Does your gender define you

[Beanie7]

Hi. Ive lately had a lot of thought about gender and gender stereotypes. To me i find it very strange that genders are kept segregated in so many ways (clothing, activities, interests). I am not saying in any way that there are things you have to do and like if you are a certain gender but we have been wired to think and assume things about people just based off their gender. Im really wondering if your gender changes and affects who you are fundamentally. When i think of myself the first things i think of are my age, my interests my relationships. When i imagine myself a boy i cannot see my personality being any different. Gender to me is just that i happen to have certain anatomy and is not something that particularly defines me. There are also a lot of things society associates with being a girl like makeup and dresses and pink, all of which i think are dumb. I am not born liking pink because i have a vagina. I actually dislike all of the things i just listed. I feel gender sometimes seems very associated with things unrelated to just plain anatomy. I no way am i trying to offend anyone and im very sorry if i have.  i just want to know, does a persons gender even really matter or contribute to who they are and how they act? If there is anyone here who is trans or questioning their gender,  what made you feel you were another gender and why, and what does gender mean to you?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Im not trans/non binary but these are my 2 cents.

 

Personally, I am annoyed many times by the mentality and attitude taken based on gender and I see it alot still especially when men are arbitrarily chosen to do a physically heavier task,  to put an example, just because of the fact that they are men. 

 

Or how men are all supposed to be tough, unemotional robots which then get judged if they behave as such but dont behave thay way and suddenly everyone has a problem because youre not "man enough" 

 

I have never really been "one of the guys" so to speak because I disagree with many things that men are "supposed" to do, which has led many times to other men "helping out" because they somehow thing that something is going to magically click in my head and I will do the same idiotic things they do.

 

[anisotrophic]

Not unless you want it to?

 

Ok more complicated answer: you are a person that interacts with other people. You have little control over them. They may perceive you as more likely to have qualities they associate with a gender, if that’s the gender they believe you to be, even if you do not have that perception internally.

 

Telling them otherwise has limited efficacy in changing their beliefs — that can be true even if they want to honor it. (Think about how you perceive the gender of others: perhaps you’re able to be completely oblivious to it, but that’s ... probably not true. You can try taking an implicit association test to test yourself on gender bias.)

[anisotrophic]

3 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

men are arbitrarily chosen to do a physically heavier task,  to put an example, just because of the fact that they are men

I am getting a lot stronger with T (it’s literally taking steroids); so of all the things to assign to men, this would seem to be a fair one?

 

5 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

men are all supposed to be tough, unemotional robots

I’ve also lost most of my ability to cry.

 

I miss that. Not terribly but... wistfully.

 

The effect of hormonal transition varies a lot on the person, sometimes crying is unaffected. But when it is, people almost always report this direction (trans women can cry more).

[Guest]

My gender dysphoria defines what I wear... and anything physically you could think of.

[Starbogen]

I think gender doesn't define you but it can have a huge impact on how someone sees of themselves and how other people see them and interact with them, which in turn can impact someone's actions and choices, which then shapes who they can become as person. So imo no it doesn't define you but it still usually matters on some level when it comes to the experiences you'll have and the paths in life and your personal developement and view of yourself that you will form based on those experiences.

 

In my case, I'm trans and my personality is the same as before I figured out I was trans except that I'm more comfortable with myself in a certain way so I'm more open to embracing some things that I couldn't before. (So for example before I rejected a lot of feminine things not because I actually disliked them but because I didn't want to be seen as female, but not that I won't be seen as female I feel free to just enjoy them and express the more feminine side of my personality).

I'll admit that some of the first things that made me start questioning my gender were that I didn't have a typical feminine personality and I didn't like looking like a girl, but I also knew that those things alone didn't mean I was trans and that I could just be a "gender nonconforming girl", which is what I thought I was for a long time (though I didn't call myself that because I didn't know that term at the time, just knew it was okay for people to be non-girly girls).

