Is anyone else afraid of sexual people?

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Leave them alone my God  they’re just talking through some anxiety not accusing anyone of rape

 

You’ve all made the same point several times now

I think several people with a history of crippling anxiety are trying to steer OP on a course (early treatment) that might help OP avoid the pain they (we) suffered on account of said anxiety.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I think several people with a history of crippling anxiety are trying to steer OP on a course (early treatment) that might help OP avoid the pain they (we) suffered on account of said anxiety.

Some are

 

Although this is a normal feeling actually which may get out of proportion on here

 

Maybe they just want to talk through how they feel without judgement?

 

Some are being extremely unhelpful by trying to put the OP down,  creating outrage about them supposedly accusing all sexuals of being rapists - and so many people are saying the same thing it’s starting to look like mobbing. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

7 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Leave them alone my God  they’re just talking through some anxiety not accusing anyone of rape

 

You’ve all made the same point several times now

They are literally afraid of people raping them, that's what unwanted sexual contact is. We're trying to make them realise this is a worry that is being blown entirely out of proportion.

[ryn2]

47 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

this is a normal feeling actually which may get out of proportion

Well, that’s what a phobia is, no?

[ryn2]

48 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Some are being extremely unhelpful by trying to put the OP down,  creating outrage about them supposedly accusing all sexuals of being rapists - and so many people are saying the same thing it’s starting to look like mobbing.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinion but that’s not what I see in the responses.  I see:

 

OP: [question]
responders: “that’s not actually how it works”

OP: “actually it’s worse than that”

responders: “oh, come on, that’s ridiculous!”

OP: [statement that sounds less argumentative and more irrational]
responders: “ohhhh, this sounds like a phobia.  please get help with it before it eats you alive!”

[Homer]

9 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

You know what I find as true intimacy? Two hearts and minds who are on the same accord, sense when the other is down or up, and understand each other like the back of the hand.

Sometimes sexual people achieve just that by having sex. Many roads lead to Rome.

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, CBC said:

Not sure why that's so hard for some to comprehend intellectually, even if they don't get it on a gut level.

I suppose if you’re repulsed it could sound a bit like “...and then we cuddle up by the toilet and vomit together!  It’s so romantic.”

[Balance]

30 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I suppose if you’re repulsed it could sound a bit like “...and then we cuddle up by the toilet and vomit together!  It’s so romantic.”

That is kind of what i think of oral sex. bleah. 

[Balance]

I'm guessing the ice cream sandwich comment was about having a snack, meal, something together and bonding that way. I agree, you can bond that way.

 

I understand that sexual people do bond with sex, and that's great!  And on the other hand, many Ace people bond before it ever gets to that point, and are repulsed by sex in general.

 

I also say to my friends, I can talk about ___ topic for a few minutes but after that you should talk to a therapist, coach, priest/rabbi, etc, and keep friendship level time with us. I'm not equipped to provide "professional psychotherapy" answers, other than this is what I experience, not: here are all the answers (since I don't know). But I can seriously relate to being scared, just not specifically about what you described.

[Philip027]

Afraid?  No, but I generally am averse to becoming friends or otherwise spending time with the very sexually driven people (like, the very explicit people who can never shut up about it) because they just tend to make me feel too alien.

 

Don't worry, the vast majority of people are surprisingly not rapists, and will actually respect boundaries if you communicate them.

[WanderingKate]

To add on a bit...

Hoping my experiences will help you...you say you're afraid of going out to bars, nightclubs, etc. I want to preface this with saying I don't think it's always wise to go alone to such places, but if you're in a group...I've never had an issue. I go out to bars in the city with my friends at least once a month, a group of 3 or 4 of us usually. This has been going on for a year-- as of yet, no issues. The worst thing that's happened is a guy started "grinding" dancing on me without my permission, so what did I do? I simply made a face and walked away. It didn't ruin my night. He got the picture and left me alone. Besides that, we've never had any kind of issue. People are there to flirt, sure. But if you don't flirt back, the vast majority will see that you are uninterested and move on. There will be a lot of people at any party/bar that you go to- the likelihood that someone will become absolutely obsessed with you and won't take no for an answer is basically zero. For the vast majority of sexual people, if they get rejected, they will just move on and find someone else to flirt with if they like. Being sexual isn't the equivalent of being a sexual predator. 

