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I'm still confused about my sexuality... maybe TMI


Hiromi.

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So, I'm new to AVEN, but I came across asexuality about 3 years ago, it took me no time to realize I'm Gray-A. Since I got here, i have been seeing so many different identities/ labels, they are kinda confusing me, i know "Gray-A" is ambiguos term, so i'm trying to find out what I am, and i'm hoping you can help!

Here's my story!

For a long time I didn't know i was Ace, so I had a pretty active sex life (at least I thought so, latest development with my ex-bf turns out, i was not THAT active) and I would always find something amiss about it, and as a daughter of this sexual society that we live in, I had the belief that everybody liked sex, so how could I not. However, after quite some sex experimenting and a couple of years, I found out asexuality exists, and I'm allowed to not like sex, and that came with a sexual bf, and we struggle all the way through our relationship. 

The thing is, I get aroused pretty easily, I like the kissing, I like the touching, I like the foreplay and the provocation, doesn't really matter how, when or where, everything works perfectly, but at the moment someone tries to touch me down there, or get inside me, everything dries out instantly, I'm not aroused anymore. Which is hell, 'cause I either get myself out of there mentally and keep going or I have to stop everything (like, everything was great until you touched me, now i don't want it anymore...) how do you explain that ?!? no matter how caring and understanding the person is, most sexuals don't understand asexuality :c Somehow once a month/ every 2 months I can keep going like it's nothing, it's not a need, it is just not uncomfortable as it is in other times, and I can quite enjoy it. 
That's basically it, I still have not found someone similar to me, and idk, it's just confusing at some times, I just hope someone can help me be less confused about it 

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  • 4 weeks later...

There's many types of attraction. You might strongly feel sensual attraction which is hard to define but can be described as "emotional or physical desire to engage in sensual acts with the person that the attraction is felt towards (i.e. pleasure towards the senses including touch)". For many people sensual attraction can include heavy touching/petting but stops before sex. So maybe for you, you really like the feeling and intimacy that foreplay and sensual acts give you, but you don't want to progress any further into sex. 

 

Some people might tell you differently because they think they're better than everyone because they're 'true' asexuals, but if this is what you feel, you're valid! There are asexual people who engage in sex and that doesn't take away from their asexuality. There are ace people who never have sex and that is also fine. 

 

Personally, I get aroused easily, but that arousal isn't tied to any person. I get aroused but not because of a person, it just happens to my body. For you, it's okay to find your personal likes and dislikes and limits and from there, decide what your specific sexuality is. But know this, you are valid and I accept you, even if some other ace people won't. Your journey is personal and I am proud of you for making it this far!

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This is an interesting question that I’ve had as well. I’m still not sure of the specifics of where I land ever since I began the relationship with my partner. So I’m in a bit of a debate with myself as to where I land on the spectrum, Sensual-Asexual? Romantic-Asexual? Or maybe Demisexual? 

 

I’ve never found people sexually attractive and until this relationship began I’ve never liked being touched by people - Not even a brush on the shoulder. Somehow only he can touch me and I don’t have to wipe it away. However I’m not sure if I say I’m sexually attracted to him. I love it when we’re together just talking, working together, or just laying in bed holding each other. I think this would be under the umbrella of Sensual-Asexuality, right? 
 

Since this began, touch has progressed to intimacy, but not penetration and I’m not sure if I can. Number one reason is because it’s rather painful- so really not a fan of that-, number two begins the worry that I won’t like it. 

This is where I wonder about the demisexual side of the spectrum. It could possibly be that I just want a stronger bond before we progress to that. And this could be even more difficult because of a memory issue I have due to epilepsy so, I don’t get to keep as many of our memories as he does. This causes a bit of a hiccup in forming a bond because I lose a lot of pieces and I need them in order to build some solid ground on what we are. 

 

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