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Ambivalence


Tyger Songbird

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Tyger Songbird

So, a backstory on me:

 

I have never been in a relationship before. I've never held hands with anyone before, and I've really never done anything in a physical sense with anyone. I only kissed one time in my life, but it was such a long time ago that I hardly even remember it now. It was years ago. I've never really thought about doing anything with anyone whatsoever. I'm most of the time very happy being self-partnered. However, with that being said, there are moments that I do desire to have that companionship and have somebody for once hold me and hug me.

 

I have little to no friends. That is overall by design and by my liking. I am overall the type who isn't really all too social, really. I have issues with social interaction in general. I'm not too good when it comes to interacting with people, honestly. I'm in no way a social butterfly. I've been described as "socially awkward" on more than one occassion in my life. So, since I've been a kid, I've always been more comfortable to be a soloist when it comes to others. So, I guess my isolated life is as much choice as it is circumstances of low wealth as well.

 

My life is just me flying solo in actuality. It can sound depressing to some, but to me it isn't. I can get a lot done because I don't have to entertain anybody else. Many days I don't feel all alone and melancholic. I'm so wrapped up in my work that I barely notice. There are some times where it is okay to be alone. However, I would be remissed if I didn't state how ostracizing it can be to be asexual me while everyone else is rolling in pairs. Part of me does want to truly have someone who will go out with me and will actually include me in their plans or just plain talk to me out of the blue. I would like that for me as well. I'd like for someone to open up to from time to time too. It's just hard to do find that when you don't want sex. It sucks there are no aces in real life you can meet.

 

I sometimes have those moments of longing. I sometimes pine for a kiss... or two.  I sometimes wish someone would come up and tell me "I love you!" I sometimes wish for those things. I am a hopeless romantic at times.

 

I remember all the love songs that I heard when I was a kid, and I always would hope for someone to fall in love with like that for me. I at times wished for someone to "love me until the end of time", quote Justin Timberlake. Some call that sappy goo-goo junk, but I guess I'm sappy then. I do want to fall in love in some way. I want someone who won't make me feel so alone in this world, someone who regards me as lovely and special. I have those feelings at times. I guess I'm in my feelings today. 

 

So, while it's another night playing solitaire in this game of love, I am having this conversation with myself once again. One part of me is stating I am happy and I'm free. The other part is longing for a significant other to come along. As much as I want to convince myself that I am free, I'm independent, and I don't need anyone else because I'm all good on my own, it is sometimes a tough sell to the other half of me who declares otherwise. How I wish I could cut out the part of my brain that starts sending transmitters of amore, but part of me is curious to figure out what the game of love is truly all about. Better yet, my whole me does. I don't want to be alone for eternity. I want my partner-in-crime. I want to explore the world of partnership that I've never even forged into. Part of me does want to figure out what in the world love is all about. I want to try kissing. I want to be kissed. I want to kiss someone back. I want to be snuggled. I want to be held. I want to hold someone back. I want someone who will be with me, and someone who says that they miss me when we're apart. I want to be love, and I want to be loved back. I don't want to be all alone forever.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, ambivalence, but I think it's time we start seeing other people. I think it's time we go our separate ways. I wish you well.

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Hello

First of all, you have used such beautiful words to describe your self, your worries and wants. Have you tried to speak to someone else openly like in here?

Not necessary about talk about your innermost desires, just use this kind of vocabulary. It may sound irrelevant but learning to speak this way may help you get what you want. You said you are social awkward, try to fix this first by trying to be this person, that it is in here in the forum out there in the real world. 

I am trying that myself. It's not easy and you won't get results fast enough but you will eventually. And in the mid time maybe you will meet that special someone. 

I don't think you are depressing for wanting to have that someone, I think is very common with humans. It also happens that I know the word ambivalence and what it means that a part of you is ashamed of needing someone. Maybe if you change the words from needing, to like to. You can be happy on your own, you said it, but now you will like something new, something different. It's not so bad now, right?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I definitely understand that feeling of wanting to be left alone versus being a hopeless romantic. And I think you really summed up how I feel too. I think @The Abhorred made a good point about feeling ashamed and changing the words. For me myself, I didn't realize how ashamed I was for wanting such seemingly simple things like a hug or someone to open up to until I hesitated writing it out one day in my journal. I had never been honest about wanting those things before and as soon as I was able to write it I felt the tension in my chest disappear for a moment. 

I feel like I'm just rambling on about myself now, but what you wrote really spoke to me haha

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