Hello everyone, I need to get smth. off my chest

[Guest]

Hello again. I am really glad to find this forum. Really.

My post is going to be long enough, but I do hope to have some relief after that. I am a male, 23 y.o., from a post-soviet country.

Because of my desperately alcoholic uncle having lived near my house and visited regularly my father (to cry heart out about the life ruined by himself) I have absolute disguise to any alcohol. I say it only because it will be an important part of my story. And my father too, during my early childhood, could drink a bit and in this state he was talking with little me about the fate, the God etc. Not my best memories...

Since my birth I was grown with my female cousine of the same age because our mothers were very close to each other.

I didn't knew any of my grandfathers. I spent all my summers in the village with my only grandmother, cousine and her mother. I mean I never had some real male company.

In the kindergarten everything was O.K. I was a typical, very active and careless boy.  But I had a hidden anatomical problem I didn't pay attention.

Spoiler

One of testicles remained in the groin and didn't come to scrotum. It started dergadate and it was cut off (not sure if it is written correctly, sorry)

After that I felt I started becoming calmer and less.. agressive(?) Then I went to the school, the most dramatic part of my current life. There were 16 girls and only 3 boys except me. They formed quickly a company and didn't want me to play with them. In the beginning girls neither wanted to play with me but among them I found my first friends. I was growing with them. I played dolls with them. I was ofthen the only boy invited to their birthdays. And I really liked that they were smarter and more interesting to talk.

When I was 10 our class had 4 new boys. One of them, let say Daniel, practically ignored me. The second one joined the already formed company of the first three boys. The last two became my rivals of something like that. Till the end of the school all of them started communicating with me and I thought that former misunderstanding was gone. Until one of them said they were talking with me because of pity. That was a terrible statement for my self-esteem. Only Daniel who was always apart became more or less my friend. Both of us were well-read and absolutely indifferent about girls. But in the last class he went to France. Our friendship died in 5 years of chatting on Facebook.

Also in my 10 years I had a male friend, let say Sam. He was a son of my father's acquainted and started coming to me and dragging me out to for a walk. We were riding bycicles, playing football etc. It was something new to me. And due to the fact he was older than me I considered him sometimes as my elder brother. We befriended my neighbor Serge I never talked to and together we had a really good times. I was happy. But then both of them being older than me disappeared from my life. I met Serge some times in our neighborhood but even though we had a nice small talk we understood that now we don't have anything of common. Because of such imbalance in my socialization I started reading books, learning languages and occupied of self-cultivation. I promoted in as a  master of ceremonies in my school, won a lot of diplomas and step by step had some disruption from others. I started my own language and won with my scientific work the competition of my country. I accustomed to be alone and take profit from it.

I had fights in my school. I was considered by some people (not from my classes too) as a dork for not to drink with others, not to smoke behind school with others, be only with gitls without romantic context. In some cases when I was not able to resist a big group of mockers I had to adress to my father. And you see I always found support among girls. Five of them were really my good friends.

In my last class I tried to revive my friendship with Sam. I didn't pay attention to his quite evident unwilling to talk. We met and also understood that it was the end. But  unlike with Serge I continued to write Sam (we were so close in my 10 years). He shouted at me in message that I pissed him off and I was too obtrusive. That was the second hit of my self-esteem. Ashamed I left him immediately.

Well, when I finished school I memorized (please don't blame me for my former generalization): girls are smart and kind, boys are stupid and agressive. At the same time a company of my peers in the village became adult enough to talk about serious topics. Our company became stronger and more confident. One of the guys, let say Victor, grabbed my attention. As long as I knew him he was a joyful positive and, uh, handsome guy. His good humor was a medecine for my exhausted and depressive mood (entering university was very hard). He started to try to befriend me. And sometime later I thought "Why not?". We became very close in a short period, but remembering my story with Sam I controlled every word I said, every gesture I did. My friendship was a permanent strategy game. But I was so satisfied I finally had a close male friend that I was ready to continue this play.

Then September 2013 came. Try to guess about my future group in university? Yes, 15(!) girls and only me as a male. Though I was accustomed to such environment it also had bad consequences for me. 17-18 years are typically the best moment for some romantic experiences, isn't it? And I didn't have any of that feeling, I didn't want any sex, I didn't want anything more sophisticated that the friendship. Nobody believes me I never saw porn for example. I was sometimes considered as

Spoiler

a loser-onanist too shy to pick up a girl. In fact I don't like masturbating at all and do it rarely only for health reasons.

