Exploring what is to be a switch to me

[Guest]

Anyone who's read my previous threads knows that I'm not all that happy with this "reveal". I can be a pretty anxious person, especially when it comes to having desires I don't won't. I threw up when I had a crush for fucks sake. I find that what I'm into dominance wise tends to be reflected in my submissive as well. Other than bondage/sensory deprivation/other forms of restraint and pain. I can't handle the idea of my hands being pinned against my head for an example. I can't say I know for sure I know what causes me to like re a l ly switch but I imagine it's stress. My submission seems to fall around the fact I need to fall apart. Whether it being me being knocked off into a subspace or breaking down in tears. I need some kind of release for it all. Though I imagine now I'll be able to get excited by it because I know I'm a switch and am not in denial. I'm still kinda anxious about this all and there's a chance I'll just cover this side of me within "brambles" once I'm feeling better and am more into my dominant stuff again.  I tend little to no interest in being submissive when I'm feeling good and everything just o k. I just naturally lose interest in that stuff I think. I can't say I'm 100% sure though. 

 

So I think I'm dom-leaning switch which is at least something good. The dom-leaning part anyways. I don't really have high levels of exploring my submissive side to be honest. I do quite wish that those desires didn't exist but I've heard their impossible to erase lol. I do have a small idea of what I might into sub wise though. Choking (which is going to be addressed in therapy and hopefully will fade. It's dangerous for me to have as the only way I could do it is solo. More often than not I really don't want to be in a submissive headspace and am just kinda meh with it.), some teasing degradation, rough oral, and maybe edging but when I tried it I didn't care for it too much.) I'm going to try and let myself be emotionally more expressive as more often than not I refuse to cry when I need to. I think I'm going to try meditating as well and look into stuff on how to manage anxiety. Overall I'm going to try and lessen any need or interest in the submissive part. I know some people will question or think this way of thinking is stupid and their partially right I imagine. I haven't exactly been able to find stories of people who were once subs/switches and then gradually just lose all interest and become sole doms. Submissive desires are not and never will be a bad thing. I just never wanted them for myself especially with my preference. I imagine it's going to show it's face more though now that I know I'm a switch. I have lost a good bit of anxiety with being submissive though so that's something. Though I imagine later one I might just build it back up (-_- typical me). 

 

So to those who have listened and put up with my complaining, thank you. To anyone who has seen magical occurrences of submissive desires totally disappearing go ahead and hit me lol.  

[Guest]

Ok, well I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it. I might be wrong about the dom thing being a preference at least rn. I suppose I've spent so long being dominant in my head that being more submissive is appealing because it's new. Still anxious but it's getting better. Finding a balance between being confident in these desires but maybe not as vocal about them as I am my dominant ones. Being submissive is a lot more personal after all... 

 

I think I am getting closer to accepting them. Part of me does not want to and maybe that's ok though too. I know holding on to my previous ideas could be considered more restrictive but... I suppose I'll work it out. Not to mention there are certain kinks I imagine I'd enjoy and it's making me uncomfortable too. s i g h 

[Guest]

*grabs you your face and stuffs cheese down your throat* B R E A T H 

5 hours ago, KrysLost said:

To anyone who has seen magical occurrences of submissive desires totally disappearing go ahead and hit me lol.  

For a moment I thought I had the wrong thread. 

 

 

[Guest]

But anyway why dont you explore more and maybe you may find kinks that are more enjoyable then well those two. And focus on the safer ones?

[Guest]

8 hours ago, GatsbyGirl said:

But anyway why dont you explore more and maybe you may find kinks that are more enjoyable then well those two. And focus on the safer ones?

I don't think I have any healthy way to manage them. I need to either lose the kinks or the submission. Killing my libido might have to happen as I don't think I'll be able to manage any of this in a healthy context. As someone who didn't enjoy pain or humiliation until now (or it was just suppressed and unexplored), this is very distressing. 

[Abigail Rose]

I just want to say I think it is awesome that you feel comfortable enough to talk about something so personal. It can be really hard to know what to do about your feelings sometimes. Thinking about how things might feel before we do them is perfectly natural and necessary for personal growth in my opinion. Killing part of yourself off is only going to make it more difficult for the rest of you to thrive. I personally think you should embrace it but have a plan. 

[Guest]

40 minutes ago, Silence4now said:

I just want to say I think it is awesome that you feel comfortable enough to talk about something so personal. It can be really hard to know what to do about your feelings sometimes. Thinking about how things might feel before we do them is perfectly natural and necessary for personal growth in my opinion. Killing part of yourself off is only going to make it more difficult for the rest of you to thrive. I personally think you should embrace it but have a plan. 

They will likely kill me. I don't have the best mental health and if I get off to pain then I'll probably end up self harming.