getting outed

[elizabeth17]

hi so im an ace person and am also currently questioning if im agender. I'm currently in college and im out in college but im not out to my family (i go to school in my hometown so it makes this a little trickier). i had planned to come out to my family, but shortly after realizing my orientation my grandfather died and my younger sister failed out of college and had to move back in with our parents. I wanted to come out because i wanted to be able to tell them about my partner who i love very much but i get repulsed when people think im having sex (my parents would be like use protection, are you having sex?, etc, etc in a loving but for me terrible way). But, upon everything in my family kind of going to shit I decided not to tell them im ace until stuff calms down a little.

Enter gender identity crisis/weird dysphoric times. a few days after christmas i got an undercut. i wanted it because ive always wanted one and i could wear my hair down when around my family so they wouldn't be like are ya straight? so i did that and then last week went over to my house for dinner and left my hair up because i was like ah fuck it. i'll just say my hair was too thick, which it is, so i shaved part of it to make it more manageable, which is also true. And my sister is like o you shaved your head lol are youu gay now? She's not queer (that I know of) and said it in a way that was really homophobic. She then just kind of kept calling me gay in a homophobic way. I know she's trying to out me. she does this thing that when stuff is going poorly for her she just makes fun of everyone around her. So failing out of school has not helped with that. so im pretty sure she was like "ah yes elizabeth shaved her head she must be one of those gays ill be intensely homophobic towards her and also try to out her to our parents so they freak out about her instead of me" or something. 

---she doesn't know enough about queer identities to call me asexual but she's definitely aware that im not straight. i've never had a boyfriend or any partner that she knows of. --------

Idk what to do. my dad's very liberal and wouldn't care if i was ace. he even asked me if im still using she/her pronouns (i told him yes even tho i truly have no clue). however my mom is very catholic and also liberal. i don't think she would care if i were genderqueer but me being ace and telling her that im not having kids would break her heart. also if i come out i know my sister will just use it as a way to mock me and be queerphobic. i don't think my mental health is at a place where i could take that, but also will it ever while im living in constant fear of being outed? i truly don't know what to do. i want to get the sides of my undercut shaved and possibly chop off all my hair but if i do that my parents will know something's up and my sister will never stop bringing it up. i seriously feel like im damned if i do damned if i don't right now. please help im at the point where i've had to cut my family off almost completely and i hate having to do that

[Karst]

If your sister is planning to have kids, that makes it less likely that your family will freak out over you not wanting them.  I speak from personal experience here.

[elizabeth17]

5 minutes ago, Iridium said:

If your sister is planning to have kids, that makes it less likely that your family will freak out over you not wanting them.  I speak from personal experience here.

hm this is true... i don't think she can have kids because of her reproductive health (its very complicated)

i do have one other little sister maybe she will????!!?

[CierraJasmineJ]

That really sounds like it's not a great situation. Perhaps if you think your parents might be alright with your gender identity, you could come out to them about that? Like, even if you're still questioning, you can tell them that you need to do some gender exploration. Then it gives you a situation where you can cut your hair and change any other aspects of your gender expression that you might choose to? If you want to come out to them about sexuality, that's also entirely your choice, but it sounds like a difficult one. I can't fully understand the relationship between you and your sister, but perhaps if you spoke to her about it, she might understand? If she's just that ignorant, it doesn't excuse her behavior but it might explain it? But if she's genuinely homophobic, but you want to preserve the relationship you have with her, I would't have too much advice for you. Perhaps your parents could speak to her about it if you do come out to them, but I've never had a sibling so I wouldn't understand the dynamic. It's difficult the situation with you and your mom. I know that one of my fears if I come out to my parents as ace would be the concerns about children, and I'm really sorry you're in that situation, and that I've got no good advice for you on that. Congratulations on being out in college though, that can be really affirming and I hope that you have a safe space there and people you can talk to. Sorry for such a long message, I tend to ramble. However, feel free to message me if you ever just want to chat.