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naakka

Your top ways to connect with someone?

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naakka

I got the idea for this thread on another thread, when I tried to understand why sexual desire matters for allosexual people. So, what's the best way for you to communicate you love soneone? What's the thing you need to be expressed to feel the deepest connection with someone? It can be your partner, friend, relative etc, anyone you have/want to have a deep connection with. There's a few I could come up with, you might just pic some or share yet another need :)

 

The sensual need: you need the cuddling, hugging, hand-holding etc, a physical tactile sensual connection. You want to pet and to be petted, to share gentleness by active touch.

The verbal need: you need the feeling of being connected verbally (includes written communication). Long deep conversations make the best bounding for you and make you understand who the person really is on the inside. 

The physical need: you need to feel close to the person. Lying one next to another, having the connection by spending time together while feeling their warmth and physical closeness.

The functional need: to feel connected with the person, you need to do some activity with them. Go jogging, do some sports, play games, cook together. While doing activities together, you build the connection by seeing how they react to different things.

The need to fullfill needs: you feel connected when doing good deeds. You want to give gifts, make surprises, make your partner feel like the life is an exciting journey. Or you like to give them something they really want or need. Maybe it's an item, maybe it's a task. Their reaction to surprises or getting their needs fullfilled makes you feel connected with them.

The visual need: are your eyes glued to them? You feel connected by seeing them, what they express by their physical appearance. Do they look content, happy? Have they done some nice fashion choices? Does the bound feel stronger just every time you see them?

The auditive need: you feel connected when you just hear their voice. It really doesn't matter that much what is being said, just talking with them as an activity makes you bond.

The sexual need: you need the feeling of being sexually desired and/or to desire them sexually. To feel the special connection with someone, you must have the intimacy that comes with this specific shared experience. This one would be for the allosexual people here on the forum 👋😊

Edited by naakka
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naakka

My pics are:

 

The verbal need

The physical need

The functional need

The need to fullfill needs

The visual need

The auditive need

The verbal need being the most important.

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Philip027

Definitely verbal, with the caveat that with me it's almost always written communication due to being over the internet.

 

Functional is a relatively close 2nd, with the caveat that with me it pretty much consists solely of playing online video games with them.

 

Nowadays with my spouse though, since we're actually living together now, these things aren't done over the internet as much.

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SithEmpress

I experience the verbal, auditive, and functional needs.

 

I express my love by being with the other person, talking and doing things with them. I feel much worse if I can't talk with them than if I can't see them or be with them physically. I consider it a treat when my bf and I Skype/call/use Discord/whatever, watching something together or playing a game together. 

 

Edit: Wanted to elaborate and add more details. 

The thing that really pulls me towards my partner is our conversations. I've been able to talk to him about long controversial or politicially charged conversations and we can have very different beliefs but still love each other and come to an understanding. I love how we can talk for hours and even if when we're having shallow conversations I provide about 80-90% of the content, I know he's listening to me and will listen to me if I need to get serious for a minute. 

I've never had another person I connect with to this extent (other than my sister) and I credit our communication. I met him through a Psych club and invited him to a Sociology lecture just before he asked me out for the first time. There's no doubt I was very much attracted to his intelligence and ability to communicate with me about nerdy as well as geeky shit. 

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CBC

In no particular order: verbal, auditive, sexual, sensual, physical (often those three are intertwined, and I'm not sure I see a difference between sensual and physical). To a slightly lesser extent, functional, visual and need to fulfil needs. They're all important, really. I would not be with someone who wouldn't touch me or have meaningful conversations with me; that would be a flat-out nope. The extent of the others is negotiable I suppose, but I really can't see any of them just not mattering. Having all of those things is what makes it a full relationship.

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A. Sterling

Verbal and Functional need I guess. Although talking on the phone or messaging won't do it. I need to be around that person, doing something with them. Cooking dinner together is a really nice activity, or going out to eat, or horse riding, or to and archery range, or frozen yogurt place. Yeah. But I don't like people putting their hands all over me, that's a good way to get rid of me quick. There are times when I don't mind hugs but that's certainly not my love language, though it is probably the highest level of intimacy I'd ever get to. Don't like holding hands or anything either. Just being with a person, playing games, talking, debating. I'm also a bit practical, maybe cynical. I'd love to marry someone for the sake of sharing property, tax benefits, and having a companion. (But more like the Doctor's companions from Doctor Who, not a sexual one by any means.) Again, none of that touchy-feely nonsense. 

