Someone Else Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I'm always questioning and examining my inner mind, especially with regards to sex and asexuality. And once more another question about my sexuality rises up in my mind. My "asexuality" or something close to asexuality has always confused me. Like my brain and eyes are of a typical straight guy and my body is totally asexual. I am now wondering if I've ended up in a place apathetic to the sex act just simply because I don't have any erogenous body zones. My brain and eyes are attracted to women (so much so that for most of my life I assumed I was just a "regular" straight guy who just needed for find the right person.) But... there's no place I could be touched that would feel any better (more sexual) than any other place. It's not erotic or sexually pleasing to be poked in the elbow, and... nor is it "sexually pleasing" to be touched anywhere else. But that part of my mind doesn't seem to get this, for some reason. I think/daydream about sex or otherwise sexual-ish encounters enough that I found it hard at first to believe that I was asexual (even though I learned eventually that asexuals can vary immensely) ... but the actual physical act of sex just simply doesn't hit any positive physical triggers for me. I might very well not have an orientation of "asexual" after all, even though I've ended up in a place where I'm apathetic about sex. My feelings about not having sex never felt like a sexual orientation to me, anyway. I guess if I lost my sense of taste and smell, I'd still think about and imagine eating the food I loved, and want to be able to enjoy it. So as is the usual for my life, my brain and body are not getting along and like different things. (Your mileage may vary, I'm in no way trying to define other people with any of this.) Link to post Share on other sites
Someone Else Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 The doctors ran some tests and said "sometimes that's just life." No cure, no real explanation, especially since it's not being caused by aging or some kind of hormone imbalance. I have a disability -- basically a spinal cord injury that I was born with, so my sense of feeling from the hips down is "iffy." So the doctors all just blame that and change the subject. Closed book, nothing more to say. But... there's so much more to enjoying touching in sex than just what's on the down-below, and I doubt my disability is so severe as to totally asexuality me completely. For instance, even kissing doesn't seem to mean anything to me in a physical, erotic sense (although I can fantasize about it as much as any straight, sexual guy could, I think.) I don't want to compare people to food, but imagine seeing and smelling some food that seems like it'd be awesome but upon trying it, it's completely tasteless. But it still looks and smells fantastic. I've been seeing so many therapists on and off since the 90's, and again, they just blame the disability and move on. Nothing more to say. But the spinal cord does not affect my lips! It sort of puts me in a lonely zone almost by myself, neither quite fitting in with the sexuals or many asexuals. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Are you actually verifying this with a partner you're intimate with? You can't just poke around yourself looking for erogenous zones; they don't work that way. As a result of being with my current partner, I've found that I have some zones that I never would have suspected were there otherwise because it wasn't like I could do anything to them myself. It's a lot like tickling; it's often more difficult to effectively tickle yourself than for someone else to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Someone Else Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 Ah, the tickling comparison... I've certainly considered the possibility that I just haven't been touched in the right way. Maybe my body is picky. I spent decades of my life thinking I just needed to find the right person. Unlike most people who apparently were relieved when the discovered asexuality, I was devastated and became more depressed and feeling defeated and lost. Heh, maybe I should go back to "hoping that I just need to find the right person." Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 With disclosure of that spinal injury, yeah I can see docs would blame that, as said, not severe enough to sexually disable someone. The brain and spine can do funky things through its own repairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Someone Else Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 People often like to make assumptions about disabled people, especially with sex and intelligence levels. They're often wrong; it's hard to know someone's experience in something like that without having personally experienced it. So I would find it hard to convince someone that the disability, by itself, is not likely the full explanation. Maybe part of it, but not the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
Eutierria Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 @Someone ElseHave you looked into Demi-sexuality / Demi-romanticism, Sapio-sexuality / Sapio-romanticism & Demi-sensuality ? Some people need those bits (i.e. brain/emotions) to click into place before anything else can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Someone Else Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 Yeah, but there's no way to know if that's what I am or not, at least not so far... I'm in my late 40's and have no insight there. Link to post Share on other sites
