Did your attitude about possibly having sex change over time?

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have seen several topics brushing on the issue, some real-life examples and claims that if an asexual's attitude about possibly having sex changes, it usually goes in the direction of from more to less willing. So, I decided to ask others.

I decided to omit questions about having or not having actually tried it in order to avoid triggering people and to make the answers more inclusive of both people who have faced the issue of possibly trying sex in real life and people for whom the issue remains theoretic. But feel free to describe your own experience if you want to.

 

Below are some definitions for clarification about the way I understand them.

sex-favourable - being willing to have sex even if not actively desiring it.

sex-indifferent - being "meh" about sex, not interested in it, but not disgusted or scared either.

sex-averse - having negative feelings about sex, but limited to the possibility of personally having sex, without a generalised repulsion.

sex-repulsed - having generalised negative feelings about sex, experiencing both an adverse reaction to the idea of personally having sex and a generalised discomfort when thinking about sex not including oneself.

[Iam9man]

I lean towards sex-favourable but have definitely become less willing to have sex, even more so since working out I’m asexual, but before as well.

[NickyTannock]

My attitude hasn't changed, but I think I'm between sex-indifferent and sex-averse because I'm not sure if I'd be okay with having sex.

[Lord Jade Cross]

My attitude has changed from "maybe I will" to "no way in hell" after my last and only attempt.

 

But lets say I find myself in a more ideal scenario and I have someone: an extremely patient partner (unlikely since I dont see myself in a relationship), fuck buddy, escort (maybe more plausible with the last choice), etc  who would not mind initiating a thousand times and possibly having to stop anywhere in it because Im highly likely to go into an anxiety/panic attack/ break down with the lingering negative roots sex was based in, in my life, extreme OCD like fear of STDs, the issue with me feeling pain down there ( of medical or otherwise origin) and the general shaming concept that I still live with and dread anyone ever finding out.

 

Even if all that and more is somehow miraculously overcomed, I fear I will never change. Whatsmore I would likely feel extremely guilty because the thought that would enter my mind is "I have such an increadible and understanding partner that has gone through hell and back for me and I cant even work it out enough to desire sex with them"

 

No matter how I go about it, the "Youre broken" idea will somehow always creep up.

 

 

 

[Guest]

I'm not sure if I'm indifferent, averse or even repulsed. It is really inconsistent but I can only exclude the possibility of being sex-favourable for sure. Since I found out about asexuality I'm slightly less willing to have sex and I got more sure about that.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Repulsed, never changed.

[Memento1]

I went from very repulsed to more neutral (favorable in the right situation) over time, but I think this only happened because I never forced myself to do anything I wasn't comfortable with sexually.  I didn't have sex I didn't want and didn't push myself to have sex I didn't want.  That's the best way to become even more averse to sex.  I went through stages of shame (I'm so broken for not wanting sex) and resistance (I wont have sex and you can't make me!) to a kind of neutrality.

[Brygid]

Used to be repulsed in my early teens, but now feel mentally indifferent. However, when the sexual contact becomes a real physical possibility, and not just thinking about it, I become averse. I enjoy the thought of sensual touch, but even that is unenjoyable to me when practiced. 

 

As far as the possibility, I went from never even considering it, to putting myself in harms way to figure out if I was "truly asexual." Then I became neutral leaning towards open minded, yet too physically averse to actually act on it. If I can't stand touch, I definitely don't want to go further than that.

 

Basically, the intimacy behind the idea of sex feels nice to fantasize in thought because you're physically close, like a hug, but I feel nothing downstairs or towards anyone in particular.

[Morgenrot]

I'm always sex repulsed, except for when I'm on my period. Then I'm sex-averse. Otherwise, nothing really changes 🤷‍♂️

[Catserole]

I've always considered myself more indifferent than anything, I'm not offended by sexual content but not really interested in it either. I did think that I could be open-minded if a future relationship meant having sex. Over time though I feel I want to compromise less and less, to the point that I don't think I'd consider it now.

[weird elf]

I'm somewhat in-between averse and repulsed (went for the latter because that's the direction it's been moving towards). I started out as indifferent and between one thing and another (read: progressively malfunctioning body and increased pressure from so-called "partners") I went from "meh" to "not for me, thanks" to "hell nope, get outta here" in the past 15ish years.

 

TMI warning

Spoiler

Edit: I'm also in the weird situation that I'm much more romantically attracted to females, yet marginally less repulsed by male genitalia. I don't like the idea of touching any kind of genitals, but penises seem the tiniest bit less icky than vaginas.

 

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

CW: Genitals.

 

I read this both about sex and sex change so yes and yes. 1) I became sexually active post 18 before realising that is a TERRIBLE idea post 22, trying to close that pandora's box is a struggle. 2) I've realised this and lemme say this the first time, I fucking hate vaginas(on me! Not on you don't worry you do you)!

[Janus the Fox]

Though I was favourable until actually having it, I'm between indifferent and adverse.  It's really not my thing and less willing, once I'd thought I'd be more willing over time in a relationship.

