How do I know whether I'm asexual or I just haven't found the right person yet?

[Candle6565]

Hi!

 

So I lost my virginity quit late compared to my friends, and before doing so I never really wanted to have sex but I always wanted to get rid of my 'virgin' status, so I waited to meet the right person who would make me want to have sex with them. When that didn't happen and I was starting to feel more and more of a loser amongst my friend group, I lost it to a boy while I was drunk during a one night stand. 

 

Since then, I've ONLY had one night stands with men hoping to eventually meet one who would please me sexually. I've only ever slept with the same person once and always while I was drunk, so now that I'm over that party phase of my life, I've been waiting to meet someone who I would eventually fall in love with and actually enjoy sex with. That STILL hasn't happened yet and I've just realized lately that I'm not sure if I have any urge for it to ever happen at all, but I'm not sure if that's just because I'm now so used to being single.

 

I always figured I never got horny because I never really had good sex in the past, so how could I miss something I never really had, but I feel like this isn't the case for everybody else. I had a foursome once with a girl and it was the most exciting experience I've had.

 

Should I try experiencing with girls to see if I'm gay instead? I don't feel like meeting any on dating apps and I can't imagine myself trying to meet someone in person in a romantic context. I've only been attracted to my female best friends in the past but only for a certain amount of time and then it would pass. Do I just have a really low libido that will eventually awaken? Have I just not met the right person yet (even though I've been waiting for YEARS)? Will I ever meet anyone I like or am I meant to be alone forever and just masturbate until I die?

 

Please help! I'm so confused about why my experiences are so different than my friends', and I feel pretty lonely since no one in my entourage seems to get what I mean when I try to get advice.

[Philip027]

Continuously pursuing sexual encounters for years in the hopes you get sexually satisfied is not really much of an asexual trait.  Just because the encounters aren't particularly satisfying doesn't necessarily make one ace.  It just might mean you need to change up the way you go about things.  One night stands might simply not be your thing, for instance.  (Not being into them isn't solidly an asexual trait; plenty of sexuals aren't necessarily keen on them either)

 

Low libido certainly doesn't sound like something you have either, tbh, particularly if you seem to be bemoaning a potential "masturbate until I die" fate.

 

Don't stack up your personal life with those of your friends; everyone's different.  And proper friends shouldn't be making you feel like a "loser" either.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi and welcome 🍰 🧁

Of course most of us can all relate to not feeling normal compared to the others around. It doesn't mean you're asexual, but you could be in the spectrum somehow, what we call gray aces. Being asexual means a lack of sexual attraction, and it's hard to tell if you have it or not from what you said, but also it should be pointed out that a romantic relationship doesn't have to involve sex. If you want to find love, you don't have to have great sex or anything. It would be better to look for someone you like and end up wanting to be close to, and not just focus on finding someone you'd have good sex with. It really depends how you feel about sex. Why do you want it?

And yeah some people only realize later that they're gay, and it can explain some things. So that could be something to explore for you if you think you like women better. Maybe look into lgbtq circles, usually they'd welcome someone who's questioning. You might find some interesting friends, or more. I suppose you could find a dating app too, but you never know how well those things go.

Try not to worry too much about not understanding things yet, it can take time to explore and understand yourself more. You know some things, and I'm sure you'll learn some more

[Grimalkin]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Continuously pursuing sexual encounters for years in the hopes you get sexually satisfied is not really much of an asexual trait.

I'm not sure I'd necessarily agree with this. While one night stands are not my thing, I understand the desire to feel something. I kept hoping throughout my first two relationships (before I knew I was asexual) that it would eventually "click" for me, that maybe it just wasn't working because of some other kind of problem unrelated to sexuality. If I had to guess, it's probably similar to how some homosexual people continue to try and have straight sex time and again even if it's not satisfying. You just... keep hoping. 

 

I don't really have advice for you, though, OP. You can try whatever you think you need to, but I don't think you'll ever achieve a perfect answer. It's possible that you're demisexual, and that you won't really experience it until you're already deeply emotionally and mentally intimate with a partner, or that you're gay, or that you really are asexual. 