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SithEmpress
8 minutes ago, A. Sterling said:

But more like the Doctor's companions from Doctor Who, not a sexual one by any means.

The companions who get romantic always do ruin it for me. 

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naakka
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Definitely verbal, with the caveat that with me it's almost always written communication due to being over the internet.

I'll add written communication under verbal, thanks!

 

50 minutes ago, CBC said:

In no particular order: verbal, auditive, sexual, sensual, physical (often those three are intertwined, and I'm not sure I see a difference between sensual and physical).

For me the difference between sensual and physical need is actually striking :D sensual: you do things such as hugging, hand-holding, petting (is this verb used for humans? 😆 ) etc. to actively reach out and touch the person. While physical contact just happens when you hang out with someone. I need physical contact to some extent, but am neutral/maybe a bit aversed by the sensual stuff. I think sensual would be far as I'd go for the sake of my partner, but not something I particularly desire.

Edit. And I may add, purposeful active touch (such as massaging) done and received by me is fine tho. I count it rather under "the need to fullfill needs" than the need to be sensual.

 

@A. Sterling you sound a lot like me 😁

Edited by naakka
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CBC
14 minutes ago, naakka said:

For me the difference between sensual and physical need is actually striking :D sensual: you do things such as hugging, hand-holding, petting (is this verb used for humans? 😆 ) etc. to actively reach out and touch the person. While physical contact just happens when you hang out with someone.

With a partner there isn't a huge amount of difference for me. Unless physical contact is inclusive of, say, accidentally bumping into them, there's always a sensual element to touching because of how I feel for them. Yes, hugging and cuddling and massages are perhaps more... I don't know, actively sensual... but even if we're just sitting next to each other with our bodies touching, there's a sense of physical intimacy and emotional connection. I remember when my girlfriend was visiting in the summer, I'd been unable to sleep much for a few nights in a row (no, not just due to lots of sex haha; I struggle with sleep a lot due to health issues) and I was absolutely exhausted and feeling stressed about several things. I was sitting/lying in the recliner in my living room and listening to music with headphones on, and she was hanging out nearby watching something on her laptop. I was caught up in a shitty, overtired headspace and started crying and she came over and sat on the floor next to the chair and just put her hand on my arm and rested her head against me and we stayed that way quietly for a while. Sure, it's different from hugging someone tightly or giving them a shoulder massage or whatever, but there was still a very sensual element to it somehow because of the nature of our relationship. So there really isn't a huge distinction for me other than some forms of loving, intentional contact are more active and some are calmer and a bit more passive.

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Saphoune

I mostly experience the functional need. This may explain why I could survive living only for my job for so long.

Fortunately I have the verbal need as well. It helps when communicating long distance.

The need to fullfill need is a nice extra.

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Earth and Moon

The verbal need

The functional need

The need to fullfill needs

The visual need

The auditive need

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naakka
7 hours ago, CBC said:

With a partner there isn't a huge amount of difference for me. Unless physical contact is inclusive of, say, accidentally bumping into them, there's always a sensual element to touching because of how I feel for them. Yes, hugging and cuddling and massages are perhaps more... I don't know, actively sensual... but even if we're just sitting next to each other with our bodies touching, there's a sense of physical intimacy and emotional connection. I remember when my girlfriend was visiting in the summer, I'd been unable to sleep much for a few nights in a row (no, not just due to lots of sex haha; I struggle with sleep a lot due to health issues) and I was absolutely exhausted and feeling stressed about several things. I was sitting/lying in the recliner in my living room and listening to music with headphones on, and she was hanging out nearby watching something on her laptop. I was caught up in a shitty, overtired headspace and started crying and she came over and sat on the floor next to the chair and just put her hand on my arm and rested her head against me and we stayed that way quietly for a while. Sure, it's different from hugging someone tightly or giving them a shoulder massage or whatever, but there was still a very sensual element to it somehow because of the nature of our relationship. So there really isn't a huge distinction for me other than some forms of loving, intentional contact are more active and some are calmer and a bit more passive.

