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Trying to rid of myself of my masochism


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My fantasizes/whatever of this are not healthy in any way. Their addictive and mess with my perception of pain. I never want to associate pain with pleasure. Not on my end. Because it just ends up crossing over out of my head and hurting me. I understand I have submissive desires but there must be a healthier way than this. I can't afford to get off on humiliation and pain. I'm worth so much more than that. I'm just scared that this won't go away. Sigh.

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Aww. I am so sorry about what is going on.   I totally understand.  Sometimes our desires are hard to find or adjust them in a way that  that they become safe. About being a submissive  person that is  totally some people search for. About  pain and pleasure (TBH , for me at least pain and pleasure go hand in hand) If you want to talk more about it I am always open to it.  I am an emotional mascots that is who I am.  I would never want to change that. It is a part of who I am in the long run...  I hope that life gets better for you. 

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I don't know how it works with asexuals, so this might not be helpful.    For many sexual people, its possible to have a kink that is sexual but which is isolated from the rest of life.  People who enjoy things including pain and humiliation during sexual play, but it stays there.   

 

Its possible that someone who is asexul who has the same root source of desiring this, doesn't have the outlet of sexual interaction to release it. 

 

I have some kinks in the direction the OP suggests, but for me they are compartmentalized into sex play, and firewalled from "real" life.  I don't know if that works for other people. 

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I feel it too. Nature is as beautiful as she is cruel and vice versa. Upon closer inspection both pain and pleasure are empty phenomena. That's not to say they don't really exist, just that they're experienced differently depending on how attached/detached one is. I hope you find your way, that you may feel better soon.

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I've skimmed a few of your recent threads regarding this, and I don't think I can provide any advice but I wanted to share my personal experience.

I'm also a sub, details might be triggering - mention of sexual violence.

Spoiler

I've been a sub fantasizing about humiliation, pain and "rape," since I was a very young child.
Lately, things are coming up because I'm in therapy and I'm pretty sure that this "kink" is a result of things that I went through at a young age. 

I'm wrestling with it a little bit... but basically this is how I am and... does it really matter to me WHY, as long as everything I engage in is consensual and healthy...?  Trauma has effected every part of who I am, so this is no different.  As fucked up as I am, my goal is self-acceptance.

That said, I am easily taken advantage of and one way I can "keep it healthy" is by choosing partners who treat me right, respect my boundaries and who... worship me, for lack of better words.  Even when subjecting you to humiliation/pain, a good dom (in my opinion) is doing it all for you because they know you want it.  One good partner I had described it as "taking good care of his pet/possession" or "playing nice with his toy."  To me, when it's done as a service to me and tailored to my desires, I feel free from responsibility for my own pleasure, and I feel safe and catered to.  I feel selfish even.

I also wanted to mention that I have some fantasies I know I'd never actually feel okay with acting out in real life (or are literally impossible in real life)... and that I feel like that's okay for me.  Fantasy and reality can exist separately for me.  Fantasizing about it doesn't mean I want to do it.. it just means I like fantasizing about it.

I don't know if any of my personal experience will resonate for you at all, I hope it was okay to share anyways.  In any case, I wish you good luck with this issue.

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53 minutes ago, lunasaur said:


I don't know if any of my personal experience will resonate for you at all, I hope it was okay to share anyways.  In any case, I wish you good luck with this issue.

Thanks for sharing. I have a hard time accepting a sexual submissive side to me simply because I never wanted one. I feel it might diminish if I take better care of myself, learn to relax a little more, and learn to be more submissive outside the bedroom and less LJAL:KSJFDKFL. Also affection. Take lots of affection.  Most if not all of my submission has occured because of the rush of endorphins and the headspace I'm knocked into. It makes me a little prissy knowing that. 

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2 hours ago, Sir_The_Last said:

Aww. I am so sorry about what is going on.   I totally understand.  Sometimes our desires are hard to find or adjust them in a way that  that they become safe. About being a submissive  person that is  totally some people search for. About  pain and pleasure (TBH , for me at least pain and pleasure go hand in hand) If you want to talk more about it I am always open to it.  I am an emotional mascots that is who I am.  I would never want to change that. It is a part of who I am in the long run...  I hope that life gets better for you. 

I don't really like the idea of being submissive. I like being dominant and whatnot and taking care of my partner (when I got the confidence yeee). There's just something really fulfilling about it. Sex to me is one of the biggest and best ways to take care of someone's needs. Especially if they are a sub. I just didn't want it to spin around on me. TWT 

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10 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Thanks for sharing. I have a hard time accepting a sexual submissive side to me simply because I never wanted one. I feel it might diminish if I take better care of myself, learn to relax a little more, and learn to be more submissive outside the bedroom and less LJAL:KSJFDKFL. Also affection. Take lots of affection.  Most if not all of my submission has occured because of the rush of endorphins and the headspace I'm knocked into. It makes me a little prissy knowing that. 

Hmm.. I don't think I've ever wanted to be this way either.. but even despite shame I've never really wanted NOT to be this way either.  I guess I identify with being a sub (and It sounds like you don't).  I feel I'm like this all the time, like it's always my head space - at least to a small degree lol.

You know best what you need to feel most like yourself, I hope you can do that stuff and it helps.

I've been thinking lately about how I do a lot of sub stuff that's not really sexual or not at all sexual.  Obviously what is and isn't sexual depends on a person's definition but... I think there's a lot of room for that kind of thing if that feels right to you.

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15 hours ago, KrysLost said:

I don't really like the idea of being submissive. I like being dominant and whatnot and taking care of my partner (when I got the confidence yeee). There's just something really fulfilling about it. Sex to me is one of the biggest and best ways to take care of someone's needs. Especially if they are a sub. I just didn't want it to spin around on me. TWT 

Dominant people are fun to hang out with *giggles* But everyone  should be happy  with who they are and what not. 

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Whore*of*Mensa

@KrysLost I can sympathise with this, because I ended up exploring some kind of submissive/dominant stuff with my ex, partly because it was easier then for me (I didn't have to pretend to enjoy it in a way), it was kind of messed up and unfortunately he also got confused between me being submissive in the bedroom and in real life. We both did. It was every kind of wrong. 

 

Personally, my view is that if you feel that something is not healthy for you, then it isn't. You might find healthier ways to be, and the start of this might be to just cut out every single thing that makes you feel bad. Have a break. Do something else. Come back to it later. 

 

It will go away. 

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