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Am I supposed to feel something??


GayShayy

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I have been trying to experiment and see where I am on the asexual spectrum. This includes having sex and relations with others.

Well I am in this sort of hookup relationship with a guy, and we made out for the first time, and I didn't... feel anything??

Like it was fun and all, but am I supposed to feel sparks or emotions when kissing? is it because I have no real emotional connection with this person? Next time we meet up he wants to do more, but I am not sure how I am going to because all I felt the entire time he was feeling me up is an uncertainty.

 

Am I just nervous??

I'm not sure how to react or reply to him now because I am kind of just confused.

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Its not easy to say. Some people who consider themselves sexual, only enjoy sexual activity with very close romantic partners.  Others can enjoy casual sex.

 

I'd recommend only doing what you are comfortable doing and are enjoying at the moment.   

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It takes a few months of dating before I enjoy kissing. 

 

I recommend giving yourself more time. Explain you aren't feeling it yet, and your experiment is more likely to succeed if you have time to build a sensual/emotional bond first. 

 

I'm not against experimenting, but keep in mind that you're messing with chemicals and hormones that (being ace) your brain isn't used to. I had a partner who said that I orgasmed (I was pretty out of it, I remember there were a lot of sensation, 60% negative 40% okay) but afterward I was hit with a wave of sad/empty/cold and just laid there for a couple hours. I'm glad that I had an emotional bond with this partner and could take comfort in cuddling afterward. 

 

I have no idea if my experience is common or not. Just a friendly warning from a fellow experimentor that even though your conscious thinks "yeah let's do this, I want to know", there's a chance your body will find it traumatizing and flood you with negative emotion chemicals*.

 

*You can probably tell already, but I'm not an expert. 

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All my life I never "felt anything," either, even though I was aware that I was supposed to "feel something," like "sparks" or whatever.  Nope.  Never happened.  So I'm just asexual, while 99% of the people out there aren't.  And that's just it.

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In my experience that uncertainty never really went away.  There was love but not in love, none of ravenous physicality the movies depicted.  I worked on the bond in our relationship thinking just a little more, a little stronger ... we'll get there.  I'll get there. 

 

She was the first to initiate everything with the exception of one date, our first date.  After that, anything physical she took the lead because she couldn't wait anymore... drove her crazy (in the good way) for awhile until it wasn't fun for her anymore.  She never said anything but after we separated and after I figured out my aceness, well yeah 20/20 right?  There were a couple of times where she accused me of cheating because to her that was the only explanation.  Her ex-husband cheated on her so she figured I was too. 

 

The point here is your guy will have expectations that will differ from yours and your efforts probably will never bring you to any level of sexual desire, and certainly not to his level.  That disconnect can crush someone with a sense of self-worth tired to they sexuality.  He needs to know this information if he does not already.  He needs to be reminded often too. 

 

I wish you luck. 

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On 1/30/2020 at 6:03 PM, GayShayy said:

I have been trying to experiment and see where I am on the asexual spectrum. This includes having sex and relations with others.

Well I am in this sort of hookup relationship with a guy, and we made out for the first time, and I didn't... feel anything??

Like it was fun and all, but am I supposed to feel sparks or emotions when kissing? is it because I have no real emotional connection with this person? Next time we meet up he wants to do more, but I am not sure how I am going to because all I felt the entire time he was feeling me up is an uncertainty.

 

Am I just nervous??

I'm not sure how to react or reply to him now because I am kind of just confused.

Okay, update:

I have come to the hesitant conclusion that the factors are endless, but rather than enjoying the kiss itself, I may have enjoyed the feeling of closeness/connection. While I thought it was fun, it wasn’t full of sparks and passion as I had hoped which may or may not come with a person that I am closer to relationship-wise. 
Thank you for your advice/opinions though, they were kept in mind as I contemplated this.

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