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How can I tell?


lizc

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Ok I cant tell if I'm just getting stuck in my own head and confusing myself or what. I've been thinking about this for years but I feel like sometimes I can't trust whats happening in my brain (yay mental illness!).

So I have been questioning my sexuality for years now and in the last couple years I heard about a sexuality and have been learning about the spectrum. Recently I feel like something clicked and I feel like I relate to grey-ace but me being me I'm not sure if I'm making something out of nothing.

I have done the romantic relationship thing before and I have done the sex thing before. But the context of the sex thing is "oh I'm afraid to be alone forever" and "I don't want to die alone" so the sex is what people do in relationships and I need this to work because I don't think I'll have another chance. Then (TMI?) during that sh*t I felt like ok this isn't too bad but what's all the hype about? I don't understand what the big deal is. I didn't want to do that long enough for the orgasm thing because it just doesn't make sense. As bad as it sounds I thought sex was the way to get what i wanted, to better my chance of not being alone forever. But after I got away from that and started working on my mental health I started to feel comfortable with me and that relationships do not define me. Feeling confident enough with myself I stopped caring about the sex thing. It didn't make sense to begin with so I don't need it right? But my brain tells me I'm broken and this isn't a "normal" thing. People ask if maybe I'm gay and I just haven't figured it out.  Nope. Wouldn't know what to do with a girl if I had one.

So essentially do you guys think I'm blowing things out of proportion? Do I just feel like grey-a fits but it actually doesn't?

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I can very seriously relate to what you've felt about not wanting to,be alone and have made some very poor choices in that same regard. I caved to loneliness and made a life that always felt like a half truth with an abusive person. It sounds like you have done the right thing for you. You can embrace how you feel without a label for it. The label to me is a clarification that helps us guide our choices but there is no set answer to anything that can change. If you are comfortable with how you feel, then that is all that matters. You are not broken. Not in the least. Maybe just knowing that you are not the only person that is going through this can be a comfort of sorts. Everyone here has shown me such compassion and empathy and I am sure you will get the same. 

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I honestly started tearing up at that. Thank you. I feel like sometimes labels can help you find your normal (if it's not being used for negative or hurtful purposes). The human experience is confusing. But thank you for sharing that you've had a similar experience helps me feel a little less stupid.

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Labels rarely do what is in the box justice. Protect your heart and have the courage to trust it.  🙂

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The most important thing is being comfortable in yourself. The labels are just convenience, shorthand, trying to make sense of the jostle going on constantly in our heads. An important part of dealing with mental health is being honest and taking care of yourself, and that includes sex, or the lack thereof. if that is how you feel. That is all valid.

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