I have no idea what gender I should be

[Tobybean]

Hey, so I don’t know how this stuff works.. at all. But anyway, I’m having issues with telling what gender I’m supposed to be. I was born female but I don’t care for anything feminine at all.. which you may be thinking ‘oh you’re just tomboyish’. I’d say I am but that’s not really what I mean. Of course I don’t really know what I do mean., I feel I dunno offended? Maybe? When people say “she” or “her” to me but I’m not sure how I’d feel with being called “him” or “he”. I just sort of feel out of place I guess. A few times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror or in pictures and thought, ‘wow I look like a boy’ and had a small crisis about all of that. My family jokes with me about how much I look like a younger boy, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. I have no clue. - I generally just feel like I shouldn’t have any gender specific body parts. I don’t know if it’s some form of a phase? Like I’ve never enjoyed the generic female items like hair bows, longer hair, dresses, heels, nail polish and makeup. I’m more comfortable in male’s clothing and interested in general male.. I don’t know idea? - I wear very baggy upper body clothing to hide my figure because I don’t like having cleavage of any sort, and I’ll wear tighter and more chest flattening bras to remove them a little more. Along with the fact at this point I respond to my “joke names” of Toby/Billy more than I do my original name. I doubt any of my family would care if I wasn’t female.. but I don’t know how I would feel. I’m sort of scared by the idea I guess. Well, that’s all I got. Just wanted to sort of vent some, maybe get a little advice. Sorry if I sounded all over the place.

[Missing]

Hey @Tobybean, welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you're not feeling like you're really "clicking" as a girl or a boy, and that's totally okay! When it comes to how you feel about traditionally feminine things like bows, long hair, dresses, etc., that may or may not have to do with your gender. There are a lot of women and girls who don't resonate with those sorts of things. But like you said, that's not the whole story for you, you're having complicated feelings about pronouns and names and things like that too. So my advice would just be to take some of that pressure off yourself and don't push yourself to identify as a boy, a girl, or anything else just yet. You don't have to identify as any particular gender, and you don't have to understand your feelings about your gender right away either. Gender is a very complicated thing, and not everyone's experience of their own gender fits in neatly with the messages we tend to receive about gender. It's okay to take your time and learn about yourself at your own pace. If anyone asks, you can just say you're still figuring it out. If that answer is not enough for them, then that's their problem, not yours. Be kind and patient with yourself and I'm sure you'll find what really resonates with you.

[pulsar512b]

I concur with Mackenzie Holiday here. Gender's a fucking mess. Maybe you could try crossdressing (if you have a brother or something about your same size, that'd probably be perfect). Perhaps a non-binary gender would fit best? That's just a wild guess.

[Just Somebody]

This helps people the majority of times:

 

 

 

Also... it's okay if you don't understand gender anyway, just like life itself, you don't have to understand gender you just have to enjoy experiencing.

 

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Nor have I. It's like being told I have golf handicap without ever having played golf. Don't worry about it.

 

Some people like golf and that's okay. So is not liking golf. So is never having played it.

 

Perhaps someone could calculate my golf handicap if I did play a round of golf? Or perhaps not. Whatever. 

 

You should be your perception of who you are now - nothing more, nothing less. 🙂

[PoeciMeta]

I relate to a lot of that! I've never been interested in being girly, nor boyish for that matter, and before finding AVEN I had no clue what gender was exactly, let alone mine. I just didn't feel any kinship with the ''other girls'', or why I belonged with them more than with the boys. Then puberty hit and I started being really dysphoric about my gender-specific body parts - still am. I don't want any, at all. Since then, I learnt that there is nothing you should be. You're just you. For example, I felt like I belonged in no category, and that's the option that made me glad, so agender it was. As for you, I second what's already been said, give yourself time, maybe distance yourself from it all a bit, I know it's a stressful issue but in the end, you're just you. You could look into non-binary genders, one of them might fit, but in the end no one can tell for sure except you, and especially, no one can tell you what you should be.