Feeling Lonely

[AllieCat]

Hey everyone,

 

This is about both relationships with a bf and relationships with friends. I'll do bf first.

 

He's super into me. He's a nice guy, who I want to like, but sexually there's nothing there for me (because I'm ace). 2 weeks ago I went to his house for dinner and we almost had sex - mostly because I was trying to fit into societal norms and I just wanted to try it, and I was a bit tipsy if we're being honest. It turned into a super awkward thing. He knows I'm a virgin. He doesn't know I'm ace. We've been on another date since and it was fun. Now he's asking me to come over to his place for dinner again. I really don't want to, because while he's super nice, I don't know how I'll be able to talk my way out of having/almost having sex, now that we got super close once. How do I tell him???? Isn't he just going to be like "well you haven't tried it so how do you know?" But I am sure. There's no doubt in my mind. Last time when I ended the sex stuff, he looked like a wounded puppy. Please keep in mind, I do enjoy hanging out with him. I would like to make it work. But I haven't told anyone IRL about being ace, and I don't know if I want to tell him that, or maybe there's another way? (Edit to include: If anyone has advice on how to tell him that I'm not interested in sex, that would be great!). 

 

Ok moving on. Friends relationships. 

 

A couple friends and I went out for drinks the other night. It was super fun. We were chatting and joking around. It was one of those nights that you want to never end because everything feels so great. But then boys (inevitably) came up, and with boys comes sex. And my friends were talking about how they slept with so many guys in Uni, and talking about like their sluttiest moment. ie. one of them mentioned that she was at a bar and a friend was like "yo, that guys a pro basket baller" and she looked at him and he wasn't that hot but she decided to sleep with him anyway, so she did. I know this is an extreme example, and there are non-ace people who can't relate to that (I assume????) but I just have no experience at all similar, and I felt awkward. I don't want to lie to my friends and make stuff up, but at the same time, once boys come up, I feel like a little kid who's sitting at the adult table and just feels left out. I feel like one of my friends wouldn't care if I told her I'm ace (she'd probably be like "oh ya? cool!" and that'd be the end of it), but my other friend I just can't tell her. She's super sexual and I know she won't understand. 

 

So between all of these relationships, I'm just feeling lonely that there's no one IRL I can talk to. I wish one of my friends was ace, I feel like it would be so much easier if I had a friend experiencing the same thing. 

 

Sorry for the long post. 

[The Abhorred]

Quote

 I feel like a little kid who's sitting at the adult table and just feels left out

Hello

I can so related with that. it's not only that you don't have anything of your own to share with them is how you see that for them sex  is really important. I guess, you can just ask questions around their experiences, people usually love to talk about themselves anyway. You don't have to made up stories but for those you are feeling close to, you might want to try and be open about how you feel and your sexuality.

And imo so you should do with your bf. It's not the easiest thing in the world, I guess, but if you guys are getting along maybe he will be understanding. 

My second sentence is kinda how you take part in a discussion you know nothing about. I know nothing about relationships.

Of course you can always visit this forum and speak openly for whatever, you can't  chat with people you know in real life. But if you try you will make it and be open and an adult between adults without lying.

 

[AceMissBehaving]

Connecting with other people isn’t always so much about having exactly shared experiences, it’s more about sharing an interest in each other’s experiences, and that’s something that can be mutually reciprocated no matter how ace one person is and how sexual the other person is.

 

I know it’s a move that can hold a lot of risk, but I can say for myself becoming open about my asexuality definitely tore down a lot of that disconnect I used yo feel with other people. No one e or tacky me to “get it” any more, and I’m no longer working on my “cover”. Obviously I still feel “different”, but that difference doesn’t feel as important. This might be too much for some people, and will depend on the people involved as to how likely they are to be accepting.

 

The boyfriend unfortunately there’s no way around it. You really do have to disclose to him the fact you are asexual because it’s something that is always going to be an issue in the relationship. He might be ok with it, he also might not, but it is something he should know going in and be able to give consent to being ok with.

 

Things can get better. It can feel lonely being ace, but places like these forums are great for meeting people who share your experiences, and that’s a big start too.

