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Confused (gay, grey-ace, sex-repulsed?)


The Man of Shalott

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The Man of Shalott

Hi all, this is my first post. I'm an early-30s guy trying to figure myself out (it's taking a long time!) I might be somewhere between gay and asexual/grey-ace, and I'm also a (mild) Aspie who has adapted socially over the years, pretty unassertive, and have had a few mild bouts of depression. 

 

As a teen and in my early 20s I was mildly attracted to guys, not enough give too much thought to, and I thought I was maybe asexual. I was a virgin until 25, when I was "initiated" by my de-facto teacher, a charismatic much older man whom I hero-worshipped. I was in a foreign land for study, still immature, in a bad place, and desperate for guidance. That lasted a few years before we grew apart; I was also with a couple of other guys briefly. Back then I wondered if I was just a late bloomer. 
I am turned on by nude bodily closeness, snuggling, kissing (provided it's someone I have built trust with), and also homoerotic videos with shirtlessness / kissing, but I hardly ever feel much attraction to a random person on the street beyond the aesthetic level. For what it's worth I also have a bit of a fetish for certain types of underwear or mini shorts either on myself or other men, but not what's underneath them. 
 
(CW: Sexually explicit description) 
I find all genitals gross, along with hardcore porn. I don't like sex of any kind (oral, anal etc.) and am squeamish about the sharing of semen, but have always downplayed my discomfort because I didn't think I "should" feel uncomfortable and didn't want to disappoint partners. I've been told I'd enjoy giving oral when I could get past the gag reflex, but I never got into it; ditto with the pain element in anal. I have been single for 2 1/2 years, and I masturbate occasionally but have sometimes gone without orgasm for months at a time with hardly a thought. Sometimes I have a passing curiosity about getting into another relationship, but I don't feel any desperate need to. Never having sex again would be no issue, though I'm sometimes a bit lonely for close friendship (not necessarily even romance). 
 
I don't know whether I'm on the ace/grey-ace spectrum or just sex-repulsed, or both, or somehow repressed, as I don't know how to tell the difference between them, and don't know what identity would be the most honest for me. I know I'm the only one who can decide that, but I would really appreciate some feedback to help me get started! 
 
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You could be a midly sex-repulsed grey-asexual homoromantic?

I don't know if a sex-rupulsed grey-ace is a thing or not, but hey, you can use any label you want and very few people on here will judge 

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everywhere and nowhere
5 minutes ago, Piper Dragon said:

I don't know if a sex-rupulsed grey-ace is a thing or not

Why shouldn't it be possible? Everyone here claims that "sexual people can be sex-averse too" (OK, "everyone" is a simplification, but I have seen this claim many times).

On the other hand, I believe that if sex aversion fully prevents a person from desiring sex, it makes them effectively asexual. Like myself.

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The Man of Shalott
21 hours ago, Piper Dragon said:

You could be a midly sex-repulsed grey-asexual homoromantic?

I don't know if a sex-rupulsed grey-ace is a thing or not, but hey, you can use any label you want and very few people on here will judge 

Thank you! Yes, that does sound like it might be me.

All those years ago when I wondered about asexuality I didn't even know about the spectrum or the other identities, and a few times when I tested the water by bringing up asexuality (as a concept) to others I was met with "that doesn't exist / they're missing out / they're in the closet / they just haven't found the right person yet" and I think I internalized those messages for years. I'm happy to have found this forum. 

 

21 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why shouldn't it be possible? Everyone here claims that "sexual people can be sex-averse too" (OK, "everyone" is a simplification, but I have seen this claim many times).

On the other hand, I believe that if sex aversion fully prevents a person from desiring sex, it makes them effectively asexual. Like myself.

"Effectively asexual" is a good phrase. Do you generally use it when you self-identify to others? 

 

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18 minutes ago, The Man of Shalott said:

"Effectively asexual" is a good phrase. Do you generally use it when you self-identify to others? 

Very often, yes. Although, when someone is more likely to be prejudiced, I prefer to shorten it to just "asexual" and to downplay my sex aversion a bit. Such people are likely to attack others and almost demand that they have sex and prove a negative...

