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Is anyone else afraid of sexual people?


Tyger Songbird

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Tyger Songbird
24 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It says in your profile that you're aro, so I'm not really sure why you wanna date anyway...?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not aro. I don't know what I am romantically. I'm confused over that. Some days I want to be with somebody, some days I don't. Some days I'm okay with things, some days I'm sad and lonely. I don't know. My feelings fluctuate over time. Maybe deep down I don't want to be alone forever. Who knows?

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

I don't know. Maybe I'm not aro. I don't know what I am romantically. I'm confused over that. Some days I want to be with somebody, some days I don't. Some days I'm okay with things, some days I'm sad and lonely. I don't know. My feelings fluctuate over time. Maybe deep down I don't want to be alone forever. Who knows?

It sounds very much like you're romantic to me, hella romantic.

 

I mean, this

17 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Why can't finding love be an easier endeavor? Why is it so hard to find others when you are asexual? It's so isolating, this life.

... does not sound like the lamenting of an aro, who generally have much more problem trying to get by *without* anyone trying to date them.

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Tyger Songbird
6 hours ago, Gwaeren said:

I dated some sexual guys, fortunately none of them were violent and “started ripping clothes off”. Of course, there are creeps, but I dare say the majority of people (at least those I know) are law-abiding and will ask for consent.

 

That being said, dating sexual as an asexual is hard because of really different needs. All of my attempts failed with various degrees of drama so I personally don’t recommend it, although other people might have more positive experiences.

 

”Forking over your body” isn’t something I recommend either, I tried it and just felt gross aftrwards.

Yeah, the whole "forking over my body" thing is completely out of the question for me. I had no interest in making such a crazy decision like that. I was just stating how for the most part that there is only one way for most, and that's you giving in to them (capitualtion). I've always heard how you were supposed to serve the sexual needs of your partner or not leave them unsatisfied. I had no desire for that. I want none of that, thank you.

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Tyger Songbird
20 minutes ago, CBC said:

You have a very warped reason of why people have sex a lot of the time, I think. Or at least you're framing it as this awful predatory thing. I understand why you feel as you do since you're not into it, but it's not like you're characterising it.

OK. Well, why don't you enlighten me then what it's all about, then? What's the allure behind this act of propogation that sexual people seem to think is so important? I obviously cannot see the reasons why. So, Inform me, since I clearly don't get it.

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I'm quite uncomfortable around cis-men (regardless if they're asexual, aromantic, both, or neither) due to bad experiences with several cis-men. 

 

However, it's important to remember that most sexuals aren't rapists. In fact, you not being interested is a turn off! Just like I have to remind myself most guys aren't interested in in a bio- female that isn't interested. 

 

It's scary when media and society keeps shoving the idea that sexuals or men can't keep it in their pants in your face all the time. However, you've got to remember it's not true, and it's actually insulting of society to keep generalizing sexuals and men like this all the time. 

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Tyger Songbird
7 hours ago, ScribalMarks said:

I think your fear is a little extreme, but understandable. Unfortunately, most people expect sex after going on dates, but they don't usually pounce on others to get it. 

Yeah, but I still wouldn't get behind any closed doors with anyone like that. That sounds rather naive if you ask me. I think we've seen enough college parties and sex scandals involving judges of what happens whenever you are behind closed doors with someone like that. It's a cornucopia of horny wanton. I don't think my fear is all too extreme when you think of it like that. Who knows that if and when the "passions awaken" as they inevitable would for a sexual person you are dealing with a completely different kind of person? You can't predict that in any way more than I can. Dr Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde is a rather true idea. Carl Jung talked about the Shadow archetype of people. People can be all sorts of things. You never know. The risk is real.

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RoseGoesToYale
15 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

So, what do you do if someone feels that way for you? How do you tell someone 'No sex please!' without starting a fight? I can only see conflict as inevitable at that point.

Truth is, there's really no way to know how anyone feels about you unless they tell you, or their actions heavily imply their feelings. You can't control other people's feelings, you can only control your own feelings and actions.

 

As for conflict, it's certainly not a given. Most people when they realize they're not going to get what they're looking for from a person will move on to someone else. It's not worth the effort to start such a fight. It's a big reason why people date, to determine relationship compatibility, and if both parties realize they're not compatible, sexually or otherwise, they can move on.

