CluelessAce Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Hi all - longtime lurker, first time poster. I'm 36 Male, sex nuetral/positive, herteroromantic, and somewhere between full ace and demi (not that the exact label really matters to me - just knowing there are others with similar experiences is helpful). I realized some time last year that I was ace. I had heard about it, and even met a few over the years, but because I was sex neutral/positive, and they weren't, I never stopped to consider myself ace. I've had 4 long term (>6 month) relationships in my life, all with allosexual partners who really struggled to understand me (only one of which I was sexual with). The turning point for me was when someone confronted me about working with one of the four people I had been romantically involved with years prior. They didn't believe me that it wasn't distracting and that I wouldn't be overwhelmed by sexual desire. I seriously thought they had watched too many Hollywood movies, and the easiest way I found to explain to them how ridiculous they were being was to describe myself as ace. That ended their prodding, but it got me looking more seriously at the aven community, where I realized the stories here were infinitely more relatable than the conversations and confused looks I regularly got from friends. I started to realize that things like rating "hotness" relied on more than just aesthetic qualities of a person, that observing others physical qualities was legitimately distracting to others, that people actually enjoyed making out and that "losing contol" wasn't an exaggeration of how they felt (I personally find it a terribly inefficient and boring way of getting an erection). I started to understand why my ex-partners used to feel so angry/rejected by me for lack of initiating or engaging in physical intimacy without any intent of following through to sex. I also started to understand why people would be confused when I told them I was happily single and not interested in dating. I'm still not "out" with friends or coworkers, as it is more effort than it's worth - nobody really wants to understand the nuance compared to other sexualities and preferences, as they've never had to separate concepts like libido, arousal, and attraction. Dealing with the occasional well-intentioned attempt to hook me up with their friends is soooo much less work than arguing about these concepts with them while they attempt to help 'fix' me. So, I'm posting here just to say hi, and hopefully my story can be helpful to someone else who is still figuring themselves out, even if it also takes them 36 years to do so Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Welcome! 27 minutes ago, CluelessAce said: I started to realize that things like rating "hotness" relied on more than just aesthetic qualities of a person The realisation that hot didn’t mean just aesthetically pleasing hit me so hard it threw me for a week. I still sometimes catch myself getting the two mixed up. Oh if you know about aesthetic attraction do you know about the other types of attraction? Because there’s this really cute little sketchcomic I found that you might enjoy https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 <<<<< Link to post Share on other sites
CluelessAce Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 That's a great comic! Thanks for sharing and saying hi! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Drunk&Confused Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Welcome!! Thanks for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
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