 

But I guess what really made me feel like me being a gender nonconforming transguy made more sense than being a gender nonconforming cisgirl was that the more I changed my presentation to look more masculine the more I started to pass as a guy, and I really liked that and wanted it to happen all the time. I spent some time questioning my gender while also just doing the things that made me feel better (like making myself look more masc) and everything just kinda gradually added up. It wasn't just that I wasn't "a girly girl" or even just that I didn't like wearing female clothes or hairstyles or whatever. It was that I didn't want female parts, and I actively made an attempt to be seen as male and felt good when it happened.

 

I watched this video once of a woman who has a very masculine style and she looks like a guy, but she's a cis woman. That's just the way she likes to look but it doesn't mean she wants people to think of her as a guy, and whenever someone would think that it just made her uncomfortable, because she's not a guy. 

So basically the way I figured it out was because I had body dyphoria and social dysphoria and once I started passing I realized this made a lot more sense to me. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Starbogen said:

 

gender nonconforming

Query: Who in the actual hell came up with this? Doesn't the whole gender-nonconforming thing just add on to the stereotypes? Why can't it can be blah blah I do like, I like this. There ain't shit for dicks or tits. Blah BLah blAH. 

 

 

ok im done

[Starbogen]

27 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Query: Who in the actual hell came up with this? Doesn't the whole gender-nonconforming thing just add on to the stereotypes? Why can't it can be blah blah I do like, I like this. There ain't shit for dicks or tits. Blah BLah blAH. 

 

 

ok im done

Eh idk, I get your point but it's also just a quick way of saying "most people think I'm weird when it comes to gender related things because I don't follow the usual conventions" if that makes sense XD I just see it as an adjective to describe an aspect of myself, like saying "masculine, feminine, neutral, androgynous", same idea.

[Paca ermito]

My gender definitely doesn't define me (to me).  I have many characteristics which are stereotypically considered "feminine", including strong empathy, a dislike for conflict, competition and violence, and a tendency to cry pretty easily.  I also have some characteristics which are stereotypically considered "masculine", including a tendency to address many problems in a very rational manner and being somewhat reticent about sharing my inner thoughts and feelings, especially with people that I do not know well.  Of course, none of these traits are actually tied to gender.

 

I have never felt any physical dysphoria regarding my XY (male) body.  On the other hand, once I reached an age where I was being considered a "man" as opposed to a "boy", I realized that I did feel quite a bit of discomfort about being identified as a man because it might lead to people assuming that I had the characteristics that my culture associates with "men", many of which I find quite alarming.  I have never particularly wished to have a female body, but I think that if I did, I would be slightly more comfortable with people's general assumptions about me.

 

But really, I don't want anyone to make assumptions about me based on my genitalia--whatever it may be.  And I don't feel a strong association with either masculine or feminine, as they are typically conceived in my society, which is why I identify as agender.

[Guest]

No, it defines me about as much as my eye colour does.

[Galactic Turtle]

I honestly have no personal concept of gender that exists separately from physical sex and grew up thinking of those things as synonymous. Because of that, when just thinking of myself, I do not separate the two. While my sex might not define me, it certainly plays a large factor in determining my reality just like my race, my nationality, and my socioeconomic class.

 

There are stereotypes and social expectations placed upon me because of my perceived sex. I am treated a certain way because of my perceived sex. There was an automatic attempt to socialize me a certain way because of my perceived sex. I know all of this but also live in a time where defying expectations to a pretty liberal degree isn't unusual.

 

However if I had issues with my body it would play a different role in my daily reality. A friend of mine had an eating disorder in high school and ten years later she's still hyper aware of things I've never even thought of. A friend of mine from college is a trans woman and she latches onto feminine stereotypes like a lifeline to distract from her physical reality so she can function that day.

[SithLord]

I have no idea how I would be different if I were suddenly a dude. Having male genitalia wouldn't change anything, but to suddenly feel like a dude? No idea. I can tell you for certain if I were born a dude so much would be different, female genitalia or no. I don't know how my interests might be different, or my clothing habits, or my preferences. 