 

3 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Yeah, but I still wouldn't get behind any closed doors with anyone like that. That sounds rather naive if you ask me. I think we've seen enough college parties and sex scandals involving judges of what happens whenever you are behind closed doors with someone like that. It's a cornucopia of horny wanton. I don't think my fear is all too extreme when you think of it like that. Who knows that if and when the "passions awaken" as they inevitable would for a sexual person you are dealing with a completely different kind of person? You can't predict that in any way more than I can. Dr Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde is a rather true idea. Carl Jung talked about the Shadow archetype of people. People can be all sorts of things. You never know. The risk is real.

This is not realistic. People do not turn into raging uncontrollable monsters simply because they experience sexual desire. If they did, we would not have the society we do, it would be completely dysfunctional.

 

In life, you're going to be behind closed doors with individuals plenty of times with people who 90-something percent of the time are going to have a sexual orientation other than asexual. Doctors office, interviewing for a job, requesting a loan from a bank, you name it. Are they all going to be attracted to you and want sex? No. And to spend all your time worrying and that they inevitably will and avoiding them goes beyond a simple fear, it's a phobia.

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17 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

what happens whenever you are behind closed doors with someone like that

Certainly things *can* happen but most people aren’t “like that,” just like most people (ace and sexual alike) won’t murder you just because they can.

 

The news doesn’t announce all the times someone goes behind closed doors and nothing happens because it doesn’t sell like juicy gossip does.

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Tyger Songbird
5 minutes ago, CBC said:

Human connection.

 

Honestly I'm not sure I can explain it to someone who seemingly has no ability to understand the intimacy and connection aspect. You don't have to feel it on a personal level obviously, but... that's kind of it. It's intimate, it requires trust, it's best when you love someone, it feels good, it's the closest you can get to another person, etc. For sure we're wired to want sex, but it's not purely an animalistic thing done for the sake of reproduction. You kinda just have to take the word of sexual people that that's how it is for us, just like we have to understand that it doesn't work that way for asexuals.

Oh. Well, I just wish we could find another way to connect, really. You know what I find as true intimacy? Two hearts and minds who are on the same accord, sense when the other is down or up, and understand each other like the back of the hand. I find that much more lovely, if you ask me. How that act is associated with anything of love is something I'll never understand.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Yeah, as someone who suffers from paranoia, anxiety and phobias, this all does sound very familiar, in practice if not details. I would strongly suggest seeing a professional about this before it gets any worse.

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Tyger Songbird
34 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

In life, you're going to be behind closed doors with individuals plenty of times with people who 90-something percent of the time are going to have a sexual orientation other than asexual. Doctors office, interviewing for a job, requesting a loan from a bank, you name it. Are they all going to be attracted to you and want sex? No. And to spend all your time worrying and that they inevitably will and avoiding them goes beyond a simple fear, it's a phobia.

OK. Well, the fact of the matter is there are contexts with this. In a doctor's office, there is no context whatsoever related to sex. It's a job and to check up on health. The same thing with a job interview or a bank. There is no reason for sexual business to ever pop up. Although, there are now cases of doctors doing inappropriate things with their patients---the Evelyn Yang case. That doctor has a bunch of charges. He's not the only 1 either. Apparently, there are plenty of doctors who could be nymphomaniacs like that. 

 

My concern is not with working with others. My concern is being around people when it's non-vocational. That's what's most concerning for me. How do you make friends with sexual people when their form of fun is to go get laid on the weekend? That's what's the scary part. Relationships in general are already hard as is for me. Now, this person has a libidinal conflagration that needs putting out. It seems too difficult to find any commonality with them. They are sexual in nature; I'm not. How are you supposed to be friends with someone who could have ulterior motives like that?

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, FaerieFate said:

I'm quite uncomfortable around cis-men (regardless if they're asexual, aromantic, both, or neither) due to bad experiences with several cis-men. 

 

However, it's important to remember that most sexuals aren't rapists. In fact, you not being interested is a turn off! Just like I have to remind myself most guys aren't interested in in a bio- female that isn't interested. 

 

It's scary when media and society keeps shoving the idea that sexuals or men can't keep it in their pants in your face all the time. However, you've got to remember it's not true, and it's actually insulting of society to keep generalizing sexuals and men like this all the time. 

Well, then isn't it up to the rest of us as a society to tell them to stop making sex stuff all the time? There is a bit of Manufacturing Consent there with what you said. Can we just not tell them to stop sexualizing us? It could very well be a possibility. A rebellion against it?

