MunchThing Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Hi guys, First post here so I apologise if my acronyms or wordings are inaccurate I'm new to this whole thing. I'm a straight sexual male (35) and married to a gray/demi straight female (33) and we are an amazing couple, we have it all really, 2 amazing kids, a lovely home etc etc. The only aspect of our relationship which has always been bad is obviously sex, and recently we discovered this site which has answered so many questions. My wife thought she was cruel, weird, boring and always plagued with guilt. On the other side I felt constantly rejected, hurt, depressed and almost like I was forcing things which made me pull away both physically and emotionally! We have almost separated a few times because of this (we did separate once for a few days), despite loving and trusting each other completely. I would never cheat on her and would end the relationship before that became a possibility, but can't imagine living the next 30 years if my life like this. A few weeks back we discovered this site and what asexuality is (took 8 years!!) and it has answered so many questions, turns out my wife doesn't find me repulsive and I'm not a sex pest, we are just different sexualities. Doh! Anyway after MUCH discussion my wife suggested I find sex elsewhere, which we are both okay with as long as it doesn't threaten our marriage and I don't catch feelings for someone else, completely understandable she is selfless for even suggesting it. My question is, does anyone else have this arrangement? How would I even find someone just for intimacy? I didn't look when I was single so as a married man I'm completely lost. I would love to find another ace/allo couple where the husband is asexual, that would be perfect, but I have no idea where to start. Any suggestions, comments or advice are very welcome. This whole situation still feels a little crazy to us both. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 This question may be better suited in the "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" forum - there's a few people there with experience in this kind of thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Linda60 Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 torture. Link to post Share on other sites
pulsar512b Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 There's some differences in my situation and yours, but it may give some ideas: My SO is allosexual. Me and my SO are both polyamorous, so I have no problem with her developing relationships etc with other people. In fact, a couple of times i've helped her (in a sort of wingman fashion). She satisfies the sexual needs via other partners. As for specific suggestions: Hookup sites would probably be good. Grindr comes to mind, but as I understand, thats basically only for LGBTQ+ people. Tinder perhaps? You might be able to set it to only wanting one night stands (which I think would be what you need here). Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I do not have this arrangement, but I do have a couple of links I'd like to leave here. I've often bandied the website OhJoySexToy around on Aven for its inclusive and welcoming look at sex and sexuality as well as sex toys, and now that its add free its a useful website for information for non sex repulsed asexuals. Its a webcomic, so there's no actual photographs of anything, but there is a lot of cartoony nudity and sex acts going on, so if that's something you'd rather avoid, you've been warned. The links I'd like to provide are:How to Rock a Threesome, while not exactly what you're looking for, the advice this page gives on finding a third person is still pertinent to your situation. Polyamory as explained by a cartoon badger. This is a look at the kind of mindset that comes with opening yourself to multiple lovers who may or may not also have multiple lovers, but aren't all in a relationship with each other. A 'my girlfriend has another boyfriend but he and I are not lovers in any way' sort of situation. Could be a useful resource for understanding and managing the emotional side that can sometimes come with an open relationship. I also recommend looking through some of the other kink and sexuality pages...there's actually a handful of guest comics sent in by asexuals who have gone to kink events and parties and learned non sexual but still intimate things that appealed to them, which could allow someone to feel closer to a partner without making either feel uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
brbdogsonfire Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I'm a sexual male dating an asexual woman. For most of our relationship we have been open, but due to personal feelings on my end I have only ever slept with 1 other person. It made me feel disgusted at myself and I've learned I need to have a connection with someone to enjoy sex. Due to me never persuing people we have decided to close the relationship. The weird thing is just having our relationship open stopped me from being upset about the lack of sex. I had the ability to get sex if I wanted, but I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Bzztoh Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Your story would be ours, but we took 30+ years to find this website and the beginning of mutual understanding. Our arrangement is different, but it als is a compromise that fits both of us. Good for you both that you have found a solution to work with. Stay open minded and communicating for it may or may not work and adjustments may be needed later on. Love does a lot, but only when you communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
