insecure about my asexuality. .. maybe in reconsiling my sensual emotional needs, but that's about it. I am very anxious that asexuality is a limiter/probability reducer in relation to finding a compatible partner, but I have other emotional anxieties that take the front seat (trust issues--errewhere)

 

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

I have. I am as upfront as I can be (first date disclosure type of thing). I've slowly come to realize I'm probably demi-romantic which makes the whole "dating in app format" thing less fruitful for me. But I've had "casual" dates with kind people and have had relationships with other people who were not asexual that respected my boundaries. 

 

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

I think life is a mixed bag and that there is always better and worse in each day. It's a cop out answer but if I have to give a black and white one I will say I'm currently at a particularly lonely/difficult phase in my life, but I have also loved spectacularly and I don't believe my asexuality to be a hindrance to that in and of itself.

 

6. Any advice?

Try to really dig and develop your understanding of how you feel about what makes up your desires and needs. What IS romance to you? What IS friendship?  What are the things you crave? What are the things you can do without? What are the things you can't stand? Sometimes what looks like something to society isn't the same as how you feel inside. Whether you're romantic or aro I think it applies. Knowing your needs and boundaries... I think it provides a lot of self comfort and insulation against disappointment. Learning to communicate yourself as best you can is valuable for anybody.

 

That and is guess just. .. keep on keepin' on, bud. I believe in you and your potential for happiness.

[weird elf]

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

Life's been a bitch, but that's what life does, or so I'm told. I have four failed relationships under my belt, three of which broke on the ace "issue". No matter what I tried - honesty as soon as I knew what was going on, open relationships, compromise - each time I was either seen as a stopgap until something "real" came along, or as somewhat defective.

 

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

Yes and no. For myself, I'm comfortable with who I am as a whole. (I consider myself to be pretty awesome, to be honest.) What I'm still not cool with is the subject of partnership - I do want a partnership, but I claim the right to be treated as a whole human being. Unless that is a given, I'm out.

 

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

The fact I fell in "love" with another girl at age 7 and was super confused and super open about it and my parents were extremely (and I mean, extremely) cool with it. I always knew I had their full support, no matter what. So when I realized bi wasn't all i am it didn't really matter? I mean, I've never been anxious about my sexuality (or lack thereof). Coming out to a new group of people may not be my favourite experience, but I am very picky about whom I call a friend, thus whoever makes it to friend status is certified cool, and the reactions of people who are not my friends aren't worth giving a f*ck, so ... yeah.

 

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

Sorry, can't help with that one.

 

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

Depends on where it starts. Some things get easier as you grow older / more mentally mature (not necessarily proportional to age, as I keep noticing) - as in, you'll give less f*cks as a rule, so things get easier as a rule.

Plus, you may have more control about what environment you want to be in. School is kind of a no-escape deal. Work is loads more flexible. You have some choice in fields, you may have some choice in jobs. (I know from experience it's not necessarily easy, but there is more freedom than there was in school.) So that's a plus.

 

6. Any advice?

You do you. Be open, be upfront, you have as much right to be understood as everyone else, even if it's harder for allos to understand your point of view. You are whole, you are probably awesome, you have lots to offer. Whoever dares define you by something they perceive as deficit does not deserve your time.

[Larkaloke]

I don't really feel that I'm in the 'older' category yet, but 30 is apparently older than most people on this forum...

 

 How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners? It's treated me well. I have no desire to find a partner (I'm also aromantic), so I've never made any attempt, and have no idea whether it would go well if I did. I'm close to my family - parents, brother, and grandfather - and have several close friends and three cats. That's all I want. I am also not a particularly social person.

 

Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you? Easily. I was never really not comfortable with it, only confused as to why people were acting like it was unusual. I then figured out that it is, in fact, unusual.

 

What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality? I've never had any. I suppose it's mostly because I've never cared what people think of me.

 

Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now? Nope. I went on exactly one date when I was eighteen, realized it wasn't anything I wanted anything to do with, and that was that.