[SithLord]

My attitude has changed just because of my mental gymnastics around it all. In a way, I was never sex-repulsed. When I actually tried to go down that path, I would lock up and have a fear reaction, something I slowly worked my way out of with my partner's help. But if I wasn't actively attempting anything, I could imagine myself having sex just fine. So I would say I'm somewhere between averse and indifferent, just because I'd rather not if given the choice since I don't get anything out of it and it's uncomfortable and slightly painful. But since I've gotten over my fear response, I'd say my attitude has improved. 

[Philip027]

Short answer: Yes, but in an indirect sort of way

 

Long answer:

I don't think I was ever really completely closed off to the idea of having sex, more so it was two other things:

 

1) I wondered if "traditional"/PiV sex would even be possible for someone like me because I never experienced arousal, which is kind of necessary on the male end of things

2) I was completely closed off to the idea of such kind of sex anyway, because I was completely closed off to the idea of having kids and I would not tolerate even the slightest possibility of that happening.  That along with being ace anyway meant #1 wasn't really anything to be worried about.

 

Now I know #1 isn't necessarily true (I've still not actually done it, but I've had enough experience with other things by now that... well, let's just say I don't wonder anymore if it would be possible), and while at the current moment in time I'm still definitely not ready yet for kids, I'm not as adamant about never having kids as I used to be.

[R_1]

Should have voted for something else as I forgot what it like to be sexual(that was almost 10 yrs ago). That being said, I went from positive to neutral-negative, and my interest went from sure to no.

[Gloomy]

I’m currently somewhere between indifferent and favorable, but I’ve been all four at various points of my life.

[Alejandrogynous]

I used to be much more open to having sex but now I'm pretty solidly sex adverse. I guess I followed the path most people mean when they talk about asexuals becoming less willing over time, as in the older I get the less energy I have to feign interest in things I don't enjoy and and the less willingness I have to do anything I don't actively want to do. I have a better sense now of who I am and what I want in life so I'm less inclined to make compromises for people whose interests don't fit with mine.

 

I'm still open to the possibility of being open, if that makes sense, in that I'm open to the idea of compromising if I ever find someone worth compromising for. Thus far, it hasn't happened.

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

I've never been sexual on any level with anyone and never will. I've never had a physical relationship, and never want or "need" one. I do not even masturbate, never have and have no desire to even try it, the very thought of being sexual alone is beyond sickening and there for I avoid everything with it and romance, so I stay away from people or get away from people who try hitting on me, I've given one person a dark morbid warning once if they did not stop (Not here) if they didn't stop demanding me to go to their place and "chill".

I have no desire, never desired or experienced a physical relationship and never will. I'm extremely happy alone, single and never will let anyone touch me, live with me or date me. This has never changed from 2003, so it's very likely I'll never change.

[WanderingKate]

Interesting question

I used to be sex indifferent myself, but now would define myself as somewhere between indifferent and averse, so I suppose my attitude towards having sex has changed a bit. 

My level of comfort with the act itself hasn't changed (I've never been sex repulsed and still am not sex repulsed). But over the years I've discovered while I haven't become more adverse to the act itself, I have become more adverse to faking desire, to trying to keep a sexual partner interested, to having sex just to please someone, to pretending not to be annoyed by people shoving their sexual exploits in my face, and to pushing aside my own feelings for someone else's sexual satisfaction. I also get an icky feeling about the idea of me just letting someone do what they want to me, because as an aro spectrum ace I would get absolutely nothing out of it. So yes, I would say I'm somewhat adverse to sex now- but more so adverse to the dishonesty and betrayal of my own wants and needs then the actual act itself. 

[Skycaptain]

So far as actually participating goes, repulsed and more repulsed with time 

 

So far as others doing stuff, then indifferent 

 

So far as sexual humour, then I'm usually one of the first with the jokes 

[HonoraryJedi]

I have thought about this recently, because I do think about sex somewhat differently now than I did years ago. But when I start thinking about whether or not I am more favourable now, the conclusion is no. The thought of me having actual sex is still just as uncomfortable, and I am still averse.

[Paca ermito]

Based upon the definitions given, I would say that I went from sex-favourable in my teens and early twenties to sex-indifferent in my mid to late twenties, to sex-averse since around the age of thirty (and I'm now in my early fifties).  I'm homoromantic, and since I had never heard of asexual when I was young I just figured that I was gay.  I did have several romantic relationships early on, with some limited sexual contact (though without arousal on my part).  I was not bothered by it, and did not mind making my partner happy, but quickly found that most of them were not happy about the fact that I remained unaroused.  For a while, I still held the belief that I wanted to try to find a romantic relationship that would work, but I consciously realized that I really wasn't interested in sex, and that is what I'm calling my sex-indifferent phase.  Finally I decided that it was all more trouble than it was worth and started actively avoiding any potential sexual situation (which is where I've happily been for the past 20 years).  I don't care one way or the other about other people having sex, and though I find sex scenes in movies and books boring I am not repulsed by them (unless they are abusive).

