Asexuality and going to the doctor

[Kassie747]

Does anybody else feel extremely awkward and embarrassed going to the doctor? I'm of the age where they recommend pap smears, and there are always questions about sexual activity, when was the last time, etc. and I always feel like I have to explain myself and why I'm not having sex regularly. There's always talk about "the next time you do," and "are you in a relationship?" and so on. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it still makes me feel like there's something wrong with me when I have to reiterate that I don't have sex, and I don't want to. Does anyone else have the same experience?

[CierraJasmineJ]

I do feel a bit awkward when they ask. My doctor always does the whole "are you sexually active thing", as she should for an important part of health which I understand because a lot of people would answer yes to that question and it's an important discussion. I still do feel uncomfortable, I always do an awkward laugh and say no I'm not in a very longwinded and annoying way. I'm getting more comfortable with the question now, when she first started asking it in early high school it was weird. For me I guess it helps that I am interested in medicine, so I've read a lot and done some shadowing, so I feel less detached from my awkward side in that setting now. It's still weird though. I don't feel too ashamed about it personally when I'm answering the question, but I do feel somewhat embarrassed every time. I haven't ever brought up that I wouldn't be interested though, I usually just answer with a "not yet". As far as my doctor knows, I'm just your average straight person. 

[thylacine]

Some doctors are okay with people being asexual, and some are not.  But get a pap anyway, because you can't fool around with your health.  The pap smear is to test for cancer, it has nothing to do with sex.  If your doctor has a problem with your being ace, find another doctor.  That's all.

[everywhere and nowhere]

11 hours ago, thylacine said:

Some doctors are okay with people being asexual, and some are not.  But get a pap anyway, because you can't fool around with your health.  The pap smear is to test for cancer, it has nothing to do with sex.  If your doctor has a problem with your being ace, find another doctor.  That's all.

A person who has never had any sexual contact is at an extremely low risk for cervical cancer and a lot of experts say that in this group, testing can do more harm than good.

I don't visit a g. doctor and never will. I would honestly rather die than undergo this kind of examination. I'm totally, extremely nudity-averse and the very thought gives me heart palpitations. In an extreme case, I hope that I will be ready to dignifiedly sacrifice my life for my inviolability.

I have always had little contact with outside doctors. My mom is an ophthalmologist, she has also, obviously, had to do with other fields of medicine, so almost everytime I had a cold, flu etc., I was just treated by her. Now, despite not being a doctor, I know enough to treat myself in case of such minor illnesses. I work at home, so I don't need to go and get a sick leave.

Even in more dangerous cases... I have had an anaphylactic reaction four times. The first time an ambulance came and they gave me intravenous hydrocortisone and intramuscular clemastinum. Now I, more or less, know the dosages... I am psychologically unable to deliberately cause myself pain anyway, so I can't give myself an injection, but I know that in such cases I need to take 5-10 hydrocortisone pills and 2 clemastinum pills. In each subsequent case, we didn't worry to get an ambulance. I happened to be with my mom each time, so I just took the medicines and she would keep me from scratching and stroke me a bit to help me get through the worst phase. I hope I will never have such symptoms again, because now I know I have to avoid some things and, for example, stopped eating "exotic cheese", only "ordinary yellow cheese", mozarella and cottage cheese. I also avoid sesame and nuts. I don't avoid known minor allergens, because if I was to eat nothing which gives me moderate allergy symptoms, I would probably only be able to comsume solutions of proteins and sugars and my quality of life would be miserable.

I'm in friendly relations with my dentist. Recently she also told me that she's grateful how I have influenced her and made her more tolerant towards queer people and more critical of our horrible, antidemocratic government. (And by the way, Poland has just dropped to 57th place in Democracy Index.)

As for my asexuality being an issue... I had to visit a specialist in workplace medicine once. She looked at my allergy symptoms, tested my eyesight and then she asked me if I have ever given birth. Being sex-averse, I'm open about my effective asexuality because I would be uncomfortable with people assuming that I could be sexually active. So I answered that no, I never even wanted to have children, and added: "In fact, I'm a virgin". She admitted that it's untypical and I was glad about it. I won't accept being considered "broken", but I'm fine with being untypical. That's what I always wanted, I preferred it since early childhood.

 

[Philip027]

Never ran into the issue of disbelief, but if I did I'd find a different doctor.  I don't want someone who doesn't actually listen to the things I tell them about myself in charge of my care and potential treatments.

