Rant (an aro ace guy’s perspective)

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

So I felt like just kinda pouring some stuff out and I often feel too uncomfortable venting to my friends, it could be a social anxiety thing. I’m not asking for responses but I’m always open to them and conversations about things.

 

So for starters, I just feel out of place everywhere. My friends seem to have their particular groups meanwhile I can never really find something that’s like “that’s me.” I consider myself queer as an aro ace and my closest friend group is composed of a bunch of bisexual peeps in which I’m the only cis male of the group. They like to call themselves the gays. I feel left out from even a group of other people who are queer like me because I’m not “gay” in any way. It doesn’t help when I’m reminded through quotes like “the gays and then there’s (my name).” I can’t even relate to them on the level of politics, music choices, or experiences which they all seem to share. They actually seem to find mine as jokes. So it’s like, where do I actually fit in?

 

My high school is a very liberal one but that’s probably because of it being so small and meant to graduate students with associates degrees. It attracts a lot of mature people. Outside of school, straight guys make me uncomfortable. Just walking around as dudes are up and down the streets can make me relive a history of homophobically being judged by straight guys, including my dad who has raised me on homophobic related principles. There are certain fashion styles that I associate with straight guy culture of hypermasculinity. When I walk by young adults or other teenagers that have these fashion styles, my social anxiety shoots through the roof with the skin-crawling feeling  of so much judgement being mentally thrown my way. 

 

I’m homosensual with bad experiences with intimacy. An example was when I was maybe about 11 and I was on the summer camp bus next to a friend I had recently made. He fell asleep on my shoulder, likely by accident, but I felt it as a sign of a strong friendship and appreciation at the time. All the kids on the bus apparently disagreed as there was an uproar of laughter when they saw my friend leaning on me, asleep like that. I got super embarrassed and it was experiences such as this that make me innately reluctant to any type of physical intimacy outside my blood family, especially when it comes to other guys. I’m sure it doesn’t help with me being aro ace with no experiences with partners.

 

I would seriously like to actually have a partner but the odds of finding a someone who’s interested in neither romance nor sex seem very slim. This is especially considering that I’m homosensual and really only down to be with a guy who wants cuddles and embracement. I just want a friend who I can feel comfortable being physically intimate with and that actually considers my emotional well-being unlike a lot of my current friends. Being able to share the rest of my life with this type of person sounds like a dream to me.

 

I wish more people actually understood asexuality rather than just “they don’t like people.” It’s much more complicated than that and the fact that people don’t know this yet makes my life so much harder. I’m not trying to be expressing who I think is hella cute or a hottie while people are side eyeing me for my asexuality. It doesn’t help that I feel like I gotta come out of the closet everyday because people assume that I’m straight. I feel like the coming out process would be much easier if I could just say “I’m gay” or “I’m bi” but nah, I’d actually have to full out say “I’m asexual and aromantic.” I’ve tried sugar coding it to avoid how uncomfortable it makes me feel stating the full out names for my identity + explaining it but it’s to no prevail. It just leads to them now seeing me as a straight guy with relationship problems. I’m sure most people would get gist of it if I’ve solely said I was asexual but I don’t want to contribute to the stigma that asexuality and aromanticism are the same thing. Another thing about the situation is that I don’t like the thought of people assuming that I’m under a label (such as gay or straight) that really isn’t mine. I’d prefer so very much if people understood my identity as if I just had the labels and descriptions hanging above my head which seems to be the case when it comes to feminine gay guys and butches (that aren’t part of the ace or aro community).

 

If you made it this far, thanks for actually caring so much about my day to day life. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’m open to most things even despite it being more of a venting post

[- Saph -]

You are valid and the world is thankfully bigger than your current relationship circle.