 

I also recommend just focusing on you. Focus on hobbies and experiences and friends enough, and the feeling of missing out will fade a little. 

[Philip027]

Quote

I'm not sure I'd necessarily agree with this. While one night stands are not my thing, I understand the desire to feel something. I kept hoping throughout my first two relationships (before I knew I was asexual) that it would eventually "click" for me, that maybe it just wasn't working because of some other kind of problem unrelated to sexuality. If I had to guess, it's probably similar to how some homosexual people continue to try and have straight sex time and again even if it's not satisfying. You just... keep hoping. 

I really don't think this kind of thing usually goes on for years, though.  It shouldn't take that long and that many sexual experiences in order to be like "you know, I actually don't want any of this"

 

But maybe some people are just way worse than I am at recognizing what they want?  Idk, but I wouldn't have thought it's usually that hard.

 

IMO, that compulsion to keep on trying anyway despite the crappy experiences tends to speak toward a sexual identity.

[CharCharChar]

2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Continuously pursuing sexual encounters for years in the hopes you get sexually satisfied is not really much of an asexual trait. 

I also disagree. There are many ways to cope with not feeling sexual attraction in a sex-fixated world. I read about an ace person's experience that sounds very similar, one night stands for a few years, etc. 

Personally I have the mindset of if I date a sexual again I think I'll want to "try for" sexual pleasure with them out of curiosity, but I'll go into the relationship being clear what ace means for me.

[CharCharChar]

3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It shouldn't take that long and that many sexual experiences in order to be like "you know, I actually don't want any of this"

That's your opinion. Be careful not to tell people they aren't ace. 🍰

[Philip027]

Quote

That's your opinion. Be careful not to tell people they aren't ace. 🍰

If you were reading carefully you'll notice I never actually did that. 🍰

 

And yes, I'm well aware it's my opinion; thanks for the completely unnecessary reminder.  The OP is asking for opinions regarding their identity and I have the right to give mine without you sniping at me about it.

[CharCharChar]

1. After much thought, I've decided that I overreacted. Your comment about how long it should take to figure out your identity, and your comment framing this uncertainty as hard to imagine got under my skin. I know you framed this as opinion, and I agree you have the right to share your opinions, but when people are trying to find themselves and you react like it's hard to fathom, it hurts. 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

But maybe some people are just way worse than I am at recognizing what they want?  Idk, but I wouldn't have thought it's usually that hard.

2. I must defend my badge of careful readingness. I was reading carefully. I know you didn't say "you aren't ace". I'd summarize your post as "probably not ace", which is why I said "be careful" not "don't".
 🍰😃

3. Also. Freedom of Speech doesn't give you the right to share your opinion without being "sniped at". (I'm still apologizing for overreacting, but the communication-geek in me needed to mention it)

 

Also I love your profile pic.

Edited January 21, 2020 by CharCharChar

[Guest xAveryx]

A few months earlier I was in the same Situation as you are right now. The last 4 years I had sexual Encounters with men and Always wondered why it wasn't something I enjoyed. I now get that I just wanted to WANT sex and because of that was searching for it. I also didn't want to accept that sex Maybe is just not for me because I wanted to be a Person who could enjoy life in freedom and with sex because  that's what Society taught me. And i didn't want to be asexual because i thought that the term just didnt fit. I've Always thought that I just haven't met the Right Person or that alcohol just made Things not as enjoyable (even though my Friends had nearly everytime "great sex") 

I don't know if my reasons are part of yours too but i just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in this Situation

[Candle6565]

@xAveryx I'm so glad you can relate!!! Do you now identify as asexual?

[Candle6565]

Thanks everyone for your answers & warm welcome!! I guess I should've mentioned; I'm almost 25 years old now so I've been "searching" for a while haha. That's what's getting so frustrating; everyone keeps saying that it will eventually happen but I feel like it just never will. 

