Tyger Songbird Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Let me start this with a bit of a trigger warning. This does speak of some dark sexual themes, really. This can be a bit traumatic. So, lately the past month, I have had the same dream overall. Better yet, it's more of a nightmare, really. This dream involves me being trapped in a dark room overall with absolutely no chance of escape, and in the meanwhile, I am pinned down unable to free myself from the situation, and ultimately I am raped or fighting for survival. Even though I know that it's all a dream and that it's not really happening, it just feels as if it's real. The last few weeks I have awakened with chest palpitations, completely elevated blood pressure, heart racing, and night sweats to the wazoo. It's really scary of a dream. Now, I don't know what to say overall. I know not every sexual person is a potential rapist, but I know that there is an expectation that overall exists in relationships that dating=sex. One could say that not everyone would look to rape you, but it doesn't mean that rape isn't highly prevalent or the one person you could meet is a potential rapist as well. It could be said that not everybody is an accoster of sorts. It doesn't change the fact that 99% of people have this instinct to screw that you don't inside. Is that not intimidating? I know that is what most people overall want in a relationship. Shoot, you don't even have to be in a relationship with someone. It can just be a FWB. I guess that's why I have always been afraid of getting into a relationship with someone who is a sexual person. I worry that eventually they will start feeling "frisky" and start wanting sex with me. I mean, isn't that how a lot of sexual people are? A few dates and then people want to start having sex with you. I don't know. I don't want this to come across as elitist or snobby, as if I'm casting all aspersions on sexual people. I just don't know how to overall interact with those who are overall sexual. I mean, in a hive-minded mentality, it's easier to deal with only asexual people, since it's universally agreed that no sex will possibly happen. However, when it comes to other sexual people, it's hard to know. Will they just start getting handsy and try to rip your clothes off? Is that something out of the possibility? I'm not too knowledgeable with that. I just feel as if it's easier to be with someone who's asexual-like than it is to be with someone who that kind of sexual appetite. So, I don't honestly know what to say overall when it comes to sexual people. It's rather intimidating. Do you just give in when this sexual person wants sex? Do you just in a sense "Fork your body over" to this individual and let them have their way with you? Is that the expectation one must do to be in love? If so, then is it any shock that I would be afraid? Does anyone have a bit of fear of sexual people when it comes to interacting with them? Anyone else kind of like me? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ScribalMarks Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I think your fear is a little extreme, but understandable. Unfortunately, most people expect sex after going on dates, but they don't usually pounce on others to get it. Even when they do it is usually after looking for and giving out sexual cues, often verbal rather than flat-out physical ones like groping. I am guessing you are someone who is prone to anxiety / neurosis, who tends to overthink in (social) situations. If so then your fear is probably an offshoot of this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gwaeron Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I dated some sexual guys, fortunately none of them were violent and “started ripping clothes off”. Of course, there are creeps, but I dare say the majority of people (at least those I know) are law-abiding and will ask for consent. That being said, dating sexual as an asexual is hard because of really different needs. All of my attempts failed with various degrees of drama so I personally don’t recommend it, although other people might have more positive experiences. ”Forking over your body” isn’t something I recommend either, I tried it and just felt gross aftrwards. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IceQueenn Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I avoid sexual people because of my very bad experiences. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I'd say compare it to something a lot of people would love to have but perhaps cannot. Say the Hope Diamond. Would a lot of people like to have it? Yes. How many of them would steal it? Probably very, very few, because most know it doesn't belong to them. The vast majority of people are respectful of others' bodies and can take no for an answer, though there are very few who feel entitled to sex nonetheless. I think TV and movies do a very good job of sensationalizing sexual attraction/desire as this uncontrollable, dangerous, animalistic urge that people are powerless to stop. We've seen it all before, characters throwing themselves at each other, doing it on the fly in broom closets or something. I find this horribly inaccurate. In most healthy relationships where one or more parties wants sex to happen, they discuss it first (and absolutely should, because what happens when you don't discuss it... accidental pregnancy, STIs, hurt feelings, etc). Movies tend to not to show that stuff because Hollywood finds it boring. Also within that vast majority... people care about whether their partner is into the sex as much as they are. It's not fun when the other person isn't having fun. Thing is, you can't look at a person and tell how much sex they've had, if they've had sex, how much they care about sex, if at all, or their sexual orientation. It's unfair to assume that all sexual people are dangerous simply because they want sex, and you can't avoid them... most people in the world are sexual. That said, I echo your sentiments about rape. It's scary and a very real and normal fear to have (raises hand). Plenty of sexuals are also afraid of rape or unwanted advances. If this fear is interfering with your quality of life (and if you're having recurring nightmares and sleep disruption, it probably is) you should talk to a counselor or therapist about it. