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I guess I'm still the "straight friend"?


Gucci_Grape

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So this requires some explanation, I know lol. 

In my friend group, I was the only one who was cisgender or "straight." And my friends have a joke that I'm the "token straight friend". 

As you can infer, I'm ace, but I'm also heteromantic. I'm okay with being the "straight friend" because it's a funny joke and it's been around since long before I realized I was ace, but I'm still confused about it and it has started bothering me more than it used to.

I guess my concern is: Is allowing my friends to refer to me as "straight" erasing my sexuality? Also, has anyone else had experience with this? It's a pretty niche situation, but I'm curious if anyone has worked through this with their friends? 

Sorry if this makes absolutely no sense but it's been nagging at me. 

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I wouldn't be offended if this were me. I bet quite a few asexual people would consider themselves straight - attracted to the opposite sex - minus the sexual attraction. Besides, they don't seem to know you're ace, so they can't be erasing your sexuality; in this case, only you can do that by feeling that way IMO. And... linked to my first point, even if they knew, they could see you still as straight hetero (-romantic in this case).

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I guess you would have to talk about it with them if it makes you feel uncomfortable. 

I can somehiw relate to what you said in the sens that I used to be called the "innocent" friend. Because I was totally clueless about sex when I was in high school, my friends affectionnately called me "innocent", "naïve", "cute" and so on and so on - they never meant to do me any harm or anything, and at that time I didn't know about asexuality, but it really frustrated me and made me wonder about myself and why I was so clueless about sex. In a sense, it helped me realised later on that I was ace :) 

If you don't like them calling you the straight friends, you can ask them to stop - if it's about your asexuality, only you can say how much you want to tell your friends. Then again, straight does not necessarily refer to your sexuality, it can also be your romantic attraction, so I wouldn't say they're denying you asexuality. Best is to talk about it with them, and find what makes you most comfortable.

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letusdeleteouraccounts

Overall, I feel like the “token friend” concept has negative connotations and makes people look at you as their “straight friend” rather than just their friend as if there’s some alternative motive or basis behind the friendship. It’s not something I’d wanna be known as. I feel like calling you the token straight friend is at least a bit of erasure to your asexuality because your asexuality gives you some difference to life compared to who they’re comparing you to (not denouncing your straightness either; I see it as like saying you’re part of the “oppressing” group versus simply applying the straight label to you)

 

This probably was confusing but I hope my response wasn’t a complete waste

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If I felt emotional attraction to the opposite sex, I wouldn't mind people referring to me as straight, but I'd be offended if people call me the straight friend. Same if I was emotionally attracted to the same sex, but the gay friend instead. To be fair, as a loner, I'd be offended if you call me a friend.

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I am asexual but I consider myself straight because I am romantically attracted to the opposite sex. Having said that, I think that if something is bothering you perhaps you should talk with your friends.

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Happens to me too and sometimes it bothers me. I just usually follow  up with a "not straight" when people say I am.

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I think as long as you’re not offended by it, and they don’t mean offense, they can say whatever they want. Most of my aquaintances don’t know I’m asexual and will say I’m straight, and it doesn’t erase anything either. It’s much more simple than explaining to a lot of people who don’t really have to know.

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Comrade Kitty

In my friend group, I used to be the straight friend as well. I was also the naive and innocent friend. Once i found asexuality, i kinda started hinting at it, and they eventually stopped calling me the straight friend. At that point i still thought i was heteroromantic though, and would still periodically be called the straight friend, because they asked me and made sure I didnt mind. There was one friend who i did have to blaintly talk to about it, but most people got the hint. I agree with most people on here that being called the straight friend doesnt devalue your asexuality in anyway. But if you truly dont like them calling you the straight friend, for any reason, just talk to them about it. If theyre good friends, they wont continue calling you the straight friend if you ask them not too. 

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almost half of my work colleagues are gay and this group is also the one I get along with best, so we hang out together a lot and most of the time sexuality isn't a topic, but one of them once made a joke about how they're all gay and I'm the straight one and I just chuckled inside, thinking along the lines of "my disguise is working" lol

 

They obviously don't mean no harm and don't even know there is any asexuality to be erased so I would not sweat it. If you want it to stop you can talk to your friends, but it will most likely result in an outing, so be sure you're ready for that. And be prepared to be called the token ace friend then ;)

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WanderingKate

I recently had an experience with a gay friend of mine which basically went 

Me: "Wait, I don't get it-" 

Her: "That's because you're straight! You're not going to." 

 

Which felt odd in the moment, because- do I correct her? 

I feel very conflicted on whether I define myself as straight or not- I personally identify as aro ace, but I experience stronger aesthetic attraction towards men, the one "crush" I've had in my life has been for a man, and I've only been in relationships with men. However, I'm almost certain that the fact I've only dated men is because men are who have been interested in me, and if a woman (or non-binary person) who I was emotionally attracted came along...I'm 99% sure that I would be able to form a relationship with a person of any gender. So sometimes I feel very straight, sometimes very pan, and and sometimes just very, very aro :D

 

It's all so confusing that I try not to even put a label on it. If someone wants to call me straight, so be it. If someone wants to call me non-straight, well, they're not wrong. 

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