What questions should I ask?

[curiouser]

Hi! I'm new to this site. Well, new to the forums -- I've read things from the main page of asexuality.org but only just realized there were forums. Fantastic. :)

I had originally written a longer post, but I'm nervous about posting private things publically on the internet, so I'll keep this relatively impersonal.

What I want to know, from asexuals who have come out (or started questioning) while in a relationship with a sexual person, is what questions were/are helpful from your SO?

Long story short: I am sexual (and female, for what that's worth). I am not sure if my girlfriend is asexual or not, and I want to know what would be good, non-pressuring questions to help her figure things out. She seems to be frustrated by her own hesitance (and her lack of understanding of it), and so the particular question I have in mind is "Do you want to be sexual with me, or do you want to want to be sexual with me?" Does that sound reasonable? Any other suggestions?

Thank you so much!

[Placebo]

Welcome! Let there be cake!!!

:cake:

I'm not sexual, nor am I in a relationship with a sexual person, so I'm probably not going to be much help. But, obviously, this is your relationship and you know this person better than any of us do. Would she mind being asked such a question? And if you were to ask her such a question, or any other, would it matter to you or her how she answered? And where would you two go from there?

I guess the point is. . . let's say that you ask her or have a discussion with her and whatnot, and it turns out that she IS asexual. It's not like she's now put into a box and categorized, and that all of her questions and hesitancies and whatnot will be answered. She's still going to be the person she always was, and since people, asexual or not, are tremendously diverse in their attitudes towards relationships, sex, intimacy and touching, not to mention everything else under the sun, you guys will probably still be discussing things and working through things in your relationship. Perhaps answering this question will help, perhaps it won't.

I suppose the more important question to answer in your own mind, before you talk to her, is what sort of message you want to convey to her. Do you think she's asexual and seeing this website (for example) would help her to answer questions about herself? Do you want to tell her that her hesitancy is OK? That it's a problem? Something else entirely?

I'm not clear, from your post, what your overall idea is for wanting to start this conversation. However, that's not a big deal because I'm not the one that is having the conversation anyway. I suppose your best bet would be to go with your gut instinct, given your understanding of your relationship.

Good luck!

[OneRedRose]

You don't really say if your girlfriend is familiar with asexuality and/or this site. If she's not, I would suggest pointing her towards it and letting her read and think about it. I know that before I found it, I thought there was just something wrong with me and it bothered me that I wasn't into sex. Maybe it would help her just to know that other people are the same.

[curiouser]

Thanks for the cake! (I've noticed that in other posts by newbies... is there a story?? :))

Heh, maybe I should've just posted my longer post - it might've made things clearer. Thanks for the responses.

I emailed her the link to this website a while ago but she hasn't told me if she looked at it. I want to bring up the topic again soon and intend to ask her if she's checked out the site...

As for what I'm hoping to achieve by asking her questions: two things, I think. For one thing, I know that she is confused about her reaction to, and (dis/)interest in sexual situations - she has been in one relationship previously and encountered similar troubles. I know that nothing about her is going to change if she has a label. I think the problem that she is having is that she is not sure whether she INHERENTLY does not enjoy being physical, or whether there is something (emotionally, mentally) in the way. I would like to be of any help that I can in her figuring this out.

The second thing is my own need to have a sexual relationship. If she does determine that she is inherently asexual, then we will have to figure out if the relationship can work for us, and if so, work together to compromise (I know there are plenty of threads here that I/we could look to for guidance :)). If she is not asexual, then I will want to encourage her to talk about what she thinks she needs to feel more comfortable with being sexual with me. Point being, I don't want to make the assumption that she WILL (actively) want to be sexual with me at some point, and that there are things I can do to help that happen. I first want to know whether she (actively) wants to be sexual, or whether that is just not a part of her. Does this make any sense?

edit: Placebo, your question about what I want to convey to her is also a good one. I think what I want to convey to her is that I think she may be asexual and not aware that this is okay. I want to convey to her that although I am sexual, and would be happy if she were also sexual, it is more important to me that she know who she is, and be in a relationship that allows her to be comfortable. I also want to convey that if she is sexual, or wants to experiment to see if she is, I am happy to move slowly, but that it is important to me that she eventually figure out for herself whether she is inherently sexual or not, because it is important to me that she not be doing things just because she feels like she "should" or that it's "normal."

[Placebo]

Thanks for the cake! (I've noticed that in other posts by newbies... is there a story?? :))

I'm sure there is, but I'm a newbie, too, so I don't know what it is explicitly. I DO know that it's famous, non-fattening, delicious and non-guilt making. It's probably not addictive, either, but I'm not sure on that one. Lots of people that eat it tend to stick around.