 

Now, on your other point, you've just proven my point. You've had bad experiences with cis-men. Well, then why is it not rational to be nervous around everyone? Could your story not be a cautionary tale? Could the story of the 3 girls abducted by Ariel Castro or the girls raped by Epstein be a cautionary tale? I mean, with the amount of teacher scandals, can I not say that I could point to women being potential rapists too? Hmm...

 

Maybe if I wore a sign that says "Hands off! Not your sexual target.", it would be easy to ward off suspecting people. However, it seems that the majority of people have a conscious where they hunger for it, and they will do anything for that craving in that moment. What if it's you?

 

Some people don't take no for an answer: there's a word for that, and I think a lot of people don't know they do it either.

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Certainly things *can* happen but most people aren’t “like that,” just like most people (ace and sexual alike) won’t murder you just because they can.

 

The news doesn’t announce all the times someone goes behind closed doors and nothing happens because it doesn’t sell like juicy gossip does.

While most people certainly don't murder (otherwise our jails would be overcrowded even more), I don't think I need to be a forensic pathologist to know that there are clearly criteria and situations where a murder is more than likely to happen, per se. Life insurance policies, divorce custody battles, and yes sexual affairs. I've read enough true crime stories to know that you can start piecing the puzzle to a murder once people start having sex with each other or outside their marriages. Yup, it's just factual at that point. Sure, plenty of killers rob convenience stores for money, but it sure seems that many killers just lie right next to you in bed.

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48 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

How do you make friends with sexual people when their form of fun is to go get laid on the weekend?

I'm sexual and haven't had sex in like 9 years. My form of weekend fun is staying up late (by myself) watching a movie on the laptop while doing some drawing. We aren't all degenerate fiends :P

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, CBC said:

And that's fine that you don't understand on a personal level. You don't need to, but you do need to accept that sexual people experience sex differently than you do.

 

Fwiw, people in loving relationships who also happen to desire sex experience all that other stuff you mentioned as well. We're not missing any of that.

Well, then, why do you need to do the whole act in the 1st place? After all, if you have the most wonderful emotional bond, why does sex have to be entered into the equation? Why not just eat an ice cream sandwich instead or something? Why can't that be an act of love?

7 minutes ago, CBC said:

Definitely NOT the majority. If it was the majority, everyone would be getting raped all the time.

 

You gotta step back and see this for what people keep telling you it is -- anxiety that's currently out of control.

You're not getting what I mean. With anyone (consent or otherwise), I consider sex when it involves me unwanted. If anyone were to remotely try having sex with me, I would consider it rape. Love without sex makes total sense to me, but why even do that act? It makes no sense to me. So, once sexuality is entered into the equation, I'm lost.

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30 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

...Love without sex makes total sense to me, but why even do that act? It makes no sense to me. So, once sexuality is entered into the equation, I'm lost...

Hi. Last year, some sexuals attempted to explain why sex was important to them, on at least one AVEN thread.

 

But, perhaps, this might help explain what some sexuals feel, why they feel the need to have sex, etc.:https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/loving_vs_lusting

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Did you just really suggest I... eat an ice cream sandwich as an expression of emotion... instead of have sex?

OK. I made a huge snafu when I was stating that. I was trying to overall state my displeasure of the idea that physical closeness to one another automatically is seen or brought up as ersatz sex. I mean, some people won't even hug you if it's not a sexual type of thing. Some places discourage hugging because they feel it can "arouse sexual urges" in others or "appear sexually inappropriate". Well, aren't I lucky! Hello?! How else is someone like me going to get any sort of warmth and affection if I can't even be hugged. It's so weird how everything has to be about sex for everyone else to make sense, when it doesn't for me. It's like there's this forcefield that everyone can pass through that I can't, where everyone else in the world can find and receive love, yet somehow I'm frozen out. It's impossible. How can one expect to get close to someone iwhen the only way someone is getting close to you involves you without clothes? How comforting can getting close to somebody be when it feels horrifying and traumatizing? I don't know how to make it less threatening.

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After reading through this it sounds to me like your sex-repulsion is extremely severe.
You don't want people to have sexual thoughts about you because that in itself feels like a violation, is that correct? As a sex-averse ace I can relate to that, and what helped me the most was just talking to people to get a better understanding of them. I have a friend who is attracted to me, which in general is something that I'm quite uncomfortable with, but it hasn't affected our relationship one bit. I know she doesn't go around thinking predatory thoughts about me or expect things from me. 