 

The things for me that fit stereotypical femininity might change, though. I have a huge problem with peer pressure and social pressure. Like I began to shave my legs originally because of social acceptance concerns, and even though I still shave them because I've grown to dislike body hair, I can likely assume that if I were suddenly a guy and wanting a male body, I would no longer shave because of the stigma against men shaving. I'd also probably delve more fully into the parts of me that are already fairly masculine, like my love of action and gratuitous violence, but would veer farther away from my consumption of yaoi and romance. 

Omg, what if I no longer enjoyed writing fanfic? Would that be good or bad? Would it finally push be back towards making original stuff? Not that my stuff was good, but it was at least original. Would I still write fanfic? Would it suddenly become an outlet for my femininity like how it began as a way for me to express my otaku-ness and sexual interests? WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BECOME?!

 

 

Sorry, to summarize, I think who I am is very determined by my gender, but it is impossible to tell how much because I am my gender. I can't separate it from myself. Even if my genitalia changed, my mind wouldn't. Even if I attempted to or succeeded in presenting as male, my inner self wouldn't change. I am me. 

[Bzztoh]

I define me. Being male is part of me, Some assumptions about males are correct for me, others are not. If someone wants to know me, looking beyond the assumptions about males (or Dutch, accountants, generation X, catholics, computer nerds) is helpful. But if you just want to interact fast it is statistically smart to start with the assumptions.

[R_1]

Can't say I align with gender roles. If anything, at glance and looking at stereotypes, I am more female than male. But, I do not believe in gender roles or stereotypes. I just see my own body I was "given" and I go by male.

[PoeciMeta]

I entered this thread with a ''nah, not really'' mindset, but apparently this about gender norms. So my answer is a firm no. Your gender doesn't and shouldn't determine what you can like or be interested in. 

However, it's still true that many of us are conditioned and even pressured to conform to these gender norms, so someone's gender does indirectly affect that. There's also the fact that, when you have gender dysphoria, it's harder to appreciate things associated with the (assigned) gender that makes you feel dysphoric. If you want to pass as a certain gender, you may have to follow its stereotypes, that's the sad truth. But, as an agender, I totally think someone's gender shouldn't determine much about their personality. 

[Unleash the Echidnas]

10 hours ago, Beanie7 said:

i just want to know, does a persons gender even really matter or contribute to who they are and how they act?

My experiences generally match the pattern of the other replies. If you're cis it's probably less of an issue than if you're not. I'm genderqueer, grew up in an environment where that was not OK, and have a suicide attempt and 15 years of chronic depression to show for it. It's not a dramatic thing now but dysphoria is something I feel most days and, if it goes away for a while, I start to get weirded out because it's so fundamental to who I am. I'm inclined to it by nature, I think, but a major part of why I'm demi-grey is this body I got doesn't match very well with my brain. Makes being intimate super stressful and something I'm only willing to do with someone I'm really close to and totally trust.

 

As has been mentioned lots of times on AVEN, not being sexual increases the chances of being single. Which, in turn, means you're less likely to have the greater financial security and cost sharing of a two income household and to be more reliant on friends for help. Definitely makes it harder to buy a house where I live at the moment and, in general, my paired up friends have an easier time budgeting for things like airplane flights to see family or for a vacation far away. So, while I don't think economics fundamentally influences who you are, its intersection with gender can definitely influence how you act. I'd also suggest that, in a statistical sense, presenting female typically meaning getting paid less for the same work is rather significant. Especially added up over a lifetime.

 

11 hours ago, Beanie7 said:

What made you feel you were another gender and why, and what does gender mean to you?