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tabula Rasa Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I wouldn't say I'm afraid of sexual people in general, but I have had a fear of making videos of myself and sharing them on social media for fear of creeps seeing me. I have no control over that. So I took up the courage to make a video today and share it. I've had terrible experiences with sexual people, primarily male family members. Fortunately there was no physical trauma, but it was what they said to me that led me to cut them out of my life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Anyone who disrespects your boundaries in this way should be kicked to the kerb or reported to the authorities, first off. The vast majority of sexual people would NEVER act like what you're afraid of. This isn't to say you shouldn't be wary - you absolutely should - but living your entire life in fear because of a tiny minority will only fuck you up mentally; I know that because I have pretty good anxiety based paranoia. I know the vast majority of sexuals wouldn't even want to have sex with someone unwilling, so they aren't going to rip your clothes off if you're not responding or clearly uncomfortable are they? Sexuals will often attempt to flirt if they're interested, but they aren't likely to actually grope you unless they're an arsehole who should be avoided anyway. And if you don't want sex? Don't do it. It will result in incompatibility with most people, but at least you'll retain your self-respect and not fuck your mental health up trying to be somet you're not. I get where you're coming from, I really do. Not only am I ace, but I'm also mecha (so not interested in humans at all) and autistic (so I don't understand all these "instinctive" social rules either). Humans make no sense to me, and they often scare me. I barely walk anywhere because where I live is dodgy AF. The idea of anyone being sexual with me horrifies me in ways I can't even explain, because the only way it would happen would be through coercion. So I understand, but if you're at the stage this fear is interfering with your quality of life, I'd say you may need to consult a professional about anxiety. 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WanderingKate Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 hello , quick question...do you avoid/fear sexual people in dating, or in all aspects of life? If it's just in terms of dating...I get that. I also no longer seek sexual people when looking for a relationship. That's understandable- the chance of being incompatible is very high. I wouldn't say I fear dating a sexual person, but I definitely actively avoid it to prevent causing either of us pain in the future. If it's in terms of being fearful around sexual people in all aspects of life...that's definitely concerning, and something you may want to look into getting help for. Aren't the majority of your friends and family sexual? Avoiding all sexual people would effectively mean becoming a hermit, since they do make up 99% of the population. Also, hopefully this is a comfort to you- the fact that you are asexual and completely disinterested will likely prevent you from being bothered too much. Besides the small percentage of rapists and creeps, the majority of sexual people are completely turned off if the other person is not reciprocating desire. The "playing hard to get" thing wears thin eventually, and if sexual people see that you are completely disinterested, the vast majority of them will leave you alone. It's important for sexual people to feel desired for them to want sexual intimacy so if you are showing zero attraction or interest in them, they may pester and flirt a bit if they're persistent, but eventually they will likely leave you alone. If it will make you feel more comfortable, I highly suggest taking a self-defense class, and definitely practicing speaking up for yourself so that you can confidently say "no" if the situation ever does arise. As far as the dream, and everything else-- it sounds like the main theme is less about fear of sex, and maybe more about fear of being powerless.. Are there any other areas of your life where you feel powerless, like you can't change your situation? Just the way you talk about "forking over your body" and all of that- you seem to have a deep fear of not having control. This may be something to look into. I do wish you luck and hope you feel better. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rockblossom Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 1 hour ago, tygersongbird said: This dream involves me being trapped in a dark room overall with absolutely no chance of escape, and in the meanwhile, I am pinned down unable to free myself from the situation, and ultimately I am raped or fighting for survival. Even though I know that it's all a dream and that it's not really happening, it just feels as if it's real. The last few weeks I have awakened with chest palpitations, completely elevated blood pressure, heart racing, and night sweats to the wazoo. It's really scary of a dream. Sounds like you are experiencing sleep paralysis. It's pretty common and usually doesn't signal any serious medical issues, but it is still really scary. There actually can be some simple things that you can try. Change sleeping positions, no food or alcohol for at least 4 hours before sleep, make sure you are getting enough magnesium and vitamin D, and try to keep a regular sleep schedule. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 You're right that there are some people you do need to be cautious about. It's smart to take precautions but I wouldn't let fear run your life. Don't take unnecessary risks, like being alone with someone unless you feel certain you can trust them. If rape were considered a socially acceptable thing for people to do rapists would go unpunished and there wouldn't be rape crisis centers. It's not that there are a lot of rapists out there, it's that the ones who are out there are usually repeat offenders. You can find court records online, it's how my sister found out a man she was dating had had a restraining order filed against him by his ex-wife. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 @CBC The emotional intensity is something to watch out for, someone emotionally unstable would be more likely to do things like that. If he was a pedophile then he wouldn't have had any interest in you in that way, but I think you're right not to assume the worst because there could be some other explanation. After watching The Hunt (a Danish film from 2012), I have realized how big of a mistake it can be to jump to conclusions about people. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, CBC said: I know all about emotional intensity lol, I'm drawn to people like that and very much have those tendencies myself, so. 🙃 I think the difference might be that there are people who are self-destructive and then others who are outwardly destructive, but then even more than that I think it has to do with the extent to which someone is mentally ill and their particular brain. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyger Songbird Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 3 hours ago, CBC said: Only those highly disrespectful of personal boundaries and/or very unable to read social clues, or outright rapists, will just start doing things to you without your explicit or implicit but fairly clear consent. Those people exist, but they're a small minority. I know that. I know that not every human being is a potential rapist looking to exploit me. That being said, there is some sort of expectation that when you go out with somebody, you are expected to put out. That's how it is in the sexual dating world. You can only expect to be with somebody long-term if you are going to put out. Most people aren't into you without trying to get into you. So, what do you do with that, other than call it quits? There's only so long you can keep someone abated. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyger Songbird Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 3 hours ago, WanderingKate said: hello , quick question...do you avoid/fear sexual people in dating, or in all aspects of life? If it's just in terms of dating...I get that. I also no longer seek sexual people when looking for a relationship. That's understandable- the chance of being incompatible is very high. I wouldn't say I fear dating a sexual person, but I definitely actively avoid it to prevent causing either of us pain in the future. If it's in terms of being fearful around sexual people in all aspects of life...that's definitely concerning, and something you may want to look into getting help for. Aren't the majority of your friends and family sexual? Avoiding all sexual people would effectively mean becoming a hermit, since they do make up 99% of the population. Also, hopefully this is a comfort to you- the fact that you are asexual and completely disinterested will likely prevent you from being bothered too much. Besides the small percentage of rapists and creeps, the majority of sexual people are completely turned off if the other person is not reciprocating desire. The "playing hard to get" thing wears thin eventually, and if sexual people see that you are completely disinterested, the vast majority of them will leave you alone. It's important for sexual people to feel desired for them to want sexual intimacy so if you are showing zero attraction or interest in them, they may pester and flirt a bit if they're persistent, but eventually they will likely leave you alone. If it will make you feel more comfortable, I highly suggest taking a self-defense class, and definitely practicing speaking up for yourself so that you can confidently say "no" if the situation ever does arise. As far as the dream, and everything else-- it sounds like the main theme is less about fear of sex, and maybe more about fear of being powerless.. Are there any other areas of your life where you feel powerless, like you can't change your situation? Just the way you talk about "forking over your body" and all of that- you seem to have a deep fear of not having control. This may be something to look into. I do wish you luck and hope you feel better. Well, I don't know. I've never been on a date before. I should have prefaced that. I don't date. I've never really been a dating type. I don't date because I know at the end of the date, sometimes there's an expectation to end a date with a "nightcap". It's not really easy to think about that. I know there's a rite of passage to make a relationship "official" by consummating it. So, I am certainly afraid of dating someone who has a voracity towards sex, So, there's that. However, in terms of going out anywhere with sexual people, I am not entirely sure of that either. I mean, you won't catch me in a bar anytime soon. After all, there's a lot of people out there looking to score a hookup there. Parties and soirees are not entirely a comfortable place for me in theory. You don't know if there will be sex-games with people trying to get their freak on or any sort of escapades where people start bragging about their sex stories and whatever. Add in alcohol and secluded rooms, and there you have a potential recipe for disaster. So, I am not entirely sure if there are many places I do feel comfortable being around anyone who's sexual like that. I don't know. There aren't many contexts where one can feel comfortable being around sexual people. I mean, I don't think I'd be caught dead going to a sex shop or some strip club. However, lots of people love them, apparently. How do you get around someone who's sexual while being able to keep it platonic and sex-free? What kind of contexts provide this sort of thing? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, tygersongbird said: How do you get around someone who's sexual while being able to keep it platonic and sex-free? What kind of contexts provide this sort of thing? You're around sexuals all day presumably, but you aren't being constantly molested right? Sure you might come across a bit of flirting in daily life but sexuals aren't at it 24/7, they'd be fucking exhausted (pun entirely intended). 