 

When did you guys all know that you were asexual (or something like it)?

[Philip027]

I technically knew it as soon as I learned what sex was (at the age of 14) and knew I had no interest.  I just never knew there was an actual name for it until over a decade later.

[naakka]

On 1/21/2020 at 4:14 AM, Candle6565 said:

Do I just have a really low libido that will eventually awaken? Have I just not met the right person yet (even though I've been waiting for YEARS)? Will I ever meet anyone I like or am I meant to be alone forever and just masturbate until I die?

I tortured myself with the "what if one day I'll xxx?" question for years. Technically it's still possible that I'll meet that one person who will make me to want to hold hands, hug, kiss, even have sex with, and the label aroace is completely incorrect for me. But I changed my mindset and don't waste time wondering things like that anymore. Technically any straight person could also be bi or even gay but just haven't met the right person yet. They just live (and enjoy) their lives instead of wasting it to uncertainty.

 

Purely from my personal observation, I'd say that no-one suddenly "awakens" as an allosexual. You might meet your soulsister who makes everything feel 100 times better. But if you're allo, I'd say that you'd have sexual/romantic urges and needs (aimed at another person) even before that. (On a second thought, demisexual people exist. But even then, it would be pointless to waste your life on "what ifs". If you'll meet that one person, may that happen. But it doesn't happen any faster or more certainly whether or not you worry about it. You'll just know.)

Edited January 22, 2020 by naakka

[LeChat]

23 minutes ago, naakka said:

I tortured myself with the "what if one day I'll xxx?" question for years. Technically it's still possible that I'll meet that one person who will make me to want to hold hands, hug, kiss, even have sex with, and the label aroace is completely incorrect for me. But I changed my mindset and don't waste time wondering things like that anymore...(On a second thought, demisexual people exist. But even then, it would be pointless to waste your life on "what ifs"...

Yep. I used to do the same thing, too, and also don't like wasting time worrying/wondering about whether or not my orientation might change in the future.

 

28 minutes ago, naakka said:

...Technically any straight person could also be bi or even gay but just haven't met the right person yet. They just live (and enjoy) their lives instead of wasting it to uncertainty...

That's a good point. I wish I'd come across this when I was younger; it might've stopped me from torturing myself with worry, a lot sooner!

[Guest xAveryx]

5 hours ago, Candle6565 said:

@xAveryx I'm so glad you can relate!!! Do you now identify as asexual?

I'm still not sure. I would identify as something on the spectrum since i never had a relationship or sexual contact with someone I really liked or was in love with. Right now I would say ace to demi. I'm still torturing myself with the "what if the right one comes along" - question

[naakka]

9 hours ago, LeChat said:

I wish I'd come across this when I was younger; it might've stopped me from torturing myself with worry, a lot sooner!

Yea, I wished the same.

[Candle6565]

Thank you all sooooo much for your answers! I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in this. I love this community already!

[AllieCat]

@Candle6565 I feel like I can really relate to you and I consider myself ace. I'm in my early 20s and I'm still a virgin, and it feels like NO ONE else is of my friends (actually just found one the other day, but she's not in my normal circle). I've lied to my friends about this, and as far as they are concerned, I've slept with 2 guys. I just felt like everyone was talking about it so much, and a girl that I'm close with said "I wouldn't even sleep with someone who was still a virgin, like, whats wrong with them that they haven't had sex yet?", so that scared me, and is sort of why I've lied to everyone - which is also horrible.

 

I ended up almost sleeping with this guy I'd been seeing for a bit. I enjoyed the first 15 mins of kissing, but then I was bored, and by the over an hour mark, when we were eventually about to have sex, we both consented, and then couldn't get everything to working order. I finally worked up the nerve to announce that I had to go. It was awful, but it was also the night I came home feeling upset, and found AVEN. It was the night I realized I'm asexual. 