That being said, you said you also fear being "coerced" into sex or "talked into sex" or something along the lines of it...if you clearly and strongly don't want sex, how would that happen? Unless someone truly did physically overpower you, which again is rape, and highly unlikely to occur? No one is going to be able to "trick you" into having sex if you are this sex repulsed. It simply won't happen. 

Again, all that being said- if parties and bars aren't your scene, and you don't feel welcome there, that's okay. If you have no desire to party anyway, you certainly don't have to. A lot of sexual people don't like the club scene either. However, if you do truly want to be able to party and go out on a Friday night but aren't doing so out of fear, than that's letting your fear control your life, and letting it impact your chance of happiness. And if you're not allowing yourself to go to *any* social event with people out of fear of rape or sexual coercion, than this is a massive problem that will eventually end up isolating you and adding to the loneliness you already say you're experiencing. 

 

My advice, to echo what others have said, is to definitely look into getting treatment for your mental health- it sounds like you have a fairly massive phobia on your hands, and it's liming your quality of life. Don't wait until your fear/anxiety isolates you from the world and makes you miserable. You deserve to be happy. 

Also, again I highly, highly recommend taking a self-defense course in the meantime, and practicing speaking up for yourself so that you are comfortable saying "no" if anyone tries to flirt with you. This will not cure your phobia, but in the meantime it may help give you a sense of control. You aren't powerless. You have the ability to say no and to protect yourself. Remember that. Hopefully this helped...wishing you the best. 

 

 

 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I suppose if you’re repulsed it could sound a bit like “...and then we cuddle up by the toilet and vomit together!  It’s so romantic.”

I'm repulsed and cannot in any way fathom why sex is connected to love; I'm in a very soppy romantic relationship and the thought of sex just completely ruins it. But I can accept that just like my natural inclination to vehicles isn't the case for the majority, I accept that romantic-sex is as important for sexuals as me and my car's long drives and romantic-time is for us. Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't always understand why others do things we can't grasp, and have to take their word for it.

[Abigail Rose]

5 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I'm more worried when people start having sexual images about me that they will start to come on to me. I'm worried they will start getting those horny vibes and that they will start trying to sex me. As the saying goes "Watch your thoughts, they become your habits." I'm more worried that this person will start looking to be freaky with me and try to get me into the bedroom. That's what's scary about it all. I'm more worried of having to say no and being peer pressured into having to have sex. I'm more worried that people will overpower me in that regard--not like physically overpower me but rather subside my objections into sexual compulsion. Putting the squeeze on me. That's what I am worried about. I'm worried they'll try to pull a fast one on me. That's why I don't want sexual thoughts to even come into play. That way there's no risk of it ever happening or of me being victimized.

The very fact that you are aware of these concerns should comfort you. You have all the same tools to heal from this as any other person that has ever suffered at the hands of another. You are justified in your concern that you may occasionally face situations which are foreign or unwelcome even. I suggest you look at your ability to change things in your environment to suit your comfort zone. I can't give specific examples as I do not know you in real life but you surely know what comforts your soul better than anyone. Surround yourself with this and find comfort. Your panic and fear cannot survive if you build your life on a foundation of safety and self appreciation. I may say it pretty now but I was where you are right now. For some of us what we fear has already happened to us. Take comfort that you do not share that reality. You have the advantage of seeing something you wish to protect yourself from before it has happened. I encourage you to take charge of your life before someone else does. Terrence Mckenna said, If you don't have a plan you will become part of someone else's. Silence4now

[ScribalMarks]

14 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

While most people certainly don't murder (otherwise our jails would be overcrowded even more), I don't think I need to be a forensic pathologist to know that there are clearly criteria and situations where a murder is more than likely to happen, per se. Life insurance policies, divorce custody battles, and yes sexual affairs. I've read enough true crime stories to know that you can start piecing the puzzle to a murder once people start having sex with each other or outside their marriages. Yup, it's just factual at that point. Sure, plenty of killers rob convenience stores for money, but it sure seems that many killers just lie right next to you in bed.