[banana monkey]

I'm guessing you and your bf are officially in a relationship and not "just dating" because if you are you should really try and tell him about your asexuality as soon as possible. I know its hard, believe me but after reading most of the posts on here from sexuals I now think one should tell the other before starting a relationship with anyone. Many of the sexuals on here say that if an asexual knows before the relationship started and doesnt tell them they feel betrayed, lied to and all trust is broken. Having read all the posts on here I now understand that its really important for most sexuals to have sex in their relationships and so I think if I know I am asexual when considering a relationship its only fair I tell them beforehand so that they can make an informed decision about whether they can cope with it and deal with no sex or any form of compromise we may come up with or if its a dealbreaker for them (as it is for many sexuals). I think many (but not all) sexuals feel hurt that they have wasted there time on a relationship that never would have worked for them when they wouldnt have invested so much if they had known beforehand, because to them it was obvious it wasnt going to work without a certain amount of sex. At least if they know before hand, they can make their own choice as to whether to invest/waste time or not. 

 

From your OP, it certainly seems sex is really important to your BF (given that he wants it  early on in the relationship) so I wouldnt be surprised if it may be a dealbreaker for him and be prepared for him to be really hurt, but I hope that it works out for you. 

 

With regards to friends - It can be hard when people talk about sexual things but it doesnt happen often unless you are really best friends and there are plenty of other things you can talk about. If you have the sort of close friendship where they are sharing that sort of stuff you should consider if you should try and mention about your asexuality so that they understand that some of these things go over your head. That doesnt mean they should stop discussing it though, I find when I am with a group that discusses that stuff, it helps them knowing because I just remind them that I dont understand that concept or that I'm just letting it go over my head but it does help me learn when they talk about it and sometimes I ask questions about stuff I dont understand (which often makes everyone feel awkward given that we are in public, so they just give me a look) 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, AllieCat said:

well you haven't tried it so how do you know?"

I've never smoked crack but I know I don't want to ever. 

[Abigail Rose]

About the bf. When you think about what makes you feel comfortable with someone, pressure to perform should never be on the list. You should note being up front about how you feel and think will cut down on hurt feelings for everyone. You would likely not be in as awkward of a situation perhaps. I can however relate to the desire to have someone around that makes me feel good too. 

Friends deserve a chance to be friends. If you arbitrarily decide what your friends will or will not do you are hardly being fair either. I do not mean to be critical but the best friends you will ever have do not need a map to find you. Either of those friends could be ace and just as terrified of societal acceptance. It would be a bold move for you to just call it what is right there with both of them and I bet they would both respect that and try to get a better understanding of their friend...provided they really are such. 

Silence4now

[Abigail Rose]

1 hour ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Connecting with other people isn’t always so much about having exactly shared experiences, it’s more about sharing an interest in each other’s experiences, and that’s something that can be mutually reciprocated no matter how ace one person is and how sexual the other person is.

 

I know it’s a move that can hold a lot of risk, but I can say for myself becoming open about my asexuality definitely tore down a lot of that disconnect I used yo feel with other people. No one e or tacky me to “get it” any more, and I’m no longer working on my “cover”. Obviously I still feel “different”, but that difference doesn’t feel as important. This might be too much for some people, and will depend on the people involved as to how likely they are to be accepting.

 

The boyfriend unfortunately there’s no way around it. You really do have to disclose to him the fact you are asexual because it’s something that is always going to be an issue in the relationship. He might be ok with it, he also might not, but it is something he should know going in and be able to give consent to being ok with.

 

Things can get better. It can feel lonely being ace, but places like these forums are great for meeting people who share your experiences, and that’s a big start too.

Absolutely!!! Respect is key to any person who shares their life's experiences with another. To me it is critical, regardless of what type of relationship or orientation to such, that no one hides cards up their sleeve's.

[AllieCat]

Thank you so much for everyone's replies. It really makes me feel less alone seeing how many people were willing to take the time to give such thoughtful replies. 

 

3 hours ago, The Abhorred said:

Hello

I can so related with that. it's not only that you don't have anything of your own to share with them is how you see that for them sex  is really important. I guess, you can just ask questions around their experiences, people usually love to talk about themselves anyway. You don't have to made up stories but for those you are feeling close to, you might want to try and be open about how you feel and your sexuality.