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On 1/29/2020 at 8:06 AM, The Man of Shalott said:

 

 
I am turned on by nude bodily closeness, snuggling, kissing (provided it's someone I have built trust with), and also homoerotic videos with shirtlessness / kissing, but I hardly ever feel much attraction to a random person on the street beyond the aesthetic level. For what it's worth I also have a bit of a fetish for certain types of underwear or mini shorts either on myself or other men, but not what's underneath them. 
 
 
(CW: Sexually explicit description) 
I find all genitals gross, along with hardcore porn. I don't like sex of any kind (oral, anal etc.) and am squeamish about the sharing of semen, but have always downplayed my discomfort because I didn't think I "should" feel uncomfortable and didn't want to disappoint partners. I've been told I'd enjoy giving oral when I could get past the gag reflex, but I never got into it; ditto with the pain element in anal. I have been single for 2 1/2 years, and I masturbate occasionally but have sometimes gone without orgasm for months at a time with hardly a thought. Sometimes I have a passing curiosity about getting into another relationship, but I don't feel any desperate need to. Never having sex again would be no issue, though I'm sometimes a bit lonely for close friendship (not necessarily even romance). 

Do you enjoy any type of sexual activity with a partner? If not oral/anal then what about hand jobs? Personally, I dislike oral, anal, PiV but hands / toys are fun. You dont have to like what the majority do. If you dont like / want any of it that's fine too, but if you want partnered there are other choices than oral and anal. 

 

Also, not everyone is into randos on the street. I cant be attracted to anyone but my sexual / romantic partner. But, I am very into her. So the randoms test fails for sexual attraction. Do you ever desire anyone in a sexual way?

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8 hours ago, The Man of Shalott said:

Thank you! Yes, that does sound like it might be me.

All those years ago when I wondered about asexuality I didn't even know about the spectrum or the other identities, and a few times when I tested the water by bringing up asexuality (as a concept) to others I was met with "that doesn't exist / they're missing out / they're in the closet / they just haven't found the right person yet" and I think I internalized those messages for years. I'm happy to have found this forum.

You're welcome! I'm sorry for what people said about asexuality by the way, maybe one day they'll understand. Or not. Can't change people who don't want to change. And I'm happy that the replies here helped you out in a way!

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On 1/30/2020 at 11:59 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

Very often, yes. Although, when someone is more likely to be prejudiced, I prefer to shorten it to just "asexual" and to downplay my sex aversion a bit. Such people are likely to attack others and almost demand that they have sex and prove a negative...

That seems sensible; sorry you had to deal with that. It sounds like there are many people who don't need to know the details beyond "asexual", and wouldn't understand anyway. 

 

18 hours ago, Piper Dragon said:

You're welcome! I'm sorry for what people said about asexuality by the way, maybe one day they'll understand. Or not. Can't change people who don't want to change. And I'm happy that the replies here helped you out in a way!

Thanks :) My circles these days seem more open and supportive, so hopefully things will go better now. 

 

On 1/31/2020 at 12:20 AM, Serran said:

Do you enjoy any type of sexual activity with a partner? If not oral/anal then what about hand jobs? Personally, I dislike oral, anal, PiV but hands / toys are fun. You dont have to like what the majority do. If you dont like / want any of it that's fine too, but if you want partnered there are other choices than oral and anal. 

 

Also, not everyone is into randos on the street. I cant be attracted to anyone but my sexual / romantic partner. But, I am very into her. So the randoms test fails for sexual attraction. Do you ever desire anyone in a sexual way?

Thanks for your perspective and the questions. You got me thinking! 

Generally I don't really want to be sexual with anyone else, and I can't imagine wanting to initiate a relationship or "encounter".

I'm fine being single, but I can't totally rule out the possibility that I might go along if someone I know, trust, and also find sufficiently attractive were to make the move, as has happened in the past. I'm basically indifferent about whether or not that happens in the future. (Reading that last sentence back I get that it sounds kind of lazy, but I think it's the truth for me). 

My past experience with hand jobs etc. is that I'm much less averse than oral/anal, but still a bit uncomfortable with touching each other's genitals. I've enjoyed the feelings of physical closeness with partners while it lasted, but it's not something I consciously miss or wish for. 

 

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