Cross Stitching Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 There is so much on this forum, and AVEN has been helpful to find. I want to thank all of you for posting on here, as reading the stories and comments have been very useful. To begin, I am 27, and have been married five years to a bisexual man. To make a long story short, I found this website a week ago after my husband came up to me to have a conversation over a very difficult/but necessary discussion about our sex life. He told me that he had been doing a lot of research, and said he thought I may be asexual, or something around that, but he didn't want to label me, and instead wanted me to look into it. I did, and. . . yeah. I'm still learning all the lingo, but I think it would be fair to say that I'm a sex-neutral asexual. My husband and I had another discussion, and I told him what I had discovered about myself. He was very understanding. He told me that he wished I had known this about myself, that we could have discussed this before marriage, but that it wasn't my fault, and that he wasn't frustrated at me. He was just frustrated at the situation. I'm bringing this up to say that I feel like I have failed. I know I haven't, but I love this man deeply, and we are really close to creating a stable life for ourselves. We are very compatible except for this part. We have started to talk about different ways to make this work for the both of us, as we both highly value our marriage and relationship, and that right now divorce isn't on the table, but I want him to be happy. If divorce is in our future, I know I will have no animosity toward him. I'm sure this has been a bummer to read, and I apologize, I just wanted to get this off my chest and find some support. I don't want to be this way; I want to give my husband this, but I just can't. I've tried for our whole marriage. I'm just not into it/ I don't think about it/ I don't particularly like or dislike it. Link to post Share on other sites
Acetheist Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 Hi and welcome! 🎂🍰 I hope being on this site can help make you feel like you haven't failed (I know how much that feeling sucks) and this has absolutely not been a bummer to read! I'm not sure that I'd ever be able to be much help but if you ever need any, feel free to message me! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 Welcome! There’s a lot of options out there. Some people have tried having date nights where they plan out beforehand the dates and how far they’re willing to go on each one, others have a randomiser so that they can have sexual spontaneity in their relationships. I really like this post by Scotthespy: Quote First option I can think is to try swinging (though males without a partner present aren't always welcome in the swinging world) or open relationships. That does NOT mean cheating! It means considering for yourself whether having different relationships with different people will work for you, and then talking to your wife about if it works for HER. It may not...many people are stuck on the idea of monogamy, whether that be a natural inclination or a learned societal stigma. The thing to consider is, would having a person who isn't your wife who you could hook up with just for mutual physical gratification put stress on your relationship with your wife? If so, not an option, but if both of you are open to the idea, and can find a third who's also open, its something to consider. Another option is toys...there are SO many sex toys that have been created for men's satisfaction, and many can be used both alone and as a couple...another thing to discuss with your wife, maybe she would be interested in engaging in intimacy that didn't require her sexual bits to get involved. I've talked to some aces who enjoy the intimacy and the interaction, and are happy knowing they can cause such pleasure for their partners, so long as they don't have to engage in penetrative intercourse. This isn't an attempt at compromise, its not 'oh come on honey, you don't even have to feel anything, just do this for me!', its asking your partner if this is something she might be interested in. If not, it can easily be dropped and you can use the toys on yourself for the physical gratification at least. There are some fantastic reviews on toys for men at www.ohjoysextoy.com , just to give you a place to start looking. If there's also general emotional intimacy your feeling a craving for, there's so many ways to look into that...planning romantic date nights, or buying her little surprise gifts you know she'd enjoy but that aren't too expensive, just making more time to spend together talking about stuff. The people renting my house (who I also act as a nanny for), often take an extra hour driving home from work together just to have the time to chat without the young kids around. Pick up a hobby you can work on together - my parents were both into motorcycles - or do something silly and sweet, like write a love poem. All this, of course, dependent on what you know your wife likes...don't write poems if you know she thinks they're an awful way to show affection. Talk things out with her and ask if she has any ideas that would make her feel special, that can strengthen and bring to mind that bond of love you share. Does she enjoy cuddling and watching a movie? Or maybe camping is more her style. Anything you two can both enjoy together. Relationships ARE about compromise, if one person is sacrificing everything all the time for the other one, that's not healthy, and that's what leads to the bitterness and resentment that makes people wish they'd just left while they still had good memories. But compromise doesn't have to mean 'making my loved one a little uncomfortable to get a little of what I want'. It can mean looking for options that suit both of you and leave both of you feeling content and close. Best of luck in your endeavors! Scotthespy Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 Welcome to the forums! Making this discovery after marriage is hard. I was in a similar situation, and figured out I was asexual well after getting married to my husband and settling into a life together, but yeah sex was always a problem. I’ll admit sometimes I feel like you say, that I’m failing him being how I am, but he’s happy with me and we’re making it work. It might take some creativity, but it’ can be done and in a way that works for both parties. Discovering this about yourself can take some adjustment at first, but if it’s a part of who you are, it’s something that is just one facet of all the things that makes you your own unique and awesome self. Link to post Share on other sites
sapphireclouds Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 Hi there! AVEN is definitely the right place to look for a supportive, welcoming community. Best wishes to you and your husband! 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
WolfDreamer Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 welcome, & good luck 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