Interesting that you link sex so heavily to murder. You don't  do the same with other factors which play a greater role in the likelihood of this crime, like drugs, machismo or misanthropy. To me this indicates an exaggerated fear of sexuals. I also am a fan of true crime, and have had family members that were murdered, yet am not resigning myself to complete isolation for fear of being killed.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I will say, I don't see this thread going anywhere at this point. We've all basically said the same things and ultimately is now veering away from what the OP was originally talking about.

 

To the OP... if this thread has been completely unhelpful, it is all the more reason to speak to speak to a counselor or psychologist. (And we as online posters can only do so much, give our honest opinion, etc, but we can't be as impartial as the professionals because we weren't trained for that) They will listen to you without judgement and are bound by law to keep what you tell them confidential. You do not have to like sex, you do not ever have to have sex. That is perfectly normal and plenty of people feel the same way. But it sounds like you have a crippling fear of rape, and perhaps of people in general. They don't care whether you like sex or not or whether you have any, but it is their job to help you cope with your fears so you can live your life in a healthy, productive way. If you don't like the idea of in-person, lots of them do consultations online or by phone or email. Thing is, we could tell you to go get professional help until we're blue in the face, but it has to be something you're willing to do, that involves keeping an open mind and listening to suggestions.

 

If you see no issue with it, that's fine. You may go about your business, but I don't know what else we can do for you here. Most people on earth live and work with others of varying sexual preferences peacefully and without incident, because otherwise society wouldn't function at all.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

Yeah I have no interest in sex with someone who doesn't want sex with me. Like, none.

I think women more often feel this way than men do. Quite a lot of men seem interested in having sex with women who aren't interested back. That's where you get issues with men thinking they can convert lesbians (as well as asexuals, but people don't even really know or accept that we exist).

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Leave them alone my God  they’re just talking through some anxiety not accusing anyone of rape

 

You’ve all made the same point several times now

I've been reading through this thread and I see it a bit differently than you I think.

 

What I'm seeing is that others (both sexual and ace) are trying to help the OP see things from a perspective they may not have been exposed to before if they've only been around sexual people and not been able to discuss these things with any of them out of fear. I think it's quite healthy to be able to see another perspective instead of being like... stuck? in one's own thoughts and ideas etc.

 

Everyone is also encouraging the OP to seek therapy (or some kind of professional help) and that may help OP realise that what they are experiencing isn't a normal or healthy way to live! This is negatively affecting their life to a great extent (they are suffering from extreme paranoia and possibly delusions too) and at this point, professional help is the best thing for them I believe. 

 

So yeah, I didn't personally see any of this as necessarily negative. It can be helpful to see how other people think and feel sometimes, when you've been stuck in one specific bubble for ages with only your own ideas and impressions to reinforce the negative things you're believing. We have actually had some very sex negative (antisexual) people come through AVEN in the past who have even been able to change some of their ideas once they get into actual conversations with people on here, in this safe environment (which is different than being out in the 'real world' where the idea of having a conversation with someone can be really scary!!). So this kind of discussion can actually sometimes be beneficial in a number of ways for people stuck in the position the OP has sadly found themselves in. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

It's helpful that people are expressing what they believe to be true because the majority of people tend to have perspectives that are healthier than those of someone with extreme anxiety and/or paranoia. It's why they don't have crippling anxiety, because they are viewing the world more realistically. Whatever most people believe is usually accurate.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

14 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

We have actually had some very sex negative (antisexual) people come through AVEN in the past who have even been able to change some of their ideas once they get into actual conversations with people on here, in this safe environment (which is different than being out in the 'real world' where the idea of having a conversation with someone can be really scary!!).

*raises wheel*

[Tyger Songbird]

On 1/20/2020 at 9:33 AM, CBC said:

Yeah I have no interest in sex with someone who doesn't want sex with me. Like, none. I've had unrequited romantic feelings, sure... some pretty epic ones about 9-10 years ago that I never even communicated to the person because our sexual orientations were just completely incompatible and even if they weren't we almost surely would've been a terrible match when it came down to creating an actual relationship together... but even in that case, even when I have feelings for someone, if it's not reciprocal I would never even try to convince them to have sex with me. That would feel abusive at worst and emotionally unfulfilling at best. (And "emotionally unfulfilling" is what sex with an asexual person felt like to me. They had romantic feelings for me but no innate sexual desire despite being willing.)