The media focuses on telling stories of predators but doesn't reflect our society as a whole. No one writes an article about the time that dude in Minnesota told his partner "No sex please!" and the partner responded "Okay, cool" and nothing shocking that would cause a person to buy a newspaper happened.

You can't put yourself on a pedestal over others and reduce them to nothing but beasts overcome by animalistic instinct, humans are much too complex and nuanced for that. Making everything boil down to sexual attraction and claiming that you can't have anything in common with a sexual person is harmful both to yourself and to others. You may still share hobbies or political beliefs, you may still form an emotional connection. Unfortunately, you won't get a chance to experience that if you let your fear control you. 

 

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Tyger Songbird
5 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It sounds very much like you're romantic to me, hella romantic.

 

I mean, this

... does not sound like the lamenting of an aro, who generally have much more problem trying to get by *without* anyone trying to date them.

Maybe I'm not. I guess I was trying to deny the loneliness for the longest. I'm confused. My feelings are confusing.

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Whore*of*Mensa

@tygersongbird Im sorry you’re having a hard time in life, and on AVEN 

 

I don’t find your feelings difficult to understand. I have always felt uncomfortable in this sexual world, and finding out about asexuality and reading about the sexual experience hasn’t made me feel more comfortable at all. In fact it’s had the opposite effect.

 

Ironically I think that AVEN can sometimes make you feel as if everything is about sex - as it’s the main topic of conversation! It’s not the healthiest environment when you’re struggling with fears or repulsion. I’d recommend trying to spend time in the real world with normal people who are just getting on with stuff and focusing on other things apart from sexual needs etc. 

 

You seem to to be feeling fragile and I think that’s fine and understandable. Be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself into anything you are not comfortable with, and know that you’re not alone in the way you feel. I hope you can find support to help you through it. 

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All I am ever afraid of is to disappoint the others and lose them through that.

 

Also I get anxious that people will mistake my sensual attraction for sexual and then I have to disappoint them.

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, frostboot said:

After reading through this it sounds to me like your sex-repulsion is extremely severe.
You don't want people to have sexual thoughts about you because that in itself feels like a violation, is that correct? As a sex-averse ace I can relate to that, and what helped me the most was just talking to people to get a better understanding of them. I have a friend who is attracted to me, which in general is something that I'm quite uncomfortable with, but it hasn't affected our relationship one bit. I know she doesn't go around thinking predatory thoughts about me or expect things from me. 

I'm more worried when people start having sexual images about me that they will start to come on to me. I'm worried they will start getting those horny vibes and that they will start trying to sex me. As the saying goes "Watch your thoughts, they become your habits." I'm more worried that this person will start looking to be freaky with me and try to get me into the bedroom. That's what's scary about it all. I'm more worried of having to say no and being peer pressured into having to have sex. I'm more worried that people will overpower me in that regard--not like physically overpower me but rather subside my objections into sexual compulsion. Putting the squeeze on me. That's what I am worried about. I'm worried they'll try to pull a fast one on me. That's why I don't want sexual thoughts to even come into play. That way there's no risk of it ever happening or of me being victimized.

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Tyger Songbird
31 minutes ago, Artila said:

All I am ever afraid of is to disappoint the others and lose them through that.

 

Also I get anxious that people will mistake my sensual attraction for sexual and then I have to disappoint them.

Oh, yeah. Isn't that the truth? I guess the only thing more disappointing to think about is the off-chance we had sex anyway. I don't even think I even know what sex is, let alone how to have it. That is not something I have a great depth of knowledge about, really.

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Some of the earlier comments reminded me of 1950s movies (nightcap, etc), and lots of references to movies that may be making you think in this way. And if you watch cable tv I'd expect more sex scenes there than say regular tv.

 

As for dreams, I'm a firm believer in "characters/place holders" in dreams. so if you have a chase scene in a dream, you might think you're running from someone you know, but it's just a person you know was put into the dream as the place holder character. so it's really not anything to be afraid of. Wake up, shake it off, and go about your day.

 

As for sexual-ish behavior, I think it's possible to really cut down on flirtatious behavior and be extremely asexual around sexual people, so this sort of thing wouldn't even come up for the most part. I get it that people have all kinds of thoughts pop into their head, that doesn't mean their sexing you, or I would never think that.