[everywhere and nowhere]

23 minutes ago, Paca ermito said:

I don't care one way or the other about other people having sex, and though I find sex scenes in movies and books boring I am not repulsed by them (unless they are abusive).

Thumbs up for the last four words.

Some Polish bimbo has written a book which seems planned as a Polish version of "50 Shades of Grey" (🤮), it has been filmed and so a lot is being written about it... unfortunately, mostly in perspectives such as: is there a place for pornographic literature? Are Polish people prudish? Is the Polish language prudish? (Which just doesn't work on me... I have a libido, I can be aroused by erotica, but I'm an extreme prude if "prude" is understood as "nudity-averse". So I just can't think in terms of "prudish = bad".)  And so on. In these discussions, it is often forgotten how abusive is the relationship in this book. Another instance of brainwashing women with the idea that If A Guy Is Possessive, It Means That He Cares... as if we had too little domestic violence, too few date rapes, too little sexual pressure... 

[TheCatBehind]

I always found sex to be a'ight. In my rendition of it, anyway.

 

I disregarded the power dynamics of sex almost immediately, as I was just not into it, and figured that if I were to do it, I would do it my way and on my terms.

 

Plus I think that sex can be fun! Just gotta lay off the pressure of perfectionism and admit to ourselves that not every performance is going to be stellar.

[Zagadka]

I was curious and wiling to have sex when I was younger. After having it, I pretty much lost interest. It was boring and a little gross. Now I'm pretty averse to the idea. I can still imagine doing it, but I really see no scenario where that happens.

 

I basically don't get the point. It is a little bit of temporary pleasure, and people go through so much shit for it.

[TheCatBehind]

On 2/17/2020 at 4:19 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

Thumbs up for the last four words.

Some Polish bimbo has written a book which seems planned as a Polish version of "50 Shades of Grey" (🤮), it has been filmed and so a lot is being written about it... unfortunately, mostly in perspectives such as: is there a place for pornographic literature? Are Polish people prudish? Is the Polish language prudish? (Which just doesn't work on me... I have a libido, I can be aroused by erotica, but I'm an extreme prude if "prude" is understood as "nudity-averse". So I just can't think in terms of "prudish = bad".)  And so on. In these discussions, it is often forgotten how abusive is the relationship in this book. Another instance of brainwashing women with the idea that If A Guy Is Possessive, It Means That He Cares... as if we had too little domestic violence, too few date rapes, too little sexual pressure... 

Oh god I already forgot about that. Had a quick look to refresh my memory and it all came flooding back. I would say that the Polish book is nowhere near akin to 50 Shades (not that I like it, but it's not as bad and horrible as this thing). At least 50 Shades, from what little I know, portrayed power play as kink. And didn't glorify... all that. The abuse in this thing is just... outlandishly overt. I'm honestly surprised just how jam-packed it is with it.

 

(Also being half-Polish half-Italian leaves a real bad taste in my mouth, what with the whole "mafioso" thing. Disgusting)

[everywhere and nowhere]

8 hours ago, TheCatBehind said:

Plus I think that sex can be fun! Just gotta lay off the pressure of perfectionism and admit to ourselves that not every performance is going to be stellar.

I completely don't care about the aspect of performance, I mean: it's just not what I find so horrible about sex. Although, it gives me a strange sense - a mixture of non-conformism, defiance, of recognising myself as a stranger in this reality - to realise that if seen from this perspective, I'm an adult woman with no sexual skills whatsoever. However, as I wrote - it's not what scares me so much. I find sex terrifying first of all because of the nudity, furthermore because of the vulnerability... I just don't have the capacity to desire something like that. The idea of personally having sex is so terrifying, disgusting and absurd that I can only wish my poor body to never ever go through such a process.

[TheCatBehind]

1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I completely don't care about the aspect of performance, I mean: it's just not what I find so horrible about sex. Although, it gives me a strange sense - a mixture of non-conformism, defiance, of recognising myself as a stranger in this reality - to realise that if seen from this perspective, I'm an adult woman with no sexual skills whatsoever. However, as I wrote - it's not what scares me so much. I find sex terrifying first of all because of the nudity, furthermore because of the vulnerability... I just don't have the capacity to desire something like that. The idea of personally having sex is so terrifying, disgusting and absurd that I can only wish my poor body to never ever go through such a process.

Oh no, that part was not aimed at you, just sharing my opinion on the matter!

 

Your experience and feelings about sex and nudity are completely valid and understandable! And I really like the view of your non-conformism and defiance - they just resonate with me particularly well

 

(There was a different post where I quoted you about that book, the "Polish 50 Shades," urgh. My other post was just me being open about my opinions about sex concerning me. Just wanted to clear up the potential misunderstanding)

[A-Panda]

From these choices, "sex-indifferent" - though I'd stick with "neutral". (Probably only because I learnt that one first.) 

 

I have never in my life initiated sex because it just doesn't come to mind. But I have gone along with it for the other person's sake before. So I'm comparatively sure it doesn't scare or disgust me.