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Not wanting to be exposed to anything sex-related ever (e.g., people telling jokes or stories) is a tall order, but there’s quite a large divide between talking about past exploits at a party and pursuing others for unwelcome sex. With the exception of actual criminal behavior the latter can be almost entirely avoided by not dating sexual people and not flirting when disinterested. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, CBC said: Do people flirt when they are disinterested? I don't. 😶 (Also is it 'disinterested' or 'uninterested'? I feel like I've had this debate before. 😂) Disinterested I believe, but what do I know, I'm a skreg from a council estate. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Just now, CBC said: I'm really not sure in this case. I would've gone with 'uninterested' here, I think? I feel like... 'disinterested' indicates no particular stake in a matter, and 'uninterested' indicates a more active lack of interest? My drunk ass is reading a thread on grammar.com about it now haha. Let us know of your findings. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, CBC said: Yeah I think 'uninterested' is more accurate here, based on my readings. Fuck yeah, I can still English when I'm not sober. 😎 And I can't English when I am sober. Fuck it, I'm from Yorkshire, no one understands me anyway. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 34 minutes ago, CBC said: Do people flirt when they are disinterested? I don't. 😶 (Also is it 'disinterested' or 'uninterested'? I feel like I've had this debate before. 😂) Well some people do flirting as a confidence booster ala I'm sexy and I know it? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 36 minutes ago, CBC said: Do people flirt when they are disinterested? I don't. 😶 Sometimes people are a bit flirty in all their interactions (it’s handy for some tipped work, e.g.), and others flirt because they enjoy the attention but are not actually interested in their “target” beyond that. Things are uninteresting but people are disinterested (or not interested). Not sure if that’s different in the Queen’s English, though. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Just now, CBC said: This feels like a good time to debate 'summat' again. 😂 (Tbh I can't even remember the way you spell it...) Somat or somet innit? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Somat or somet innit? It’s sommat, alternate summat. Funny-looking, innit? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, CBC said: I'm officially giving up on this now. 😂 It reminds me of nauseous v. nauseated, lol. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 One could say that people who misuse nauseous are... nauseous! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Look, as a Yorkshire-ian, I reserve the native rights to decree spelling of native words; thusly, it is somat or somet, gorrit? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, CBC said: Do we have any other Yorkshire folks here? None as valid as me. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyger Songbird Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 2 hours ago, CBC said: But yeah, if you're not interested in sexual interaction with people, it's best for everyone that you either date asexuals or don't date. That's not anyone's fault and it doesn't make sexual people bad or scary. So, I guess that is the only possible way of doing it. I guess maybe I just won't date. It seems rather sad this is the fate, but I guess we don't always get what we hope for, huh? I guess it's just best to learn how to deal. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, tygersongbird said: So, I guess that is the only possible way of doing it. I guess maybe I just won't date. It seems rather sad this is the fate, but I guess we don't always get what we hope for, huh? I guess it's just best to learn how to deal. It says in your profile that you're aro, so I'm not really sure why you wanna date anyway...? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyger Songbird Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 6 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said: I think TV and movies do a very good job of sensationalizing sexual attraction/desire as this uncontrollable, dangerous, animalistic urge that people are powerless to stop. We've seen it all before, characters throwing themselves at each other, doing it on the fly in broom closets or something. I find this horribly inaccurate. In most healthy relationships where one or more parties wants sex to happen, they discuss it first (and absolutely should, because what happens when you don't discuss it... accidental pregnancy, STIs, hurt feelings, etc). Movies tend to not to show that stuff because Hollywood finds it boring. Also within that vast majority... people care about whether their partner is into the sex as much as they are. It's not fun when the other person isn't having fun. Even if that were as it may, don't most people still have the expectation that there will be at some point sex or some version of carnality to their relationship? I don't think that most people would be willing to sign up for a relationship where there is absolutely no desire for anything physical. The fact is that two sexual people have a language they understand, and that language is reinforced by society. My language is seen as a detriment to that, and I'm inundated repeatedly that I have to be the one who assimilates. So, that's enough of a problem for me. The fact they still do is enough for me to be put off, regardless of whenever that time is for me. The fact that they still have this complete primal base instinct is enough to make me run. The fact that they can still have those "moods" is enough for me to call it off. It's quite scary. I don't want to be their target. I don't want to be anyone's object of desire--not today, tomorrow, not ever. I don't want anyone feeling "some kind of way" while I'm the one they feel it for. So, what do you do if someone feels that way for you? How do you tell someone 'No sex please!' without starting a fight? I can only see conflict as inevitable at that point. Why can't finding love be an easier endeavor? Why is it so hard to find others when you are asexual? It's so isolating, this life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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