Some people in and outside university as well had the second variant that I was gay. If I am not interested in girls and didn't date any of my large environment then I should be interested in guys. No, it isn't.  The years were rolling. More and more people were engaged in datings. And I didn't. At my 20 I didn't think about asexuality but having analyzed my willing I came to a firm statement that my deprivation of male society didn't convert me to a gay. A girl from my group once said: "It is clearly evident that you grown up among girls." And she couldn't explain her point of view. "It is just evident."

Mind games with Victor were going. I learned a lot from psychology to have instruments to maintain him. He didn't notice anything strange though said I was too reserved. But when I tried to describe a part of this topic, to make shown why I am who I am, why I am not interested in girls, in dates, in sex he stopped me "Oh, don't be a sissy". It was the third hit. I thought we could be confident... Since 2016 he was rolling downhill and didn't want to appreciate my help. In fact I helped him to enter universities twice but he ignored my asks, didn't keep his promises. I decided that I didn't have to be a nanny for an adult and left. 

At my first work I had not a very welcoming atmosphere. "Why are you alone? Do you have a girlfriend? That's not normal. You have to have someone!" One day when I mentioned I do't consume alcohol they were insulted and said I don't want to be part of their collective. A month later I knew they mistaked me for a muslim. They combined two facts: speaks Persian + no alcohol.

I found a better job and when I went to my boss I had a new unpleasant conversation:

- You don't understand how our company is good (in fact, no)... There are so big salaries (in fact, no). Do you have a girlfriend?

- No, I don't for this moment (if it is his affair?)

Spoiler

- Ah I see. you jerk off. But one day you will have a girlfriend. How do you plan to pay for you both?

Till the end of the dialog:

- I wanted to say... trust me, there are no cameras or micros. Are you gay?

- I am straight! - I said, it was a spontaneous reaction, because in our country any varieties from male+female=sex=children is persecuted.

- A straight?.. Uhm, your behavior and manners are different.

At this moment I understood I won't work in this organization. And I left. Now I have a job I love.

**

I am not interested in girls/women like sexual partners. It is easy to me to talk with them, I don't fear. But when a romantic connotation appears I have only one thought "Oh no, again!" I tried to propose dating. I programmed a bot-quest on Telegram for a girl from my company  who seemed to be convenient, but didn't call any affection. I only wanted to be like all though I had a feeling it was a benevolent death penalty. She was shocked and rejected: "Oh, um, sorry. You didn't choose the right one, I guess." I was happy that she rejected. Have I treied to date? Yes. Now I have something to answer to my annoying environment.

I don't fear people, public etc. But now I am reluctant to discuss with someone from my city my biography in many details. 

**

My parents hardly listen to my story, to the fact that I had the awkward age with only one testicle, that I didn't have males around me to become a typical male, that I am fed up up females (I don't mean to offend someone). I am tired to explain that I don't have to live like others want.

I plan to have someday a family with a wife and children. I don't excape responsability. If I am not fertile I am ready to take a child from an orphan house. But please don't lecture me. I will go to a marriage agency when I will be financially stable and ready from the psychological point of view. I cannot and don't want all these cinemas-walking under the moon etc. I love making presents, I love taking care of others. But a wife (female) for me is just the closest friend with which I am able to do something great in my life.

**

After having read many articles about asexuality I consider myself as asexual aromantic. My willing to have a male friend could be considered as a homoromantic, but I do not want anything bigger that traditional firendship proposes.

My text was babelized but I hope it was not too boring. Thank you for having read!

[Guest]

I'm female-bodied but I hope you find some friendly guys to talk with. Good luck!

[Guest]

Oh, a traditional cake! Thank you)

[That Ginger Kid]

Is it just a cultural thing that guys are like that? I live in the US, and there are lots of men who aren’t rude like that. Granted, many are, but people are also generally accepting of things like homosexuality here (in fact, hardly anyone even bats an eye if they see a gay couple anymore; it’s really nice). From what it looks like to me, you issue with finding a male friend may just be how different they are from you. Have you tried traveling abroad, maybe living in another country for a bit? You may find that you fit better with another culture than your own. It’s rare, but it does happen. 
Regardless, I hope you can find a male companion who isn’t rude. The more you get out and talk to people, the more likely it is you’ll find a good friend. I know it’s easy to get discouraged and want to avoid people, but life’s about taking risks, right? You can do it! 

