twetzel59 Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 8:26 AM, happy asexual said: That i would. I am not going to do anymore things against my will than i already am. Please don't hurt yourself. You will figure this out, in the end! Link to post Share on other sites
happy asexual Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/23/2020 at 3:29 AM, uhtred said: It may be that they misunderstand "uncomfortable" - and think "lots of shy young women are uncomfortable about the idea of sex". Language can be extremely confusing on these issues. I know that my wife learned from her parents when she was young that sex is something "women do for men" when they are married. I think t this day she doesn't really understand / believe that there are may women who *actively* enjoy sex and see it out, and doesn't realize that the is nearly asexual. Similarly the idea of girls being "uncomfortable" with sex is just something people say - its usually not really true. Most young women do feel sexual attraction. So is it possible that your parents really didn't understand the really feeling behind your words? If you can talk to your potential husband, please tell him very clearly. Make sure he knows its nothing about him in any way that you are asexual. Maybe even point him towards this site. Nothing you have posted is bad, even if he does recognize you. Let him ask people questions - asexuality is really not very widely known, many people honestly don't know it exists. Worst case, can you leave? Do you have any way to support yourself? Okay a life update. I did put the foot down and said yes even though he was probably the best guy and family i could ask for. I cannot pretend i am uncomfortable with sex and it is something treatable when i have known through experience what i am is not a problem to be counselled. After talking to the guy, i realized he was so good and had a simple idea about marriage and family and the institution of marriage as he comes from a happy household and i cant get with a man knowing everything and ruin his life when he is an innocent man. This has caused a lot of heartbreak to my father and mother and all the people who have awaited this big event in my life but in the end, i will have to live the life they want for me but i dont want for myself unless with someone who knows everything and accepts me with it. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 1 hour ago, happy asexual said: Okay a life update. I did put the foot down and said yes even though he was probably the best guy and family i could ask for. I cannot pretend i am uncomfortable with sex and it is something treatable when i have known through experience what i am is not a problem to be counselled. After talking to the guy, i realized he was so good and had a simple idea about marriage and family and the institution of marriage as he comes from a happy household and i cant get with a man knowing everything and ruin his life when he is an innocent man. This has caused a lot of heartbreak to my father and mother and all the people who have awaited this big event in my life but in the end, i will have to live the life they want for me but i dont want for myself unless with someone who knows everything and accepts me with it. I am very glad to hear you did that. I know its difficult but I think it was the right thing for you and for that good man. You have saved two people from what might have been lifelong unhappiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Loading Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/24/2020 at 9:44 AM, Philip027 said: You're pretty ignorant on how to construct a convincing rebuttal. So what's your point? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ oooo burn, you got me good... #sickburnbro Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 8 hours ago, happy asexual said: After talking to the guy, i realized he was so good and had a simple idea about marriage and family and the institution of marriage as he comes from a happy household and i cant get with a man knowing everything and ruin his life when he is an innocent man. That took a lot of strength on your part. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Quote oooo burn, you got me good... #sickburnbro Don't flatter yourself; I wasn't even trying. Shall I take this as confirmation you had no actual argument aside from "lolz ur dum" then? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 If people are interested in discussing arranged marriages in general, maybe that is a good topic for another thread, maybe hotbox? Link to post Share on other sites
Loading Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 5 hours ago, Philip027 said: Don't flatter yourself; I wasn't even trying. Shall I take this as confirmation you had no actual argument aside from "lolz ur dum" then? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Why should I bother? There's no point. SJW's/feminists are about as movable in their opinions as anti-vaxxers. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Uh huh, thought so. I'm also not either of those things, if that's what you're implying. It's interesting that you seem to think anyone speaking for basic fucking human rights and decency can be filed away and dismissed as a "SJW" though (must make things real convenient for you though, what with not having to bother actually coming up with a legitimate argument against them and all), or that I'm apparently a feminist when to be quite honest I've already forgotten the gender of the OP. Just so you know, the OP's gender (or anyone else's) has zero bearing on my thoughts about arranged marriages, and it's not even just females that get pressured into them either so I'm not sure why speaking against them is apparently a "feminist" position to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Loading Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 11 hours ago, Philip027 said: Uh huh, thought so. I'm also not either of those things, if that's what you're implying. It's interesting that you seem to think anyone speaking for basic fucking human rights and decency can be filed away and dismissed as a "SJW" though (must make things real convenient for you though, what with not having to bother actually coming up with a legitimate argument against them and all), or that I'm apparently a feminist when to be quite honest I've already forgotten the gender of the OP. Just so you know, the OP's gender (or anyone else's) has zero bearing on my thoughts about arranged marriages, and it's not even just females that get pressured into them either so I'm not sure why speaking against them is apparently a "feminist" position to make. It's interesting that you consider someone else's culture indecent and wrong when you don't even understand it or stop to see other sides to the situation. But whatever, you do you boo. Link to post Share on other sites