When I was small there were the boys and the girls and me. It just simply never occurred to me I was expected to be a boy or a girl. I was pretty confused about what was going on until puberty started making some decisions for me. Then I was just miserable. Once I got to uni there was LGB awareness but not TQI. I kind of got filed under bi even though that never made much sense. It took me a ridiculously long time to disentangle romantic attraction, sexual attraction, and gender (if AVEN had been around then it would have been a zillion times easier). So gender's been a chronically problematic thing in my life and it shouldn't be any surprise I often wish I could just turn it off. Since that isn't possible I mostly do things which aren't particularly gendered.

[Janus the Fox]

Gender isn’t my personality so it isn’t and shouldn’t be defined by it.  I like what I like and comfortable with for myself and not defined by any of societies ideals.

[Acing It]

I think it's hard not to be affected at some level, even if it doesn't define you. Gender is so deeply, deeply permeated within most elements of society that it's hard to escape. I'm not massively gendered but even I make involuntary assumptions when meeting someone and before catching myself doing so a split second later. I often wonder what goes unnoticed. I think gender defines us to the extent that we allow others define us. Others for whom gender is almost an obsession (viewed from the perspective of someone who doesn't fit in) try and define us, pigeon hole us and frame us in. We can escape this to some extent but not entirely I think. Even a reaction to is a consequence of allowing gender to define who you are. I've recently been looking at and noticing how stupidly gendered everything is. This, for instance, doesn't make sense to me:

https://www.cotswoldoutdoor.com/p/petzl-womens-elia-helmet-F1312100.html?colour=2922

I can understand that someone's climbing helmet needs to accommodate their ponytail. What about men with ponytails. And using long or thick hair as an argument for having a different model is a non argument. Just buy the size that fits you and your hair.

And then there's this monstrosity: https://www.amazon.co.uk/BiC-Her-Ball-Pen-Black/dp/B004FTF6H4

and so much more... From toothpaste https://www.colgate.dk/app/ColgateOralCare/Toothpaste/MaxWhiteOne/DK/Products/Toothpaste/Men.cwsp

to glasses (I'll make my own mind up, thank you opticians!)

 

People who fall for this kind of rubbish allow themselves to be defined by their gender. But... for the same money, you would need to be made of strong stuff if you're a 'manly man' and walk around town wearing a dress.

[Just Somebody]

From a psychossociological point of view, your gender identity is just a name/label/word for the sociocultural historical group/category of people you feel happy or comfortable considering yourself a part of or represented by (what "identifies with" means) at a given moment.

 

 

[Zagadka]

I've come to the conclusion that I am entirely detached from a gender identity. I just don't associate with it. I don't know what that means, but I do know that I feel a lot more free to like what I like without worrying about it. It isn't even a strong enough disassociation to have an identity, it is near apathy. The connection in my head between my gender and my identity just isn't something I feel.

[ColeHW34]

Nope.

[anzu2snow]

I don't think it defines people. However, it's like an aspect or part of someone. I'm agender, so having no gender is weird in a society that stresses it so much. Like you mentioned, everything is divided up into certain ways binary genders should behave, look, like, etc. That was alienating growing up. Even among binary genders, everyone's different. They have their own personalities and thoughts. Their genders do color their perspective, though. I felt 'different' from an early age. Didn't have the vocabulary for it at the time. I always wondered why in daycare (I think I noticed when I was 4 or 5?) kids were being separated into 2 groups, discouraged from certain toys, treating us different, etc. I wondered why we couldn't just do or like what ever we wanted. Eventually, I tried to act the part of the group they threw me in. I thought everyone was acting. Like, it was a play. I tried to get really into it back in junior high and high school. It felt so fake and exhausting keeping my 'character' up all the time. Once I realized I was agender, I felt like I could truly be who I was. I don't 'feel' feminine or masculine, either. I see that stuff as styles. With clothing (like one's labeled men's or women's), they're like fun masks. I do still have dysphoria. Mainly physical, since people perceive me a certain way. Also, gendered language gets me. I probably have other forms of it. Society and how we're conditioned to see gender has had a huge role in creating my dysphoria.