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, That Ginger Kid said:

Is it just a cultural thing that guys are like that? I live in the US, and there are lots of men who aren’t rude like that. Granted, many are, but people are also generally accepting of things like homosexuality here (in fact, hardly anyone even bats an eye if they see a gay couple anymore; it’s really nice). From what it looks like to me, you issue with finding a male friend may just be how different they are from you. Have you tried traveling abroad, maybe living in another country for a bit? You may find that you fit better with another culture than your own. It’s rare, but it does happen. 
Regardless, I hope you can find a male companion who isn’t rude. The more you get out and talk to people, the more likely it is you’ll find a good friend. I know it’s easy to get discouraged and want to avoid people, but life’s about taking risks, right? You can do it! 

Thank you for your answer. I highly appreciate it. Maybe I was a bit misunderstood. I have described my tentatives to find a friend only to show I wanted to recompensate this lack of male environment. I meant only a simple friendship with small talks, common hobbies etc. I don't need hugs, kisses, any intimacy. I rejected ideas of homoromance during my self-estimation. I have overpassed its lack. No problem)

I visited many different events here, but the people interested in me were not ninteresting to me and vice-versa. But I found many correspondents on the Internet thanks to foreign languages. The only thing I needed was moral support and I got it. I am not a closed person, I communicate normally. I only do not expose all the deeps of my personality.

Currently I am not willing to travel. With my salary and some additional earnings I help my family to cover our debts. But we managed to build our own big house in the region center.

You see, in our East-Slavic culture it is still hard to bring something new in relatonships. Our society may seem too intolerant for westerners. I am here not to blame them. I only wanted to hear I am not totally crazy with my biography.

In early 20's many of my peers are already married, even have babies. And the only thing I fear now is that in my 23 I don't want to marry and live like it is "acceptable" here. But I found support among my cousine and a girl from my company.

In general, as I mentioned, I am conservative enough and plan to have a tradilitional family. But not right now and not with a person of my culture. The world is so big, what for to set limits?

[Acing It]

2 hours ago, Ascara said:

You see, in our East-Slavic culture it is still hard to bring something new in relatonships. Our society may seem too intolerant for westerners. I am here not to blame them. I only wanted to hear I am not totally crazy with my biography.

In early 20's many of my peers are already married, even have babies. And the only thing I fear now is that in my 23 I don't want to marry and live like it is "acceptable" here. But I found support among my cousine and a girl from my company.

In general, as I mentioned, I am conservative enough and plan to have a tradilitional family. But not right now and not with a person of my culture. The world is so big, what for to set limits?

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I thought there was a lot of culture specific stuff and reaction in what you said. Why would your boss ask you about your relationship status and whether you are gay for instance. I can't for one second imagine that would happen where I live. It must be really difficult to be 'non-traditional' in a very traditional social environment. I recognise some of what you said from the other way round and it's hard.

You shouldn't feel forced to get married and have children. It's not a duty/responsibility to have children, it should ideally be your free choice in this day and age. I think @That Ginger Kid is right in that it may be beneficial to travel and/or live away from your culture a bit so you can relax and open your mind to 'the real you' whoever that is. It's very difficult to make sense of yourself with so much pressure going on from people around you. It sounds like you're exhausted and exasperated by the people around you, which I understand. I don't have much else to contribute as I live in a very different cultural environment. I hope someone else in a similar situation can offer a better suited listening ear you need. In the meantime, welcome here. We're a friendly community!

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Acing It said:

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I thought there was a lot of culture specific stuff and reaction in what you said. Why would your boss ask you about your relationship status and whether you are gay for instance. I can't for one second imagine that would happen where I live. It must be really difficult to be 'non-traditional' in a very traditional social environment. I recognise some of what you said from the other way round and it's hard.

You shouldn't feel forced to get married and have children. It's not a duty/responsibility to have children, it should ideally be your free choice in this day and age. I think @That Ginger Kid is right in that it may be beneficial to travel and/or live away from your culture a bit so you can relax and open your mind to 'the real you' whoever that is. It's very difficult to make sense of yourself with so much pressure going on from people around you. It sounds like you're exhausted and exasperated by the people around you, which I understand. I don't have much else to contribute as I live in a very different cultural environment. I hope someone else in a similar situation can offer a better suited listening ear you need. In the meantime, welcome here. We're a friendly community!

Thank you for your warm greetings  

[Lichley]

Welcome! Yeah it sounds like meeting new people with different cultural backgrounds can increase your chances of finding someone more accepting and open to your own identity and beliefs. Plus you couldn’t always do it over a holiday if you have the money for it  

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! Yeah it sounds like meeting new people with different cultural backgrounds can increase your chances of finding someone more accepting and open to your own identity and beliefs. Plus you couldn’t always do it over a holiday if you have the money for it  

Thank you for greetings I like your Zacharie avatar. Today I meet rarely things reminding the OFF game, such a deep psychological experience.