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Asexuality and masturbation


spicy_goatboi

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spicy_goatboi

Hello!  Ive seen a lot of different points about masturbation and sex between sexual and asexual individuals. My gf identifies as asexual and so do I. She has no libido while I have a larger desire for sex than she does. I dont actively search for sex or sex related things. Its usually maybe 4 or 5 times in a year that I were to ever want sex. But myself and my personality is sexual, I like making sex jokes, I like writing and reading about it but I rarely get any pleasure from it.  Recently Ive been talking with my therapist about stress and how im constantly tense in every situation im in, no matter how big or small. I was doing some research myself and found out that theres a lot of people who use sex as a stress relief. I dont mind masturbation, but it isnt something id actively go and do on my own accord. Im afraid that if I buy a vibe or something along those lines, that ill become to dependent on it or it'll somehow turn me not...asexual? Or it'll make me less ace to have one and use it? 

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You mean experimenting with toys and things? It doesn't make you any less asexual. Asexuality is just about attraction. It's the same line of reasoning that it's gay if straight men do anything with their butt-- I.E. totally untrue. 

 

Edit: Also, the nice thing about becoming dependent on something like that is that all you have to do is stop getting off for a while and your body usually resets. But even if you became dependent on it (which might not even happen), what's the harm? You and your partner aren't having sex, correct? So it's not like anything will change between the two of you. 

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everywhere and nowhere

If anything, seeking sex - even if rarely - would be more likely to make a person "less ace" than pleasuring oneself.

As for dependence... certainly not in the sense of being totally unable to do without pleasuring oneself. However, this issue is in fact often brought up as a kind of warning, particularly for women: "Don't use a vibrator! Don't pleasure yourself with a showerhead, because they deliver such strong sensations that you'll be unable to have an orgasm with normal sex" (I'm afraid that I can guess what is meant as "normal sex" :angry:). And you know what I discovered? That it's a very liberating feeling to know that I don't intend to ever have partnered sex. It simply doesn't matter to me whether I become "dependent" on a certain kind of sensations in achieving an orgasm, because I'm sex-averse and I will never have partnered sex anyway. The only kind of orgasm I may desire is solitary.

 

(Note: I hate the M word. I know it's supposed to be neutral, but still sounds brutal to me. So I personally will only use synonyms such as "self-pleasuring", "autoeroticism"...)

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If anything, seeking sex - even if rarely - would be more likely to make a person "less ace" than pleasuring oneself.

Yeah, this, honestly.  Going through your post I was thinking "wait, you consider yourself ace despite desiring sex with someone, yet you're afraid that a solo toy will somehow make you not ace?  whaaaaat?"

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spicy_goatboi
17 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, this, honestly.  Going through your post I was thinking "wait, you consider yourself ace despite desiring sex with someone, yet you're afraid that a solo toy will somehow make you not ace?  whaaaaat?"

I dont desire sex, if that makes sense? I wouldnt mind sex with a partner who would have sex on a regular basis. But I wouldnt do it for pleasure. I probably wouldnt get anything out of it besides a connection to said partner. Im not really sure if Im even ace at this point. Im terribly confused about literally everything and no matter how much research I do i dont fit into anything. Thats why i came here, hoping to get answers on some things before I went and said anything to anyone else. 

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animatedpassions

So Go Puff the app sales Sex Toys. Just found this out, like today. 

 

But! When I found out, I was ordering snacks for me and my brother. He laughed at the app's categories of sex toys and said that I might order something from there when no one was looking....

 

....and the thought never crossed my mind. I honestly never thought to use sex toys while masturbating. I don't like penetration at all! (Like not even using tampons when I'm light on my monthly!) I remember telling my friends in college during freshmen year about how I still have a few of Barbie dolls from my childhood hidden in a box away from my mom. *Context! (she was giving them away for charity but I didn't want to let them go.)* I worded it more like, "I'm hiding my old toys in box away from my mom." 

 

Then they asked me why I didn't bring it with me to college, and I looked at them weird and said, "I can bring my Barbie dolls with me to college!"

 

By then they stop and looked confused. "Barbie dolls?!". I thought, 'Oh! They think I'm talking about sex toys.' 

 

So I said out loud, "Oh! You guys thought I was talking about sex toys." They all shook their heads yes and laughed at me for being vague as h**l. 

 

"Well, I guess that makes more sense, I am college student so yeah." Then they told me that being a college student doesn't matter. You can have some when you're younger too.  And by then, I was out of the conversation because the idea of that was too much for me. My mind was still blown over how my Sixth Grade classmate was actually pregnant once!? 

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1 hour ago, spicy_goatboi said:

I dont desire sex, if that makes sense? I wouldnt mind sex with a partner who would have sex on a regular basis. But I wouldnt do it for pleasure. I probably wouldnt get anything out of it besides a connection to said partner. Im not really sure if Im even ace at this point. Im terribly confused about literally everything and no matter how much research I do i dont fit into anything. Thats why i came here, hoping to get answers on some things before I went and said anything to anyone else. 

Hi. Well, let's break it down, what are you worried about in particular. It doesn't seem that there is an issue with your girlfriend. You don't desire sex with your girlfriend (except the 4-5 times a year you do), and you don't get any pleasure from it. So there doesn't seem to be anything wrong in the sex life department. At least from what you've said. 

 

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 Recently Ive been talking with my therapist about stress and how im constantly tense in every situation im in, no matter how big or small. I was doing some research myself and found out that theres a lot of people who use sex as a stress relief. I dont mind masturbation, but it isnt something id actively go and do on my own accord. Im afraid that if I buy a vibe or something along those lines, that ill become to dependent on it or it'll somehow turn me not...asexual? Or it'll make me less ace to have one and use it? 

Well there's plenty of other sources of stress relief other than sex. Most people who masturbate (that is, almost everyone), do not become "dependent" on it. Do you mean to suggest that you're worried that if you masturbate and are able to find a way to get pleasure from it, that you'll start to desire that pleasure in partnered sex? Or are you just worried the "asexual" label won't fit anymore?

 

Is it important to you that you feel asexual?

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20 hours ago, spicy_goatboi said:

I dont desire sex, if that makes sense? I wouldnt mind sex with a partner who would have sex on a regular basis. But I wouldnt do it for pleasure. I probably wouldnt get anything out of it besides a connection to said partner. Im not really sure if Im even ace at this point. Im terribly confused about literally everything and no matter how much research I do i dont fit into anything. Thats why i came here, hoping to get answers on some things before I went and said anything to anyone else. 

friend, consider who the authority in this is. all these words, well they aren't neatly shaped boxes for us to fit perfectly inside, no. they are things to help describe who we are to the world. if using one gives the world a good understanding of you, then that's probably a good word for you.

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