briones Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 An article by someone who evidently doesn't identify as asexual, but I liked it and think other aces could relate. It's by a woman who didn't have sex for 12 years simply because she didn't feel like it and the people around her questioned if there was something wrong with her. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/20/style/quit-sex.html "When you are not focused on the boring sex you had, you are no longer blind; you see very deeply into another person. The other aspect is you feel very shy with people because everybody is making love, and if you’re not making love you say to yourself, 'Have I the right to talk about life?' [....] Sexuality defines a huge part of us. It’s something very natural. But we went too far with this idea. We let sex be the kingdom. We made it the most important thing in life. I don’t think it’s the most important thing in life. For me, the most important thing in life is love, poetry." (mods, feel free to move this. I'm not sure which forum this should fall under. :)) Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 There is one thing I don't like about it, or much more precisely - about the social perception of her decision: how not having sex for 12 years is perceived like some extraordinary feat. That's the ace thing - "We're told to be celibate until we marry or at least have a serious relationship... Wait, you mean other people really find it hard to be celibate??". But anyway, my own preference is zero partnered sex acts in a lifetime and I just wish that both my attitude and the attitude of those who want to have sex every day was considered acceptable and, first of all, no reason to mock someone... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said: how not having sex for 12 years is perceived like some extraordinary feat. Yeah I haven't had sex in 9 years now. I wonder if I should start writing to the papers or something to try to get money out of this haha! Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 In fairness, if sex is important to someone I imagine going 12 years without is an achievement (or a depressing fact, ie. incels). I had to stop driving for 2 months when I broke my ankle and honestly, it made me almost... well, you get the point. The idea of going 12 years really would make me. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I'm afraid I don't really get it. If someone doesn't want sex then it makes perfect sense for them to give it up. Same as for any other non-necessary activity. The writing though seems to imply that giving up sex has somehow broadened their experience / appreciation of the world, and I don't get that. If I give up eating chocolate, I don't see how it broadens my experience, it just means that I don't get chocolate, and will be less happy. If I give up sushi (which I don't like) it also doesn't broaden my experience of the world, but may make me happier. Link to post Share on other sites
T.Hunter Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 wow, that was a dramatic way to say to the world that she wasn't having sex Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 5 minutes ago, CBC said: I have no idea how no sex would make life better. **Crickets in asexual** About that... Link to post Share on other sites
PoeciMeta Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Just. What the hell is the thing with France? Nope!! It seems to be The Lewd Country, and I just don't get it ;-; Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 10 hours ago, briones said: if you’re not making love you say to yourself, 'Have I the right to talk about life?' That's... a few tads much, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 13 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said: Yeah I haven't had sex in 9 years now. I wonder if I should start writing to the papers or something to try to get money out of this haha! Articles, Novels, Music, Film, Opera and Theatre. There’s a lucrative business to be made 😛 Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 I should get paid to write about all the things I don't care about. Link to post Share on other sites
Whore*of*Mensa Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 I lived in Corsica (an island off France and Italy) for one year as an au pair - and I definitely noticed a difference in attitudes toward sex compared to home in the UK (ie it was talked about A LOT and definitely seen as a pillar of a happy life, in fact I didn't meet one person who did not discuss sex with me, in a very romantic overblown fashion..) Also, did any of you READ the article? She wasn't going without sex, she just decided she would only have sex if she wanted it. And that opened her up to other pleasures in life. Not having sex does not mean you are someone who is very sad or very boring. It means that you are free. Because if you want your body to make love, you can make love. It’s not a prison. I'm also jealous she got paid for it...Maybe I'll write my own article and fix that! No point complaining if you've never tried doing it yourself, is there...? Link to post Share on other sites
Acing It Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 On 1/21/2020 at 11:49 PM, uhtred said: I'm afraid I don't really get it. If someone doesn't want sex then it makes perfect sense for them to give it up. Same as for any other non-necessary activity. The writing though seems to imply that giving up sex has somehow broadened their experience / appreciation of the world, and I don't get that. If I give up eating chocolate, I don't see how it broadens my experience, it just means that I don't get chocolate, and will be less happy. If I give up sushi (which I don't like) it also doesn't broaden my experience of the world, but may make me happier. I think the point she's trying to make is not the sex, it's making it the entire focus for someone or a very important focus, if you like. If that focus disappears you see a lot of other stuff around you. If you're obsessed with something for instance, you feel like you're going mad maybe, that nothing is more important. When that drops away, you see other things and life becomes richer. That's how I understand it from the few snippets from the article on here (not going to make an account, thank you!) Link to post Share on other sites
Acing It Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 1:10 PM, Janus DarkFox said: Articles, Novels, Music, Film, Opera and Theatre. There’s a lucrative business to be made 😛 I don't think so if sex sells. No sex erm... wouldn't... sell? Link to post Share on other sites
Acing It Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 47 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said: I lived in Corsica (an island off France and Italy) for one year as an au pair - and I definitely noticed a difference in attitudes toward sex compared to home in the UK (ie it was talked about A LOT and definitely seen as a pillar of a happy life, in fact I didn't meet one person who did not discuss sex with me, in a very romantic overblown fashion..) You can see how some asexual people or people with a different gender reality, struggle and feel an outsider in some cultures. Link to post Share on other sites
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