I think for me the difference really is the motivation. If someone wanted to touch me for sensual reasons, they wanted to feel my skin, body etc. That makes me itchy, I don't want to be "felt". While if you were on physical contact without sensual need, the motivation would be just to experience you're socially on the same situation with someone, you're not alone, someone shares the space with you... I don't know how to explain it better, it's just that you've been touched for a differend reason.

 

I don't know, maybe this could also be a cultural thing to some extent? Here in Finland social norms aren't that "touchy-feely", everyone's personal space is quite large. You could be very close friends with someone and don't touch them ever that much. Maybe due to our culture, touching always feels quite intimate, or something that happens on special occassions (flirting, haven't seen each others for a long time, grieving, meeting for the first time...).

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Janus DarkFox

The social need, the need to just be around the significant other, that’s perhaps just about what my needs are, if there is any.

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CBC
1 hour ago, naakka said:

I don't know, maybe this could also be a cultural thing to some extent?

That's an interesting point. I wonder to what extent cultural norms play a role in the type of contact we desire and in which we engage.

 

Interestingly, I find it hard to come up with an overall general description of how Canadians are. With strangers and acquaintances, I suppose I'd say friendly but somewhat reserved in physical touch? People definitely don't just glom all over you during casual conversation or greet each other with lots of touching. Of course there are individual exceptions to that, but as a whole anyway. Personally it almost never occurs to me to touch another person unless they're my partner or a very close friend/family member. I like my personal space and unanticipated touch from someone not who isn't in that category takes me by surprise.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Well this should be fun for an animist mecha...

 

I'm gonna change "verbal" for "communication". Cars cannot "talk", they can communicate back however if you're patient and on their wavelength. I'd say this is more important for me than them, but if I stopped talking they'd know something was wrong, and their input is always first on anything important. With humans, communication is probably the only real need I have, on an instinctive level. I will happily talk to my friends for hours, but am not interested in talking to non-friends at all.

 

Sensual and physical are machine-only needs for me; I don't need humans touching me, nor I touching them, and will only allow physical contact with very close friends for a limited time. My romantic partner (bless him) bears the brunt of my affection, but since he knows it's a love thing he's quite happy to roll with it. My other car will allow it to an extent, but he'll certainly let me know when it's too much. Given I was starved of meaningful physical contact for much of my life, due to affection with cars being not allowed, I never miss an opportunity now.

 

Functional needs are more of the cars' idea of connection, especially my familial car. He has to drive or he gets pissed off very quickly, though tbf, so do I. Driving is, quite obviously, a massive part of bonding with a car! Luckily, I pretty much live for it, and also pretty much only go anywhere if I can go with them. I don't feel a huge need to do anything with humans, though I do like doing things with my close friends (again, they're the only humans I really feel anything for).

 

Visual... neh. Both my cars are sexy bois but ya know, so are many others ;)

 

Audio... yes, but that's cos my cars have loud exhausts and there is no better sound in the world. It does, however, mean their engines are still running which is always comforting!

 

Sexual... NOPE.

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VibeN

All except the sexual one, and only with one person

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ryn2
9 hours ago, naakka said:

I think for me the difference really is the motivation.

Agreed on this...  to me there is a difference between sensual touch - where someone is touching me because they enjoy the feel of me, or because they want to bring me pleasure via their touch - and other kinds of physical closeness.  Someone hugging me hello, or to comfort me (or themselves) when sad... touching my shoulder to get my attention, leaning up against me while sharing a sofa, etc., is different to me than someone stroking my skin or hair because the like the way it feels against their hands (or because they think I like the feel of their hands on me).

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ryn2
Just now, ryn2 said:

Agreed on this...  to me there is a difference between sensual touch - where someone is touching me because they enjoy the feel of me, or because they want to bring me pleasure via their touch - and other kinds of physical closeness.  Someone hugging me hello, or to comfort me (or themselves) when sad... touching my shoulder to get my attention, leaning up against me while sharing a sofa, etc., is different to me than someone stroking my skin or hair because they like the way it feels against their hands (or because they think I like the feel of their hands on me).