Well, I am glad you wouldn't. It seems with a huge swath of things out there, there's little to no chance of any relationships happening with someone who's sexual. Most people automatically want that sexual energy in their life, and I don't. Sexual energy in general makes me uncomfortable in a paralyzing way. I wish there was a way to find a relationship for me. However, I guess being in a relationship is not something I can do, can I?

[R_1]

I'm just gonna mention here that I am not afraid of sexual people, but I would be super uncomfortable if you were catcalling me. Been there two times, that was not very comfortable. A college-aged girl looking up and down while I was asking for instructions or guidance of a building, and there's another one telling me how hot I am and how she likes to bang men with my figure. Yeah, never again want to experience it.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

All I will say is that a lifetime of being asexual plus being a fallen woman 😮 unmarried and single, yet pregnant 😮 and so many many other things, have all taught me never to listen to the majority viewpoint or tell anyone that the way they feel is wrong. 

 

Someone mentioned that there is a ‘correct’ viewpoint to have on this - I’m sorry but no there isn’t - it’s all subjective and you shouldn’t be so dictatorial. 

 

The OP just asked if anyone else experienced the same feelings. Sometimes sexual people can appear quite predatory so I answered yes, I have experienced this feeling but still managed to live my life without therapy (not that I could ever afford therapy  - so, you know, that ranks among the least useful advice ever) given that the medical profession considers me to be a sane and functioning adult. Despite me requesting help for such minor issues..

 

Given that on another thread I was involved in, the same people as on this thread have been saying that kids shouldn’t wear bikinis in case they  attract  paedophiles - then doing a 180 degree turn here and  saying it’s unreasonable to be afraid of sexual predators - I just don’t think anyone here is thinking about this on any kind of deep and meaningful level. Or managing to come out with a coherent integrated philosophy on the subject. 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

I’m not having a go at anyone honestly I just wish people could be a bit more rational when giving advice

 

My point is that as a society we raise kids to be afraid of sexual predators 

 

Then tell adults is unreasonable to be afraid of sexual predators

 

They do exist obviously. It’s not totally irrational to worry.

 

Bring paranoid may well have saved me from harm on some occasions. That’s all.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

19 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

My point is that as a society we raise kids to be afraid of sexual predators 

 

Then tell adults is unreasonable to be afraid of sexual predators

 

They do exist obviously. It’s not totally irrational to worry.

 

Bring paranoid may well have saved me from harm on some occasions. That’s all.

No one said it's unreasonable to be afraid - in fact I have even said I understand and take care myself, on both threads - because these sick bastards do exist. The OP however is frightened to an extreme degree. They seem to be afraid of everyone in every sort of situation. That is unhealthy, that is literally, a phobia. I say this as someone who just a few weeks ago ended up mute due to anxiety with my own friend group, for a fucking hour. Anxiety is not a fun way to live; we just don't want OP to let this get any worse because I guarantee you - I'll even bet you a tenner - if left untreated it will.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

No one said it's unreasonable to be afraid - in fact I have even said I understand and take care myself, on both threads - because these sick bastards do exist. The OP however is frightened to an extreme degree. They seem to be afraid of everyone in every sort of situation. That is unhealthy, that is literally, a phobia. I say this as someone who just a few weeks ago ended up mute due to anxiety with my own friend group, for a fucking hour. Anxiety is not a fun way to live, we just don't want OP to let this get any worse because I guarantee you - I'll even bet you a tenner - if left untreated it will.

I guess the OP knows their own mind and feelings and I’m sure they appreciate the well meaning advice.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

 

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

I was giving the most rational advice I could conceive of, actually.

I’m sure that’s true 

[ryn2]

32 minutes ago, CBC said:

Just publicly declaring that I'm not one of those people you're referring to, because I haven't a clue what other thread you're talking about due to not being involved in it.

Same.  Not going hunting for it either!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

17 hours ago, CBC said:

It is, yes, because professional help is the most rational advice.

Fair enough. Let's hope they're able to access some then, otherwise having 5 or 6 people repeatedly inform them that they must seek it IMMEDIATELY might just have been a tad dispiriting.