T.Hunter Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I 10 hours ago, Someone Else said: I am now wondering if I've ended up in a place apathetic to the sex act just simply because I don't have any erogenous body zones. My brain and eyes are attracted to women (so much so that for most of my life I assumed I was just a "regular" straight guy who just needed for find the right person.) But... there's no place I could be touched that would feel any better (more sexual) than any other place. It's not erotic or sexually pleasing to be poked in the elbow, and... nor is it "sexually pleasing" to be touched anywhere else. But that part of my mind doesn't seem to get this, for some reason. I think/daydream about sex or otherwise sexual-ish encounters enough that I found it hard at first to believe that I was asexual (even though I learned eventually that asexuals can vary immensely) ... but the actual physical act of sex just simply doesn't hit any positive physical triggers for me. I can relate to this, i found i myself looking at people but when it came to getting physical with someone i didn't feel anything. And i don't mind imagine things either, i just don't feel the need to do any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
gisiebob Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 with the way you fantasize, would you say you are personally involved in them? there are plenty of asexual people who experience sexual fantasy and many have them in this sort of 3rd person perspective, where the brains doing some gymnastics saying 'this act is good. but it is not good when personally involved. so it is good between these two actors who are not me' there's a word for this, but I can't remember how to spell it for the life of me another helpful thing to question might be if it all might as well be bumping elbows for you, and that's all you ever get out of it, is that something you still want to do? I would absolutely search for an assistant in these experiments, a companion who you can explore with, someone who can care about you, but with one caveat: they gotta be a companion to you as you are now first, not whoever you might be later. Link to post Share on other sites
Anxious Gryffindor Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Well, I don't know if this is any help, but I used to fantasize about some sexual things too, but then I realized I was putting into it "the way I was supposed to feel" (which wasn't the way I felt at all), so I took sexual people's perspectives and inserted them into my fantasies. With your food metaphor, it's like if you heard very often that food tasted absolutely fantastic, so you imagined it did and you fantasized about tasting it and having that, except it turns out you don't really want the food itself and, for you, it doesn't taste great. That wasn't me having sexual attraction, it was me wishing that I did, that I could experience this thing everyone around said was one of the best things in their lives. I'm not saying this is necessarily the same thing that happens in your fantasies, but maybe ask yourself if it could be something similar? Plus, not having sexual attraction doesn't mean you can't have aesthetic attraction - in other words, that you can't find people beautiful and good to look at (like, in the same way that many straight girls can appreciate how beautiful other girls are). Also, at the end of the day , does it really matter how you got here? I mean, it sounds like you don't like sex, you don't want it in practice, and I can't say this for you, but maybe you also don't feel sexual attraction? If that's the case, so what if it's related to something physical? You've been to doctors, they told you it's not something that can change. Then, it sounds to me like you are on the asexual spectrum and you're going to be for the rest of your life. None of what you said makes that any less valid. I get not wanting to be ace, and I get not feeling like you fit right into the community, but there are many different ways to be asexual and if you can't change it, then that's just who you are, and it doesn't stop you from being happy. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherWhoDoesntFeel Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 Ahhhh another person with the same problem that I have! I had brain damage caused by lack of o2 at birth which caused a stroke and caused my right eye to be legally blind. I didn't notice or even think about decreased e-zones until my late 20's, but I also have a much decreased sense of pain all over my body (kinda bonus). But as a teenager I studied controlling my Chi by reading various martial arts books, so that has helped with various others things- including tantric sex. While I can feel the act, I can control how often I can orgasm and wether or not I want to. I was married for 25 years, divorced and found my now current wife who is 36 (I'm 54) and she's very sexy, but erogenous zones still do nothing for me, but her body gets my mind going so much that I can orgasm over and over so many times an hour that my Dr just doesn't know what to think! I think it's because of the meditation and controlling of my Chi that seems so easy now. You should try to look into it because I think having this limitation that we have had actually helped with learning the control over our bodies without the distractions "normals" have! Oh and BTW: I had ZERO children with my ex wife, but less then a year later (during the pandemic) we have a 1 year old son now! Link to post Share on other sites
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