4 hours ago, Star Lion said:

I feel like the coming out process would be much easier if I could just say “I’m gay” or “I’m bi” but nah, I’d actually have to full out say “I’m asexual and aromantic.” I’ve tried sugar coding it to avoid how uncomfortable it makes me feel stating the full out names for my identity + explaining it but it’s to no prevail. It just leads to them now seeing me as a straight guy with relationship problems. I’m sure most people would get gist of it if I’ve solely said I was asexual but I don’t want to contribute to the stigma that asexuality and aromanticism are the same thing. Another thing about the situation is that I don’t like the thought of people assuming that I’m under a label (such as gay or straight) that really isn’t mine. I’d prefer so very much if people understood my identity as if I just had the labels and descriptions hanging above my head which seems to be the case when it comes to feminine gay guys and butches (that aren’t part of the ace or aro community).

Some people can give you these 'you are just crazy or confused' invalidating comments even when you are obviously atypical. If you feel invalidated, you can drop them a hint that you don't agree then just let it go. Have a laugh about it. Tell yourself that they may understand you better one day.

 

I would not envy the clear types. Looking the part has pros and cons but it is not everything. People who try hard just to advertise their identity seem a bit cliché to me. I personally find it more interesting when there is more than what meets the eye. Would you post everything in Public mode on Fakebook? Similarly when you will be on the work market, you will be happy to be able to control the disclosure of your identity to only the folks that deserve to know.

 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

5 hours ago, Saphoune said:

You are valid and the world is thankfully bigger than your current relationship circle.

Thank you. This is my last semester of high school and I’m going to be moving out of state soon, so hopefully this’ll be my chance to actually make better friends that I can fully appreciate

 

5 hours ago, Saphoune said:

Some people can give you these 'you are just crazy or confused' invalidating comments even when you are obviously atypical. If you feel invalidated, you can drop them a hint that you don't agree then just let it go. Have a laugh about it. Tell yourself that they may understand you better one day.

I’ve actually had this before, even after making it clear at the very least that I’m not straight. It’s definitely a laugh but disappointing none of the less

 

5 hours ago, Saphoune said:

I would not envy the clear types. Looking the part has pros and cons but it is not everything. People who try hard just to advertise their identity seem a bit cliché to me. I personally find it more interesting when there is more than what meets the eye. Would you post everything in Public mode on Fakebook? Similarly when you will be on the work market, you will be happy to be able to control the disclosure of your identity to only the folks that deserve to know.

Fair enough. I’d still prefer either way if I didn’t have to explain myself so often for people to actually understand me. That’s why I enjoy interacting with the online ace community because they already know what’s up

[twetzel59]

I, too, feel left out in LGBT+ circles.

 

I hope things improve for you after high school.

[Firefly8]

I'm also an oriented type of aro ace, but female & pan rather than male & gay. It's hard finding people who understand, much less care to understand. You sound like you have a solid head on your shoulders and maybe a new environment will help. Don't try to let bad past experiences define your future. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

29 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

I'm also an oriented type of aro ace, but female & pan rather than male & gay. It's hard finding people who understand, much less care to understand. You sound like you have a solid head on your shoulders and maybe a new environment will help. Don't try to let bad past experiences define your future. 

Thanks, I’m really trying not have my future define by the past. I’ve been going through experience after experience to rework my brain and get rid of the bull that other people have instilled in my head throughout my childhood. Part of this is the new environment thing you mentioned. I’m moving out of state for my first time once this last year of high school is over. I’m really hoping to make more caring friends, start over the image that people perceive of me, feel a lot more comfortable being the person I have grown into over the past few years, meet people of my identities, and maybe even stumble upon the person that I’ll one day call my partner

[Guest]

On 1/24/2020 at 7:28 AM, Star Lion said:

Thank you. This is my last semester of high school and I’m going to be moving out of state soon, so hopefully this’ll be my chance to actually make better friends that I can fully appreciate

College (or wherever you're going next) is a great opportunity to let go of any negative social experience you had before and focus on meeting people who understand and respect your identities. For instance, I had almost no friends in high school, but I met almost my entire group of close friends in the first week of college.

 

Have fun in the next phase of your life!