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Is it possible to be sorta Demi?


Boxofcrayons

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So. We are about to get real personal so I’m starting with pronouns. 😂 I’m a genderqueer person and my pronouns are Ze/Zir, everyone else in this store is she/her, thank you ❤️
 

About a year and a half ago my wife and I kind of put together that I am demisexual. This is good as I really like labels, and Demi mostly fits. Mostly. I really only enjoy sex for the bonding with my partner and for a release, but prefer masturbation to get there. I’m not sex repulsed, and if my wife wants to have sex I will do it to humor her and because I know it’s important to her. We only really engage in the act once every four months or so. 
 

Here is the thing though. We opened our relationship so she can get the sex that she needs to cope. It’s been working great, and much to everyone’s surprise, I ended up falling for and dating my lovely girlfriend. Then something weird happened. I wanted to have sex with her. Not wildly, not super frequently, maybe twice a month, but more than I have wanted to do so with my wife. Her (wife’s) feelings were hurt, and I felt so guilty. We talked and talked and got to a place where I decided maybe I just wasn’t asexual/Demi at all, but maybe just not sexually attracted to my wife, and was to my girlfriend? It didn’t sit right with me, because my wife and I had sex pretty frequently for the first few years of our relationship before it kind of petered out... but we came to an uneasy peace about it. 
 

Okay so that’s the backstory; here’s the question:

 

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year, and my libido is, well, petering out! I’m just not interested in sex with her anymore??? So I’m seeing a pattern here and I’m really confused. Is there a label for people who have a sexual appetite while a relationship ship is new and then it stops? Am I just an asshole? I love these women so deeply and none of my love, affection, or devotion to them has slown down, only grown, but I just don’t understand.
 

Help? 

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5 minutes ago, Boxofcrayons said:

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year, and my libido is, well, petering out! I’m just not interested in sex with her anymore???

I don’t have an answer for you but wanted to know that this is basically what happens to me, too.  You’re not alone.

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banana monkey

There is a word to describe this romantic orientation as I wondered if I was it once. So it follows that there would be one for the sexual equivielent just replacing the -romantic suffix with the - sexual suffix. I couldnt remember what it was. Fraysexual/romantic may be the closest I can find, look it up and see if it fits for you. 

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1 hour ago, Boxofcrayons said:

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over a year, and my libido is, well, petering out! I’m just not interested in sex with her anymore??? So I’m seeing a pattern here and I’m really confused. Is there a label for people who have a sexual appetite while a relationship ship is new and then it stops? Am I just an asshole? I love these women so deeply and none of my love, affection, or devotion to them has slown down, only grown, but I just don’t understand.
 

Help? 

Hi there :cake:

 

To be honest, what you described is just.. really, really common for sexual people. For anyone in a sexual relationship. It's very rare that you're actually able to maintain sexual desire for someone *long term*. It usually takes between 6 months and 4 years (depending on the relationship) for that 'sexual desire' to peter out. After that either the relationship falls apart or the couple realises that the strength of their friendship and love is enough, and after that sex changes a bit - For people with higher libidos it still happens relatively regularly, but it's more something they make special time for or whatever as opposed to that almost hormonal impulsive desire you experience in the earlier months/years. It's hard to explain.

 

But yeah for the vast majority of sexual people, sexual desire (for that specific person) does peter out after a time in at least some of their relationships. Heck I've known people who have had like 10+ previous relationships, all of which lasted less than a year because once the hormonal sexy phase was over they couldn't maintain the relationship anymore!! The desire was the only thing holding them together.

 

There isn't a label for this, other than.. like.. just something that almost everyone experiences and has to deal with sadly.

 

Ps: I'm not saying you're not demi or whatever, just that losing sexual desire for a partner after a period of time is very common and something many people who have had relationships have had to deal with!!!

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Yup, I think it's something normal.. I wouldn't say super common, since there's plenty of couples who keep being attracted sexually, but if you look at long marriages, you often hear how there's a lot less sex in the later years. Desire and freshness can go hand in hand sometimes. Thing is, people also  can realize that sex isn't everything, and focus on the love. But of course if you have strong enough libido, it can be a problem. There aren't many solutions besides what a lot of people do, which is try to spice things up, like role play or otherwise. Open relationships can work sometimes too I guess, but are kind of risky too due to how people can feel.

Did it take a while of connecting before you felt attracted to your partners? It could still be that you're demi, but it seems to kind of be the opposite if you get less sexual as you grow closer to them. But it definitely could be that you need more fresh desire after a while as well, which can maybe be an odd spot.

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