Questions/Rambling concerning sex and societal expectations

[MacGregor]

As I write this I'm not quite sure what to title it yet. I guess I just want to ramble about something to people who might understand and might even feel similarly. Anyway, I'm currently 29 years old and back when I was a teenager I never really felt an intrinsic need to have sex with someone else. Back then I already considered whether I might be asexual (which is why this account is 10 years old.) However, with gender roles and societal expectations being what they are I started to feel quite some pressure to lose my virginity, and had a feeling of missing out on something from my late teens onward. A couple of years later I finally managed to do so and while I didn't get much physical pleasure from it I had a very elated psychological/social feeling to the tune of "Yay, I fulfilled societal expectations. I'm in the non-virgin-club now. Is there a complimentary fruit basket?". This feeling lasted well over half a year during which I didn't really feel the need to have sex. The same happened after my second time having sex. Two years after that I was in a relationship and while sex felt a bit more pleasurable physically I still had the feeling that it is somewhat of a chore. After that relationship I also tried sleeping with someone of my own gender but while it felt physically about the same I didn't get my psychological "high" from it.

 

Then, about two years ago, I had to read Thorstein Veblens "Theory of the Leisure Class" for university. For everyone unfamiliar with that book: Veblen coined the terms "conspicuous consumption" and "conspicuous leisure" which, in very simplified terms, means buying/doing stuff to signal that someone belongs to a higher social class. Sports cars and fancy vacations would be contemporary examples of that but in the past - and in my opinion in somewhat different form also today - this also included having multiple wifes and therefore by extension sexual partners. (Historically that's from a male perspective and the whole thing is a lot more complex than my simplified summary but for the contemporary perspective I'd argue that how sex is protrayed in the media certainly also establishes a class divide between "haves" and "have-nots") While reading through this I started nodding and came to the conclusion that this is the reason why I have sex, and that this is the elated feeling of belonging that I get from it. This realization was partly surprising, liberating but also somewhat unsettling. Ever since I've been wondering whether I have any intrinsic sexual attraction/desire or whether I've been extrinsically conditioned towards it. Basically a nature vs nurture question. I haven't really felt any sexual desire since I had that realization but still feel somewhat confused by all that. Anyway I'd be happy to hear some comments, opinions, thoughts or what have you about it.

[WanderingKate]

This is a very interesting take and at least for me, it makes a lot of sense. When I had my first kiss, first sexual experience, etc...I was way more excited that I was no longer "weird" and that I now fit in and had something to tell my friends than I was to actually have had the romantic/sexual experience. Coming from a female perspective, I'd say it's less about multiple partners = higher status for us, because slut-shaming is unfortunately still a thing. But conversely, if you never date or seem at all interested, people pity you or think you're odd. I think for women it's more the idea that a partner=eventual family, and for women unfortunately there is still the expectation that you should at least want a family, and that your life will be empty without it. That's just my take. I think for both genders there is a subconscious (likely) desire to find a mate to impress others or to seem normal- as humans, we are hard-wired to want to fit into the majority, and the majority of people do find having a partner or partners to be desirable. 

[That Ginger Kid]

I totally get this. All my life I figured it was an expectation of me to get  into a relationship where sex would be a regular thing, even though I was completely horrified by the idea. And when the opportunity came for that, I seized it, thinking that maybe it would “cure” me of my disinterest. But it didn’t. Not once in four years did I feel like it was something I actually wanted, but more something my partner wanted. And that’s fine - no shade thrown on those who actually need and enjoy sex. It’s just not for me. 
But my whole adolescence I was made to believe that it was this magical thing. That you lose your virginity and - boom! - adult! That the world somehow becomes more colorful and clear, like you’ve broken out of the matrix and can see shit for real. And sure, it’s not the worst feeling ever; in fact, the body is designed to enjoy it to encourage reproducing. But as far as something I can do to connect with my partner? I can think of ten ways that make me feel closer to them. Maybe not physically, but emotionally (which is more of what matters to me). 
It’s definitely not an expectation for people to enjoy sex, but there is definitely pressure on young people especially to have sex and engage in it. With asexuals, I’d definitely agree that it’s something you’re raised to want. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I've never understood doing stuff cos others do/peer pressure. Maybe it's cos I'm autistic, but the need to fulfil social expectations just goes completely over my head.

