Why do people stay in bad relationships???

[Drunk&Confused]

Hey im on hear to rant, so sorry in advance & for the grammer (Imma preface this with i'm female ace/aro).

 

I love being involved in my friends life (at a healthy level i promise), hearing about their days, boy/girl problems, all the good normal friend stuff. But a quite a few of them have horribllleeee boyfriends/girlfriends. Im talking about allll of the big red flags, like being hella possesive, going through eachothers phones, breaking up every other week, and lots more other fun red flags. Now im all about being the supportive friend, listing to problems, giving them some advice (but yah know tempered, I cant make decisions for em), being their, but I dont understand why they stay with them??? 

 

Like if you complain about someone almost every time we hang out, and yall seem hella uphappy together like why stay together?! If i had friends that treated me the same way that their partners and them treat eachother, we wouldnt be friends no more.

 

Idk, im aromantic af (as far as I can tell, its been 22 years so prob), but it makes 0 sense to me? My friends are all great people, they could find bae's that would make them much happier! Anybody else experience this? I just dont understand it.,,

 

**Aint nobody in a domestic abuse type situation; just hella big red flags**

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Often people in bad relationships think that that is the norm, either through how they've been raised, having been abused or in toxic situations, or simply thinking they don't deserve/can't get any better. I stayed friends with people who bullied me for years, because my self-worth was lower than a worm's shitter due to abuse.

[SithLord]

It's easy for outsiders to see the red flags. When you're in the midst of that bad relationship, you can still be in love with the person even if you fight all the time, even if they hurt you, even if it's a horrible relationship. They can justify certain actions because of different reasons, many of which being "it's okay because he loves me." 

[Scottthespy]

For many people in simply 'unsatisfying' relationships, where the couple is clearly not good for each other but it's not actively abusive, its a mix of 'ermagerd LURVE' and the sunk costs fallacy...people frequently feel that 'rush' or 'spark' for people who are just not compatible, and then once they've put a bunch of time and effort into this 'relationship' they don't want to 'waste' that by just giving up. There's a lot of media and societal norms (in North America, anyway) telling us 'love conquers all' and 'love is all you need', and it primes people from a young age to think that those gushy feelings in and of themselves are the important part, and that they're what fixes problems. Read Mark Manson's Love is Not Enough to get more in depth on that.

 

For people who are in abusive relationships, its sadly common for them to have grown up watching their parents in a similar relationship, and they just subconsciously 'know' that this is what love looks like...this is how its supposed to be. We're usually shaped by our early experiences above all else, for that's when unconscious learning is taking place, when our fundamental understanding of how the world works is cemented. If you ask such a person 'do you think this is how love is supposed to be', they might not even realize they do, they'll reply "No, I know its not, but...". Others will know, and say heart wrenching things like "How can I know he loves me if he doesn't hit me?". 

 

Another cause of staying in abusive relationships is conditioning...a savvy abuser will slink in slowly, not going from 'chill partner' to 'controlling asshat' in noticeable jumps. It will start with what seems like reasonable objections...'I just don't like that person, it seems like they want more from you than 'friendship'.' or 'But I had something special planned for us that night, are you going to bale on me?'. Things slowly turn more controlling, and as that's happening subtle psychological warfare is carried out on the abuse victim's self esteem. It starts with 'I dunno hunny, I think you may have put on a few pounds', and by the time it's 'you'll never find any one else who loves you if you leave me' the victim has been so systematically conditioned to hearing such things that they believe it. It worms its way in until they're terrified to leave because 'this is better than being alone for the rest of my life', and they've fallen for the lie that it really is a matter of 'this or nothing'. 

[Zagadka]

It is hard to see it from the outside, especially aro, it makes little sense, but you also see people doing other unwise things like buying crap or wasting resources or voting Republican that also make no sense. With relationships, people expect to have a partner, and fear being alone, which is understandable. It is easy to mislead yourself, or simply miss obvious markers. This is why people combine unwise things and spend tons of money on cheap relationship advice when the only answer is obviously to end the relationship. I'm sure I'm doing a dozen unwise things that are obvious to people around me.

[Guest]

A lot of people are taught to have low expectations and that with the way they are they should at least be happy they have somebody who is interested in them.

They must be happy with whatever comes their way.

Also how you were raised and taught.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

Ever heard of the phrase “love is blind” ?

[ryn2]

Sometimes people are happier than they sound and just enjoy drama, too.  Complaining about SO’s is a common bonding thing in some circles/societies, and people can get teased/mocked for talking like they’re happy with their partner or relationship.

[Edels]

people may stay in bad relationships because they still love the person they're with so they hope that it will work between them. Basically they hang on to the relationship in order to make things better

[brbdogsonfire]

23 hours ago, Drunk&Confused said:

Hey im on hear to rant, so sorry in advance & for the grammer (Imma preface this with i'm female ace/aro).

 

I love being involved in my friends life (at a healthy level i promise), hearing about their days, boy/girl problems, all the good normal friend stuff. But a quite a few of them have horribllleeee boyfriends/girlfriends. Im talking about allll of the big red flags, like being hella possesive, going through eachothers phones, breaking up every other week, and lots more other fun red flags. Now im all about being the supportive friend, listing to problems, giving them some advice (but yah know tempered, I cant make decisions for em), being their, but I dont understand why they stay with them??? 

 

Like if you complain about someone almost every time we hang out, and yall seem hella uphappy together like why stay together?! If i had friends that treated me the same way that their partners and them treat eachother, we wouldnt be friends no more.

 

Idk, im aromantic af (as far as I can tell, its been 22 years so prob), but it makes 0 sense to me? My friends are all great people, they could find bae's that would make them much happier! Anybody else experience this? I just dont understand it.,,

 

**Aint nobody in a domestic abuse type situation; just hella big red flags**

It's easy for people to model their relationships based on how their parents interacted. My parents are divorced but I have seen ways in which I have acted that both my mom and dad used to do to my step parents.

 

I try and think of how my step dad acts when he is upset with my mom. He never raises his voice unless he is being yelled at and he tries to admit when he is at fault in the relationship (he cannot about anything else). 

 

I've grown apart from him but my step dad has shown me how to be a responsible loving partner by how he treated my mom while all my other parents just yelled, screamed, and cheated on each other.