Grey Ace, Panromantic HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN DATING?!?

[lunasaur]

I don't know exactly what advice I'm looking for here... but I feel adrift and like maybe people here would have some perspective.

I've been very lonely and wanting companionship.  I'm a grey ace, panromantic, sex favorable.
I don't know where to start looking or what kind of relationship I'm even looking for.
I guess some discussion & maybe hearing about people's experiences might help me figure that out.

I guess I want a person I can live with and cuddle with eventually... and sex and stuff is chill, I have needs and don't need to be attracted to my partner that way in order to do the thing... but I can also fill my needs myself or with others so... that does't necessarily have to be a part of a romantic relationship to me.

More info about what I want, CW sexual context / complicated feelings

Spoiler

I also am a sub and kind of want a dom... not even for sexual stuff *necessarily* but just like in general in that makes sense... and I haven't got a clue how to look for this and not find someone who will actually use me. ._.  I've had bad experiences in the past.

The other thing is I'm mentally ill and have a very hard time socializing or being around new people... so I'm really just looking for like... where to start...
One friend suggested I look for a "cuddle buddy" on bumble... 
... but I've never used a dating app in my life and I don't know if I'd find anyone I actually like romantically... so I guess I want someone who is more than just a buddy before I can feel really intimate/cuddly with them... but do I want that.  I just don't know where to start.

I've considered checking out some queer positive spaces (I'm in Toronto) but I also have a bit of agoraphobia and on top of that I'm pretty severely socially anxious... so I wouldn't be able to approach to anyone even if I made it out there... LOL.

... I also have a crush on someone I dated at 16 (13 years ago) and I'm pretty sure he likes me but...
It's one of those things where I don't want to make the friendship awkward... but I think he's hitting on me... but I only have a romantic crush (though I'm wondering if he might want sex, and I'd be amenable to that if he did... but not without the romance there...  ... grey feelings) and I just don't know how to say any of this to him or if I even want to at all ahahaha.  He's a good friend.

Thoughts?  Experiences?  Any input is welcome.  Thanks.

[Kimagine]

Okay, so all I can really give here is my own experience finding a relationship while grey-a. I didn't meet anyone in person who I was attracted to who was available for a relationship for the first 24 years of my life, so let's get that out of the way. That was my first relationship, it lasted 5 months and was long distance. After that relationship, I wondered if I'd ever get lucky enough to find someone I was attracted to who was attracted back to me ever again. I was devastated to lose the closest thing to normal I had ever found. I panicked. I DOVE into online dating out of desperation. As the desperation waned, so did the dates, but I never fully gave up. I'd go through phases. 3 weeks of frequent dates, a month no dating, 2 months back in, another month out, and so on. Found someone willing to be a sex buddy who I found attractive about 2 years in, but I just couldn't handle it without an emotional commitment from him. this pattern kept going and going. Then, three years in, I'm on tindr, using the pay to see who has already liked you version because regular tindr was too time wasting for someone who rarely finds anyone attractive anyway, and found this guy in a renfaire hat. "Eh, he's okay looking. I'll probably meet him and not find him attractive, like all the rest, but at least I might have a fun conversation?" I left the house dreading that date. Spent the whole car ride there thinking about why I did this to myself and can't I just be happy as an old woman with 7 cats? Then I meet him. Oh, wow, he's... actually better looking than his photos. Kind of cute. Is this sexual attraction? Well, no, but maybe a spark of it? Huh. We go on our date. And end up talking for five damn hours. Anyway, the two of us have been in a relationship for a whole year now. Sex does happen, sometimes I'm in the mood, sometimes I'm not really but I want him to be happy so I participate. He is allo. It's good. I'm happy. So don't give up hope if you feel like this is impossible. It's unlikely, but what my experience taught me is that grey-a dating is even more of a numbers game than dating is for allo folk. Date often, even when it feels torturous to put yourself in yet another uncomfortable situation. You might get lucky like I did.