Yoruka Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Let's just all calm down and celebrate for now that OP is now okay! Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Quote It's interesting that you consider someone else's culture indecent and wrong when you don't even understand it or stop to see other sides to the situation. That's because there isn't anything to consider. Do you think mutilating female genitals (aka "female circumcision") is potentially okay just because there's some culture out there in which it is regarded as normal? Nope, that's still barbaric too, and hiding behind some sort of "cultural" or traditional defense doesn't change that. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I wouldn’t lump arranged marriage in with clear human rights violations like female circumcision and slavery. It really depends on the culture-specific details. Treating marriage as a business transaction isn’t inherently less successful or less kind than “marrying for love”; it’s just different. Certainly some cultures/governments still have outdated, discriminatory divorce laws on the books, but that’s a separate issue and would still be a problem in a “marrying for love” setting. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Quote I wouldn’t lump arranged marriage in with clear human rights violations like female circumcision and slavery. It really depends on the culture-specific details. Treating marriage as a business transaction isn’t inherently less successful or less kind than “marrying for love”; it’s just different. Highly disagree with the bold (among other things; being "unkind" is about the nicest thing I could say about the practice). When your parents essentially regard you as a commodity to be sold for their own social/financial benefit (why else do you think they put the pressure on?), sorry; that's not "kindness" in any way, shape, or form. And I am going to lump it in with those other things. It basically still is slavery; you're still being pressured/forced to do something by people who think they own you. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 *shrugs* plenty of US parents who aren’t descended from cultures which practice arranged marriage strongly encourage (in subtle and not-so-subtle ways) their children to marry in ways that bring the family wealth, status, influence, etc. “I’ll cut you out of the will in a heartbeat” isn’t kinder than “your mother will never recover from the shame.” Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Quote *shrugs* plenty of US parents who aren’t descended from cultures which practice arranged marriage strongly encourage (in subtle and not-so-subtle ways) their children to marry in ways that bring the family wealth, status, influence, etc. “I’ll cut you out of the will in a heartbeat” isn’t kinder than “your mother will never recover from the shame.” When did I ever say any of that was okay or that it was "kinder"? Just because that's still all shitty too doesn't somehow suddenly make arranged marriages Not All That Bad After All. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 13 minutes ago, Philip027 said: When did I ever say any of that was okay or that it was "kinder"? Just because that's still all shitty too doesn't somehow suddenly make arranged marriages Not All That Bad After All. I didn’t say you did. I was just explaining why I didn’t think arranged marriages were categorically less kind (or more unkind, if you prefer) than “marriage for love” is, from the perspective of parental status/social-climbing. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 You really don't see how arranged marriages are inherently far more likely to involve that sort of parental toxicity than someone having the freedom to marry whoever they want? At least with that freedom, there's at least some chance that it's actually genuine and that you're not trying to exert any sort of control or manipulation over whom your kid marries. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I think both systems have the potential for parental “abuse” (and abuse). I don’t feel comfortable giving arranged marriage a blanket “human rights violation” label based on my limited, anecdotal knowledge of it. I also, given how badly the “marriage of love” system works in my country, cannot confidently proclaim we’ve found the be-all, end-all right way. Obviously, if you do feel either of those ways, we can agree to disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I never once claimed that it was the be all end all right way, but it's sure as shit still better than this particular alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 That certainly could be true, especially for someone who grew up expecting to marry a person they’re in love with rather than one who is a good prospect for other reasons. I still don’t think that makes arranged marriage a blanket human rights violation everyone should recognize and speak out against. Link to post Share on other sites
Conscious Cat-Panda Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Hi OP, Really sorry to hear about the situation. I'm originally from India too, can completely understand your situation. You did the right thing putting your foot down, had you said yes you would have lived a compromised life and probably this would affect your marriage too. It was a very brave step you took, this kind of thing is sometimes impossible to communicate to loved ones, and for them to understand. In my case, I couldn't even speak for myself, I moved out of the country before my family could arrange a match. There's probably no right answer for these situations. But it's your life and you shouldn't force yourself through something for remaining life when you don't want it. Please give yourself some time to get over the pain, but don't second guess what you did or go into a spiral of negative thoughts. Not for this. And this next part is my personal opinion so I apologize for lack of knowledge. But asexual or not, you can't know enough about a person from one conversation. Not even when hiring people, and in your case it was marriage - heck no!! I know of some friends who found their "best match" through a similar process and said yes. But when they came closer to marriage date, the guys who were wooing them and seemed to have the right mindset flipped a switch and turned cold, even rude. Again, not generalizing this neither do I mean to portray guys in the wrong light, but I am against the concept of arranged marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Loading Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 21 hours ago, Philip027 said: That's because there isn't anything to consider. Do you think mutilating female genitals (aka "female circumcision") is potentially okay just because there's some culture out there in which it is regarded as normal? Nope, that's still barbaric too, and hiding behind some sort of "cultural" or traditional defense doesn't change that. We're not talking about female genital mutilation. @ryn2 don't bother. SJW gonna SJW. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 Quote We're not talking about female genital mutilation. Why not? It's another barbaric practice that people like you seem to think is okay just because it's accepted in certain cultures. Why aren't you hopping to the defense of this too? Also, again, not SJW. Keep on trying to make that dismissal though; it just conveys further and further how you have no actual argument of substance. Link to post Share on other sites
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