Cross Stitching Posted January 24, 2020 Author Share Posted January 24, 2020 @Lichley, thank you. That is incredibly useful. I’ll need to work through what I’m comfortable with, and will bring this up with my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Cross Stitching Posted January 24, 2020 Author Share Posted January 24, 2020 @AceMissBehaving, thank you for sharing. I’m glad you found something that works for the two of you! It’s almost a relief to hear we’re not the only ones in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 8 hours ago, Cross Stitching said: @AceMissBehaving, thank you for sharing. I’m glad you found something that works for the two of you! It’s almost a relief to hear we’re not the only ones in this situation. I think it’s pretty common, at least with aces in their 30’s up. Growing up when asexuality wasn’t ever presented as an option, I think a lot of us ended up in similar situations. The romantic aces at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Switters Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 On 1/23/2020 at 1:38 PM, Cross Stitching said: There is so much on this forum, and AVEN has been helpful to find. I want to thank all of you for posting on here, as reading the stories and comments have been very useful. To begin, I am 27, and have been married five years to a bisexual man. To make a long story short, I found this website a week ago after my husband came up to me to have a conversation over a very difficult/but necessary discussion about our sex life. He told me that he had been doing a lot of research, and said he thought I may be asexual, or something around that, but he didn't want to label me, and instead wanted me to look into it. I did, and. . . yeah. I'm still learning all the lingo, but I think it would be fair to say that I'm a sex-neutral asexual. My husband and I had another discussion, and I told him what I had discovered about myself. He was very understanding. He told me that he wished I had known this about myself, that we could have discussed this before marriage, but that it wasn't my fault, and that he wasn't frustrated at me. He was just frustrated at the situation. I'm bringing this up to say that I feel like I have failed. I know I haven't, but I love this man deeply, and we are really close to creating a stable life for ourselves. We are very compatible except for this part. We have started to talk about different ways to make this work for the both of us, as we both highly value our marriage and relationship, and that right now divorce isn't on the table, but I want him to be happy. If divorce is in our future, I know I will have no animosity toward him. I'm sure this has been a bummer to read, and I apologize, I just wanted to get this off my chest and find some support. I don't want to be this way; I want to give my husband this, but I just can't. I've tried for our whole marriage. I'm just not into it/ I don't think about it/ I don't particularly like or dislike it. I can't speak for your partner mate. But I figured out my partner was asexual. I'm really good at moving on. I love her and will stay as long as she keeps talking. Give them the chance Link to post Share on other sites
Switters Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 And give yourself the chance too to be you. Link to post Share on other sites
LeafingBooksTea Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 Similar situation to you in that I identified my asexuality after being married for some time. At first, I was sure that there was something wrong with me and that it would change or go away or something. I was sure that I had failed too. The conversations with your spouse are not going to be easy, but please keep having them. My spouse and I had the big discussion first, and that was probably the most difficult. During that time we set some guidelines and boundaries for each other according to our comfort level (this works for me, this doesn’t, etc.). We periodically check in with each other and never assume that those guidelines and boundaries will remain the same. It seems to be working for us right now. I hope you can have that kind of communication with your partner. You are not alone and you have not failed. Link to post Share on other sites
Cross Stitching Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 @LeafingBooksTea, thank you. Since our big talk we haven’t talked much about it, (It’s only been a few weeks now), but I have noticed a change in his behavior; there’s becoming a type of ease in our relationship. For example, I’ve noticed that when we cuddle close on the couch he doesn’t try to initiate anything, which always made me anxious; in the past sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t, and I always had a worried ball in my stomach wondering how I would respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Switters Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 On 1/30/2020 at 9:54 AM, LeafingBooksTea said: Similar situation to you in that I identified my asexuality after being married for some time. At first, I was sure that there was something wrong with me and that it would change or go away or something. I was sure that I had failed too. The conversations with your spouse are not going to be easy, but please keep having them. My spouse and I had the big discussion first, and that was probably the most difficult. During that time we set some guidelines and boundaries for each other according to our comfort level (this works for me, this doesn’t, etc.). We periodically check in with each other and never assume that those guidelines and boundaries will remain the same. It seems to be working for us right now. I hope you can have that kind of communication with your partner. You are not alone and you have not failed. Thank you for that. Maybe I should see if my partner wants to join (The asexual one). I'm a high functioning autist so she is on sites to help her with that. I would love to hear more. I know all people are not even close to the same but like going to a new country or even city, an impessionists view shows itself to give us an idea. I have never met an asexual who knows so I don't really have a picture. I have been around every category or sexuality and gender just not asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
LeafingBooksTea Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 15 hours ago, Switters said: Thank you for that. Maybe I should see if my partner wants to join (The asexual one). I'm a high functioning autist so she is on sites to help her with that. I would love to hear more. I know all people are not even close to the same but like going to a new country or even city, an impessionists view shows itself to give us an idea. I have never met an asexual who knows so I don't really have a picture. I have been around every category or sexuality and gender just not asexual. That’s a great way of saying it! Having the terms helps, but everyone’s situation is unique. The help comes when we can find the similarities together. Link to post Share on other sites
LeafingBooksTea Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 18 hours ago, Cross Stitching said: @LeafingBooksTea, thank you. Since our big talk we haven’t talked much about it, (It’s only been a few weeks now), but I have noticed a change in his behavior; there’s becoming a type of ease in our relationship. For example, I’ve noticed that when we cuddle close on the couch he doesn’t try to initiate anything, which always made me anxious; in the past sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn’t, and I always had a worried ball in my stomach wondering how I would respond. That’s sounds like he has at least heard you. I’m so pleased for you! That’s one of the biggest hurdles to overcome, people listening to each other. Baby steps, but important ones! Link to post Share on other sites
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