SusannaC Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 @Linda60, Im the sexual in my marriage and it took me over 20 years to put a name to out difficulties, so don’t feel bad about that! Duh!!!!!!!!to me.... I recognize parallels in our story however and think you did a great job of trying to do the “ right” thing by your marriage and your kids. 👋. I agree with you that marriage can be a toxic place in many of these arrangements -but like to think it depends a lot on the individuals and the effort they put in. @MunchThing, you sound like you are very respectful of your wife’s sexuality, truly love her and want to attempt the proper course of action now. I applaud you too! A poly relationship may work, however in my case the big risk is becoming emotionally attached to a sexual partner. Sex is that way for me. Finding a safe and compatible partner requires a lot of work too, not at all like being single and on the dating scene. Please keep us posted if you do find resources to help you with this open arrangement. Seems to me there are few choices otherwise and this is very sad. The reality is that sexual incompatibility is a huge issue for most people. When a sexual person has a low sexual drive the union may have a better chance of remaining happy and peaceful for both. When the sexual has a regular or higher sex drive (and need for sexual intimacy to feel complete) I think ace-allo relationships are fraught with unrest and sadness. Don’t feel bad about this if possible. You aren’t alone or unique when it comes to these emotions though Im sure at times it feels this way! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 16 hours ago, MunchThing said: Anyway after MUCH discussion my wife suggested I find sex elsewhere, which we are both okay with as long as it doesn't threaten our marriage and I don't catch feelings for someone else, completely understandable she is selfless for even suggesting it. I think the first thing to do is not rush into it, but explore the idea together. There's some books about opening relationships, communities you could get advice from (that practice open & poly), and I know a queer therapy group I saw also specialized in open & poly relationship styles. As @SusannaC notes, it might not be realistic to plan to "not catch feelings". That's a scary thing for your partner, but it's also a promise you can't really make; we can't control "falling in love". As @brbdogsonfire notes, you might also discover that just knowing the option exists solves a lot of unhappiness for you. Ideally what you and your partner do would also strengthen, not weaken, your relationship with each other. And one question to ask yourself is to wonder whether you would be comfortable with your partner having the same freedom. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 In my last marriage I opened the relationship because I was the person who wasn't fulfilling my husband's needs which were extremely high in comparison to mine. Much like how your wife probably feels now, I felt useless and broken and boring, and I couldn't seem to change that. When I opened up the marriage I did it because I wanted him to be happy. Unfortunately he only ever used it in one of few scenarios I asked him not to. And that was to get back at me when he was angry with me. The marriage ended up spiraling out of control, and ended in a burning dumpster fire. Now that I'm in a relationship with an asexual, I'm the one with the higher sex drive obviously. Which I got to admit, is really interesting to me. Our relationship is technically open. He told me right from the beginning that he didn't care if I was seeing other people. Though we haven't talked about it in a really long time, so I would feel really uncomfortable acting on that without the subject being readressed. As far as where to look for casual sex, if you live near a big city, you're probably in close range to a swingers club which is exactly what that's for. Link to post Share on other sites
MunchThing Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 Thanks for the comments guys I really appreciate the insight. @pulsar512b The idea of polymory is incredible, I'm not sure I would be capable of it but I'm certainly envious, jealousy can be awful in a monogamous relationship. I'm pretty sure my wife would be furious with me at the mere suggestion though, we've always been very monogamous and pride ourselves that we have never cheated before and put eachother first and foremost at everything, it definitely makes my situation harder. @Scottthespy thanks for the links they were a good read, so much of this is new to me I really have a lot to learn and get my head around. @brbdogsonfire Haha I do wonder if I'm even capable, it seems crazy entertaining the idea. I really don't know if I can live this way though. I find the rejection, lack of excitement, never being thought of 'in that way' or lusted after so upsetting. I stuck this out for 8 years and It's like our marriage has been very slowly bleeding to death. @Bzztoh great advice thank you, I've always believed honesty and communication to be absolutely paramount so I think we are okay there. @SusannaC thanks for the kind words, your comment really hit home. I feel terrible for misunderstanding her for so long, and I truly do love her, I can't help but wonder sometimes if we would be better off apart. I will always love her and still be a friend and great dad, I think I've just been too much of a coward to do so when things have gotten bad. As you said it's a very sad situation, feels like we are part of a very sad love story. @anisotrophic it's funny you should say "And one question to ask yourself is to wonder whether you would be comfortable with your partner having the same freedom". I spent many months getting my head around the idea of her being with another man, right up until I offered her that and started seeing how I could arranging something. My rationale was that she needed something or someone to just light