 

I'm still holding onto a small shred of hope that maybe I'm demisexual (have to be friends with the  person first before desiring sexual contact), but it seems unlikely, since I also feel like I've never found the right person. I'm also sort of sitting in this space now where I've accepted I'm ace, and I'm wondering - will I ever have a real romantic relationship with anyone? Am I going to be alone? None of my friends can relate, and I'm hoping to come out to one sometime soon (haven't decided who, but I just feel it's important). 

 

Feel free to PM me and we can be each other's friend / support!

[Alollipop]

Hi, I just discovered about this site and asexuality, and I found this topic interesting. I also started questioning the same. I've had two relationships and a lot of sexual encounters (One night stand, friends with benefits and so on). But I could never reach orgasm and I was never really sexually attracted  to them. I did it because I felt like I had to. I feel disconnected, like I don't care or I'm not interested. I've never seen someone and thought "i want to have sex with him/her". In my relationships I THINK I was romantically involved, but still felt disgusted before doing it and detached while doing it. With people I'm not interested only detached. I feel sex is like shaking hands: I could do it with everyone but I don't care. 

 

But still I have a lot of libido, I masturbate often, I watch porn, I have fantasies... But I don't care about the people, in my fantasy it's like they have no face. I like the idea but not the person. If I accidentally think about someone the libido end in one sec.

 

I'm starting to suffer about this, because a lot of my friends have healthy relationships and sex, but I cannot. (I broke up with the only person I loved cause I couldn't have sex anymore at one point 'cause of the disgust of the idea)

 

A friend of mine told me that I still have to find the right person, but after so long and so many people (both boys and girls) what if I never will? 

[Guest xAveryx]

3 hours ago, Alollipop said:

Hi, I just discovered about this site and asexuality, and I found this topic interesting. I also started questioning the same. I've had two relationships and a lot of sexual encounters (One night stand, friends with benefits and so on). But I could never reach orgasm and I was never really sexually attracted  to them. I did it because I felt like I had to. I feel disconnected, like I don't care or I'm not interested. I've never seen someone and thought "i want to have sex with him/her". In my relationships I THINK I was romantically involved, but still felt disgusted before doing it and detached while doing it. With people I'm not interested only detached. I feel sex is like shaking hands: I could do it with everyone but I don't care. 

 

But still I have a lot of libido, I masturbate often, I watch porn, I have fantasies... But I don't care about the people, in my fantasy it's like they have no face. I like the idea but not the person. If I accidentally think about someone the libido end in one sec.

 

I'm starting to suffer about this, because a lot of my friends have healthy relationships and sex, but I cannot. (I broke up with the only person I loved cause I couldn't have sex anymore at one point 'cause of the disgust of the idea)

 

A friend of mine told me that I still have to find the right person, but after so long and so many people (both boys and girls) what if I never will? 

Have the same thought. I don't feel disgusted but after a few minutes of kissing and sex I was bored, felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop.

But I felt like I owed it to them because they had these expectations in me and eventually I avoided those people because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having to have sex again.

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by xAveryx

[Guest]

On 1/21/2020 at 10:20 PM, Candle6565 said:

Thanks everyone for your answers & warm welcome!! I guess I should've mentioned; I'm almost 25 years old now so I've been "searching" for a while haha. That's what's getting so frustrating; everyone keeps saying that it will eventually happen but I feel like it just never will. 

 

When did you guys all know that you were asexual (or something like it)?

Honestly..  its probably not going to happen from ONS if it does happen at all. I am not ace and ONS would leave me ... bored to awkward to grossed out. And strangers do nothing for me. I found the person I was sexually into at 30 years old, after four long-term relationships. Before that I thought I was ace for five years because I wanted no one and nothing sexually (not even masturbation). Finding my wife is what sparked it all. And it wasnt until I was 6 or so months into the relationship that I felt it. 

 

And sometimes it never happens. Which is OK. 

[Guest xAveryx]

@Serran what do you identify yourself right now?

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, xAveryx said:

@Serran what do you identify yourself right now?

