Figuring Things Out in a First Relationship

[one_secular_sparrow]

Hello everyone! I'm new to this site and have been struggling to figure some stuff out lately, so if anyone has advice, I would really appreciate it. 

 

Figuring out that I was asexual was a journey, and I've learned that my sexuality is a little fluid. In middle school I never had a crush on anyone and at one time, wanted so desperately to know what that felt like that I ended up almost deluding myself into having a "crush" on this one person. There were no actual feelings of attraction, it was just "preteen trying to figure things out" kind of stuff.  At a summer camp, I actually experienced what I think was sexual attraction to someone. It felt kind of like a lighter going off inside of me, just a little spark, but it never went anywhere. In my first year of high school I actually did have a sexual crush on a boy for about two months, but honestly when I got to know him a few years later he definitely was not my type. After that, I never had a sexual crush (with a warm kind of fire inside and this blind admiration for the person) again. I had a few romantic crushes, one on my close friend who turned out to be gay (whoopsie) and another on a girl in my grade.

 

I'm in my first year of college right now and was lucky enough to find someone who I really, really liked romantically and we've been in a relationship for about 4-5 months. I recently came out to him as asexual, since right now I feel like that best describes what I am experiencing. I've never had sexual attraction to him. He was a little confused at first, but was overall really sweet and accepting. We've done physically stuff, and some of it turns me on and I enjoy it. Other times it just feels empty, boring, or at the worst, intrusive and uncomfortable. Sometimes he notices that I'm withdrawing and expresses concern, but I feel bad for not giving him what he wants. We haven't had sex or anything (it's his first relationship too and we agreed off the bat on how fast we wanted it to go), but sometimes I can tell he is really into it and I'm just... not. I don't really want to let him down, but it's getting to a point where letting him just do stuff just kind of sucks for me. He's a very sweet and gentle person and I know he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, but I also want him to be happy with our physical relationship.

 

I've hit a point where I want to figure out what's best for both of us. I basically need to have a talk with him to explain that sometimes I'm not into physical things all the time, but I feel really bad for being so conditional in my attraction. Any advice for this kind of situation? I'm really scared that having this conversation will end up with us having to break up, but I want us to both be happy. It would just really suck because I've never gotten along with someone as well as I get along with him.

 

When I came out to him, he also asked me something that I've been thinking about. He asked if I feel different when I'm around him. And I guess I do sometimes, I mean I get really giddy around him and goofier than I can be with most of my other friends, but it's not really a certain constant feeling I get just from being in the same room as him. Is that normal? Do asexual people usually experience that kind of proximity-attraction and I'm just... I don't know, not actually as into him as I think I am?

 

Okay, so that was a lot. Basically:

-How do I establish physical boundaries so I'm not pushed into an uncomfortable situation? And how do I do that without offending him or letting him down too much?

-Is it normal to feel pressured about physical stuff as an asexual? Any advice for how to cope with / overcome that?

-Do other asexuals experience a unique feeling when in close physical proximity to someone they are attracted to? If not, what do you experience?

 

I appreciate any and all help. Thanks.

[Manderla]

I get that same feeling relating to physical proximity as you do. I don’t always feel different or get a specific feeling when we’re in the same room or its just us even though its been almost a year of dating. I’ve really thought about it actually and what comes up is that my boyfriend is someone I really trust and love and has become part of my life that I find calming. I don’t always have “active feelings” I guess but I just know that I am comfortable around him that he becomes part of my daily life. I guess I consider it to be a sense of being able to be casual around each other. There are still times that I randomly tell him I love him when its just us two because that’s all I can think about but its not all the time and I’ve learned to be okay with that in a positive way.

 

I am also not a big fan of touch so my boyfriend and I have discussed that in length. He isn’t a big physical person either so it works out in that regard. I did feel really guilty and nervous at the beginning that I was depriving him of something that was “expected” in relationships but after talking, we just explained what was important to us. It was a nerve-wracking experience but we really care about our relationship so we kind of just jumped in head first. It sounds like you also care about your relationship so even though its scary, its only fair to have that conversation. A relationship is a team effort. You don’t give everything to your partner just as they don’t give everything to you. There’s a middle ground and finding it can really help strengthen your relationship.

 

Wow that was a lot - I hope its helpful in any way at all. I am also in my first relationship while being out as ace but these are some of the things that I’ve thought a lot about.