 

Does it get better? Probably? It was never bad for me, but I was homeschooled until college, and the people I hung around with growing up were all other theatre kids - and there's some truth to the stereotype that LGBT+ kids tend to gravitate towards theatre (which, I expect, is because the envrinoment tends to be more welcoming than other group activities available to kids). I only ever had one or two instances of people teasing me about not having kissed anyone or whatever foolishness, and that was in college, and easy to shrug off. I'm also lucky in that my family are all cool, supportive people, so I've never really felt lonely.

 

Any advice? Don't let what other people think get to you. It's not important. If someone's going to have an issue with you because of who you are, they're probably not worth your time.

[PaulaM]

On 2/13/2020 at 4:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

6. Any advice?

1. It's been difficult, I have a boyfriend at the moment and he has a high sex drive. I love him to bits, but his desire for sex and my inability to have it (medical as well as desire) is almost certainly going to be the end of the relationship.

2. Hmmmm, kinda. Most of the time I'm fine with it, sometimes I feel guilty and a bit like "I'm in the wrong".

3. actually finding people, and talking to them, who were like me.

 

4. Yes, been married twice. Tried dating, TBH, it's hard and if my BF and I split up, I probably won't bother trying again as it's just too frustrating.

 

5. Accepting yourself is what makes the biggest difference, I accept myself now.

 

6. Listen to heart, but take council from your head. Also, don't change who you are for anyone other than yourself.

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 2/13/2020 at 5:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

Nope. But it's not easy to say why - I definitely have low social skills and it intersects with my asexuality in a way which makes it difficult to say which factor or just a small aspect thereof causes which one. There seems to be something about me which pushes people away, even though I'm only anti-interested in sexual contact ("anti-interested" means "more than just not interested" - I'm sex-averse and I don't just lack an interest in having sex, I actively want to never have sex), but still interested in non-sexual interpersonal intimacy.

On 2/13/2020 at 5:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

Definitely "yes" and I would say that the single most important factor was my non-conformism. Already as a child I didn't feel a need to "fit in", on the contrary, I didn't want to "be like everyone else" - which is why, when I decided at the age of five that I don't want to have children, I was already open about it.

Of course, it was still very simple. Later I started thinking of myself as a philosopher (I don't even consider it arrogant, anyone can be a philosopher) and I realised that there's no such thing as "being like everyone else", everyone is unique, nobody will ever experience the same combination of thoughfeeling as anyone else. It's just the society which tries to present some routes as the only possible ones.

And I, gradually, became able to think about sexuality in a critical way. I may, personally, not even be strictly asexual, rather effectively asexual due to (non-traumatic) sex aversion and nudity aversion. But there's still nothing wrong about it because I don't believe in a hierarchy of sexualities, I don't consider, for example, sexualities without personally engaging in sexual contact to be inferior.  So I'm very comfortable with experiencing exactly this kind of sexuality and, since I respect my sex aversion and don't want to torture myself with attempts at overcoming it (also because I just see nothing to gain, an ability to have sex is something I don't want anyway), I reject attempts at presenting sex aversion as pathological.

On 2/13/2020 at 5:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

4. Have you dated around?

A little, very, very little, and I was never successful. See point 1.

On 2/13/2020 at 5:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

In some respects it gets better, in some it gets worse. Maybe the pessimistic part first: I realise that the older I get, the harder it becomes to enter a relationship. A 25-year-old person with no relationship experience might be considered just "unlucky", a 38-year-old person with no relationship experience is likely to be perceived as the weirdest weirdo around and people may only wonder what deficiences have prevented me from ever having a partner... Which means that I'd need extra amounts of pre-existing interpersonal intimacy to convince a potential partner that I'm no sociopath. But... I even actually prefer it this way. I don't fall in love easily, I need a potential relationship to develop from a friendship. And I even prefer a platonic relationship, a very deep, intimate friendship... I believe it, in a way, does slightly expand my possibilities. In a romantic relationship sex might be expected and this is something I just can't provide. And... the idea of an outright romantic relationship could feel somewhat scary to women who never thought of themselves as lesbians, a deep friendship might be preferable - in a perfect combination it could allow steering around both my sex aversion and a potential partner's not-exactly-homoromanticism. You could say that "settling" for a platonic relationship "only" makes it easier to, potentially, target women who don't desire sex as a part of their contact with other women.