 

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naakka
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed on this...  to me there is a difference between sensual touch - where someone is touching me because they enjoy the feel of me, or because they want to bring me pleasure via their touch - and other kinds of physical closeness.  Someone hugging me hello, or to comfort me (or themselves) when sad... touching my shoulder to get my attention, leaning up against me while sharing a sofa, etc., is different to me than someone stroking my skin or hair because the like the way it feels against their hands (or because they think I like the feel of their hands on me).

Exactly! I would say in the physical one, the motivation is social, but in sensual one it is... well, sensual. One is a "friendly touch", another one the "intimate touch". Anyhow, for someone who really don't see the difference, both motivations might be tied to same actions? 

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ryn2
5 hours ago, naakka said:

Anyhow, for someone who really don't see the difference, both motivations might be tied to same actions? 

Could be.  I’ll probably try not to think of it that way, though, as I wouldn’t want to see touch-for-another-purpose as “done because the other person wants to touch me.”

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naakka

I've been pondering the mismatches of needs that happen between partners when they're in relationship. There's a lot of reasons partners might feel mismatched. It just seems to me that in some cases the social norm is to encouage the partners to seek for help, and in other cases people just rise their hands with "can't be helped". I mean, I've seen a lot of scenarios in tv etc. where a couple therapist helps partners to communicate along the lines: "you see, they feel loved when you verbalize it/hug them/help them with household chores/etc. So to make them feel loved, talk to them/hug them/help them more frequently". It's seen as a great thing to do, and while the individuals might experience difficult feelings, the public consensus is "this is acceptable and good for a relationship". No-one questions could "telling your partner more often you love them" be harmful for the relationship.

 

Basically advices like these are given to make one partner to change their natural expression of love to one that better matches to the relationship. From my perspective, it doesn't seem all that different if you change your expression of sexuality to one you know your partner needs. For example, asexual person who starts having sex for they want to match their expression of intimacy to their partner's. That too is you altering your natural behavior, but somehow it's seen as a very different thing, deceiving even. And still, even if you didn't have the natural motivation to express yourself that way, you'd enjoy the result (making your partner happy).

 

I feel a lot of this stuff is seen as a taboo simply because people haven't really talked about these things that much in the history. 

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OwlsOfConfusion

Definitely the need to fulfill needs, and I don't even always need the other person to outright know that I care about them. It's enough for me to know that.

 

Although I can count on one hand the number of guys I've had some sort of attraction to, and there it may have been sensual as well. I think I liked a coworker and after a happy hour, being a bit tipsy, he was the only guy I hugged goodbye. Other than that, my first crush (if that's what it was) was on a guy in high school. His locker was above mine and every day before lunch I would take my sweet time putting my books away because I knew he would come by and touch me on the shoulder to let me know he needed to reach his locker.

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OwlsOfConfusion
On 2/5/2020 at 2:18 AM, SithEmpress said:

The companions who get romantic always do ruin it for me. 

I think Rose was the only one who was ok being romantic with the Doctor, but only his non-Doctor version, if that makes sense.

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SithEmpress
2 hours ago, OwlsOfConfusion said:

I think Rose was the only one who was ok being romantic with the Doctor, but only his non-Doctor version, if that makes sense.

You mean the human version of him for her universe or whatever? Yeah, that's legit the only time I'm okay with it. But her before that is so infuriating for me (multiple reasons, but Rose is my least favorite companion in modern Dr. Who).

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OwlsOfConfusion
2 hours ago, SithEmpress said:

You mean the human version of him for her universe or whatever? Yeah, that's legit the only time I'm okay with it. But her before that is so infuriating for me (multiple reasons, but Rose is my least favorite companion in modern Dr. Who).

