How do I come out?

[Erin.]

I have a close friend group and only came out to my best friend. I felt comfortable telling her because she came out to me as bisexual previously. It was very messy considering all of the terminology I threw around. If I want them to truly understand it, I don't feel like I can tell them quickly. I have some friends that are very likely to say something along the lines of, "We've been knew." Even if that is comforting to an extent, it doesn't feel right to me. The conversation would probably end within seconds. They don't like serious talks and I feel like that is what I need to come out properly. How should I go about this?

[Jarynrb]

I would just take it in small steps, like mention that you aren't really attracted to people like that and see what they say, and then just slowly build up to telling them officially so they can kind of see the conversation coming, or you could just say "I want to have a serious talk with you" and then tell them and then go on from there explaining or asking questions. 

I would not do what I did and have your brother find an ace meme you made and then tell your family about it (Happened earlier today lmao) but when I was coming out to friends (not as ace but as something else) I told them I had something to tell them about the certain topic and they guessed for a few days and then I told them so they could like see it coming and had been doing their own research to kind of figure me out, and other friends I just told them about something related to the topic that I was going to and then when they asked what it was for and why I was going, I explained it in more detail. So idk, My opinion is to just take it in slow steps

 

[Erin.]

13 minutes ago, Jarynrb said:

I told them so they could like see it coming and had been doing their own research to kind of figure me out

 

Your friends sound like good people. Helpful advice, too! 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Erin.

[Auld_Mulk]

If you dig into the forums, you'll find lots of advice about how to come out.  Maybe too much.  There is one very important consideration you should think about before coming out.  Your safety.  Only come out if you will not compromise your personal safety.  I know this can sound over-dramatic but this is no joke.  Be safe first, then you can open up. 

 

Who you are and how you identify is personally a big deal... and sharing who you are completely is important, however, most people who really care about you wouldn't bat an eyelash because you are still you.  You may feel you need to explain for days so they understand completely, but the best reception to your coming out is almost the opposite.  "You're an Ace, cool.  You still up to hang out later tonight?" ... would you what something else?

 

I came out to a few people I trust; my Ex, my daughter and a couple friends I have known for years.  My adult daughter was actually the easiest.  She simply said "Huh... I was kinda worried I might be holding you back."  She figured I wasn't "looking" for someone because she was still living with me.  I chose to tell her because she was still living with me.  My Ex however was more difficult.  She related asexuality to a kink.  I gave up when she figured AVEN was like a "The Scene" forum.  Yup, that happened.  In all my experiences, I come out in one-on-one conversations.  That worked well for me, but that situation is more natural for me anyway (introvert). 

 

People I have no plans to come out to are my parents, my brother (his wife and daughter), anyone at work, and in general because why do they need to know. 

 

I hope you find something to take away from my experiences.  Good luck (and be safe).

[the-spaceace]

It can absolutely be scary to come out to people - even if they are your friends. You never really truly know how they're going to react, and you probably don't want things to change from how they are now. I think what someone mentioned earlier is probably the best place to start: make sure coming out does not jeopardize your safety. Whenever I tell my friends something about my sexuality or gender, I make sure to let them know that certain people do not know this information yet so they don't accidentally force me to come out around people I don't want knowing just yet.

If you do feel comfortable telling your friends, and you want to have this serious conversation with them about this aspect of your identity, my advice would be to almost treat it like a project. Think of what questions they might ask you before you even bring this up to them and create answers with information from this site or from your general knowledge, that way you go in prepared. Sit them down and tell them, "everyone, I want to talk to you about something, and it's nothing bad, but it's important to me and I hope you'll all listen and understand." This should let them know that you want this topic taken seriously while also banishing the idea that it's serious in a bad/upsetting way. Hopefully your friends will give you their time and attention to better understand you. ❤️

If you have any questions still, know that we're all here to support you and answer them to the best of our ability!

[Janus the Fox]

Coming put is alway difficult.  Slowly and when ready, have that conversation privately and talk it out “you’ve come out too, I have some things I’d like to say too” type of conversation.  A conversation in its most simplistic possible terms before detail, it’s how I’d come out between me and the bf.

[SorryAnonymous]

Curious if the people that have come out are glad that they did?

 

To me being asexual is very different then being gay.    Gay is a easier to understand.    Coming out makes sense to me.

 

My wife is asexual and we have been married for over 25 years and it is still hard for me to understand.    

 

She has not come out to anyone but me.   I have wanted her to come out to our older kids but not interested so far.  With our older kids it is about helping them if they are also dealing with being asexual in our overly sexual world.  

 

But her coming out to her friends or parents has never been something she has been interested in and really not sure I see a reason it is necessary.

Edited February 19, 2020 by SorryAnonymous

[EllyAlex]

Coming out as asexual is pretty much only difficult because of people's general ignorance about it. Very few people are really informed about what it means and how it functions and even if they are informed, it is sometimes difficult to express how it works with you to other people, sometimes even to yourself, and because of this, it's really easy to dissmis it as a joke or something like that, so when coming out to friends, I don't think there's a danger of them suddenly disliking you because of your orientation, but more of them not taking it seriously. However, if those are close friends who are to be trusted, it is mostly just too much worry probably, since I remember I have worried about that before. 

[AceMissBehaving]

My advice is keep it simple. You don’t need to educate them on any of the finer points, at least not at first. It’s also possible that if they dislike long serious conversations that it will be hard to pull them into one. I’d say keep it simple, be prepared if they want to talk more, but also be prepared for the fact that it might not be a big cathartic moment right away.