Of course you can always visit this forum and speak openly for whatever, you can't  chat with people you know in real life. But if you try you will make it and be open and an adult between adults without lying.

 

This is really good advice. Just showing interest in other people is normally enough, you're right. I don't have to share my own experience, just show interest in theirs. Thank you. And I don't want to lie to my friends, and I hadn't really thought of it that way, but now that you put it like that, maybe I am....

 

3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Connecting with other people isn’t always so much about having exactly shared experiences, it’s more about sharing an interest in each other’s experiences, and that’s something that can be mutually reciprocated no matter how ace one person is and how sexual the other person is.

 

I know it’s a move that can hold a lot of risk, but I can say for myself becoming open about my asexuality definitely tore down a lot of that disconnect I used yo feel with other people. No one e or tacky me to “get it” any more, and I’m no longer working on my “cover”. Obviously I still feel “different”, but that difference doesn’t feel as important. This might be too much for some people, and will depend on the people involved as to how likely they are to be accepting.

 

Thanks, these points really resonate with me. Especially the point about having a "cover". I guess I feel like I'm not necessarily being authentic. I spoke with a friend today about how I don't necessarily feel sexually attracted to him, and to my utter shock, she totally understood, and told me she hasn't even kissed a guy. I guess being open about yourself helps other people open up as well. I didn't say "I'm asexual", I just said "I don't think I'm really sexually attracted to him." And she totally understood, but didn't automatically be like "well break up then", which is what my one sexual friend would 100% say. 

 

3 hours ago, banana monkey said:

I'm guessing you and your bf are officially in a relationship and not "just dating" because if you are you should really try and tell him about your asexuality as soon as possible. I know its hard, believe me but after reading most of the posts on here from sexuals I now think one should tell the other before starting a relationship with anyone. Many of the sexuals on here say that if an asexual knows before the relationship started and doesnt tell them they feel betrayed, lied to and all trust is broken. Having read all the posts on here I now understand that its really important for most sexuals to have sex in their relationships and so I think if I know I am asexual when considering a relationship its only fair I tell them beforehand so that they can make an informed decision about whether they can cope with it and deal with no sex or any form of compromise we may come up with or if its a dealbreaker for them (as it is for many sexuals). I think many (but not all) sexuals feel hurt that they have wasted there time on a relationship that never would have worked for them when they wouldnt have invested so much if they had known beforehand, because to them it was obvious it wasnt going to work without a certain amount of sex. At least if they know before hand, they can make their own choice as to whether to invest/waste time or not. 

 

Thanks Banana Monkey. How do you suggest is the best way to tell him so that he doesn't take it personally? I agree I should tell him, but how??? Can I say something along the lines of "I'm not ready for sex right now, it isn't something I'm interested. Maybe down the line once we get to know each other really well, I'll be open to it, but for now, making out is as far as I want to go?" Or does that create false hope? I'm not entirely against sex for his pleasure, but I can't see myself ever enjoying it. 

 

1 hour ago, HelloSnakeEyes said:

I've never smoked crack but I know I don't want to ever. 

Hahaha, thanks for making me smile  I've never jumped off a cliff but I know I don't want to do that, lol. 

 

1 hour ago, Silence4now said:

About the bf. When you think about what makes you feel comfortable with someone, pressure to perform should never be on the list. You should note being up front about how you feel and think will cut down on hurt feelings for everyone. You would likely not be in as awkward of a situation perhaps. I can however relate to the desire to have someone around that makes me feel good too. 

Friends deserve a chance to be friends. If you arbitrarily decide what your friends will or will not do you are hardly being fair either. I do not mean to be critical but the best friends you will ever have do not need a map to find you. Either of those friends could be ace and just as terrified of societal acceptance. It would be a bold move for you to just call it what is right there with both of them and I bet they would both respect that and try to get a better understanding of their friend...provided they really are such. 

Silence4now

 

That bf advice is sort of what my friend was saying too, both people need to be comfortable and honest with each other. And you're right, I should give my friends a chance to prove me wrong, and I'm sure we would still be friends regardless of how they reacted to me being ace, because that's just a part of me, not everything. It's a chunk, but it's not my entire being, even though it sometimes feels like it is. 