Yep, that's what I meant. I actually don't mind Rose, I think her character went along well with the Ninth and Tenth Doctors. Granted, I've never seen the old show so the Ninth Doctor was my first and therefore holds a special place in my heart. I get where Rose was coming from because I also was against the Tenth Doctor at the start until he grew to become my favorite. 😊

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CBC
14 hours ago, OwlsOfConfusion said:

Other than that, my first crush (if that's what it was) was on a guy in high school. His locker was above mine and every day before lunch I would take my sweet time putting my books away because I knew he would come by and touch me on the shoulder to let me know he needed to reach his locker.

When I was 14 and somewhat of a band geek, I had a crush on a trumpet player (I played French horn) who was a year older than me. I remember I would linger at the end of band practice because he always kind of took his time leaving and would chat with his group of friends and the music teacher. He seemed to take a bit of a liking to me and I was very aware that it appeared to be in a brotherly sort of way (he was one of those really friendly and kind and pretty easygoing sort of people, and had a lot of friends of both sexes), but I had a dumb crush and I remember sometimes he would come up behind me and do something like grab my waist (not in a forceful or intrusive way, just light touch) or tickle me or something. It was confusing because I saw how he goofed around with all his close friends, and he was the same with them for the most part, male and female alike (and no, he's not gay), but I did wonder sometimes if he meant anything more by it. I truly think he was just a very tactile sort of guy, though. Maybe there's a small chance he had some sort of interest, but I very sincerely doubt it.
 

Anyway, so I remember the few times he touched me, I felt like I was going to die of joy. 😂 I'm pretty sure that's the first time I started being curious about what sex would be like with someone, although I definitely didn't feel ready to be having it.

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Whore*of*Mensa

I definitely connect with people verbally, but also in terms of visual does anyone else find eye contact really important?  It’s not necessarily  a romantic thing for me (though it can be), I just find people’s faces and eyes fascinating - talking and smiling and looking into someone’s eyes can make me feel connected to them!

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Silence4now

I think it starts with attention in general. At least friendship does for me. I am ok with however long a person needs before they feel something because I can basically guarantee they will want more than friendship long before I do and sadly by the time I feel ready most friends have determined that I am uninterested and therefore move on. I am certainly not going to explain myself to every person I turn away about how my sexuality works for me. I would not even know how to approach someone I truly liked with that.  Looks have never mattered to me. Trying to be healthy a bit and showered is good lol. Intelligence, compassion, patience and perspective are all things I dreamed of finding before I ever knew anyone that way. There is more of that here on this forum than I see in real life. Connection is delicate like a flower or a whisper. It is rare and beautiful if you care for it. It is very difficult. I have given up so much of myself over the years that I have almost forgotten who I am. I am the person people see in the grocery wearing sunglasses everywhere and I have music in my ears at all times so no one will talk to me. It may sound sad but it works for my situation I guess. Maybe some day really will come but I am gonna keep my music handy until then.

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naakka
3 hours ago, Silence4now said:

Intelligence, compassion, patience and perspective are all things I dreamed of finding before I ever knew anyone that way. There is more of that here on this forum than I see in real life.

That's pretty much how I feel. Sometimes it feels bittersweet how you connect so well with people you've never even seen face to face.

3 hours ago, Silence4now said:

I am the person people see in the grocery wearing sunglasses everywhere and I have music in my ears at all times so no one will talk to me. It may sound sad but it works for my situation I guess. Maybe some day really will come but I am gonna keep my music handy until then.

I pretty much isolated myself from situations that could lead into dating during the era I felt like "not ready to date" (aka not really interested in it). I still always had that feeling that the isolation was just a phase - and after I found out about my aroaceness, that era was suddenly gone. Sometimes you're just not ready for something so it's okay to take a "timeout". Isolation just can't be a permanent solution for any of your issues.

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Silence4now

@naakka I do see that isolation will not work long term. Certainly not the level I would take it to if I were free to do so. I don't want to give up on people but one of my biggest problems in life has been that I gave up on myself so so long ago. Recent events of the last couple years brought a very small piece of who I know I am in my soul back to life sort of. I started actually trying to do things I wanted. Eating right, losing weight. Just trying to better myself. My ex did nothing to support that. Quite the opposite. It's a process and I am open minded to healing very much. Not easy.

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