But in some respects it definitely gets better - I mean, first of all, the aspect of others not accepting you as you are. If you are unlucky to have a family which expects you to follow the "only valid path" (different-sex marriage, children, implicitly sex), at some point the pressure will relax. Even if they think of you as a hopeless case, at some point they should realise that you just won't live as they have imagined, it's just not going to happen.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

On ‎2‎/‎13‎/‎2020 at 4:32 AM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

5. Does it get better? Why/why not

6. Any advice?

I hope it's okay to ask these Q's. You don't necessarily have to answer all of them, just pick and choose!  

1. What do you mean by life? I like the fact I'm aro-ace, despite wondering - when I was a teenager - whether there was something wrong with me, or whether I wanted a romantic relationship. I never really fell for those two notions. Though I did once have what would now be called a squish on someone when I was 18/19. It was awful - I (loved)hated every minute of it and was very glad when it was over. Luckily it didn't last long. With hindsight it would've been enormously helpful if the distinction between crush and squish had been generally recognised back then. Mind you, I always knew that I didn't want to act on it. That was also the period (it would've been '83/'84) when I first told someone I was asexual. I got a flat denial as a response but was bloody minded and self-aware enough to know better.

 

Until very recently society at large has been unaware of asexuality - as we know - so it has generally treated me as if I were heterosexual. It's interesting, the assumptions people make...

 

2. I've always been comfortable with being asexual. Except that when I was teens/early 20's I sometimes felt uncomfortable about the fact that I was not uncomfortable, if that makes any sense to you.

 

3. Me! There was no ace visibility or community back then. A couple of elderly relatives were, I am sure, ace. (They're long dead now.) We never spoke about it but we "clicked" about it on an unspoken level.

 

4. No. Although I think I did unwittingly once go out for the evening with a girl who I suspect thought we were on a date, though I didn't realise it at the time. Ironically we went to see a film called, "Dance with a Stranger". I've posted about it somewhere on AVEN - can't remember where now - and reminisced about it at more than one AVEN meetup.

 

5. Yes, it does. The more in touch you are with yourself, the more at ease you are with the world around you, and the people in it. Though I feel very blessed to be aro-ace it's not that big a part of my identity, so to speak. Other aspects are far more important to me.

 

6. Yes. I'm saying this both as someone who went through school and university and then worked as a teacher in a number of different countries - much of what passes for education involves adopting other peoples' theories and ideas whilst discounting your own experience. In other words, many people seem to be bamboozled into pretending to know what they don't know and not to know what they do know! But being ace gives you at least one enormous advantage - at least it gave me one when I was younger - which is to say, it gives you an immediate insight into the various pretences that society invites you to buy into. You needn't bother buying into any of them. (It took me a while to realise this.) It's much more interesting to ponder all of this - and the implications are fascinating - whilst still being yourself. 🙂 It's unfortunately all too easy to end up pretending - and thereby becoming - a kind of fake version of who you really are. I get the impression that some people spend a long - and deeply troubled - time, before finally finding a way out of this.

[Dingledoodie]

1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?  I've have various short lived flings and two long-term relationships all with sexual women.  Both of the long-termers left me due to the 'sex issue'.  They said they eventually felt unloved and unwanted, despite the fact that I loved them immensely.  I found it hard to form relationships after that as it all just hurt too much.

2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?  I'm comfortable with my asexuality but uncomfortable with the loneliness.  I miss hugs, companionship... love.

3. What do you think has helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?  Time and info on the internet.  I was struggling with who I was long before the internet so... knowing what was 'wrong' and finding info was nigh on impossible.

4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?  I haven't dated since 2014.  It's hard to find homoromantic asexuals and now that I'm honest with sexual people... it goes nowhere... so... 

5. Does it get better? Why/why not?  I haven't found that my 'love life' has gotten any better but I'm not involved in any asexual groups or communities, so... I feel like 'the only one in the village', so-to-speak.  It's lonely.