 

39 minutes ago, Moonman said:

There isn't, you have to tell him. I think you will both feel much better once it's out in the open.

 

She doesn't have to understand because what you feel isn't her business. There's lots of things about my friends that I don't understand, the things they do, the beliefs they hold, but if they feel happy then more power to them. 

I probably will feel better, you're right. And I should give my friends more credit, just cuz they (maybe) don't understand, doesn't mean they won't want to be my friend any less. 

 

Again, thank you so much everyone! If anyone has any advice on how to tell the BF, that would be great. I'd sort of like to leave the "ace" label off, maybe just explain that I'm not a super sexual person, and I don't want to have sex now? Idk, any advice you've got, I'll take!

 

[banana monkey]

23 hours ago, AllieCat said:

 

 

Thanks Banana Monkey. How do you suggest is the best way to tell him so that he doesn't take it personally? I agree I should tell him, but how??? Can I say something along the lines of "I'm not ready for sex right now, it isn't something I'm interested. Maybe down the line once we get to know each other really well, I'll be open to it, but for now, making out is as far as I want to go?" Or does that create false hope? I'm not entirely against sex for his pleasure, but I can't see myself ever enjoying it. 

 

 

 

 I'd sort of like to leave the "ace" label off, 

 

Ok, so from these comments I dont know if I have understood correctly anymore. Is it that you are definately asexual or is it that you are not ready for sex right now because there is a hell of a lot of difference and it will make a complete difference to how he is likely to react and any decision he has to make so you need to make clear to him which it is. 

 

I dont really know how to tell someone, given that I tried and failed and also failed to get them to understand my gray romanticism. I would advise against leaving the ace label off but what I mean by that is that even if you do (because he may not know the label anyway) you need to explain the label thoroughly. 

 

Something along the lines of: - There is a group of people who are not sexually attracted to other people. They dont desire sex and wont ever desire sex ever. I needed to tell you that I belong to this group of people. I am not sexually attracted to people. I have never been sexually attracted to any other person ever and i dont think I ever will be. If it helps you can explain that its not him, it would not matter who it was as you will never experience it and never have. It may help to explain its an orientation like homosexuality if you are comfortable with that (so he knows he is not attracted to men and never will be, and you are similar but with you it is the same for all sexes). 

 

You then need to explain what this means for your relationship, Personally I think its important here that you try to distinguish between the desire to have sex and the willingness to physically have it. I say this because some sexuals feel really uncomfortable having sex with someone who doesnt sexually desire them and that's something he may not feel able to do. You need to discuss how he feels about you being asexual and the various options for your relationship with him, in order to compromise. Basically you need to tell him what you feel able to do, and what you definately cant compromise on. He needs to be allowed to think about the various options and decide what he is comfortable with too and what he needs sexually then you see if enough matches so to speak. 

 

I wrote a load more but prehaps its better for someone who has been in a longer relationship or a sexual partner to comment here about compromise and the options for it. They are probably more qualified than me. 

 

You need to remember he may take it personally, that's natural and kinda unavoidable. (I believe its common) but he needs to understand fully what this means so that he can make an informed decision about whether he feels able to continue the relationship so you need to be very blunt with him even if it feels harsh. 

 

Also, its better not to tell him maybe down the line x will be ok unless you are sure it will be. It will give him false hope otherwise, and any decision to stay in a relationship may be different if he knows he will have sex one day rather than possibly never having it. Also, there is the question of "i'm ok with only making out just now but how long will it be before we do have sex then? How long will I have to wait? Most sexuals cant wait forever. (He will have an idea of how long he can wait and will probably make a decision on whether to continue based on that).  

 

 

[AllieCat]

4 hours ago, banana monkey said:

Ok, so from these comments I dont know if I have understood correctly anymore. Is it that you are definately asexual or is it that you are not ready for sex right now because there is a hell of a lot of difference and it will make a complete difference to how he is likely to react and any decision he has to make so you need to make clear to him which it is. 

