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"Non-Sexual" BDSM


lunasaur

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Hello there.

Recently I realized that a lot of BDSM type stuff I'm into is involving "non-sexual" acts. 

[[For context, I'm submissive and I'm a grey-ace (I like the act of sex but don't associate it with feelings of sexual attracted-ness).]]

Obviously what "non-sexual" means is subjective but I'm referring to anything that doesn't involve "sexual" contact.... and that doesn't necessarily or usually lead to sex or sexual gratification.  So, not sex and not foreplay.

For example, (TMI warning, also self-harm is mentioned)

Spoiler

- Being ordered to do stuff like cooking, eating, cleaning, basically whatever, maybe at a specific time
- Being ordered to do stuff that's sexually subjugating but still not directly sexual (to me) -- like to send a nude, to go without panties, to wear a collar or cuffs that aren't "in use", to be lead on a leash etc.
- Being physically hurt in some way*
- Being watched (on video or in person) doing "non-sexual things" by someone who is dominating/sexually attracted to me... basically I could be doing anything (reading, eating, cleaning, etc.) and may or may not be nude or in lingerie.. but often what I'm doing is cutting myself (which I'd be doing anyways, to clarify... please don't jump down my throat about it being dangerous/unhealthy, I'm already seeking professional help and don't want this to turn into the topic of discussion ._.). 
- ETC. 

 

None of these things really arouse me physically (*except maybe sometimes the one thing with the asterisk, depending) but I still seek out this sort of attention.  I'm not sexually attracted to the people I seek it from.  Sometimes the idea of having sexual contact with them comes up in my mind - but it's more the idea that they'd want it/I could serve them that way, and that I'd be physically gratified regardless of attraction to them.  Sometimes I'm repulsed by the idea of having contact with the person... depends on the person.  Even when I'm favorable towards the idea I'd never do anything about it - it won't happen unless they actively make it happen.

ANYWAYS I wondered if anyone else here has a similar experience of being into "non-sexual" BDSM (whether you're a sub or a dom) and wanted to share, and what your thoughts are on the topic in general.

 

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Yes, I have meet some asexuals who are in the BDSM community. They say being asexual can enhance their play or dynamic because sex is not involved. And it is more about the power dynamic.

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17 minutes ago, Chef Remy said:

Yes, I have meet some asexuals who are in the BDSM community. They say being asexual can enhance their play or dynamic because sex is not involved. And it is more about the power dynamic.

Yes, I wonder how people feel it relates (or doesn't relate) to their asexuality as well.


I'm thinking that for me, it must be related.  I'm still mulling over how it might be related though.
It's certainly all about the power dynamic.

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Just now, lunasaur said:

- Being ordered to do stuff that's sexually subjugating but still not directly sexual (to me) -- like to send a nude, to go without panties, to wear a collar or cuffs that aren't "in use", to be lead on a leash etc.

*giggles* I used to send  pictures to my mistress... :/  But I do miss those days.  I have a few friends who are mistresses and what they do  depends on the submissive. At least my point of view.  But  what  seems  odd is that some people are in fact in a bdsm type of relationships  just that the roles and labels are not used.  At least  to me. 

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1 minute ago, Sir_The_Last said:

*giggles* I used to send  pictures to my mistress... 😕 But I do miss those days.  I have a few friends who are mistresses and what they do  depends on the submissive. At least my point of view.  But  what  seems  odd is that some people are in fact in a bdsm type of relationships  just that the roles and labels are not used.  At least  to me. 

Well, people aren't always very self-aware, and info about BDSM has to be sought out.  I think most people see it as strictly sexual in nature too.

I know in one of my relationships... since there's nothing romantic and nothing "sexual" going on (though he is probably getting off, he hasn't volunteered this information and I don't really want to know unless he wants me to know).. so I've been reluctant to discuss what the relationship is, haha.  We definitely have a "thing" going but it definitely doesn't involve anything more sexual than me being nude occasionally and won't lead to sex or a relationship and isn't meant to.  It's a head-scratcher for me.  It's like friends with benefits but without benefits.

I even have people who are CLEARLY just friends who I still look to for certain *completely non-sexual* orders because I know they're going to give them... and sometimes I wonder if I just sub to everyone lol.

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I'm submissive and I've always enjoyed being given clear directions and being told exactly what to do, no matter the type of situation. It just kind of calms me down and enables me to focus and function better.

I haven't had many relationships, but I know from experiences I had before realizing my asexuality (and some after) that I enjoy being bitten, embarrassed (humiliated, but not to extremes), given directions, bondage, hot wax, etc.

Most of my "play", "scenes", or whatever you'd like to call it, are solo. I've considered trying to find a partner or people to engage in these acts with but I don't really like another person being present. I like the idea of it, as ideally it would be great to have a dominant to carry out said actions, but the actuality of another person being present and experiencing the situation turns me off, so to speak.

Possible TMI warning

Spoiler

The acts can be sexual, but only ever if it's solo. Certain acts with another person can lead to arousal, but it's never directed towards the person, only the act itself. It wouldn't matter who was doing it. Other things like hot wax and directions are just sensual pleasure or calming and grounding.

So being submissive I do enjoy bdsm and being in certain positions in a non-sexual manner, but in some cases it also depends who with.

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14 hours ago, SweetTart said:

it's never directed towards the person, only the act itself. It wouldn't matter who was doing it.

I relate to this a lot.

Thanks for sharing.

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On 1/27/2020 at 10:12 PM, SweetTart said:

I'm submissive and I've always enjoyed being given clear directions and being told exactly what to do, no matter the type of situation. It just kind of calms me down and enables me to focus and function better.

Yes, being a submissive can empowering, And help build your confidence.

Being a submissive is not just being a door mate. But it is power exchange. Knowing you are making someone else happy and finding enjoyment in your submission. Having it be equal and a two way street. And after a scene being cared for and after care. Talking about it late. And knowing you both enjoy scene or the dynamic.

BDSM does not have to sexually. Know some asexually and dom think taking sex out of the equation lets the focus more on the power dynamic and scene.

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everywhere and nowhere

Power is not exciting for me. I don't want to follow anyone's orders and I don't want to have power over anyone else.

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I  think being the dominant would be very rewarding if someone put their entire love and trust in you..... at least from someone to whom trust is difficult to give. I am probably quite submissive... and I am not a furry personally but I do really imagine laying my head in someone's lap and having my head and ears scratched and being petted and possibly being told I am a 'Good girl.'  I actually calm and reassure myself a lot by calling myself a good girl out loud or telling myself I did a good job as if I was a second person praising myself.

 

I am not into pain at all though, or being told what to do as a power thing rather than because it is in my best interest. Yeah so guidance and petting in exchange for trust, loyalty, and whatever else I could give.

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  • 1 year later...
itsmeelysemarie

It would be more about the emotional intimacy for me, were I to ever try such a thing. The feelings of being protected and cared for and loved deeply would be more important to me. 

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  • 4 months later...
ConstellAceions

Honestly, I haven't tried it, but it sounds appealing in the same way reading whumpfics are. The vulnerability and compassion and emotional intimacy appeal to me.

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  • 2 months later...
Patsy.the.poodle

You'll find that to be fairly often. Alot of Bdsm stuff isn't sexual unless. You make it sexual 

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