 

I imagine that I run into fewer potential incidents of this sort on account of not being female bodied, though.

[katinthehat]

The PA who gave me a look when I told her I have never been sexually active at 25 kind of scared me off of going to gyno appointments.

[Eva River]

I was at the doctor's with my mum (I was probably 16 or 17 at the time, and way too nervous to go alone). I don't remember if Mum knew I was ace at the time, but I'd never dated or shown any interest in sex, so when the doctor asked if I was sexually active we had to avoid eye contact for the rest of the visit and as soon as we left and looked at each other we just burst out laughing and kept sporadically giggling the whole drive home. 

[ryn2]

On 1/23/2020 at 8:42 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

A person who has never had any sexual contact is at an extremely low risk for cervical cancer

The other thing to consider is whether or not you have a family history of gynecologic, colon, small intestine, or stomach cancer.  If you do a pap is still a wise choice.

 

Regarding awkward questions, “not yet” or “not right now” seem to work with most providers.  They may still offer recommendations in case things change, but that’s not them judging you; it’s their job to make sure you’re sufficiently educated “just in case.”

 

You don’t need to provide justification or a detailed excuse if you don’t want to.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Regarding awkward questions, “not yet” or “not right now” seem to work with most providers.  They may still offer recommendations in case things change, but that’s not them judging you; it’s their job to make sure you’re sufficiently educated “just in case.”

I'm proud that my sexual inactivity is not a familiar "not yet", but "never". I'm not going to hide it.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I'm proud that my sexual inactivity is not a familiar "not yet", but "never". I'm not going to hide it.

And that’s obviously fine for someone - like yourself - who is comfortable taking that approach.  I just meant there are ways to answer the question which are less likely to lead to further discussion when people *aren’t* comfortable talking about it.

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

And that’s obviously fine for someone - like yourself - who is comfortable taking that approach.  I just meant there are ways to answer the question which are less likely to lead to further discussion when people *aren’t* comfortable talking about it.

Sure. I'm not questioning it. I just wanted to point out that, as long as someone feels ready to talk about their asexuality and to counter all the possible anti-asexual prejudice and disbelief, it's a possible solution. Some people may want to keep such stuff private, but others may feel "called" to shake doctors out of their comfortable belief that "I'm not sexually active" can only mean "...yet".

[ryn2]

On 1/24/2020 at 6:27 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

Some people may want to keep such stuff private, but others may feel "called" to shake doctors out of their comfortable belief that "I'm not sexually active" can only mean "...yet".

Completely agreed.  I just support either approach; I’d hate to see someone avoid medical care because they feel like they’re obligated (either because of the setting, or because of pressure to be out and proud) to discuss things they are uncomfortable discussing.

[thylacine]

21 hours ago, katinthehat said:

The PA who gave me a look when I told her I have never been sexually active at 25 kind of scared me off of going to gyno appointments.

Some doctors are so darn unprofessional, it turns people away from getting needed care.

[Vala]

I like and trust my current doctor, who I've had for about a decade now. I'm of the age where being sexually active is assumed to have occurred at some point in my past, but it hasn't, and she's never given me any grief over it. She did tell me that new guidelines are if you aren't sexually active, then pap smear isn't necessary. I do feel a bit awkward every time I have an appointment, because it's part of the normal questioning process, but it helps that she accepts it without any judgement. 

[ScribalMarks]

@thylacineSex is relevant to the pap smear, as the HPV virus, which is linked to cervical cancer, is often passed onto women and girls through intercourse. It is partly why early sex ( before the age of 16 ) increases the chance of getting it.

[ryn2]

24 minutes ago, ScribalMarks said:

@thylacineSex is relevant to the pap smear, as the HPV virus, which is linked to cervical cancer, is often passed onto women and girls through intercourse. It is partly why early sex ( before the age of 16 ) increases the chance of getting it.

This is the most common cause of cervical cancer, but people with Lynch Syndrome are also at elevated risk and often do not know they have it.  There’s also a remote risk of cervical cancer for no obvious reason but that’s quite rare.

[ScribalMarks]

1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

This is the most common cause of cervical cancer, but people with Lynch Syndrome are also at elevated risk and often do not know they have it.  There’s also a remote risk of cervical cancer for no obvious reason but that’s quite rare.

Thanks for the info. I know the link with early sex through cases in Britain, where I am from. It is because the cervix is less mature and thinner before that age, which means less resistance to infection.