Point being, I don't want to make the assumption that she WILL (actively) want to be sexual with me at some point, and that there are things I can do to help that happen. I first want to know whether she (actively) wants to be sexual, or whether that is just not a part of her. Does this make any sense?

edit: Placebo, your question about what I want to convey to her is also a good one. I think what I want to convey to her is that I think she may be asexual and not aware that this is okay. I want to convey to her that although I am sexual, and would be happy if she were also sexual, it is more important to me that she know who she is, and be in a relationship that allows her to be comfortable. I also want to convey that if she is sexual, or wants to experiment to see if she is, I am happy to move slowly, but that it is important to me that she eventually figure out for herself whether she is inherently sexual or not, because it is important to me that she not be doing things just because she feels like she "should" or that it's "normal."

Obviously you care a lot about her and want to make sure she's happy and whatnot. I would give it your best shot. Hopefully she's open minded about that fact that it's not necessarily a bad thing to be an asexual, so she doesn't deny it if she thinks that she is or might be. It sounds like you just want her to be aware that it's OK to be different than what's socially accepted, and the work through the relationship with an open means of communication. And, from what I've read around here, it seems like relationships DO work best if everyone feels like they can communicate their wants/needs--regardless of whether the relationship involves 1, 2 or no asexuals.

Going back to your most original-most question:

To me, your question sounds OK. Once you ask that though, maybe have some back up questions to explore whatever answers you get more deeply.

Like, maybe, her feelings about sex--what specifically is she nervous/not nervous about?

What are her feelings about sex more akin to: disgust vs disinterest vs lack of intimacy (and all that's been bandied around here quite a bit recently, so you could perhaps get some good thoughts from some of those posts for directions to take the conversation)

Also, another valid answer to her question could just be that she doesn't WANT to be sexual, period, but she's nervous of telling you that. So, I guess be aware that the answers you get will likely be open ended.

You could ask if she wants to continue advancing, but to take things slowly, or just halt at your current level of intimacy without proceeding for a while. I'm not suggesting to break up, but it sounds like some people dislike the fact that at a certain level of intimacy, there's an expectation that the next step MUST be taken. Make her aware that that's not necessarily required. (assuming that's OK with you, of course.)

Of course, some people would not be cool with just saying, "I'm going to go this far and no farther" (ie, no sex) so be aware of yourself as well in your conversation. What compromises are you OK with? For how long? Two weeks? Two years? Indefinitely?

Overall, make sure your main point gets across--your concern for her well being. Be open-minded and encourage open mindedness from her, and hopefully everything will go great! It sounds like you guys have a pretty good relationship, so best of luck to you. And take some more cake, too. . .

Sorry this post is so long. Obviously I'm coming at this from an asexual viewpoint, so probably you and other sexuals would think of this differently. Hopefully it helps; if not, disregard it.

[curiouser]

It sounds like you just want her to be aware that it's OK to be different than what's socially accepted

Definitely. Which I don't *think* would be too much of a stretch for her. She is already a very open-minded person. And, clearly, has had definite experience with being in a non-traditional realationship by being involved with another woman. She is admirably solid in her determination to do what is right for her, regardless of what others might think (this is part of why I like her!). At this point I think she is just conflicted and confused about this particular part of life (in what is so easily portrayed as an aspect of relationships that is consistent among everyone...when that's obivously not the case!).

To me, your question sounds OK. Once you ask that though, maybe have some back up questions to explore whatever answers you get more deeply.

Like, maybe, her feelings about sex--what specifically is she nervous/not nervous about?

For sure. One thing I've also thought about asking is "What specifically is going through your mind when you are trying to be physical?" (since she has talked about feeling not-quite-right in the past; the two of us together have not gone far at all, and she has assured me that she has been comfortable with what we've done.)

What are her feelings about sex more akin to: disgust vs disinterest vs lack of intimacy

Good way to put it. I will try phrasing it that way. Thanks.

Of course, some people would not be cool with just saying, "I'm going to go this far and no farther" (ie, no sex) so be aware of yourself as well in your conversation. What compromises are you OK with? For how long? Two weeks? Two years? Indefinitely?

I understand the gravity of this sort of "ultimatum" situation. I'm going to have to be very honest with myself -- before I can even bring up that question with her -- about what compromises I am okay with. Being honest with oneself can be so hard... but I am going to try my best, for my own sake and for hers.

Obviously I'm coming at this from an asexual viewpoint, so probably you and other sexuals would think of this differently. Hopefully it helps; if not, disregard it.

Heh! I don't think you think of it differently at all! This is much more a question about relationships than about sex itself. And even to the extent that it it is about sex itself, your viewpoint as an asexual is exactly what I am looking for, since that is not a viewpoint I can understand innately. Many thanks for your advice. :)