[Asexual of Myth & Legend]

This is a very interesting perspective on asexuality and why it's not widely accepted or even known. People just can't comprehend not wanting to do something that the majority finds so desirable.  We see this in other areas too, tell someone that you don't like a certain food that "everyone" loves, or that you haven't seen a particular movie that is considered a classic and they'll express shock and tell you that you have to try it. Now, if you apply that same concept to sex, an act that most perceive as an intrinsic, biological urge, then not wanting it seems not only unusual, but unnatural. This way of thinking has likely resulted in many asexuals faking sexual attraction and possibly even performing sexual acts that they weren't entirely comfortable with simply for the sake of "fitting in"

[Mikachu]

I can totally relate, everyone is over-sexualizing everything, talking about their partners constantly, and always saying things like:

 

"You need to try it before you say you dont like it"

 

"But you're so cute, it's not fair" (hasn't happened to me buy I've heard it happen to other people)

 

"Theres always a special someone out there"

 

Ugh I hate it so much, thank you for giving me an outlet to vent about this, I didnt realize how much I needed it

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 1/18/2020 at 2:57 PM, WanderingKate said:

When I had my first kiss, first sexual experience, etc...I was way more excited that I was no longer "weird" and that I now fit in and had something to tell my friends than I was to actually have had the romantic/sexual experience.

I was always proud to be the one which doesn't fit in. Yes, I was bullied a lot at school, and hardly any of that is related to the sexual aspect of my weirdness. But despite this, I prefer being in a minority, I enjoy Not Doing Things Most People Do And Doing Things Most People Don't.

7 hours ago, Mikachu said:

"But you're so cute, it's not fair" (hasn't happened to me buy I've heard it happen to other people)

For me it was typically the opposite: "You couldn't get laid anyway, so you're just rationalising it by pretending that you don't want".

The unpleasant truth is that it isn't completely inaccurate - I'm certainly extremely nudity-averse and it is the most important component of my sex aversion. I don't have a low sefl-esteem because I highly appraise my mind, but it's true that I'm not particularly fond of my body (no, I don't hate it, I'm not disgusted with it, it's just that: I can't just love an ill body which doesn't work properly). However, I fully accept it! I wouldn't want to become sex-indifferent or sex-desiring! I wouldn't even want to be healthy if the price to pay was becoming fine with sex. (Although I realise that "I wouldn't even want to be healthy" is easier to say for me because I have been suffering from fairly severe allergy alost all my life and I don't remember what it's like to be healthy.) I'm not in denial, I'm effectively asexual and I wouldn't like to not be asexual.

[WanderingKate]

3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I enjoy Not Doing Things Most People Do And Doing Things Most People Don't.

I applaud you for that and envy that, honestly. Don't let anyone tell you that your missing out if you don't desire it. While I don't necessarily regret the romantic/sexual experiences I've had- for me, I think it was partly necessary to truly coming to terms with my asexuality- if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. I'm a lot happier now that I'm not forcing myself to have sexual experiences...it's just not me. 

 

10 hours ago, Mikachu said:

"But you're so cute, it's not fair"

I haven't gotten this one exactly, but a lot of variants of it- "you dress up and wear make up, so obviously you like a bit of attention" is basically the gist of it. My mother specifically thinks that the fact that I don't leave the house in sweatpants with ratty hair everyday must mean that I'm trying to attract a mate....yeah, no. That's the reason she dresses up, but it doesn't have to be mine. People can be frustrating sometimes :/

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 1/20/2020 at 3:47 PM, WanderingKate said:

Don't let anyone tell you that your missing out if you don't desire it.

I've been told such things and not necessarily just about sex and asexuality. Another Thing Most People Do And I Enjoy Not Doing is alcohol consumption. I hate the taste of alcohol, but it also has a bit of a ideological component... or maybe just personal: no, really, whenever I can see or hear drunk people, I feel such contempt for alcohol and I really can't imagine how could anyone find this kind of stupefaction enjoyable. (That said, I'm not strictly anti-drug. I consider some psychoactive substances, particularly psychedelics, to be morally acceptable philosophical and spiritual tools. But alcohol happens to be a drug which, in my opinion, doesn't help to achieve any valuable experiences.) And I've been told by someone that they "feel sorry that I can't enjoy alcohol"...

This kind of pity is even a bit offensive. (Although, perhaps, in that particular case I had only mentioned my gustatory and not ideological motivation for not drinking alcohol.) It's as much as telling someone that you (="rhetoric you") don't approve of choices which they consider important, that you would rather have them live a different life just so that you may feel safe about some preferences and choices supposedly being Universal...