a fire under her, inject some passion. If I did that maybe she would become more open and sexual towards me? Just see me!!! It was highly stupid and ignorant of me knowing what I know now, but the sentiment was there, I just wanted us to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 38 minutes ago, MunchThing said: I'm pretty sure my wife would be furious with me at the mere suggestion though, we've always been very monogamous and pride ourselves that we have never cheated before and put eachother first and foremost at everything It's not cheating to have an open relationship. I don't see why monogamy is something to be proud of. I think my partner and I were proud that we were open at the start, and we have always put each other first and foremost. It's good that you thought about your partner being with someone else, although it sounds like you may have fantasized the outcome. (What if she desires them, but not you? I've thought about that. I think if my partner could experience that, I'd want him to have that chance, even if I'd be really sad that it couldn't be me.) Really think both of you should read books or something on this topic, and/or otherwise learn more from people that do this stuff. Going from "proud of monogamy" to "won't catch feelings" sounds like you (plural) have no idea what you're potentially getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
MunchThing Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 @anisotrophic The idea of sharing has always been alien to me and my partner, I guess it's just social norms and upbringing. I've been hurt very badly in the past from a cheating partner and I suppose I just go out of my way to ensure I never cause the same to another person. It's only in the last few months that I've realized that cheating has nothing to do with sex, but betrayal of trust and boundaries. I definitely fantasized the outcome, I was pretty desperate if I'm honest. It wasn't until I discovered this forum that my eyes were actually opened to why we were always banging heads. Even though I see things more clearly about our situation, I'm still confused about what to do. With 2 small children in the mix it feels like whatever path we take is a big risk. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 2 hours ago, MunchThing said: Even though I see things more clearly about our situation, I'm still confused about what to do. With 2 small children in the mix it feels like whatever path we take is a big risk. All the more reason to take your time, I think! we’ve got young kids too so I’m all about not rushing. 🙂 Take time to grieve, maybe. I was devastated and it took me several months to feel better. My recommendation would be to spend time focusing on other ways you and your partner communicate love to each other. Don’t discard this potential for opening up, but the revelation of asexuality is usually destabilizing — building that stability back up would better prepare your relationship for the destabilization of pursing sex or relationships with others. Link to post Share on other sites
Bzztoh Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 If sex outside the marriage is an option, and “feelings” are not, is it an option to hire the services of a sex worker? Or is that to European of me to think of as a respectful option? I am walking on ice here, trying not to offend anyone and knowing there are huge cultural differences regarding sex in this world, so I am sorry if this would be a repulsive idea to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 9 hours ago, Bzztoh said: If sex outside the marriage is an option, and “feelings” are not, is it an option to hire the services of a sex worker? Or is that to European of me to think of as a respectful option? I am walking on ice here, trying not to offend anyone and knowing there are huge cultural differences regarding sex in this world, so I am sorry if this would be a repulsive idea to someone. In some countries it is and in some it is illegal so it isnt. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 In some cases an open marriage can work very well, but in many cases it doesn't. I think it depends on the extent to which the sexual partner connects sex and romance / love. For some people they are inseparable. Of course in that case, that person is missing a vial part of their lives by not being able to experience those things, so maybe the relationship shouldn't continue anyway Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 23 minutes ago, uhtred said: I think it depends on the extent to which the sexual partner connects sex and romance / love And even that depends on whether or not the sexual partner is naturally polyamorous... if so, falling in love with the secondary partner(s) doesn’t mean falling out of love with the primary partner. But, as you said, that’s not everyone... and it require that the primary partner be poly-friendly (comfortable with being partners with a poly person) as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 4 hours ago, ryn2 said: And even that depends on whether or not the sexual partner is naturally polyamorous... if so, falling in love with the secondary partner(s) doesn’t mean falling out of love with the primary partner. But, as you said, that’s not everyone... and it require that the primary partner be poly-friendly (comfortable with being partners with a poly person) as well. There are always these hard and fast “rules” it seems. I attempt to square them with my experience, but they just don’t fit. Generally they may work, but not always. 🤷🏻♀️ Now, in my head I’m having a “Paging Dr. Bombay” moment. On AVEN, I think of Lucinda as Dr. Bombay... Ironically, there’s nothing here Dr. Bombay would comment on specifically, but they could always pierce the matter with a single thought in a sentence or less. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 35 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: I attempt to square them with my experience, but they just don’t fit I have this experience often! But I wasn’t sure how it fit the quoted bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Yeah, that was random. Lucinda always seemed to understand whenever there was something in question, and she did it by dropping out of the sky, much like Dr. Bombay. It was too random, almost like an inside joke. Just bad! Scratch that! 😬🙄 Flu Brain. That’s all I got. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Hah, no, I got that part. I just wasn’t sure what hard and fast rule in my (quotes) observation wasn’t fitting. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Hmmm, ok, got it now: We’ll, let’s first establish that I am monogamous. Next, let’s establish that I am fully in love with my lover. That should mean that I don’t love my husband anymore, but that’s not exactly it. I care deeply for and about my husband. I need for him to be ok. Our lives work as situated for all people involved. I have a life with my husband that I don’t have with my lover, and I have a life with my lover that I don’t have with my husband. It’s all sorts of hard to explain. Everyone knows about everyone, and we all just sort of move together apart. The premise is deep care for all that make up this unconventional union. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 24 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: That should mean that I don’t love my husband anymore, but that’s not exactly it. No, not that you don’t love him - that you’re not (romantically) in love with him. Now obviously you’re the only one who knows for sure if you’re still an exception case but the way you describe your loving feelings for your husband at least sound that way... like you care about him very much, and love him dearly, but are not “in love” with him. Like, he is a very special loved one but not a lover. Link to post Share on other sites
SusannaC Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Yeah I get this too. May sound awful to some, but it’s just the truth. There IS love, just not ROMANTIC love. This is love that exists only between lovers. That ended, sadly, long ago, for me too. sorry- for barging in on the conversation. But this is a truth for me and still, after all this time, makes me a bit sad. Oh well. The subject has touched a sensitive nerve in my depressed state I guess! Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 49 minutes ago, SusannaC said: sorry- for barging in on the conversation. But this is a truth for me and still, after all this time, makes me a bit sad. Oh well. The subject has touched a sensitive nerve in my depressed state I guess! No worries, all are welcome! I’m sorry to hear you’re still down... Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 4 hours ago, ryn2 said: No, not that you don’t love him - that you’re not (romantically) in love with him. That is correct mostly. Like Susanna, the dream died in time. There are still wistful moments, brief intervals when I wish things were different as he’s such a great man, but then the sadness over the reality hits me like a cold bucket of water in the face. He loves me honestly, thoroughly and truly indeed, but not in any way that I clearly need. I do not try and take his love for granted, nor do I try and slap him in the face given our arrangement. He’s a good man with a pure heart, we are just woefully mismatched at the core. Then, there’s my lover. He taught me that soulmates exist. I can’t stress this enough: It’s not about the sex. Sure, that’s how it began, but what he actually showed me was what true click feels like. That’s what he disturbed in me that I didn’t know before I met him. We are connected, it is true, there is no need to disturb anyone’s life. This open structure allows us to love openly. One day, perhaps we can live openly as well. On second thought, mainly we do live openly. It’s more like secretly in plain sight. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Lately, I’ve been contemplating how many folks around the world settle. I think it’s the norm rather than the exception. I have had a grand total of 5 relationships in my entire life. Each one felt amazing, and I felt in love. I wonder, are we generally content with an 85% match? 90%? 75%? At what point is it the tipping point? I think “great enough” is a thing that we may accept, yet be unconscious of given finding an 85% is hard enough, right? Then, the one that clicks comes by and you know the difference. It’s indescribable. Everything else seemed so pointless, and you’re left wondering, “was I so lonely?” Or “was that the best I could do in the time I had?” Or “what if....?” I know I found an amazing man in my husband and understand why I married him. Those reasons are still here after all of these years. Yet, my lover is the click I never knew existed. It exists. If I’d waited for him, I wouldn’t have my kids - any kids actually. We would never have met each other if things hadn’t unfolded this way. It’s how it’s supposed to be. It has also taken all 3 of us to make it here. We work - all of us - together. We have a common goal and a common respect. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I love the journey. It hasn’t been without its problems, and we definitely all have our hang-ups, but it works. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 @Traveler40 sounding kind of poly to me? It’s not about sex. I know a poly ace IRL. p.s. to add, I thought I was monamorous until a couple years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 I don’t know - I’m definition shy! Haha Also, I’m so 1970’s...😬🙄 Link to post Share on other sites
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