6. Any advice?  Get out and meet more asexuals now, while you're young.

[Professor Tarknassus]

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1. How has life treated you as an asexual thus far? Did you ever find a partner/partners?

Not brilliantly for the most part.  I watched all my friends at the time partner off, have kids, all that kind of stuff.  It sucked that I was somehow 'broken' or that I was repressing something.  I just wasn't interested in relationships in the way that they were.  I didn't have any asexual frame of reference to look at and think "You know, I am actually okay."  Society, friends, relatives would all try to make me fit into the 'norm'.  Observations were made about my lack of interest in relationships.  It wasn't all bad.  One of my Aunts observed I was never that fussed on finding a partner, and said it was perfectly fine to be like that.  "You're not in any hurry anyway.  It's up to you if you want to when you're ready." she would say.

 

Mostly, the damage was internal.  Because I believed the expectations of other people and things around me (especially in books, tv, film and other media) - I was wrong.  I had to fix this.  To use the analogy - forcing a square peg into a round hole will hurt.  

 

I eventually found a partner - well, they found me actually.  I'd never have bothered otherwise.  To me it was a friendship, no more.  We did however eventually marry, but that's a story for another post.  It would take a lot to explain everything that's gone on since.  Suffice to say, I've only ever been in two partnerships, the first was when I was 17 and lasted less than two months, this one was 15 years later and has lasted 10 years so far.

 

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2. Did you eventually become comfortable with your asexuality and the world around you?

Kind of.  As I've gotten older I've cared less what people think.  That and not being overly social anyway (massively introverted) means I don't ever have those kinds of discussions with people, and tbh I'm fine with the way I am.  Not perfect, but happy enough.

 

I'm not "out" with it.  Although my wife kind of gets that I'm not a sexual person with her, nor am I a super touchy-feely person, I've not explicitly said "I'm asexual" - yet.  Currently mulling that over.

 

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3. What do you think as helped you overcome anxieties or insecurities (if any) about your sexuality?

Age.  Wisdom.  Not really caring what others think.

 

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4. Have you dated around? If so, how was your experience and how is it different now?

See #1.  So not really.  I tried to do it in my twenties, but I guess everyone has an asexual radar thingy which is probably why I didn't have any success.  Plus I'm not a confident, outgoing person.  It takes me months to get to talk to people 'normally'.  I had a few people approach me, but I was so oblivious to the whole dating/attraction thing I just thought people were being friendly, rather than actually wanting to do more... Much to the amusement of my mates who were often left bewildered that I'd not taken up the offers I was getting (despite not knowing that they were offers).

 

If I wasn't married now, it would probably be exactly the same.  I'd just not be looking because I am much happier with my asexuality.

 

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5. Does it get better? Why/why not

Partly, it gets better.  I'm older, wiser and more accepting of what I'm really like.  It was never a phase for me, I can see the points in my life that told me I was asexual even if I wasn't aware of the term for it.  My parents were never pushy (apart from the armed forces and stock trading lol) so although they expected me to grow up, marry, have kids, it wasn't pushed on me and when I did marry, we couldn't have kids anyway - they still accepted and love my wife regardless. 

 

Time is a healer, as the saying goes.  It certainly helped me in coming to terms with my own orientation as an asexual.

 

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6. Any advice?

Because I didn't have a term for what I am, I couldn't 'come out' back then - and that has left a scar in that I spent a lot of my life trying to "fix" it.  People today have an advantage that they can look up these things, the journey of self-discovery is so much easier today.  Finding like-minded groups is so much easier, I just wish I wasn't so socially anxious that I could stay on those groups for more than a few days.  I find forums much easier as it's less instant, more focused and allows me time to gather thoughts, write, etc.  But I appreciate that for some, chat groups etc are better.

 

Be true to yourself.  

 

And finally: don't rush - I've spent 25 years or so as an asexual who didn't know the term for more than half of it.  It wasn't a "phase", or that there wasn't something "wrong" with me.  It took a long time to learn that and come to terms with it.  Even when I did know the term, could relate to it, I still had a lot of uncertainty about it.  It's only recently I've come to accept it and see myself as normal because my orientation is mine.