My relationship failed, help!

[TheCookie]

I tried to talk about it in another thread so I'm sorry if I repeat stuff. 

I just really need to hear something reassuring or helpful because I feel horrible right now.

 

My relationship just collapsed and failed because my SO and I finally managed to discuss stuff we've been avoiding for a long time: she would be ok with an ace relationship but wants a romantic one, closeness, intimacy, growing old together etc. I tried to make myself want those things and all I got was anxiety and depression. 

I wish I wanted those things, I always dreamt of those things, everything around me tells me that's the only way to be happy. And yet when it comes to it, too much intimacy makes me uncomfortable, I can't imagine myself coming home to the same person (even one I care about it and like spending time with) every day, I really enjoy time spent alone (not all the time, but regularly). I'm not romantic and cutesy, I have to force myself to do romantic stuff and it feels so fake.

 

So we pretty much broke up, with a big question mark in terms of are we going to stay somewhat friends? It would destroy me not to see her ever again.

But the real thing that makes me feel sick about myself is that I feel so broken and disfunctional. 

I imagine these are feelings a lot of people here have experienced and I need to figure out how to get over them, so please give me some advice. How did you cope with discovering you will probably never be "in love" in the traditional sense? How do you get over the idea of being a failure?
These are things you might have heard before a thousand time but it's all new and scary to me. Please help.

[That Ginger Kid]

First off, you’re not a failure. You’re not broken, you’re not dysfunctional. You may be different from most people, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Everyone has their own way of loving, and from what it looks like you want something more queerplatonic, right? Whatever it is you want out of a relationship, it is valid and it is attainable. 
What I would suggest is taking some time for you. Figure out exactly what you want and don’t want out of a relationship (platonic or otherwise), if you don’t already have a clear idea. Explore new interests and things that you may not have otherwise. Getting out and doing stuff helps with the Big Sad, too, to an extent. It takes time to heal from stuff like this, so don’t rush anything. If you feel comfortable, talk with her and work out if you’re going to remain friends or not. Even though you’re broken up, so long as you two are civil, it really helps to have a friend who understands you. 
I’m not aro, so sorry that I can’t give you anything too specific, but this is just general advice for the end of any relationship. I wish you the best. Keep your head up, keep confident, and try not to be too upset (I know, all easier said than done!), and eventually things will get better. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but slowly things will improve. And, with luck, you’ll find the perfect relationship for you out there

[Lord Jade Cross]

Echoing what @That Ginger Kid said, there isnt anything wrong with you. Sometimes relationships just dont work out even if the partners involved try. Its not that anyone is broken, though I can strongly sympathize as its one of the things that plagued me for many years due to how I didnt get what the fuss about things was with people and even now I still get comments thrown my way (irl) that are akin to "youre broken" from time to time, its simply a matter of incompatibility.

[Philip027]

The best advice I have is this:

 

"Tradition" is stupid; make your own.

 

Also, stuff doesn't have to be cutesy or cheesy to be romantic.

[Gwaeron]

Yo, I’m an aro ace. For a long time I tried to be convinced I just need to meet the right person but I realised it’s not that. Not being in love does not equal to being a failure, it would be really weird if the absolute and only purpose of life was this one feeling. Besides, there are many types of love. I love my friends and family, for example, so I’m not really alone. I think what you should do is spend time doing what you enjoy and spend time with people you like, regardless of what way you like them. Hopefully you’ll notice that your life can’t be a failure if you’re enjoying yourself.

 

As for your relationship: an “ex” of mine was a good friend before we dated, and we!re still good friends. Just because you aren’t romantically involved does not mean you need to cut ties. If you broke up peacefully I see no reason why you shouldn’t be friends.

[Sinking_In]

If every relationship worked, we'd all be stuck with the first person we've ever met, and no one else. Or I suppose we'd all be stuck with hundreds, or thousands, of relationships going on at once. We all grow, learn new things about ourselves and each other, and part of that process is finding compatibility and incompatibility with others. It doesn't have to mean anything negative, in fact, it should be positive in that you've learned something new about yourself and each other. Relationships aren't win or lose, pass or fail, they are journeys.

[WanderingKate]

Ooh, this really hit me. I have absolutely felt what you're feeling right now. I've tried so hard to force myself to want romance and love, to be cutesy and affectionate (makes me cringe) and to enjoy romantic relationships. I'm definitely more romance repulsed than sex repulsed- I really struggle with the "too much-ness" of it all. But I do love close bonds, so I often tried for romance because most people want that out of a very close relationship it seems. I thought it would be okay because I don't mind some hand holding and kissing in small doses, but it quickly became overwhelming every time when the other person wanted to ramp up the intensity of the relationship. In my experience, the more you try to force it the more the romance will repulse you. I wish I had more advice, but at least I can say you're definitely not alone

 

[CluelessAce]

On 2/11/2020 at 8:43 AM, Gwaeren said:

As for your relationship: an “ex” of mine was a good friend before we dated, and we!re still good friends. Just because you aren’t romantically involved does not mean you need to cut ties. If you broke up peacefully I see no reason why you shouldn’t be friends.

+1.  My ex and I are the best of friends -we ended the romantic relationship when we realized we simply just wanted different things out of life.  It was weird for a few months, and we still have to occassionally avoid joining specific events together if we want to avoid random petty gossip about us (ex: going on trips with other couples when we're both single - people assume we're still secretly hooking up).  Otherwise, it has been a great life choice.

[cabilope~bk]

I kinda recently went through something similar with my last boyfriend a few years ago. 

 

He kept talking about growing old together and having each other to come home to. It never really sounded like something I really wanted though. I liked being alone and not always having to focus on him. I put him as "Very needy" in my mind but in hindsight maybe it was me being demiromantic and just didn't match up with his wants and needs as well as we thought we would. I really enjoyed his company and didn't mind spending time with him. We were very close but it felt like he wanted more... sensuality in the relationship, for the lack of a better term. I did love him and he loved me, but our loves didn't match too well (that and other things but besides the point).

 

We broke it off peacefully; there were tears and hugging but he understood that the relationship wasn't as good as we thought it was. We're still good friends and we go out on friendship escapades every other week and I give him rides to work and stuff once in a while. Today we had "friend day" as I call it in my head. He came over to my place and we watched tv and ate pizza. After I took him home, he commented on how happy he is that our relationship has grown deeper despite not being romantic or sexual and that our friendship right now is how he wants things. I also wanted to tell him about squishes and that I am ace, but decided that it might be too soon for that just yet. (I discovered my asexuality a year after we broke up).

 

Anyway, my point is, even if relationships don't go the way you first thought it would and fails, you are not a failure. You both did your best and even that's hard to accept when it seemed to be going so well. Echoing the sentiments of previous posts, we have many encounters in our relationships with others and each time we learn something new about ourselves that we can use as a tool for the next encounter. I, too, am a little scared of not loving others the way society deems "normal" but I am going to try to stay true to myself and that, I feel, is what's best for myself and the next person I may or may not start a relationship.