I just use sexual, since .. I have an average, frequent, healthy sex life with my wife in a monogamous relationship. If you want to get technical likely demisexual, but I dont consider myself ace at all considering I have three drawers of sex toys and desire sex with my wife 1-3 times a week... I relate just fine with all the other married sexuals who arent sleeping around with others so dont see a need to be like "yeah I'm demi ... " when I am basically just a highly monogamous sexual person who only wants her wife, but very much wants her wife. *shrug*

[Alollipop]

1 hour ago, xAveryx said:

Have the same thought. I don't feel disgusted but after a few minutes of kissing and sex I was bored, felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop.

But I felt like I owed it to them because they had these expectations in me and eventually I avoided those people because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having to have sex again.

 

Yeah also kissing someone I feel nothing, and when the other wants to go further I'm like "I don't want this", I say it but I think it's confusing for a sexual person if you stop them "in the best moment" (I'm sorry I'm not a native speaker I don't know if you use this expression). They keep trying and I end up fulfilling their expectations... 

[naakka]

On 1/25/2020 at 6:24 AM, AllieCat said:

I've lied to my friends about this, and as far as they are concerned, I've slept with 2 guys. I just felt like everyone was talking about it so much, and a girl that I'm close with said "I wouldn't even sleep with someone who was still a virgin, like, whats wrong with them that they haven't had sex yet?", so that scared me, and is sort of why I've lied to everyone - which is also horrible.

It's weird how things that really don't matter to you or even repulse you still somehow matter to you since they matter to everyone else and the peer pressure makes you care. Since my early teens I've never had interest in dating and romance (actually since I was a little kid and never understood why other kids loved playing house or playing with barbies and planning who's with who). Still, until my twenties, dating and finding a partner was high at my priorities since not dating and having a partner was considered either a very bad luck or you being unattractive. It was unheard of that one would want to decide not to date. So that's how societal norms and peer pressure can make you priorize thing that really don't have a place on your heart. 

On 1/25/2020 at 6:24 AM, AllieCat said:

I'm still holding onto a small shred of hope that maybe I'm demisexual (have to be friends with the  person first before desiring sexual contact), but it seems unlikely, since I also feel like I've never found the right person. I'm also sort of sitting in this space now where I've accepted I'm ace, and I'm wondering - will I ever have a real romantic relationship with anyone? Am I going to be alone? None of my friends can relate, and I'm hoping to come out to one sometime soon (haven't decided who, but I just feel it's important). 

Why are you holding that hope? Are you afraid of coming out? Or afraid of being forever alone? About coming out, you never really have to irl, if you don't want to. People will keep on asking things but eventually they (those who are close enough with you and should know) will somehow get that dating just isn't your thing. I've decided not to stress myself with coming out until someone doesn't literally ask me what's my sexual orientation. If you're afraid of being forever alone, I think majority of us here are (so at least you have peer support). Anyhow, I think it's still better to be alone than unhappy with someone.

[naakka]

On 1/22/2020 at 5:20 AM, Candle6565 said:

Thanks everyone for your answers & warm welcome!! I guess I should've mentioned; I'm almost 25 years old now so I've been "searching" for a while haha. That's what's getting so frustrating; everyone keeps saying that it will eventually happen but I feel like it just never will. 

 

When did you guys all know that you were asexual (or something like it)?

I actually really knew only after I found AVEN. Before that, in my own eyes, I was just a weirdo loser who no-one wants and who's just too spineless and problematic to even try dating (while still thinking I must be straight). After I found AVEN, I related to so many things so much for the first time in my life, and also found the labels asexual and aromantic for the first time. I realized that I wasn't a loser for not wanting something I really did not want - even if everyone else did. Also being a much happier person these days despite still never dating anyone indicates that these labels are right for me. The thing that really made me miserable was not the lack of dating, but actually it was the feeling of not fulfilling everyone's expectations and being casually accepted. 

 

I'm also way past my twenties. So I spent my whole teen age and several years of my early adulthood on uncertainty.