 

Something along the lines of: - There is a group of people who are not sexually attracted to other people. They dont desire sex and wont ever desire sex ever. I needed to tell you that I belong to this group of people. I am not sexually attracted to people. I have never been sexually attracted to any other person ever and i dont think I ever will be. If it helps you can explain that its not him, it would not matter who it was as you will never experience it and never have. It may help to explain its an orientation like homosexuality if you are comfortable with that (so he knows he is not attracted to men and never will be, and you are similar but with you it is the same for all sexes). 

 

You then need to explain what this means for your relationship, Personally I think its important here that you try to distinguish between the desire to have sex and the willingness to physically have it. I say this because some sexuals feel really uncomfortable having sex with someone who doesnt sexually desire them and that's something he may not feel able to do. You need to discuss how he feels about you being asexual and the various options for your relationship with him, in order to compromise. Basically you need to tell him what you feel able to do, and what you definately cant compromise on. He needs to be allowed to think about the various options and decide what he is comfortable with too and what he needs sexually then you see if enough matches so to speak. 

 

Thanks for all the comments. Yes, I am definitely asexual, though a small part of me hopes I might be demi, but I'm 99% sure I'm asexual. Sorry, that was definitely unclear in my reply!! 

 

Thank you so much for the comments! I cut a bunch out for the sake of keeping it short, but I think it's some really good advice. I'm going to give it a good think and try to talk to him when I see him on Friday. I think I'll keep the homosexuality example in my back pocket in case he doesn't understand or says something like "well how do you know if you haven't tried it?". It'll be really hard to say, but I think it's time to tell him, especially since I already feel like this whole me not wanting to have sex is driving a wedge between us right now. I'm pretty sure he'll either end it there, or it'll improve things because he'll understand my reluctance. Sigh. 

 

Again, thank you so much for your detailed reply. I really appreciate it. 

[ryn2]

No matter how awkward the bf discussion may be now, or how personally he may take it, or how quickly it may end things... it’s only going to be that much worse later on.  If he isn’t willing to be part of a relationship that doesn’t involve sex it’s better to know that now than to find it out when you’re that much more attached to him.

 

If you’re 99% sure you’re ace, I think saying you’re not ready yet does give false hope.  If he does want to stay together regardless, and you do develop sexual feelings for him over time, that’s not likely to be a problem (given you know he is sexual)... but if he thinks he’s waiting for you to come around and you never do he will be resentful and probably feel like you lied.

[AllieCat]

9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

No matter how awkward the bf discussion may be now, or how personally he may take it, or how quickly it may end things... it’s only going to be that much worse later on.  If he isn’t willing to be part of a relationship that doesn’t involve sex it’s better to know that now than to find it out when you’re that much more attached to him.

 

If you’re 99% sure you’re ace, I think saying you’re not ready yet does give false hope.  If he does want to stay together regardless, and you do develop sexual feelings for him over time, that’s not likely to be a problem (given you know he is sexual)... but if he thinks he’s waiting for you to come around and you never do he will be resentful and probably feel like you lied.

Thanks for the reply. I actually spoke with him today, things did not go as planned. He invited me over for dinner friday and I was like, I'd love to come, but netflix no chill cuz there's something I want to talk to you about. And he was like sounds like you're too busy to come. And I suggested we do something else, and he was like "No thanks.". So I was upset and surprised and replied along the lines of "what, you only want to see me if we're gonna have sex?" and he was like "what's so wrong with that?" and he knows I'm a virgin, and we agreed to take things slow so I was surprised. So I said thats not how you build a relationship, and he was like, it is for me. So I was like ok, then we're done. And now he's backtracking and wants to talk. I wanted to tell him I'm Ace, but I feel like it's not the time now. He's sort of broken my trust. What do you think?

[ryn2]

It sounds like sex is important enough to him that a gf who likely never wants to have it won’t be what he’s looking for.

 

To me it seems like telling him you’re ace now gives him more closure than it does you (“whew, it’s not me, it’s her!”)...

 

Doesn’t mean you can’t talk it out.  He does need to understand that the issue isn’t (just) that he’s trying to rush things; it’s that you may never be into it.  Whether or not you let him off the hook by explaining that’s with everyone - not just him, specifically - is up to you and might depend on how graciously he takes the news.

