Reconnecting with a friend

[communityabed]

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[mausgrau]

Maybe you don't need to rehash the past? Also, your message seems to consist mostly of meta-communication (talking about talking), and that can be a bit tiresome, sometimes. If it were me, I'd just thank him for his birthday wishes, say that I'm glad he reached out, and then just go ahead and and talk a little bit "about normal stuff" like you say, nothing too personal and no badgering -- showing/doing, not telling.

 

You dig?

[communityabed]

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[Rynn]

Moved from Romantic and Aromantic Orientations to Off-A

Laurann, 

moderator

[HonoraryJedi]

So, first, if you want to reconnect, then the advice above is, from what I can understand, the correct way. If there was an activity you used to do that might be a little easier to ask about, if you can be like "hey, want to meet up for coffee?" Or "Hey, up for playing that video game?" and then see if you get positive response back. Otherwise, yeah, do back off for a bit. It sounds like he is trying to create some space, and the best thing you can do, to show that you can be a good friend, is to respect that space. And yeah, real easy for me to say. If my best friends suddenly ghosted me for months I would cry a lot. But something can suck and still be the correct thing to do.

 

But more importantly, I think you may have to expect that it won't necessarily go back to how it used to be. You may have to let it go. The reason I say this is because this started, not with your loaded email, but with the fact that they had not contacted you in three months. It's a little like saying a fight started when someone punched back. Something was already going on there. I'm sure the email didn't help matters, but from what I can understand, your friend had already started distancing himself from you. Even if you had played your hand perfectly, it's not certain it would have helped.

 

What I mean with that is, it may come to that you have to accept that you just exchange birthday greetings. But you don't have to live forever in regret. This isn't about just one bad email. You don't need to feel that guilty.

[communityabed]

Thanks. I have reconciled myself to not hearing from him ever again. I did not receive any reply from him. I need to work on myself and stop being clingy and needy. And, definitely not get mixed up in any sort of relationships/friendships ever again. Here's to solitude.

[HonoraryJedi]

2 hours ago, communityabed said:

And, definitely not get mixed up in any sort of relationships/friendships ever again

That... sounds worrying. Surely, you don't mean that you intend to never have friends again? I mean, the intention here was that putting less effort into the distant friend would give you more time and energy to put into different or new relationships. To find some other people who actively want to hang out with you.

[communityabed]

15 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

That... sounds worrying. Surely, you don't mean that you intend to never have friends again? I mean, the intention here was that putting less effort into the distant friend would give you more time and energy to put into different or new relationships. To find some other people who actively want to hang out with you.

I do mean that. I become this stupid, wishy-washy, anxious sort of person trying to keep everyone happy in order to fit in. I don't have an identity of my own. I don't want to be that way. I like being by myself where I can do what I please.

[Acing It]

On 1/31/2020 at 8:42 AM, communityabed said:

I don't have an identity of my own

There it is, I think.

I used to be the same and I took a lot of time out to settle into who I am, discovering I'm asexual at the same time.

Be careful what you wish for. Not ever having friends can lead to a really unhealthy solitude and depression, even if you're an introvert. And even though it may feel like it's better than struggling through friendships, in solitude it's hard to grow and develop your personality in a way you could with other people. People are generally most attracted to someone who is at ease with themself and you may feel you come across as clingy, so can the other person and keep their distance at the same time.

I'm not dissimilar to you and it's a realy struggle, which is exhausting. I don't have any friends and haven't had any friends for a decade now, for my own personal reasons. Please don't go there. It gets harder and harder to make friends. However hard it is, I'm now not cutting myself off from other people and try and challenge myself into difficult situations so I can eventually have some good healthy friendships.

I used to long for a friend who could stick with me and help me get better, but ultimately everyone has their limits and that doesn't work. Friends can't be your crutch or therapist, even though they may help from time to time. Getting to know yourself and your identity better, which you definitetly have, by doing activities that challenge you could be better than locking yourself away from people. Only you can decide, though, and it's not easy but will hopefully bear fruit.

[Abigail Rose]

Write the letter exactly the way you want to say it. I sometimes take a highlighter to a letter and mark anything I feel like I'm saying more for my sake than their's. I take all of that out and read it again. In a case like this, you may find it helpful.