Edited January 26, 2020 by naakka

[Guest]

23 hours ago, Alollipop said:

Yeah also kissing someone I feel nothing, and when the other wants to go further I'm like "I don't want this", I say it but I think it's confusing for a sexual person if you stop them "in the best moment" (I'm sorry I'm not a native speaker I don't know if you use this expression). They keep trying and I end up fulfilling their expectations... 

Uhm... ok... I think you're letting your self-guilt over being a little different let people off with really inappropriate behavior here. Sexual people may not like rejection but a no or a I dont want means STOP. Full stop. No more. Done. Anyone that doesnt get that doesnt deserve your time or attention. At all. Those of us in sexual relationships sometimes hear no, its totally OK. Sometimes we say no. Sometimes dating the sex stuff becomes uncomfortable. No should always, always mean no. Being sexual is no excuse for not accepting you dont want it. 

 

Now saying that, if you date someone in the future, I would go over the not into sex thing before things get there. Like, 2nd date or so. Some people are OK with sexless, many arent. It should be an informed consent decision to try for a relationship that way or not. 

[Alollipop]

19 hours ago, Serran said:

Uhm... ok... I think you're letting your self-guilt over being a little different let people off with really inappropriate behavior here. Sexual people may not like rejection but a no or a I dont want means STOP. Full stop. No more. Done. Anyone that doesnt get that doesnt deserve your time or attention. At all. Those of us in sexual relationships sometimes hear no, its totally OK. Sometimes we say no. Sometimes dating the sex stuff becomes uncomfortable. No should always, always mean no. Being sexual is no excuse for not accepting you dont want it. 

 

It's not something I think personally, it's something that has been told me and a widely accepted thing, like "if a girl says no a lot of times is maybe". "If a girl says no, you press a little and eventually she agrees". "If a girl says no, she just wants to play". And yes, here a lot of people think that if you start kissing in a more passionate way than just a brief kiss, you cannot stop the other person after cause it's "confusing". Maybe my self-guilt made me accept this, I've never thought about it. 

 

Another thing is that I have BPD, I'm constantly worried the other person will leave me, so I would do everything to avoid it, even, eventually have sex, even if I don't enjoy it. 

 

Now you could say "you should find someone who accepts you for who you are", but it's extremely difficult opening up on such topics, if I open up and the person runs away, I end up in depression and self-harming. 

 

I'm in therapy right now, but in the meantime I wanted to find support communities, people who are going through the same and who could understand better.

 

Thank you anyway for the advices

[naakka]

23 minutes ago, Alollipop said:

It's not something I think personally, it's something that has been told me and a widely accepted thing, like "if a girl says no a lot of times is maybe". "If a girl says no, you press a little and eventually she agrees". "If a girl says no, she just wants to play". And yes, here a lot of people think that if you start kissing in a more passionate way than just a brief kiss, you cannot stop the other person after cause it's "confusing". Maybe my self-guilt made me accept this, I've never thought about it. 

 

Another thing is that I have BPD, I'm constantly worried the other person will leave me, so I would do everything to avoid it, even, eventually have sex, even if I don't enjoy it. 

 

Now you could say "you should find someone who accepts you for who you are", but it's extremely difficult opening up on such topics, if I open up and the person runs away, I end up in depression and self-harming. 

 

I'm in therapy right now, but in the meantime I wanted to find support communities, people who are going through the same and who could understand better.

 

Thank you anyway for the advices

Hi, I think I'm outsider on this discussion but I'll comment anyway ^^ The myths you listed about "girls' no" are harmful ideas and can even lead to violence under wrong circumstances. I don't think people here don't support you, I think they (who replied to you) don't just support these harmful ideas about women. Which still doesn't mean they wouldn't understand why you'd choose to follow these harmful ideas under pressure - peer pressure has been a huge issue to many of us aces - it's just that people are worried about you. If you need peer support as an ace (or questioning), no doubt you'll find many relatable people here ^^

 

Oh, and if you're new here, here's a cake (it's a tradition to give cake to newcomers here)!