[Abigail Rose]

17 minutes ago, AllieCat said:

Thanks for the reply. I actually spoke with him today, things did not go as planned. He invited me over for dinner friday and I was like, I'd love to come, but netflix no chill cuz there's something I want to talk to you about. And he was like sounds like you're too busy to come. And I suggested we do something else, and he was like "No thanks.". So I was upset and surprised and replied along the lines of "what, you only want to see me if we're gonna have sex?" and he was like "what's so wrong with that?" and he knows I'm a virgin, and we agreed to take things slow so I was surprised. So I said thats not how you build a relationship, and he was like, it is for me. So I was like ok, then we're done. And now he's backtracking and wants to talk. I wanted to tell him I'm Ace, but I feel like it's not the time now. He's sort of broken my trust. What do you think?

Everything you just said here is awful. There is agree to disagree and then there is abusive manipulative narcissism. This sounds more like the later. Ultimatums are not a healthy way to have a relationship of any kind. I doubt his agenda will take caring about your feelings into consideration whatsoever here. Telling him you are Ace will not help him see you better. I would encourage you to tell someone that shows you they care about who you really are. Why tell someone something so special to you, knowing they would make such vulgar demands of another person? I do not know you, but I know you deserve much better than that. Silence4now

[avapavalavacake]

45 minutes ago, AllieCat said:

Thanks for the reply. I actually spoke with him today, things did not go as planned. He invited me over for dinner friday and I was like, I'd love to come, but netflix no chill cuz there's something I want to talk to you about. And he was like sounds like you're too busy to come. And I suggested we do something else, and he was like "No thanks.". So I was upset and surprised and replied along the lines of "what, you only want to see me if we're gonna have sex?" and he was like "what's so wrong with that?" and he knows I'm a virgin, and we agreed to take things slow so I was surprised. So I said thats not how you build a relationship, and he was like, it is for me. So I was like ok, then we're done. And now he's backtracking and wants to talk. I wanted to tell him I'm Ace, but I feel like it's not the time now. He's sort of broken my trust. What do you think?

This is disgusting. You need to go no-contact. He's moved into gas-lighting a-hole territory and I believe if you tell him you're ace he may try to use it against you in a derogatory way.

 

Cut your losses. It will hurt much more now than it will later.

[Koning]

3 hours ago, AllieCat said:

...So I was upset and surprised and replied along the lines of "what, you only want to see me if we're gonna have sex?" and he was like "what's so wrong with that?" and he knows I'm a virgin, and we agreed to take things slow so I was surprised...

He probably answered abruptly with slight sarcasm, but he answered like a true asshole nevertheless and must've meant it partially. I guess it makes it easier for you to move on and it might even spare you a lot of drama. He clearly cares about having sex and isn't keen on waiting. I wouldn't tell him you're asexual; it would potentially only help him with his self-esteem and it could possibly be used against you. Moreover, you haven't even told your friends yet and I think they deserve to hear it more than he does (if anyone).

[anisotrophic]

20 hours ago, AllieCat said:

So I was upset and surprised and replied along the lines of "what, you only want to see me if we're gonna have sex?" and he was like "what's so wrong with that?"

No loss. This isn’t the sort of relationship you want.

 

I don’t think you should feel any need to explain yourself unless he genuinely seems concerned about having offended/hurt you, plenty of sexual people would be uninterested in this too.

[AllieCat]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. @ryn2 @Silence4now @avapavalavacake @Koning @anisotrophic . It is really nice to get so many supportive replies. 

 

I didn't tell him I'm ace. We talked a bit more, and he was like "I'm super affectionate, and I like sex". and I was like "I'm not interested in having a relationship all about sex." So I went ahead and wished him the best with his life and cut things off. 

 

It's a big relief. I think I new deep down he wouldn't take it well. I'm glad I didn't tell him I'm ace. I'm sad that the relationship is over, but it never could have worked. It's like I'm sad I'm single again, but I'm not sad to be losing him, especially now that he's showed his true colours using ultimatums and blaming me for a couple other things as well. 

 

I've decided to start by telling just one friend, and we'll see how that goes before I talk to anyone else. I'm just deciding which friend right now. 

[ryn2]

I’m glad it came to a peaceful end and you feel good about your decision!

[twetzel59]

You did the right thing @AllieCat!

 

Best of luck with your friend.

[AllieCat]

@twetzel59 thanks!