 

If you're having a variety of emotions one day to the next, you should get a goal in your head as to what you want from a relationship. To me, that's the most important aspect of discovering Ace concepts/words. There may not be many of us Ace types but why waste your time with non-Ace people for relationships if that's not what you want. Even as far as friends, if they're doing stuff you can't jive with, then don't be their friend. Find other friends, take up hobbies, etc.

 

So to answer your question, no, I'm not scared of sexual people (although how can you tell just by looking at them?), but I wouldn't choose a sexual person for a relationship either.

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Tyger Songbird
54 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

@tygersongbird Im sorry you’re having a hard time in life, and on AVEN 

 

I don’t find your feelings difficult to understand. I have always felt uncomfortable in this sexual world, and finding out about asexuality and reading about the sexual experience hasn’t made me feel more comfortable at all. In fact it’s had the opposite effect.

 

Ironically I think that AVEN can sometimes make you feel as if everything is about sex - as it’s the main topic of conversation! It’s not the healthiest environment when you’re struggling with fears or repulsion. I’d recommend trying to spend time in the real world with normal people who are just getting on with stuff and focusing on other things apart from sexual needs etc. 

 

You seem to to be feeling fragile and I think that’s fine and understandable. Be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself into anything you are not comfortable with, and know that you’re not alone in the way you feel. I hope you can find support to help you through it. 

Thank you. I am glad to hear of others who know how I feel. Thanks.

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3 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Some places discourage hugging because they feel it can "arouse sexual urges" in others or "appear sexually inappropriate".

When a business says this, they mean “we are going to every possible extreme to prevent anything that could ever generate a lawsuit,” not “hugging flips a switch in sexual people that turns them into insatiable sex machines.”

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Maybe I'm not. I guess I was trying to deny the loneliness for the longest. I'm confused. My feelings are confusing.

Yes they are, took me nigh on 7 years *in* some sort of relationship to admit I was romantic. Guess why? Anxiety.

 

56 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

I'm more worried when people start having sexual images about me that they will start to come on to me. I'm worried they will start getting those horny vibes and that they will start trying to sex me. As the saying goes "Watch your thoughts, they become your habits." I'm more worried that this person will start looking to be freaky with me and try to get me into the bedroom. That's what's scary about it all. I'm more worried of having to say no and being peer pressured into having to have sex. I'm more worried that people will overpower me in that regard--not like physically overpower me but rather subside my objections into sexual compulsion. Putting the squeeze on me. That's what I am worried about. I'm worried they'll try to pull a fast one on me. That's why I don't want sexual thoughts to even come into play. That way there's no risk of it ever happening or of me being victimized.

Look I'm gonna say this once more then I'm giving up: you have serious anxiety/paranoia, please seek help.

 

None of these thoughts are within even the scope of even sex repulsion. I'm sex repulsed, I still look away or stick a pillow in front of my face when there's a sex scene on telly, but I'm not avoiding everyone on the basis they are sexual beings. I still manage to go to my autism group with tens of others, 90%+ of whom are sexual, without worrying they're gonna assault me in the bogs. I volunteer at a railway with some right dirty minded bastards (a term I use affectionately), without panicking they're gonna grope me in the pit. I've been to the houses of people I know are sexual (once getting to know them of course), without fearing they're going to turn into a sex-driven lunatic cos their partner is currently away. I've made some extremely close bonds with humans who happen to be sexual, humans who've helped me through some of my darkest moments. Not once has worrying about their sexuality come into the picture - I've never even asked about it with the majority of people I've met.

 

It's fine to never want sex, and you clearly should never be in a relationship with a sexual, but being afraid everyone's trying to jedi mind trick you into fucking them, or that they're going to grope you cos they are average sexuals, isn't healthy. You are literally letting your fear ruin chances of friendship, love and even basic life, and that is what clinical phobias and anxiety are.

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Whore*of*Mensa

Leave them alone my God  they’re just talking through some anxiety not accusing anyone of rape

 

You’ve all made the same point several times now

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41 minutes ago, Balance said:

why waste your time with non-Ace people for relationships if that's not what you want. Even as far as friends, if they're doing stuff you can't jive with, then don't be their friend.

Agreed... just like incompatible politics, incompatible views on drinking/drugs, etc., if you and a potential date or friend have incompatible views on sex to the point either of you is uncomfortable it’s probably not a good relationship (romantic or friendship) for either of you.

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Whore*of*Mensa

If you don’t want to help this person with their anxieties then just leave them alone

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