[thylacine]

1 hour ago, ScribalMarks said:

@thylacineSex is relevant to the pap smear, as the HPV virus, which is linked to cervical cancer, is often passed onto women and girls through intercourse. It is partly why early sex ( before the age of 16 ) increases the chance of getting it.

I realize that, but cancer can still happen to anyone.  Besides, seeing the "lady doctor" is an opportunity to check your blood pressure and talk about other routine stuff like cholesterol and smoking and stuff.  It's probably why women see doctors and men don't, so men die sooner, or something like that.  I hate going to the doctor, too, but you gotta be a grown up and take responsibility for yourself and check stuff out, sex or no sex.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Going to the g. doctor can be considered advisable. But if someone is mortally terrified of it, if they feel that this kind of examination is worse than death - it's really cruel to expect them to torture themselves like this.

[IceQueenn]

Yes, me. But according to my age doctors expect me to be sexually active so they're not even asking me about it.

[HikaruBG]

12 hours ago, thylacine said:

It's probably why women see doctors and men don't, so men die sooner, or something like that.  I hate going to the doctor, too, but you gotta be a grown up and take responsibility for yourself and check stuff out, sex or no sex.

Yeah, something like that, men would rather complain over how they have health issue or not tell anyone at all than go to the doctor and actually deal with their health issues.

I don't know if that's just a fear of hearing what the doctor has to say or just a way to prove how manly they are (because asking for help from others, even professionals, means that "you are not manly"), I legitimately have heard of stories from relatives, of men who refused to go to the doctor, which in turn, caused their health to get worse, to the point where they end up dying.

 

Spoiler

My grandpa was in a similar situation recently. He had an accident where he hit himself so badly, he couldn't eat. He didn't tell anyone and literally starved himself for entire week or so before he finally went to the doctor (with the help with my uncle, because my grandpa is old, he can't really walk long distances).

 

[Guest]

My doctor has never asked me about sexual activity, probably because that information is collected via a survey that patients complete at the beginning of the appointment. I've already done enough ranting about that survey. Anyway, I told my doctor that I had an "important announcement", and then I asked her if she had any patients who do not have sexual attraction. She said there were a few, which brought me joy. Then I told her I'm ace and that the survey has not been edited to include aces. She informed me that her other ace patients had the same problem with the survey as I had, and was very understanding in general. I don't expect every doctor I have in my life to be this understanding, though.

[Guest]

I'm married so they assume sex (PiV) and certain stuff like pregnancy tests is required anyway for some procedures (like xrays). Even though I haven't had PiV sex in ... four? five ? years and have 0% risk of pregnancy. It's just them being cautious because some (many) people lie to doctors. 

[ryn2]

18 minutes ago, cAROlyn said:

My doctor has never asked me about sexual activity, probably because that information is collected via a survey that patients complete at the beginning of the appointment

Same!

[ryn2]

8 minutes ago, Serran said:

certain stuff like pregnancy tests is required anyway for some procedures (like xrays).

The only thing I’ve run into in my state that requires one is Accutane.  For xrays and the like they just ask.  Testing for everything would be annoying!

[ScribalMarks]

@ryn Roaccutane can cause birth defects,. That's why doctors take care not to prescribe it to pregnant women.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

The only thing I’ve run into in my state that requires one is Accutane.  For xrays and the like they just ask.  Testing for everything would be annoying!

My doctor requires a pee test for pregnancy before they will do an xray. Only takes like 3 minutes extra. It's an insurance liability thing, cause you can hurt the baby if the person is pregnant and people lie and then they can turn around and sue the doctor. But all together an xray took me like ... an hour as a walkin appointment, with exam, test and xray. And my insurance covers all but the copay so. Meh. I dont care. 

[thylacine]

One good thing about being 55 is they never bother to ask if you're pregnant.  And if you say you're not sexually active, they just figure your 55 so no one wants you anyway!  

 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, thylacine said:

One good thing about being 55 is they never bother to ask if you're pregnant.  And if you say you're not sexually active, they just figure your 55 so no one wants you anyway!  

 

I’m older than you and they still ask me! And trust me it’s not cos I’m hawt.  

[CluelessAce]

Absolutely hate these questions and the follow-up looks I get from the doctor/dentist like I'm lying to them.   They end up treating me like a hostile court witness the rest of the appointment and still try to push tests on me that I really don't need.  I've switched doctors numerous times for this type of behavior, but that only further limits my ability to find a professional that might be good at their job.